Ever longed for other’s approval? Does the spin cycle of affirmation-seeking sometimes leave your heart wrung out? Today, I’ve invited my beautiful friend, Jennifer Lee Dukes, author of Love Idol, to sit with us for a while and share how we can live free from our need for approval – knowing we are already preapproved:
My 10-year-old daughter decided a few weeks ago to cut ten inches off of her hair and donate it to an organization that makes children’s wigs.
She didn’t tell me her plan until we were a few minutes away from the hair salon. I had assumed she would be asking for a half-inch trim.
It seemed like a rash decision to me, but Anna assured me that she’d thought it through.
“I’ve had this in mind all summer,” she said resolutely from the back seat of our car. “I want to donate my hair. Because it would mean a lot to me if I lost my hair and someone donated theirs to me.”
But what Anna didn’t tell me was this: She was secretly afraid that she’d hate her new hairstyle. She didn’t share that piece of information with me until after the ten inches had been snipped.
Despite her fears, she went through it. Because, inside her small self, she apparently knew this truth about a life of faith:
if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.
In the end, she told me, she actually does love her new haircut. (And I do, too.) But that wasn’t the point. That was never the point.
The truth is:
Doing the right thing isn’t always the beautiful thing, and it might not be the popular thing. But if we set out in our life, only to be liked or applauded in this life, we will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing.
I don’t write these words as a way to publicly pat my daughter on the back.
I tell you this story because her actions have something to teach any of us who have been scared to say “yes” when God calls us to do something that feels scary.
I’m not proud to say that there have been times when I have said “no,” out of fear.
That happened a few months ago, when someone from a large Christian women’s conference asked me to speak at an event. I felt in my spirit that God might be telling me to say “yes,” but I was too terrified to follow through. I had never spoken to a crowd that large before.
So I told the conference organizer, “no.” Out of fear.
You want to know what made my “no” even more absurd? I had written a book called Love Idol a few months earlier, encouraging women to give God their yeses, even when they’re scared!
With my “no,” I had contradicted my own advice.
Thanks be to God, He gently guided me back to the truth. And a few weeks later, I gave my “yes” to another conference planner, despite my trembling heart over whether people would approve of me.
Most days, I know the truth about who I am. I know that I have nothing to prove and that in Christ I am already approved – pre-approved!
When I remember that, I can say yes with more “God-fidence” despite my fears.
Those yeses are important. Because the moment we stop fussing over how it will all turn out, is the moment we start actually living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom.
We can give our voice, our story, our love. Our yes!
Even our hair.
His Banner Over You is Love.
The value of your yes isn’t adequately measured by the response of those who are watching. Worth isn’t measured by virality or Facebook shares. It is measured by a God who declares us incalculably worthwhile, and immeasurably loved.
When we know who we really are — approved and loved by Christ — we are no longer held back. We are free. Because we know we are His.
Not because we are viral. Or invited. Or magazine-cover-beautiful. Or applauded at the annual meeting.
But because we are His.
His banner over you doesn’t say, “Prove yourself” or “Try Harder” or “Go Viral.” His banner over you isn’t a sales report or a Facebook share.
His banner over you is simply this –
LOVE.
You don’t have to earn anyone’s love anymore. Believe this: That you are already God’s beloved.
Enter to Win
What resonated with your heart as you read Jennifer’s thoughts about being preapproved?
Share Your Thoughts and ENTER to WIN a signed copy Jennifer’s book, Love Idol, and a custom PreApproved necklace. Jennifer is giving away three book & necklace gift sets.
Jennifer Dukes Lee is a storyteller and grace dweller. She is author of Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need For Approval—and Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes. She and her husband are raising crops, pigs and two humans on a farm in Iowa. Read more at JenniferDukesLee.com.
