Well, I finally got a shower today. Boy do I feel and smell better! Andrew was snuggling with me tonight, rubbing my fleece sweatshirt and then told me how soft I was. Ahhh. Felt like a big cotton ball. (Love it when he’s sick b/c he reverts back to childhood and lets me get close to him). He seems to be getting better although he was still coughing pretty bad tonight. He has asthma so I have to really watch him close when he gets upper respiratory yuck. We have a doctor’s appointment in the morning just to make sure his lungs are clear.
Now back to where we were…I went digging through old journals tonight, trying to remember ALL that God has taken me through. It’s a journey of many years. It’s good to go back and remember. I am looking forward to sharing it with you. I know it will take time and I’ll write as often as I can while also traveling to speak and keeping busy with P31 radio, devotions, etc, which I love. I just sometimes wish I could press the pause button and write everything I want to share all at once. I am going to try to write a little each day. Will you pray for me to be able to blog more often? I love to write but life has lots of things attached to my time these days.
The story I shared about finding the real me and discovering your uniquely you came from a very hard time in my life. In 1999, I came to a breaking point. I had been a Christian for 10 years. I knew Jesus said He came to give us abundant life, but there was nothing abundant in my life except busyness, obligations, guilt and self-doubt. I felt like my heart was shriveling up to die. I had lost the closeness of my first love – Jesus.
He hadn’t moved away, but I had. Although I had been walking with Him for 10 years, somehow I had gotten lost along the path. The patterns of people-pleasing and performance-based living had found their way back into my life and were guiding my every thought; my every decision. I was now bowing down to the idol of others’ opinions.
The odd thing is that it looked like I was living for God and serving Him with all of my heart. I was a stay-at home-mom, volunteering 15-20 hours each week for P31 from my living room or kitchen table (thanks to internet). I was on the women’s prayer team at church. I co-lead a mom’s Bible study. I attended another study at church on Wednesday nights. I reached out to women in my neighborhood. I dropped everything to help a friend in need. My house was way to clean and my family probably felt like they lived in a display case instead of a home. It was my way of trying to be “perfect” – I know it’s sickening and believe me it eventually made me sick, at heart.
Some say to be careful when talking about finding the real me, and I understand. There is an important balance. I am not saying find the real “you” so you can neglect everyone else and be “happy.” I am saying, delight yourself in HIM and He will give you the desires of your heart – to match His desires for you. I am saying find out who God wants you to be. Find out what makes your heart come alive.
One of my favorite quotes is, “ “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” — Harold Thurman Whitman
My heart was no longer alive. It had gone numb. I was slipping into a pit of depression. Focused on serving other people for the wrong reasons, I felt hopeless when my accomplishments or their compliments didn’t satisfy. I had assumed God wanted me to busy myself with good things in His name. But instead of asking Him what He wanted, I became who my mom and dad wanted me to be. Who my husband and kids needed me to be. Who friends and co-workers expected me to be.
So, today I want to encourage you to ask God to show you two things. First, His absolute delight in you. Just simply be still and let Him love you! Then ask Him to show you one thing that makes your heart come alive. Is it reading? Is it writing? Is it colors, flowers, smells, bubble baths, music, artwork, laughter, order, encouraging others, making something with your hands, exercise, ___________?
- Is there time in your busy life for you to experience this regularly?
- Are there things you may be doing to fill the emptiness but they don’t bring any joy? (ie. tv, email, excessive blog reading, eating, gossip magazines, more tv, overspending, overcommitting)
Let’s share them here by clicking “comments” below, and encourage one another with ways we can carve out little pockets of time to help our hearts come alive. This is just one small thing I started to think about way back in 1999. It brought hope to my heart and helped me find my joy in Christ and the unique desires He wanted to fulfill, instead of me seeking to be satisfied by my performance and others approval.
I pray also that the eyes of your heart will be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints and his incomparably great power for us who believe. Ephesians 1:18-19
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Rene,
May God bless you…
I have just started to read your blog.
