Ever longed for other’s approval? Does the spin cycle of affirmation-seeking sometimes leave your heart wrung out? Today, I’ve invited my beautiful friend, Jennifer Lee Dukes, author of Love Idol, to sit with us for a while and share how we can live free from our need for approval – knowing we are already preapproved:
My 10-year-old daughter decided a few weeks ago to cut ten inches off of her hair and donate it to an organization that makes children’s wigs.
She didn’t tell me her plan until we were a few minutes away from the hair salon. I had assumed she would be asking for a half-inch trim.
It seemed like a rash decision to me, but Anna assured me that she’d thought it through.
“I’ve had this in mind all summer,” she said resolutely from the back seat of our car. “I want to donate my hair. Because it would mean a lot to me if I lost my hair and someone donated theirs to me.”
But what Anna didn’t tell me was this: She was secretly afraid that she’d hate her new hairstyle. She didn’t share that piece of information with me until after the ten inches had been snipped.
Despite her fears, she went through it. Because, inside her small self, she apparently knew this truth about a life of faith:
if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.
In the end, she told me, she actually does love her new haircut. (And I do, too.) But that wasn’t the point. That was never the point.
The truth is:
Doing the right thing isn’t always the beautiful thing, and it might not be the popular thing. But if we set out in our life, only to be liked or applauded in this life, we will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing.
I don’t write these words as a way to publicly pat my daughter on the back.
I tell you this story because her actions have something to teach any of us who have been scared to say “yes” when God calls us to do something that feels scary.
I’m not proud to say that there have been times when I have said “no,” out of fear.
That happened a few months ago, when someone from a large Christian women’s conference asked me to speak at an event. I felt in my spirit that God might be telling me to say “yes,” but I was too terrified to follow through. I had never spoken to a crowd that large before.
So I told the conference organizer, “no.” Out of fear.
You want to know what made my “no” even more absurd? I had written a book called Love Idol a few months earlier, encouraging women to give God their yeses, even when they’re scared!
With my “no,” I had contradicted my own advice.
Thanks be to God, He gently guided me back to the truth. And a few weeks later, I gave my “yes” to another conference planner, despite my trembling heart over whether people would approve of me.
Most days, I know the truth about who I am. I know that I have nothing to prove and that in Christ I am already approved – pre-approved!
When I remember that, I can say yes with more “God-fidence” despite my fears.
Those yeses are important. Because the moment we stop fussing over how it will all turn out, is the moment we start actually living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom.
We can give our voice, our story, our love. Our yes!
Even our hair.
His Banner Over You is Love.
The value of your yes isn’t adequately measured by the response of those who are watching. Worth isn’t measured by virality or Facebook shares. It is measured by a God who declares us incalculably worthwhile, and immeasurably loved.
When we know who we really are — approved and loved by Christ — we are no longer held back. We are free. Because we know we are His.
Not because we are viral. Or invited. Or magazine-cover-beautiful. Or applauded at the annual meeting.
But because we are His.
His banner over you doesn’t say, “Prove yourself” or “Try Harder” or “Go Viral.” His banner over you isn’t a sales report or a Facebook share.
His banner over you is simply this –
LOVE.
You don’t have to earn anyone’s love anymore. Believe this: That you are already God’s beloved.
Enter to Win
What resonated with your heart as you read Jennifer’s thoughts about being preapproved?
Share Your Thoughts and ENTER to WIN a signed copy Jennifer’s book, Love Idol, and a custom PreApproved necklace. Jennifer is giving away three book & necklace gift sets.
Jennifer Dukes Lee is a storyteller and grace dweller. She is author of Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need For Approval—and Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes. She and her husband are raising crops, pigs and two humans on a farm in Iowa. Read more at JenniferDukesLee.com.
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The books does sound awesome a a really neat message to absorb myself as well as to teach to young women that I am mentoring. I am enough because of God’s never ending and unlimited love for me. Great thoughts to fill my mind with!
I loved this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’ve often struggled with needing others affirmation, but I need to remember that HE loves me no matter what. HIS banner of love is all I really need.
I can relate so much to this lesson. I was a pleaser for a long portion of my life and thank God I got past it. I have been coaching my best friend on this so if I win the book I promise it will be shared between us. I think God for the influence Proverb’s 31 ministries has on me.
What a wonderful post! This sentence really stuck out for me:
if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.
I am going to read this book and keep the quote above in mind!
This is a battle and I am thankful for encouragement.
The “hair” part caught my attention. I have been living a life of baldness (due toa genentic auto immune disorder, Alopecia) since 1984. Always had self-esteem issues, baldness as a teenager makes you weird, odd, strange, etc. Took me alot of years to accept myself the way God created me and am proud to walk in HIS acceptance today!! He has sent lovely, accepting people into my life to love and pray for me and just be with me. So sweet of your girl to live out her belief in being a blessing to others!!! Would love the book and the necklace!
Thank you for sharing with us, Lori! I’m so happy to hear how God has given you such a clear sense of who you are in Him!
Wish I had heard this when I was a teenager.
What a beautiful video and such an encouragement. I am going to show it to the Bible study class that I lead of 40+ women who are all desperately seeking answers and encouragement. I have been trying to share with them that they are beautiful creatures made perfect by the One who loves them so much that He sent His only Son to die just for them. Psalm 45:11 says”The King is enthralled with Your beauty”–we are beautiful in His eyes. That is the part of the video I loved and will share with them. “let go of the need for approval and learn to see ourselves through God’s eyes” we are loved, approved, pre-approved. If I am fortunate enough to win the book and necklace, I will give them away to the women in class. I volunteer as a bible study leader and like to give the ladies in the bible study little things to encourage them as they experience loss or disappointment . Thank you for the chance to win this uplifting book and beautiful necklace! Looking forward to reading your book!