A Video To Encourage You
I have a hard time doing certain things because I’m afraid of what other people will think. What if I do it wrong? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I completely mess it up? I need to remember – I have God’s approval. In my weekly Bible study, we talked about how God knows when we are trying our best, and that’s all that matters! No one else’s opinions should matter! I love the thought that we are “pre-approved” in God’s eyes! It’s a refreshing thought!!!
This was so encouraging to me. So often I find myself trying to gain approval from others. I have even given up opportunities because I wasn’t sure what others around me might say. This was a great reminder that I don’t have to work so hard to please those around me and gain their approval. Thanks.
I just wish that I had read your book when I was a pre-teen and could have know assurance when I was growing up. As young girls we don’t realize that we are looking for approval and love, but we are. How cool to have had the security of KNOWING that I had already been PRE-APPROVED!
I know your book and jewelry will be used by God to give many girls this security. My daughter is over the teen years, but she still struggles somewhat with this security. Would love to give this book to her!
Thanks for your ministry!
Cindy
I love the idea that my value come ONLY from God’s unconditional love, and I need not worry about the approval of any other!
The whole concept of being pre-approved is liberating. It really makes a difference in the way I think, and consequently in how I live. I found a part in the video that says “..we are free from the chains of our own approval ratings..”, so true. Now to let the truth of God’s word sink in!
Your words struck me in the heart and brought me to tears. I’m only 23 but have been threw basically anything traumatic since childhood and it’s messed up my head and changed me as a person to please people and never say no and never accept myself the way i am. I take on everybody’s problems every single day and take it as my own, being rapped and molested has taking away my confidence and having a verbal abusive father has taken my hope away for a “nice guy” one day. Being in abusive relationships with men has brought me down and feel I have no worth. Just reached out to God a month ago and it’s hard.. I’ve read my bible, prayed and went to church but it doesn’t help. I want to love who I see in the mirror and stop being a people pleaser but can’t get out my own ways. My heart is so big but I can’t anymore.. I’m so drained.. and tired of this life. I really think that your book will help me. Please…. <3
Lauren … I read your words this morning, slowly, praying over each of the areas of hurt in your life. I pray that God will begin to use your time in prayer and Scripture to show you in fresh new ways how you are truly loved, as-is, that you have nothing to prove… that you are “PreAppproved.” I’m so sad for all the hurt that has fallen upon you, and I ask God today to lift those burdens and give you a fresh start, and a fresh outlook, and a deep, deep sense of His love for you. Sending prayers this morning, Lauren.
I used to be so afraid of so many things before I met Jesus. Truly I have been made new! Thank you for sharing the encouragement we all need to trust God and do what seems scary to our flesh. God always gives us another chance – As your example, even though you turned down a speaking opportunity, you got another opportunity to say YES and overcome your fear. Praise God for His Love and Faithfulness.
Wow!! Can’t wait to read this book and to share it with others!
Such a beautiful post,
This past year, I also was given an amazing opportunity and didn’t act on it because I wasn’t sure I had anything of value to bring to the table. I had prayed for a door of opportunity — and then ooops, I shut it out of my own fear and insecurity.
Oh, sister .. but next time… insecurity. won’t. have. me… LOVE will!
Oh how I need to be reminded of this truth this morning..thank you for sharing this truth with many of us
A friend shared this post with me. And it was great timing. I do stress out about being approved by everyone. It was interesting to look at in a way that I am pre-approved by God. This is something that I am looking forward to the day that it fully sinks in. I want to be free from the need to seek others approval. I do not need it as child of God.
Amazing, thank you. How wonderful to know that we are God’s chosen, we are daughters of the King, free.
Anna, your beautiful and you hair looks wonderful, your story brought tears to my eyes as I remembered my little girl, cutting her beautiful long, long hair and donating it. She was so excited and I was a little sadden, but she said to me “mom someone needs my hair”. My Sara is now 18. Blessings to you sweet child.
Just what I needed — I hate that I always try to please others and expect their approval. It’s as if I think their approval validates God’s approval. And obviously that’s not true. Thank you so much for sharing.
