Ever longed for other’s approval? Does the spin cycle of affirmation-seeking sometimes leave your heart wrung out? Today, I’ve invited my beautiful friend, Jennifer Lee Dukes, author of Love Idol, to sit with us for a while and share how we can live free from our need for approval – knowing we are already preapproved:
My 10-year-old daughter decided a few weeks ago to cut ten inches off of her hair and donate it to an organization that makes children’s wigs.
She didn’t tell me her plan until we were a few minutes away from the hair salon. I had assumed she would be asking for a half-inch trim.
It seemed like a rash decision to me, but Anna assured me that she’d thought it through.
“I’ve had this in mind all summer,” she said resolutely from the back seat of our car. “I want to donate my hair. Because it would mean a lot to me if I lost my hair and someone donated theirs to me.”
But what Anna didn’t tell me was this: She was secretly afraid that she’d hate her new hairstyle. She didn’t share that piece of information with me until after the ten inches had been snipped.
Despite her fears, she went through it. Because, inside her small self, she apparently knew this truth about a life of faith:
if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.
In the end, she told me, she actually does love her new haircut. (And I do, too.) But that wasn’t the point. That was never the point.
The truth is:
Doing the right thing isn’t always the beautiful thing, and it might not be the popular thing. But if we set out in our life, only to be liked or applauded in this life, we will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing.
I don’t write these words as a way to publicly pat my daughter on the back.
I tell you this story because her actions have something to teach any of us who have been scared to say “yes” when God calls us to do something that feels scary.
I’m not proud to say that there have been times when I have said “no,” out of fear.
That happened a few months ago, when someone from a large Christian women’s conference asked me to speak at an event. I felt in my spirit that God might be telling me to say “yes,” but I was too terrified to follow through. I had never spoken to a crowd that large before.
So I told the conference organizer, “no.” Out of fear.
You want to know what made my “no” even more absurd? I had written a book called Love Idol a few months earlier, encouraging women to give God their yeses, even when they’re scared!
With my “no,” I had contradicted my own advice.
Thanks be to God, He gently guided me back to the truth. And a few weeks later, I gave my “yes” to another conference planner, despite my trembling heart over whether people would approve of me.
Most days, I know the truth about who I am. I know that I have nothing to prove and that in Christ I am already approved – pre-approved!
When I remember that, I can say yes with more “God-fidence” despite my fears.
Those yeses are important. Because the moment we stop fussing over how it will all turn out, is the moment we start actually living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom.
We can give our voice, our story, our love. Our yes!
Even our hair.
His Banner Over You is Love.
The value of your yes isn’t adequately measured by the response of those who are watching. Worth isn’t measured by virality or Facebook shares. It is measured by a God who declares us incalculably worthwhile, and immeasurably loved.
When we know who we really are — approved and loved by Christ — we are no longer held back. We are free. Because we know we are His.
Not because we are viral. Or invited. Or magazine-cover-beautiful. Or applauded at the annual meeting.
But because we are His.
His banner over you doesn’t say, “Prove yourself” or “Try Harder” or “Go Viral.” His banner over you isn’t a sales report or a Facebook share.
His banner over you is simply this –
LOVE.
You don’t have to earn anyone’s love anymore. Believe this: That you are already God’s beloved.
Enter to Win
What resonated with your heart as you read Jennifer’s thoughts about being preapproved?
Share Your Thoughts and ENTER to WIN a signed copy Jennifer’s book, Love Idol, and a custom PreApproved necklace. Jennifer is giving away three book & necklace gift sets.
Jennifer Dukes Lee is a storyteller and grace dweller. She is author of Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need For Approval—and Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes. She and her husband are raising crops, pigs and two humans on a farm in Iowa. Read more at JenniferDukesLee.com.
A Video To Encourage You
The sweet, refreshing extraordinary gift of being free because of His approval of me. Nothing I ever did or nothing I will ever do will give Him reason to take away the precious gift of His acceptance and
pre-approval me whether it be on one of those glorious days or one of those super
“I’m a mess kind-of’days”.
Thank you for being so brave. It is quite humbling to do life with you through your books and social media. Your words have been healing grace to my soul and they fight for me. When I read your posts I feel like you are fightting for me to become brave. To show up. To dream big. To give grace. This post has taught me to fight. Fight every day to know who I am. That I am not defined by my failures nor my triumphs. I am learning to love myself, learning to sing praise in the storm, learning that I don’t need answers, I need Jesus. Finding rest in the fact that I am learning how to love myself. Praying boldly for you and with you. We love you Jesus.
