Ever longed for other’s approval? Does the spin cycle of affirmation-seeking sometimes leave your heart wrung out? Today, I’ve invited my beautiful friend, Jennifer Lee Dukes, author of Love Idol, to sit with us for a while and share how we can live free from our need for approval – knowing we are already preapproved:
My 10-year-old daughter decided a few weeks ago to cut ten inches off of her hair and donate it to an organization that makes children’s wigs.
She didn’t tell me her plan until we were a few minutes away from the hair salon. I had assumed she would be asking for a half-inch trim.
It seemed like a rash decision to me, but Anna assured me that she’d thought it through.
“I’ve had this in mind all summer,” she said resolutely from the back seat of our car. “I want to donate my hair. Because it would mean a lot to me if I lost my hair and someone donated theirs to me.”
But what Anna didn’t tell me was this: She was secretly afraid that she’d hate her new hairstyle. She didn’t share that piece of information with me until after the ten inches had been snipped.
Despite her fears, she went through it. Because, inside her small self, she apparently knew this truth about a life of faith:
if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.
In the end, she told me, she actually does love her new haircut. (And I do, too.) But that wasn’t the point. That was never the point.
The truth is:
Doing the right thing isn’t always the beautiful thing, and it might not be the popular thing. But if we set out in our life, only to be liked or applauded in this life, we will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing.
I don’t write these words as a way to publicly pat my daughter on the back.
I tell you this story because her actions have something to teach any of us who have been scared to say “yes” when God calls us to do something that feels scary.
I’m not proud to say that there have been times when I have said “no,” out of fear.
That happened a few months ago, when someone from a large Christian women’s conference asked me to speak at an event. I felt in my spirit that God might be telling me to say “yes,” but I was too terrified to follow through. I had never spoken to a crowd that large before.
So I told the conference organizer, “no.” Out of fear.
You want to know what made my “no” even more absurd? I had written a book called Love Idol a few months earlier, encouraging women to give God their yeses, even when they’re scared!
With my “no,” I had contradicted my own advice.
Thanks be to God, He gently guided me back to the truth. And a few weeks later, I gave my “yes” to another conference planner, despite my trembling heart over whether people would approve of me.
Most days, I know the truth about who I am. I know that I have nothing to prove and that in Christ I am already approved – pre-approved!
When I remember that, I can say yes with more “God-fidence” despite my fears.
Those yeses are important. Because the moment we stop fussing over how it will all turn out, is the moment we start actually living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom.
We can give our voice, our story, our love. Our yes!
Even our hair.
His Banner Over You is Love.
The value of your yes isn’t adequately measured by the response of those who are watching. Worth isn’t measured by virality or Facebook shares. It is measured by a God who declares us incalculably worthwhile, and immeasurably loved.
When we know who we really are — approved and loved by Christ — we are no longer held back. We are free. Because we know we are His.
Not because we are viral. Or invited. Or magazine-cover-beautiful. Or applauded at the annual meeting.
But because we are His.
His banner over you doesn’t say, “Prove yourself” or “Try Harder” or “Go Viral.” His banner over you isn’t a sales report or a Facebook share.
His banner over you is simply this –
LOVE.
You don’t have to earn anyone’s love anymore. Believe this: That you are already God’s beloved.
Enter to Win
What resonated with your heart as you read Jennifer’s thoughts about being preapproved?
Share Your Thoughts and ENTER to WIN a signed copy Jennifer’s book, Love Idol, and a custom PreApproved necklace. Jennifer is giving away three book & necklace gift sets.
Jennifer Dukes Lee is a storyteller and grace dweller. She is author of Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need For Approval—and Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes. She and her husband are raising crops, pigs and two humans on a farm in Iowa. Read more at JenniferDukesLee.com.
A Video To Encourage You
What comforting thought. I am preapproved! Those words alone are just what I need. I realize how good God is and that I belong to Him but it is always so comforting for reinforcement.
Just the title alone means a great deal to me.
Love to read this book good luck every one God bless
Too often satan tells me that I’m not good enough for Jesus. He reminds me of my failures my lapses of faith, and my selfishness. What I have to tell myself is to stay focused on God. That there is nothing that I can not do as long as it’s Gods will and it will glorify him. I don’t need anyone else to believe I’m good enough, cause God already said I am when he died on the cross
yes Melissa! i’m there with you 🙂
I’m afraid to step out and speak because I hear condemning words. Fear that what He has shown me won’t be accepted. Loved the video. Helped me so much today
Would love to have this book to share! Every woman needs to hear this message!
Oh my goodness, did this one ever speak to my heart…. Just recently, I’ve “declined” in 2 separate areas in which I felt God’s urging, only to look back and realize it’s now too late. He’ll find someone to use for His glory, and I pray for the boldness and courage to step up and allow it to be me He uses!