Your walk with the Lord and obvious integrity inspire me.
Thank you so much!
Love,
Sal
Hi Renee,
I am backtracking a few days, but saw this blog and felt I must respond. Last year was an extremely hard year for me. I came face to face with the reality that I had been going down what may have seemed like a Godly path, but for the wrong reasons. What started out as a noble cause, wanting to help those who are hurting know the love of God and that there is hope, ended up being a journey in fulfilling empty parts of my own life. And in the meantime leaving my life in shambles. The ‘blinders’ fell off my eyes in a very life altering way. Life as I knew it evaporated and what was left was not a very nice picture. It’s taken me almost a year to get back to the point I am at now…not fully healed, wounded, but leaning on God to lead the way.
Your blogs and posts on P31 devotionals have been right in line with my struggles this past year, and I can’t help but feel that when God moves in big ways and reveals himself, and hidden things to people, it just may do it in groups. Then bring us all together, somehow, across states, countries, the internet, to find comfort, support, and community so we may travel together through our trails. All to the glory of God.
Bless you for being courageous and sharing your struggles.
mch
Hi Renee,
I am backtracking a few days, but saw this blog and felt I must respond. Last year was an extremely hard year for me. I came face to face with the reality that I had been going down what may have seemed like a Godly path, but for the wrong reasons. What started out as a noble cause, wanting to help those who are hurting know the love of God and that there is hope, ended up being a journey in fulfilling empty parts of my own life. And in the meantime leaving my life in shambles. The ‘blinders’ fell off my eyes in a very life altering way. Life as I knew it evaporated and what was left was not a very nice picture. It’s taken me almost a year to get back to the point I am at now…not fully healed, wounded, but leaning on God to lead the way.
Your blogs and posts on P31 devotionals have been right in line with my struggles this past year, and I can’t help but feel that when God moves in big ways and reveals himself, and hidden things to people, it just may do it in groups. Then bring us all together, somehow, across states, countries, the internet, to find comfort, support, and community so we may travel together through our trails. All to the glory of God.
Bless you for being courageous and sharing your struggles.
mch
Renee,
This post is so poignant to me right now. I am on a similar journey right now! I’ve been diving into my past these past few weeks to seek healing from some tough times. God has been faithful, and He is revealing new insights to me every day about the person I am now and how my past relates to that. Thank you for this encouragement. You are a great lady!
Kent -Nice write-up. I like the blog and will stick with it, especially if you continue saying nice things about the Boleirmakers, difficult as that may be for you. Regarding last night’s crowd being octogenarians – that’s really not far from the truth. Thankfully, that was the last game this season which wasn’t on the student season ticket package.
Kan inte annat än hålla med Eoppoyz, fast nog fan borde man binda fast deras föräldrar också eftersom de bär lika stor skuld.
A czego odpowiednikiem jest tytul ‘Master’ droga pani??Moze byc ‘of Arts’, moze byc ‘of Science’Moze wedlug pani magister to cos wiecej niz Master, ale moze studiowala pani na lepszym uniwersytecie niz Oxford i wie pani lepiej.No i pisalem wczesniej po polsku o tych 21 semestrach…
Thanks PTPA crew! You not only keep us informed about new and great products, you actually give a bunch away too!! Happy holidays
Over the past year, I have been learning this same lesson. I love writing and teaching Bible study, but I spent years doing other ‘acts of service’ because I wanted to do everything instead of doing one or two things well. Great word!
Hi Beth,
Congratulations on your first home! How exciting. I’ll be happy to share my paint colors. I am glad you like my decorating. I have a friend who helps me some. She’s great!
I am out of town speaking so I don’t have access to the information. Will you email me to remind me to look in my garage at paint cans when I get home.
Have a great weekend!
Renee
[email protected]
Hi Renee,
I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and have it enjoyed it so much. Thank you for being faithful to share the things that the Lord has put on your heart. He has used your words to bless and encourage my heart many times! Your series on friendships was wonderful.
