Have you ever been in a relationship you knew was bad but didn’t know how to end it? Whether it is a friend who betrayed us, a boyfriend who ignored us, or a coworker who undermined us, unhealthy relationships are bad for the soul. But there is one relationship that steals potential from all of our ther relationships—including our relationship with ourselves and our relationship with God. It’s our relationship with Perfect.
Perfect is a bad friend. No matter what we do or say or give or take or create…it’s never enough. Perfect always demands more, but it’s never satisfied. Never.
My friend Amy Carroll has written a new book I just love!! And she’s on a mission to help us all break up once and for all with our unfaithful friend: Perfection! And today she stopped by to share her heart and her book with us on my blog – plus she’s giving away a copy too.
“As I rummaged through the damaged store, I hurried toward a colorful decoration that caught my eye. A hurricane had ravaged the seaside store’s merchandise, but there were a few treasures left.
My prize that day was a papier-mâché figure of Santa Clause directing a band of animal musicians. Since my husband was a band director, seeing Jolly Old Saint Nick with his conductor’s baton poised made my heart sing even though it was a balmy North Carolina summer outside.
I carefully carried the figurines to the cash register and made them mine.
Nearly skipping with joy down the sidewalk, suddenly I tripped and dropped my fragile treasures. My face fell with dismay as I peeked inside the bag only to see pieces of Santa and his friends lying jagged and free-floating at the bottom.
When I got home, I gently removed the pieces and lay them out on a table. One by one, I drew a thin line of glue on the narrow edges and began to put them back together.
The results weren’t altogether terrible.
Santa’s pedestal is webbed with cracks and the beaver is missing a leg, but unless guests get too close, they’ll never know the trauma Kris Kringle endured. He’s broken but still beautiful, and a smile stretches across my face each Christmas as I unpack him from his protective box.
Why do I struggle to believe that others could see me the same way?
All of us have a level of brokenness from our own sin nature or from sin leveled against us. We all have cracks of insecurity, shards of sin, and flaws of failure, but for most of my life I’ve wanted to hide mine. I’ve wanted to glaze over my brokenness with a façade of perfection.
If I had found only a perfect Santa acceptable, I would have either tossed him after his fall, or I would have hidden him away in the box with the other outdated, worn-out ornaments.
That’s ok with an object, but we’d never do that to an imperfect person. We’re all in the same boat! So why are we afraid others will do it to us? That maybe God will too?
So we keep others at arm’s length, never allowing anyone to get too close, or we hide behind our walls of shame or false perfection. We try to earn acceptance and love with our just-right words and our thought-out actions, feeling more and more lonely all the time, when in truth…
Authenticity is the antidote for isolation.
Jesus doesn’t despise us in our brokenness, tossing us away or hiding the fact that He loves us. He gently takes our pieces and glues them back together with His grace, compassion, and forgiveness. If we’ll only lay down our masks of perfection and surrender to His perfecting work, Jesus lovingly sets us out for the world to see and claims us as His own.
I’ve been on a journey to break up with perfect, and I’m finding my relationships with others are deeper than ever when I’m real about my flaws. In the process, I’m able to point to Jesus as the Perfect One, our ultimate hero, and I’m resting in the lavish love I’m finding in Him.” ~ Amy Carroll, from her new boo: “Breaking Up With Perfect”
ENTER TO WIN
To celebrate the release of her new book “Breaking Up with Perfect” Amy Carroll is giving a copy away!ARE YOU READY to BREAK UP with PERFECT? If so, leave a comment below this post where entries will be gathered and a winner will be chosen. Please CLICK HERE if you’re reading via email. All comments must be shared on my blog to be entered. THANKS!!
Wow! I certainly see myself here. I would love guidance in “breaking up” with all those things/relationships–whatever the case may be–those things holding me in the “must have perfection” mold/habit. How freeing to be able to live my life without those feelings holding me down and just lean on God only. Your book sounds wonderful!
Oh how we women need to hear this! As an older adult, I teach young women in Bible study and see them struggle regularly to be the “perfect parent, spouse, co-worker” etc. It is killing them. I’ve been there and feel their pain! I had a conversation with one young mother just the other day as she faced an uncertain diagnosis for her child. Her comment was, “He’s just so perfect in every way. I don’t want anything to be wrong.” Thank you for sharing this important message!