Pre-approved is really, finally sinking in for me in this challenging season of life. Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
I was just talking to a life coach about not knowing what my next path is. I am wondering if I really know the next step, but if I am letting fear keep me from really seeing it because I am waiting for someone else to give me permission. I want to get to the point were I know what I want to do and can “say yes with more “God-fidence” despite my fears”.
How beautiful! A reminder to us all Who our worth comes from. I can’t wait to read this book.
Too many times I had looked for approval in the wrong places and in people. I tried so hard to please and be the perfect person, everyone wanted. After a long journey of trials and tribulations and a divorce, I fell rock bottom. I not only was in a dark pit, there was a blank mirror when I looked at myself. If I could only push a button to erase all the negative and start all over would had been awesome. Yet, God(my Abba) never saw me with negativity or blackness all he saw was a huge rainbow of beauty in me. Realizing that I am Pre-Approved no matter how many times I fail, fall and be make mistakes, my Abba love and presence erases everything and tells me that I am Pre-Approved he is just ready for me to accept his plans (application) with no strings attached, waiver, or no down payment of any sort is the most free I have been in such a long time. All I am seeing is all the Love, Grace, and Mercy he has in store for me.
This is something even now at 56 yrs old that I continue to struggle with daily. The lies are so deeply ingrained in me that I really have a difficult time letting them go. This post brought me to tears since you were speaking my heart. Thank you. I am trusting and believing that God will get me through this and believing that I am enough.
After spending practically my whole life living for the approval of others and living in fear of what people think of me, I think I’m finally getting it. Perfect love casts out fear. God loves me! I am chosen and accepted. I am pre-approved. Thank you, Jennifer, for your encouragement. I can’t wait to read your book!
Thank you for sharing your heart on this matter! It’s another big drop in the bucket of encouragement I’ve gathered to push me to do what God has called me to do without any fear or any excuses.
Thanks for sharing the truth, Jennifer! When we are scared or weak, God is strong. He continues to be faithful. The funny thing is, it still surprises me! Loved your book! Take care!
Thank you for affirming who we are because of Whose we are! As I’ve begun walking in an intimate relationship with God rather than just ‘knowing’ truth but experiencing the truth of being a beloved daughter of the most high God, It has been transformational, releasing me from worrying about what others think. I’d love to read the book and be able to share it with friends/family. Thanks so much!
I’ve passed up many opportunities to serve God in my lifetime because of my fear of failure to please others.
Thank you for this reminder that God has already approved me and that is all I need.
This looks so amazing and jam-packed with the truths of God’s love for each of us! I would LOVE to win the necklace as a daily reminder to myself, as well as the book. Wow! Thank you for making the decision to follow God’s lead and write this book. Blessings to you!
Thank you for this. I still struggle every day with wanting the approval of others and constantly trying to measure up (and always feeling that I have fallen short). This was a great reminder that there is only one approval that I need.
Can’t wait to read the book!
Such a very very God-driven word…God has been poking at my heart on this very issue. I am His…His opinion matters the most He is my faithful, loving Daddy!
Thank you Jennifer for writing such a truthful book. We are approved through the blood of Jesus! There are a couple of conversations that I need to have with two different people and It is kinda scary. Scary due to the outcome. I know that God is with me and He has beckoned me to have these two conversations, I just have to trust Him to speak through me and lead me to the right time and place. Your statement, “If you never do the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to do the God Things.” WOW! God was speaking to me!
Please pray for me. Please enter me into the drawing for Love Idol and the approved necklace. Be blessed!
Gerri
I loved your video and post. This message spoke to my heart. I have had issues with wanting others approval but I have been slowly taking into my heart that God already approves of me and I am His.
The value of your yes isn’t adequately measured by the response of those who are watching. Worth isn’t measured by virality or Facebook shares. It is measured by a God who declares us incalculably worthwhile, and immeasurably loved. This is what stood out to me. All throughout my life I have looked for the approval of man. I have just wanted to know and feel good enough. This reminded me that my security is tied to who Jesus says I am and that is loved, accepted and he approves of me.