I know that you’re so very busy, but I wonder if I could ask a favor of you? My husband and I just purchased our first home and are getting ready to paint. I loved the pictures of your home that you posted at Christmas time (it’s adorable – you did a great job with your decorating!). Would you happen to know what the green color was called that you have on the walls in your kitchen/family room area? Also, it looked in one picture like there is a desk area behind your table and the wall was painted maybe a “caramel” color? I hope you don’t mind me asking.
Thanks so much; have a wonderful weekend with your family!
Beth
Ironic….I read but couldn’t comment yesterday as I’ve been swamped getting ready to help lead a workshop at church Sunday on caring for others when they are hurting.
Such a catch-22 for me. This is definitely my spiritual gift and I thrive on doing things for other people. But like so many things, it’s a two-edged sword. Our strengths can also be our weaknesses.
I was brought up SO much to never think of myself. Always, always put others first. Good sound Biblical advice. But, for example, if someone would take me out for dinner, I was brought up to be so conscious of what I order (always order cheaper thing on menu) that I often don’t order something I enjoy.
And of course it’s magnified as a wife and mom. Choosing a movie – I watch what they want. Going out to eat – where does my husband want to go?
And as I’ve thought through this since this post, I’ve realized the other aspect that was ingrained in me as a child was that as the youngest (and way behind the rest – 7, 9, 11 years behind), my opinions didn’t really matter, nor were they given much serious consideration anyway. (I could tell a story about turkey vs. rosasted chicken at Thanksgiving to illustrate!) So that just reinforced it.
I’m not bitter and I’m not a miserable woman. It’s just interesting to mull it over and try to reconcile and balance sacrificial giving with speaking up for my desires.
Always love love love to read what you have to say!!
Hi REnee – oh my goodness – i love the content of your blog lately. I’m so glad you’re talking about this journey with us because I think it’s such an important for women. AGain, I am amazed at how similar our journeys are. first- i have my old journals in a pile to go through – to remember this journey in my own life. Secondly – i just was writing aobut the delight yourself in the Lord verse. Interesting… thank you again for sharing your heart! mel
Every time I come to your blog, it touches me in some way. Now, I am going to add you to my favs so I will remember to come. There is just something about you. I know I just need to come back….often. Maybe we are kindred spirits. I am right where you are. It can be lonely, it can be joyous, and it can be downright painful.
But I am coming back here so that I don’t have to go through it alone. Thanks for the encouragement to find out who I am.I know I want my dreams to be what God dreams for me….if that makes sense.I just have to figure out what they are!
Thank you Renee for giving us direction in finding our hearts desires….sometimes you desire so badly to do things, but have no idea how to get there.
I must say that God has opened my eyes to something SOOO important in this process.
Years ago, before I was a Christian, I got pregnant in high school. I didn’t tell anyone other than my boyfriend and his answer was of course abortion….this was not my desire but he made me feel as though this would ruin his life. Being the people pleaser that I am, I was not about to be the cause of someone’s life being ruined.
I went through with the procedure.
IT BROKE ME!!!!!
I did not know the Lord, so it was not a religious conviction that broke me….I believe that it was simply the truth that God has ingrained in our hearts that did so.
All that to say that when I came to know the Lord, he clearly revealed to me that He had allowed this to happen in my life so that I could be a light to other girls. SOOOO, I got involved with a CPC and began the process to become a CPC counselor. I failed. This was not for me. Let me just tell you that this KILLED me. I felt like I could not do what God had designed me to do and I was lost and confused. I let it go and honestly I think that Satan has used that to harden my heart.
Over the past few weeks the Lord has given me such wisdom and lightened this major burden on my heart. I felt, once again, led to a CPC. I didn’t know what in the world I was doing trying to volunteer again UNTIL I came across a CPC that wanted volunteers for things other than counseling. Things like encouraging other counselors and helping plan events and working at their resale store!!!!! WOW!!!!! This was HUGE for me. I realized that God had a different plan for me within the CPC world. I didn’t have to counsel….what a relief.