I thought I had broken up with perfectionism several years ago, but God’s been showing me that there are deeper layers yet to be discarded! Perfectionism can be so sneaky… Any help in rooting it out would be welcome! 🙂
Yep. I started writing the book thinking I had something to share. I finished knowing God is still at work in me!
I know that this book was given to you by the Lord! For years I (unrealistically) believed I was the only person who felt this way. Thank you for sharing your story and in doing so help take away the veil of guilt and shame I have been feeling. I look forward to a life changing experience as the Lord helps me love myself as much as He does!
Bless you,
Sylvia, that’s so funny! Even as I wrote the book I wondered if I was the only one who felt this way. I’m thankful to have sisters on the journey to breaking up with perfect!
Thank you for sharing. I need to be reminded that I have to stop demanding perfection from those around me. And that only God can give me peace and contentment. I look forward to reading your book!!
All my life I have struggled with trying to be perfect with my family, my friends, at church, how I look, always needing to do what I think others expect. Still at age 70, I feel this way. Your devotional thoughts are helpful in making me realize that I don’t have to be perfect all of the time and that I need to let go of this thinking, especially since as I get older, it gets harder and harder to do. Thanks for you inspiration!
Charlotte, my favorite name for God is Redeemer. He really is able to redeem, and it’s never too late! I’m so thankful.
i really Need this book thank you
i have learned from my al-anon slogan progress before perfection. I perfection when i hear my navy dad’s voice in my head that nothing is ever go enough. for i know i settle for progress not perfection
This book sounds great and exactly what I need to do. My lack of perfection is bring me down. Funny o don’t expect anyone or anything else to be perfect, just me. Thank you for your ministry. Always seems to speak exactly what I need to hear.
I would like to also break up with perfect’s cousin procrastination! I would love to read this book, such PERFECT timing with what the Holy Spirit keeps pointing out to me!
You’re so right! Glynnis Whitwer has a book coming out in a couple months about procrastination, and it has a chapter on perfectionism. I can’t wait to read her perspective!
Oh my goodness!! I definitely struggle in this area. I’ve been going through a season of emotional healing in my life right now and this is one of the areas that I’m trying to overcome.
Thank you, Amy. This sounds like a great book. I’m longing to lay down my mask of perfection and surrender to Jesus’ perfecting work.
I have several angels in my yard and garden, and living in Oklahoma, some have been damaged from the wind or hail. They could be replaced but are a good reminder that even with a broken wing an angel still has a purpose in God’s world. It helps to remember these when I too feel a bit broken and useless. God’s garden has grace for us all!
Thank you.
Great post Renee….would love to win this book! Boy, do I need it (just ask my husband haha!)
Perfect is unhealthy, gets in the way of what is really important- taking the time to spend with the people you love and helping others. I have been trying to break out of my prison for years and I am finally making some progress. I could still use all the help I could get. Thank you for this post on the topic that is of utmost importance to me!
Thank you Renee for this post. I loved your words on our relationship with perfect. It was a new angle for me to look at on this subject. I can’t wait to read Amy’s book.
Thank you for this truth that I have stuggled with for years in my perfectionist state of mind. I look forward to reading your book. Such a timely topic for me – it is time to break up with perfect.
Perfection leaves me overwhelmed sometimes!! If I can’t do things perfectly I don’t want to do the task at all!! Which in turn leaves me with more than I can accomplish!! Then when I step back and look I’m happier when I make the smaller accomplishments instead of turning them into huge tasks!!! Proverbs 31 contributors speak right to me daily!! Thanks for the “real” perspective of every day life!!
Man, breaking up with perfect! For me this would be a life saver. I have let this keep me or stop me from doing so many things. That old recording “what if I make a mistake, or what if it doesn’t turn out perfect! Thank you so much for sharing and turning on the lights! God bless.
Would love a copy of this book!
Looks like a great book! Can’t wait to read it!
Yep, perfectionist here… do right or don’t do at all…. both can be bad. Can’t wait to see what is in this book!!
Thanks Renee and Proverbs 31 for all you do in ministering to the saints.