You’re so right! It was easy to say “yes” to God when He brought me the wonderful man of my dreams. It’s quite harder, however, when that amazing man pursues the calling God placed on his life as a worship pastor and starts seeking ministry positions across the country. Yes , Lord—to leaving my friends, my family, my home church I’ve known my whole life? But the scary thing is so often the right one—if we weren’t afraid, we wouldn’t need God. And God promises us He will be with us always. I’m am preapproved in love….and perfect love casts out fear! Thank you for reminding me of this today.
I spent my life feeling unworthy, unlovable, unaccepted; I was not enough. I was a nobody. I can remember as a young girl my grandmother would tell each of us children that we were just as good as anybody else. But, my heart didn’t believe it.
I lived most of my life seeking a love to fill the empty hole in my heart. I though my husband should do that, but never felt “good enough” for him. I though my children would fill that love hole, but felt like I wasn’t as “good” of a mother. I knew God loved everyone, but had trouble accepting that He really and truly loved me – just me. I didn’t have to earn love anymore. I wasted a lot of years searching for what I already had – real love.
Too often….I wonder why I am angry, upset, crying, feeling sad, feeling not worthy of anything, and the list could go on and on. I have my awesome God’s affirmation that I am His child of God. What else do I want– many times I do not get enough of affirmation nor approval. I usually set myself up for negative responses or at least..I don’t feel any better than if I tried it again.
I have an awesome God with me every step of the way I go….even when I am alone– I can be terrific, help others, but most important help myself.
Quiet time becomes much more meaningful to me. My cat sits or lays on my left arm, and my right turns the pages of my Bible. .
I love books! And just like this one!
I lived this way for years trying to prove myself having married a man who turned out to be very mentally and verbally abusive. He would not do counseling and I finally left him as he got very aggressive. I have had to take time to heal through a lot of praying and trusting God to see me through. Still a work in progress as I struggle with rheumatoid arthritis and how others treat those with chronic illness. I love the wording that we are already “preapproved” by God. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading this book!
What really resonated was making the leap into whatever seems scary and doing it anyway. I am a full fledged member of the disease to please club, and I am frequently afraid to say no to requests for fear of not being liked. On the flip side, I sometimes say no to things because I am not certain of the outcome. I am learning that people-pleasing is not always God-pleasing; and the side effect of doing something that is scary is that I get to see the wonder of God’s hand in the outcome ( although that doesn’t always happen immediately). I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13 is becoming my go-to verse for all things scary.
So eager to read anything that will draw me closer to Christ.
The story of her daughter was so encouraging. Doing something big for Jesus, even if you’re terrified! Thank you for sharing!
The day I stopped trying to earn approval from my mother inlaw and sister inlaw was a day of feeling free. I still always work hard at getting along but also try to speak with great care and love when I don’t agree, I try to pick my battles now.
This quote, I think is something that I will chew on for a bit. “if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.”
As I read this, the song, can’t remember the name but the lyrics going thru my mind is this “you are more than the choices you have made you are more than….you’ve been remade…” Can’t remember it all, but it seems to fit….
Thank you for sharing. So many people need to know who they r in Christ and then they will (we all will) know real freedom….to truly understand and grasp the height and depth and width of Christ’s love for us…Wow!!! Amazing love!!!!
I have struggled with this in the past. I have reached a point where I’ve finally figured it out. Now, I can honestly say I am God’s beloved and believe it! I don’t need anyone else’s approval, I have God’s approval!
Loved. Beautiful. His. Preapproved. Though I really needed that message in my teens, I STILL need it. The world is always telling me that I need to be skinnier and more attractive. I AM ENOUGH in God’s love. Praise Him.
that I am ok with God and I and don’t have to prove myself. this is a new concept for me hopefully I can grasp it. thank you for your post it was full of good info.
Thanks!!!
I love the simplicity of the message. His banner over me is only one thing, and that one thing is more than enough: LOVE!
It is such a relief to know this fact! I have struggled with it because of sin in my past, but God has lifted my chin and told me so. Do I struggle some days? You bet. I am still human, but I can go back to the truth by asking Him to remind me. I love this necklace and I am sure I would learn mores ways to fight satans’s lies.
I love the idea that we are preapproved by Christ! I have spent most of my life feeling like a failure and a “not good enough” Christian! Lately, every time I have those thoughts I have been letting the word preapproved run through my mind. I can’t wait to read the book!
Am I the only one to not remember in my soul this simple concept. I struggle keeping it in my heart. Would love your book,
No Latrelle, you are not the only one. God is a very good Father and very patient. Be blessed dear sister!