Brenda
Great message. One we need to remember each and every day! Thank you for sharing, Renee!!
“God”fidence is so different than self-confidence the world promotes. Godfidence relaxes and gives peace. Self-confidence burdens and gives pressure. Thanks for putting words to my need today.
I needed to hear that today! Thank you for your words!
Thank you so much for this message! I am very hard on myself and allow the enemy to push me to question my value in God’s eyes. I need to be reminded that I AM “preapproved” in His eyes! If I don’t win, I would still like to get the book and necklace. Where can I order them?
Experiencing God’s love emotionally is a challenge for me, partly due to 30 years of an abusive marriage where I was rejected daily. I know His word is true, though.
The video brought tears to my eyes thinking about how God loves each one of us, individually unique.
As I’m venturing into a new business career to help women there will be many opportunities to speak out in front of groups. But that fear factor so easily crops up for me too! In spite of that, I will try to remember that God has a plan and may help just one woman then or in the time ahead for them.
And for my children and granddaughters, they too, need to hear God’s approval as this world is filled with so many challenges now. I want to minister that love of God to them in words and actions of their approval.
And for myself, I need to remember His love. Recently I have been challenged to overcome those thoughts of condemnation with knowing He does not condemn me nor say I’m not enough.
Thank you so much for this encouraging word from Jennifer! God bless you for your ministry of ENCOURAGEMENT to us women!
Thank you so much for this encouraging article. I have found myself more than once in that place of self-doubt that caused me to turn down an opportunity to use the gift God placed inside of me simply because I didn’t believe I would be accepted. I’ve also experienced the moments when I say “yes” despite my fears and God showed up! This article was a great reminder that that we are not approved of God based on what we do, say or how we look, but we are approved because he loves us unconditionally and we are accepted by Him. Thanks for sharing and I hope I am able to read the book.
Thank you so much for this message. What an incredible message for us as women. We so need this in our culture right now. I can’t wait to read this for me and for my daughters. Thank you for blessing us with your God given talents!!!
“if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.” Saying “yes” to following God when He sent my family to Indonesia as missionaries in 1999 changed forever the way I live my life. It was such a scary thing at the time but God over and over and over again proved Himself faithful and today I am more quick to yes to the right thing whether it’s scary or not. It’s not always easy to discern the right thing, is it? To me that’s the scariest. My second thought is that I have such high expectations of myself, it’s such a joy to be reminded that I am pre approved. I will have to keep reminding myself of that.
A beautiful and inspiring post. I love your notes Renee.
I get many bible quotes and readings daily to help me start out my day, but your notes seem to touch a special place in my heart….perhaps it’s because you write from your heart. Any artist knows that those thoughts and emotions from one’s heart (filled with the spirit) transfer to the reader or viewer….you have a special gift and I honor our God who gave that gift to you. Bless you and yours…..Jean
These words of affirmation is something I need in my life so badly. I know all this in my heart but my mind keeps doubting. I pray that your book will help in clearing out the doubts once and for all. God bless you.
Loved reading this! I’m thankful that I am pre-approved in Christ! Too many times I’m distracted by what the world says to be approved, especially when it comes to my hair, weight, or what I wear. These things are trivial compared to how Christ approves me! He has made me just the way he saw fit!
What a brave young lady…it shows that no matter your age you can be a role model to others. She displayed perfectly how to “do it afraid”. Amazing what we learn from children.
What an example of fearful love in the giving of a gift that would mean so much. The chain reaction that occurs in one simple act will never be fully know this side of heaven. Being a born again believer, pre-approved are words we often forget. We need not answer to anyone but God. It cannot get any better than that. Thank you for sharing.