Yes, I struggle with this like so many others and I am in the process of believing God for who He says I am. I am trusting Him to help me hold myself to a standard of grace rather then perfection,
I am thankful for all the Proverbs 31 Ministry Authors. The books you ladies are lead to write are life changers. Thank you so much for your obedience in writing even in the frustrating times of writing.
This hits home!! I am so quick to forgive others, but I hold myself captive. Everything on the outside HAS to be perfect, while my white-washed tomb is filthy inside with thoughts of imperfections and criticism of myself for missing the mark. Sad part is I KNOW this, and yet still fall victim to the unrelenting pursuit of the enemy in this arena. BUT, God!!! Who is the only one who is able to bring victory in this area.
BTW, Amy, I have a printed P31 devotional that a home-schooling mom had sent out to our group over 10 years ago—long before I began receiving P31 daily emails. It was the one you wrote on “Watching Deborah”—it has impacted my life SOOOO much. I have put this into practice since I read it and now I have young women in our church comment on the way I love my hubby and always speak so well of him. I have even been in conversations where other husbands comment to their wives on how lovingly I look at my husband when he speaks. Thanks for the post, it has changed my life (and my husband’s too!!)
Tina,
What you shared about my “Deborah devo” leaves me in awe! I got the joy of calling Deborah several years ago to tell her that the devo had been placed right across from Titus 2 in P31’s NIV Real-Life Devotional Bible. She was stunned! Her story continues to change women’s lives, and it reminds me that I never know who is watching.
I totally understand the struggle. I’ve always been much harder on myself than anyone else. God’s so gentle and kind with His changes, though. We can learn to rest in His grace, but it’s truly a process!
Season, reason and time, what an incredible blog today!
I have a lot of failures. No one is perfect. sounds like a book I would want to read.
I am just starting to admit that I have this flaw that you talked about (Perfection). I think I need to be able to do everything that it is beginning to effect my health. I would love to wing this copy of your new book.
Thank you.
I’m looking forward to reading this one!
Wow am I looking forward to reading this book and learning how to let go of perfect, one of my traits that needs some altering. Thank you Amy for writting the book and Renee for sharing. Blessings, Julie
I struggle with this every single day. Truly. This is the hardest part. And I know if I would just open up and realize no one is perfect and no one expects me to be perfect, things would be so much better. I would cherish this book.
I have struggled with perfection all my life. I can accept faults in others, but not in myself. My only value was in being the best, and being an overachiever. Now that I am in my 60s and retired, I struggle with finding value in my life, as I accept an aging body (no longer a size 6), limitations in what I can do physically (why does getting older have to hurt?), and discovering how to serve God in this last third of my life. Acccepting myself as a valued child of God is my goal, but old habits of needing to be perfect, in my eyes and society’s eyes, are hard to stifle. Looking forward to reading the book. Can we also have it as a P31 OBS?
Nancy, it’s so good to know God’s never finished with His work in us, and it’s never too late. I’m thankful you’re on this journey with me!
Thank you! This is truth that must be embraced from the inside. 🙂
I struggle constantly with perfectionism! This sounds like a great book to help me grow!
I tell myself that I’m not perfect all the time. My daughters and husband hear it. But there are (many) times I still don’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. I want to be perfect, despite knowing I never will be. Perhaps some focused time with this book and my Bible will remind me once and for all that I’m not perfect, I never will be, and that’s perfectly fine.
Your book sounds like it would be very helpful in keeping our minds focused on God and not what others think of us. Thank you!
Yes, I would love to read this book! I need to learn God’s truth about living in the freedom of His love. He does not require perfect. We are all broken, yet beautiful in His sight.
This hits home. My mom came after anything I did and redid it “better “. Even into my early 20’s. Been hard not passing it on to my family. This book seems to hold some good advice.