Thank you Jennifer, I have always strived for approval I thank God that In Christ we are preapproved .I was told that I am helpless, can do nothing and I believed it maybe for the rest of my life. I will never write a book of lead a women conference or any thing like that, Yesterday I was asked to move from a Bible study from me and another friend to a larger group, all day I thought about that how uncomfortable is for me to be in large groups because I get ignored and feel rejected and many other silly reasons. I believe the Lord spoke to me through you today. I did not even try to open the e-mail, my computer has a mind of her own. Now God willing I will go to that Bible study.
I am not interested to win the book and the necklace, but I would like to buy the necklace. Do you sell it?
Blessings
My need for approval runs so deep. But I’m always so thankful when I read/hear something that so clearly reminds me how many others struggle with the same issue!
I have struggled, and continue to struggle, with being a people pleaser. I actively pursue the approval and acceptance of others, sometimes to my own detriment. I’m grateful to be reminded of my “pre-approval” by my Lord and Savior. His stamp of approval is all I need! Thanks for the reminder!
All I can say is WOW!! I really needed this today. I’ve needed to tell God yes for quite some time now but because of fear I wouldn’t accept the assignments. After reading this today story about the 10 year old, I’m going to tell God yes even if I’m scared. Thank you so much for sharing this. Blessings!
“When we know who we really are — approved and loved by Christ — we are no longer held back. We are free. Because we know we are His.” This is the beautiful truth I’m clinging to today. Christ gives freedom! We will not always be free from fear but by His grace our fears don’t have to define us. Beautiful as always, Jennifer.
Living in God’s grace everyday because of HIS PREAPPROVED mercy HE gave so freely to me on CALVARY.
Oh grace How can it be that a sinner like me He would hang on a TREE. Can’t stop singing His praise.
Love the necklace and what a great word to have on my neck to remind me, who I am and that I am already preapproved
His banner isn’t “Go Viral” or “Prove Yourself” — it’s LOVE. Thank you, Jennifer, again. I love everything about this message — quite possibly because it’s the very practical Gospel — and would love the opportunity to gift an all-time-favorite book. xoxo
I have never heard of Jennifer’s book or even as an author. I am anxious to try this book as it sounds like something that I struggke with often! Thank you.
His love not only covers us from all of the outside stressors but it also gives us his protection to not want what others have and to believe in HIS belief in us. He pre approved us for all if this … He knows the DNA of our hearts and can breathe the Holy Spirit in to us to go and share his love. This pre approval gives us strength, perseverance and courage. It is in this that we walk with HIM !
I’m still struggling with God’s preapproving me, but today I watched the skit guys God’s Chisel on Youtube and God loves us unconditionally regardless of what we done even though He is more concerned with making us more in the image of His Son. Not what people expect to be. It really spoke to me and sort of relates to what your saying. I need to trust God more and worry about what He thinks.
Thank you for this important reminder and message. Thank you to my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ that it is become more and more real to my heart. I loved the story about your daughter’s hair! What a brave girl she is!
OMG, talk about toes being stepped on…this is a message that I most definitely need to hear, and thanx for sharing it….God has been urging me to lead a certain Bible Study but I have had so many excuses, the main one being I am not qualified….but now reading this, I’ve already been pre-approved and just need to grasp the God-fidence that you mentioned….love that word…right up there with God-incidence…definitely need to get a copy of your book to help me give God my yeses, even when I am scared…like teaching a Bible Study. I have the books, the DVDs needed for the study, but being held back by fear.
I can so relate to this, Jennifer. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly. I can relate because I’ve been asked to speak to a much smaller crowd before, and like you, I wanted to say no. It turned out that illness prevented me from taking that first opportunity anyway, but I know it’s coming. And I’m still scared, but I know God will equip me. Beautiful reminder that I don’t have to prove myself. Much love to you.
I appreciated this and feel it is critical to all ladies, regardles of their age. Battling all the ways that we may feel unloved is spiritual warfare and thankfully, victory can be ours in Christ. think about getting this necklace for my 19 year old daughter. Thank you.
That I had been praying for this certain job and when the door finally opened I wanted to say “No” because it was a new environment and new people and I started to doubt myself whether or not I was the right person for it even after the manager told me I would be a great fit for them. So instead of telling them “No” I am going to tell them yes and take that leap of faith and God will take care of the rest.