This was a major revelation for me. I was able to see that our vision is so limited next to God’s. When we are trying to do what we think God has called us to do and we are getting burned out, maybe we need to reevaluate. Maybe we need to step back and take a look through God’s eyes. Maybe, just maybe, there is a gift or circumstance he wants us to use but maybe in a VERY different way than WE thought.
Lord, help us to see YOUR vision for our hearts desires!
Renee, thank you for you willingness to share your heart.
I needed to read your message today. there are days when I think I know the real me. Then there are days when I not sure. You have stirred my heart heart.
This is EXACTLLY where I am at the moment! I am sahm and love my children, husband and friends but have felt left flat when doing for others. Thank you for your openness and allowing us to know that there are others that have these feelings and “this too shall pass” if we hand it over to God <3
THANK YOU!!!
Thank you Renee for giving us direction in finding our hearts desires….sometimes you desire so badly to do things, but have no idea how to get there.
I must say that God has opened my eyes to something SOOO important in this process.
Years ago, before I was a Christian, I got pregnant in high school. I didn’t tell anyone other than my boyfriend and his answer was of course abortion….this was not my desire but he made me feel as though this would ruin his life. Being the people pleaser that I am, I was not about to be the cause of someone’s life being ruined.
I went through with the procedure.
IT BROKE ME!!!!!
I did not know the Lord, so it was not a religious conviction that broke me….I believe that it was simply the truth that God has ingrained in our hearts that did so.
All that to say that when I came to know the Lord, he clearly revealed to me that He had allowed this to happen in my life so that I could be a light to other girls. SOOOO, I got involved with a CPC and began the process to become a CPC counselor. I failed. This was not for me. Let me just tell you that this KILLED me. I felt like I could not do what God had designed me to do and I was lost and confused. I let it go and honestly I think that Satan has used that to harden my heart.
Over the past few weeks the Lord has given me such wisdom and lightened this major burden on my heart. I felt, once again, led to a CPC. I didn’t know what in the world I was doing trying to volunteer again UNTIL I came across a CPC that wanted volunteers for things other than counseling. Things like encouraging other counselors and helping plan events and working at their resale store!!!!! WOW!!!!! This was HUGE for me. I realized that God had a different plan for me within the CPC world. I didn’t have to counsel….what a relief.
This was a major revelation for me. I was able to see that our vision is so limited next to God’s. When we are trying to do what we think God has called us to do and we are getting burned out, maybe we need to reevaluate. Maybe we need to step back and take a look through God’s eyes. Maybe, just maybe, there is a gift or circumstance he wants us to use but maybe in a VERY different way than WE thought.
Lord, help us to see YOUR vision for our hearts desires!
Renee, thank you for you willingness to share your heart.
I needed to read your message today. there are days when I think I know the real me. Then there are days when I not sure. You have stirred my heart heart.
That was a great quote by Whitman. What makes your heart come alive? What a great question that is? It means so much more than just asking what is your purpose in life. What we think our purpose in life is may not make our heart come alive.
My heart comes alive when I can help someone see who they are in Christ – when I can help someone think about scripture in a new way – when I can listen and share from my story and help someone see that God takes great delight in them. I love the light bulb moments. I love to see someone really “get it”.
Hmmm, I think some things that make me feel alive…things to do with clothes, wardrobe, style, be it planning or shopping or coordinating (I would love to be a fashion stylist of sorts)…I love knitting and reading and writing too. I love to take long walks with my dog when the weather is good. Make bath salts. But I really love to send cards and little gifts in the mail to friends/family acquaintances for birthdays/holidays but also just to encourage and bless them! I LOVE doing that!
wow! i just wrote something on my xanga about this very thing!! great to hear that other people are experiencing the same things! for me tho, it took rejection and a broken heart to get to this place. but i would say that the thing that brings me most joy is people: just being with them, listening to them, hanging out with them, and trying to relate to their experiences to help in any way. that, and simply going to the mountains to have quiet time with God. this is what makes me alive!! and thank you for sharing! 🙂