I tend to forget that I’m God approved. Like one could forget? Duh! He made me and some days I’m lucky my brain wirfs to remind me that I’m alive another day because of Him. But some days, like recently, fear gets ahold of me so tight I can’t let go. I recently said no out of fear to something God wanted me to do. And now I’m wondering what blessing I missed…
Laura … At times, I forgot, too. I daily ask God to remind me who I am. Do you know that song by Jason Gray, “Tell Me Once Again Who I am to You, who I am to You….” Perfect song for us, yes??
Wow, that video was awesome! I have a Bible study with two young girls (H.S. age) and I can’t wait to share it with them. God has been speaking a similar message to me in so many places, what a blessing!
Wow! This is what all women need to hear, myself included. I love how there is also a necklace to remind us of His love and what that means.
What a great message! I can’t wait to read the book! I struggle with the need to be accepted every single day. It’s a shame that as a Christian woman I need reminded of God’s love and acceptance of me, whom He created! All of the necklaces cradle beautiful messages that hold those messages so near to our hearts- the hearts God gave us to love who He made us to be and hearts created to love one another .
I have fought my whole life to feel approved. Walking with God has brought me the closest to knowing the truth of who I am than at any other time in my life. Having been abused as a child and then a promiscuous teen to a mom of 5 that was left for a younger version life has dealt some hard blows to my approval rating. Only God’s truth, compassion and faithfulness has dented the lies. He has never given up on me.
Now as a single mom I mentor teen girls and hopefully am breaking lies off of them through God’s love and truths.
I would LOVE a copy of your book. I have thought of using it with the girls I mentor as a study.
I am overweight, and I used to keep my head down and not look people in the eye because I was ashamed. Now I see myself through God’s eyes, and I hold my head up high and smile and know that His thoughts of me are enough. I need no other’s approval
What a beautiful article! Kudos to your daughter! I struggle with this often and with knowing what He wants me to do. I especially love the “preapproved” part! I look forward to the book.
I am thankful that my God loves me for who I am and that love and acceptance is unconditional. Our family is in the midst of multiple severe storms with absolutely no control over any portion of any one of those storms. Taking one day (some days one minute) at a time and acknowledging that no matter how devastating everything we hear specific to each, respective situation, is totally out of our control. Continuously praying God will quiet those storms “in His time”.
Loved the”God-fidennce” …having that makes stepping out a lot easier. Thanks.
I love how Jennifer talks about getting over ourselves and doing the scary things that God calls us to do. I am currently reading Love Idol, and would love to have another copy to give to a friend or my sister. This is a great message that anyone can relate to, everyone deals with overcoming feelings of inadequacy. Thanks for sharing your spiritual growth with us Jennifer, so we can grow too.
I loved reading these words:
“You don’t have to earn anyone’s love anymore. Believe this: That you are already God’s beloved.”
To realize that God loves me, accepts me a d delights in ME without me having to earn that is freeing.
I have thought if I was good enough, pretty enough, supportive enough or compassionate enough that things in my life would fall into place. I have realized that none of that really “earned” me what I was looking for in life. To know God loved, accepted and wanted me before I was even born is humbling beyond words. Regardless of my station in life, I have a loving Father who is always there for me, and it is not base on my a toins or merit…I did not have to earn His love….. Powerful!
This really speaks to me. Even today I had to do something I was very afraid to do. So it is encouraging that Jennifer has also struggled with saying yes, that I’m not the only one who gets afraid. And it is encouraging to know that we are loved so deeply by the Lord as we are. I am meditating on that these days.
It is very courageous for a young girl to cut her hair that much shorter. I commend her not only for her courage, but her heart for those who are ill. It is courageous to start a bible study, it was an idea I tossed around for a while because I am going to school in the morning when our church has a women’s Bible study & I work in the evening when there are other Bible studies, but didn’t because I was afraid between my work load at school, my family (Husband & 2 children ages 15 & 4), and my nearly full-time job I wouldn’t have time to MAKE SURE I was prepared ahead to lead the study. I wouldn’t want to let anyone down. There did become an opportunity for a Bible study, & my employer is giving me that day off each week, so I can at least participate in one. I do have a good platform to witness to my customers, but never seem to have the response I should say when I am complimented. Sometimes, I push the proper thought back thinking the person won’t like it, sometimes I don’t even think of it. I’m always trying to help myself with the right response. I think I have a good one, but haven’t used it. I believe the Pre-Approved really speaks to people in this day & age.