Oh, Father God, you crack me up sometimes. I’m over here sitting at my desk, pouring over Todays’ Christian Woman online articles about perfection and unrealistic expectations and I get a ding on my email. I switch over and in big black letters there is an email from Renee Swope saying “I’m breaking up with perfect.” SO funny! Bad funk this week. I think most of it comes from a bad case of “I don’t get to’s.” I’m fighting back with praising my God, but its a tough battle this week. Then I berate myself mercilessly for not having a grateful heart. Ridiculous. God peels back layers and allows me to see that I just don’t like myself very much. My inability to follow a healthy diet or exercise program consistently, my getting frustrated at my boys for their ungrateful hearts (which I think is just a reflection of my own), not doing enough at my struggling church, not spending enough time with my husband who desires more of me and feels less prioritized than my boys-whom I don’t feel I spend enough time with because of my job. Whew! Oh how I long to just be me and not worry about all of this! To truly be done with my perfection seeking self who holds me to crazy high standards and imaginary grades. My striving has caused me to isolate myself at church, the one place I should feel most accepted and loved but instead I feel I don’t measure up at all. Anyway, I’m there with you ladies. We should start some kind of club. Sisters in Christ rebelling against the world while loving others or something like that. Love ya, Renee! Can’t wait for my hike at the end of the month! Calgon take me away!
Paige, it’s been a revelation for me to realize how harsh my own pursuit of perfection is on my soul while God’s perfecting work is full of love and grace. He’s constantly moving me forward, but He’s so kind and gentle!
I have so very many cracks and broken places. But you know what? While I wish they weren’t there and long for the day of complete healing, I’m grateful for each one, because with each one the Lord has called me ever closer to Him. Even though despite my best efforts I’ve never measured up to anyone’s expectations, and it’s a daily battle not to sink into the pit, in His eyes I see Love. And acceptance. And forgiveness. I am a daughter of The King! And so are YOU!
This is something I have struggled with forever – if I don’t win the book – I will be looking for it on the shelves. I just said to a friend – I wish I could see myself through your eyes. I think this book may help me with that and seeing myself as He does. Thanks for the opportunity to possibly win your book!
I, like so many others, am constantly beating myself up because I am never good enough. And, honestly, I feel as though I never measure up to anyone else’s expectations of me, either. I certainly need to learn to change my way of thinking.
I have struggled with perfection all my life. And yes, it has kept me from deep authentic relationships with others in fear of what they would think of the “real” me. Perfection is a lonely place, and I am constantly seeking God’s help to try and “let go”. I need to read this book!
All my life I have struggled with prefection so others would accept me. Wearing mask to look a certain way. Little by little God is chipping away at my mask making my into the person He desires me to be. Sounds like this book would be a helpful tool for Him to use.
I’ve been trying to break away from perfection for 40 years! I’m so excited to read this book and learn from it. But most important I hope to teach my 8 yr old not to follow my “It has to be Perfect!” footsteps and learn that not being perfect is good too.
Gracious, yes! I see the effects of my own perfectionism in my oldest son, and it breaks my heart. It’s been a great joy to be on this journey to break up with perfect with him, though!
You know, you never think, at least I don’t that I struggle with perfection until you read the “symptoms”. I do struggle with what people think about me and hold back admitting that I do things wrong sometimes unless I am running myself down. This is not good either. It is sad that we can’t go to each other and pray for each other for things other than physical illness. That is important, but oh how important is our spiritual health.
Thank you for sharing with us how to break up with Perfection!
This sounds like a great book. I am trying to do this exact thing in my life. I am very hard on myself, my son, and my boyfriend!! It is not healthy for anyone, so I want to change myself to accept not being perfect, after all, Jesus is the only perfect person!!
Lisa, I totally understand! It took me wrecking a few friendships to recognize the problem, but seeing it is the biggest hurdle. When we surrender our own view of perfection, Jesus is faithful to do His gentle perfecting work in us!
I would love to read this book. Thank you for sharing!
I struggle with this all the time I feel I won’t measure to everyone’s standards. Thank you!
I would love to read your book 🙂 Thank you for sharing:)
I really need to read this book! I trust we all struggle with our own expectations to be higher than realistic and it really could be mixed in with our own “pride” of who we are! Ouch…..
Thank you for the opportunity of winning the book giveaway!
I long for the day when I can let go of the unrealistic expectations I have for myself and rest in God’s peace, knowing that He says I’m good enough. Thank you for your post and ministry.
I too share your longing but why is it that it always comes tomorrow; which we can never quite catch up with?