I’m so happy that you were encouraged, and am honored that you will share the video 🙂
I have a quote that I often refer to that says ” Your value doesn’t decrease, based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” I apologize but it didn’t have a name to give credit to when I found it. I also have posted above my desk Colossians 3:23-24 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritence as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. (ESV). That being said, it is very important that we know who our Lord is and who we are through Him! Even though it would be nice for others to like us and approve of us ultimately we are not to be people pleasers but to be pleasing unto God our Father. Thanking God I am pre-approved and washed in the precious blood of Jesus! Let us be strong in His Word and let us encourage one another. <3
Wow! Thank you for sharing, April. I must stop and think on this. Whew! God continue to bless you richly!
What touched my heart is her saying not to think about what or how it comes out. Just live in the moment with God-fidence! I always feel like my prayers said aloud are not eloquent enough, the words not big enough. But after reading her words I know it doesn’t matter how it’s worded. God doesn’t need big fancy words. He just wants us to come to him and lay everything down at his feet.
Wow….your daughter did something so awesome! It is so hard to do…. We are always worried what other people think and don’t just set that aside and know that we are already approved by God and we don’t need others approval. Period. I have a disabled son that is almost four and it has taken some getting used to with all of the stares and half smiles that I get when we are out in public but I just remember that he IS perfect just the way he his. He IS preapproved. Thanks for sharing your story.
Jennifer~ I look forward to reading your book. It reminded me of a quote I read years ago from Holley Gerth and have kept by my desk, ” If you try to make everyone understand, you will stand still all your life. So leap into the fear, step into the spotlight, dive into the dream.” Thank you for being obedient to God’s calling to write this book.
Oh that Holley. She’s amazing. She truly is. Thanks for sharing that quote, Lori.
the first time I saw this video I was in the midst of one of the hardest times in my life as a pastor’s wife. People were pointing out all of the “not-enoughs” in our life and I was feeling so defeated. This video and Jennifer’s blog became a life line for me and reminded me that no matter what they said, in God’s eyes I am enough and pre-approved for all He has planned for me. Thank you for this life giving message.
Statia … I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you long tonight. Know how deeply you are loved by the King, and how much I’m praying for you right now.
Thanks forr the opportunity to get the book, “Love Idol”. It sounds AWESOME@!
What an inspiring reminder to us that the one truth each day is that we are pre-approved, worthy, and loved by Christ, and that is ALL THAT MATTERS! As a woman, I strive to be the best wife, mother, and coworker, to please others, and hopefully make an positive impact. I can’t wait to read your book!!!
I think we all want to be accepted and have people like us, it’s human. But when we put more importance in what people think of us rather than living a life sold out to Christ – that’s when we know we are headed in the wrong g direction. It’s so comforting to know that our God loves us no matter what we do and no matter what we say. He knew all of our mistakes and screw ups before we were ever born and loves us anyways! How wonderful to worship such a loving God!
This came at the perfect timing for me. Thinking of quitting my job and going back to school for a while now, just saw an ad for a part time job that would be perfect but my fear was telling me no….then i read this. Thank you!
Being of pastors/administrator parents, transferred so many times growing up and living in a “fish bowl” was always very normal. Critical comments toward me as I was so opposite from my 3 siblings, left deep scars so all the more I became the extroverted achiever. My loving husband for the last 17 years has been teaching me more of His love and grace in words and by example to accept how God has made me and for Whom I need only to please. I know all of this in my head but it is a constant battle internally I face daily. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone and yet I still find myself doing it here and there. The country of where my husband is from taught me a great deal when I couldn’t speak the language so well or the customs were still so different than my own. Praise God that His customs and love language never changes and loves us so much more every day.
Hi, Jill. I can relate to knowing truth in my head, but battling internally. I like your final sentence: “Praise God that His customs and love language never changes and loves us so much more every day.” 🙂 So very thankful for this truth! Thank you for the reminder. Now to the business of getting the truth from our heads to our hearts and living it out! By Holy Spirit we can do this. Praise God! God continue to bless you richly and grow you up into Him in every way.
I am such a people pleaser. I hate thinking someone has an issue with me no matter how small. I needed this reminder that God has always approved of me just because He loves me. I don’t need to seek the apporval of anyone else because if I am please ing God that is all that matters. Thank you for Shari g this!
OUCH! Wow, did this hit home. I often hear myself saying, “I just want his approval.” (By his, I mean my husband.) I often clean the kitchen, do his laundry, by him something because I just want him to say, “I see you, you are enough for me.” Unfortunately, I don’t get those approvals. This leaves me feeling defeated, unworthy & like I’m just not enough for this life. I quite my job of 20 years because I wasn’t getting “approval” from my boss. I even wrote an email to her before I left & said, “In all the years I worked for you, I was just looking for your approval.” Again, I never got it. (God found me another one where I am happier, or at least I believe I am.)
I have always been a Christian but am now learning just how to live in God’s love and word. I still need these reminders that I am enough, pre approved & loved by my Father in Heaven. Some days, I need this reminder more than others. Today, my friend, was one of those. Life is hitting hard today! Now, I can fight back with the reminder that “His banner over me is LOVE!” (Yes, I am singing the song that I learned long ago in Sunday School!) 🙂 Thank you for this little reminder!
God bless.
I am so glad this encouraged you, Sonya! Grateful to have your words here in the comment box today!