Grateful that the only opinion of me that matters is God’s, and he loves me no matter what
In a family where I was the youngest of four girls I was never alone; never a reason to be afraid. Yet I lived my life from a child to the adult stage always afraid, I should be truthful and say at my age now I am learning to feel safe. I know my Lord and Savior is always with me and has brought me through many trials. I did not want to go to school, I wanted to be home with Mom and Dad. I was taught to obey those who have the rule over me. I never went against what Drs. told me, Pastors said, any adult. I taught Sunday School for over forty years. Was the speaker at many ladies events in my church. My Pastors wife and I did comedy skits with over three hundred attending. We were the entertainment before the dinners at church, ladies events, etc. I did these things and more because I couldn’t say no! It took me many years to see why I could do these things. My daughter said to her husband one day, “can you believe my Mom can do these things?” He replied “yes, she doesn’t have to be herself, she is being someone else!” You know, that hit hard! My husband and I have been in financial problems, I couldn’t say no to whatever, loans to cover this loans for that, more for what we needed. I had to take a few days and decide for myself why I did each thing in my life. Teaching Sunday School was no. one. I knew that was because God gave me the talent to teach. God healed me during the years from many illnesses. Rheumatoid Arthritis, God healed, Rheumatic Fever healed. Stage four, wide spread Ovarian Cancer healed, seventeen years ago. God has been so good to me even when I didn’t know who I was. Teacher, comedian, Mother, grandmother, all the things of life. Then it hit me I am my Father’s daughter, I am God’s Child first and foremost, forever and ever!! I would love to buy the Pre-approved locket and book. Thanks for accepting this story. There is a lot in between to be sure. I belong to Jesus and He belongs to me. Thanks! This book will help everyone including me. If I am going to learn at 75 it should be now.
I have a real issue with saying no out of fear. Saying yes, too, for that matter.
I so appreciate your openness in sharing about fear of taking risks in serving our Lord, and would love to have a copy of your book to read. Thank you!
The scary part is not that I don’t want to….I don’t know the how to do things I love. Maybe, it is not good enough, I don’t know. I like to write, but I have no help getting a book written on computer and getting published. I like to speak in small churches, but only had the opportunity twice. I like to teach Bible studies, but not enough ladies to attend.
So, I guess I need to hang a banner in my room and just remind myself of God’s goodness for now. You book sounds good and what a blessing how God uses you.
Jennifer, today was the perfect day to be reminded that being brave is not about us but about hearing God’s call, trusting Him in all things and even when we are are afraid, stepping out in faith and his righteousness…” Do not fear. I am with you. Do not be anxious. I am your God. I will help you. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you with my victorious and righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10.AND to know that we are loved by our Father God just the way He created us, right where we are!
Thanks for your encouragement, these words came at a time when I feel pressure to look at the “storm” around me, and to others. Such an amazing reminder of Gods goodness and that I am pre-approved in Christ. Thanks for sharing your heart. Looking forward to the book!
I would love to read this book……… I would definitely pay it forward and share it when I am done!!!
Such a joy to know I am not alone in the struggle for approval. Thank you for providing keys to stepping out of this and into what GOD wants us to be!
‘Pre-Approved’ – what a wonderful synonym for ‘Justified.’ A few years ago, struggling with some choices previously made in life, I was reminded that because of Christ I was justified. It was in that word that I could speak my first prayer in public and in doing so a confidence appeared that was new for me. Thank you for this additional word to my Christ dictionary – a word I will now include in my armor and teach my two nieces to embrace.