Thank you for these words….
I’m excited to read this book! I have always struggled with seeking approval from my dad, even though he never really did anything to make me feel this way. Eventually, that translated into seeking approval from God….doing enough, being good enough. I pray that my husband and I deeply plant the thought inside our kids minds that they are enough, that they are pre-approved and that they can live in the freedom of not having to perform for God or anyone. If, as Christians, we could learn to completely walk in God’s grace, I think we would be blown away at how others would respond to Christ’s love being loved out through us. Whether I win it or not, I will be reading this book!
I grew up Catholic – for me that meant there were no Bible reading or spiritual principles practiced in the home. We were Sunday & holiday Catholics. Was introduced to Jesus in my early teens but instead took a path that led to (what i thought was) the destruction of my soul, not to mention my self esteem. Never felt worthy, never felt whole – my life was a mess & the sad thing was I thought I wanted to live this way (each day dying more & more spiritually, mentally & emotionally). A little over 8yrs ago I cried out to this God I didn’t really know, I didn’t feel worthy of & wasn’t even sure existed. In less then 2mo He brought me to a fellowship that loved me right where I was at – no questions asked & completely unconditionally. They showed me how to connect with God & how to live by spiritual principles. And yet I still struggle with low self esteem & the idea that I’m not good enough for God – like once I’m better, once I do more- be more- accomplish more – He’ll “approve” of me.
The necklace would be that constant reminder that I’m “pre-approved” because of what Jesus did.
PS: Now I’m thinking how I should have written about how I wanted to give it away to a friend of mine who is a “people pleaser” because then all of you would “approve” of me 😉
I just fell in love with you Janet. Your heart and your pure honesty. Our stories are so so so very similar. You are approved. Nothing you do could make Him love your more – or less. I know it’s hard to get. It took me over 12 years of try-hard-living to hit my 2nd rock bottom and realize I had brought all my performance-based work to be worthy patterns into my walk with Christ. Oh what freedom there is in the unconditional gift of His grace. Keep seeking Him, keep reading truth, keeping asking others who know Jesus to help you gain deeper understanding of His heart for you. You are on your way to complete freedom in Christ!
I second Renee’s comment! Thanks for being here Janet!
I have lost myself and need to re-define my life. I lost my passion Labor and Delivery job as a RN from having to endure years of terrible back pain and 3 surgeries in 18 months with 7 great children to try to raise along with my best husband….I need to be approved as a new me. I will never be back to the old me. I pray day in and day out for a new start..but live in isolation at home due to severe anxiety. Would be grateful to get this!
My daughter has been battling cancer for almost four years. Many times I wonder why God has not taken this affliction from her and brought our family back to a place where we can have a “normal” life of work, school, and church. I so needed this reminder again today.
There is something in that word “Pre-Approved” that seems to take the weight off my shoulders of trying to measure up to everyone’s expectations.
Oh, so many times I say no, or nothing at all, out of fear when I know better. I continue to pray for a fearless love for God and the people he means me to interact with.
Yes! I, too need “a fearless love for God and the people he means me to interact with,” Thank you for sharing, Lisa! May we both (and others) receive that fearless love of God and His passion for those whom He places in our paths. Is that an okay to pray it? 🙂 God be glorified in all we do and say. In Jesus’ Name. Amen! May God continue to bless you richly!
I had a decision to make a few years back in regard to taking my sister into my home and caring for her. In myself I knew I couldn’t do it, I was already beyond my limits taking care of my daughter who was a single mother and caring for my grandson. But God dealt with my heart and he had a plan. I had to wait on him to show me that it wasn’t about me it was all about him. So many good things came out of me opening my heart and home to my sister. She has gone to be with Jesus now. The journey we took together was priceless.
Wow, Karen! Thank you so much for sharing. Of late, God is always reminding me It’s All About Him. I have to choose to make it ALL About Him! That’s is not always easy to remember, but I want to. You have highlighted this for me once again. So thankful you had that precious, “priceless” time with your sister prior to her home-going. Praise God!! God continue to bless you richly, and by His Holy Spirit to choose to make “it” (whatever it is” ALL About Him!
So much of this post resonates with me. Win or lose this giveaway. I’m getting the book and necklace. So intrigued by love as an idol.
I love this: When we know who we really are — approved and loved by Christ — we are no longer held back. We are free. Because we know we are His.
I am a people pleaser and need to remind myself of this daily. I need to focus on doing what I know is right based on God’s word and the Holy Spirit leading me, and not worry about what the world thinks of me and my actions.
The whole thing resonates with me and reminds me again that I don’t need any other person’s approval!! I have definitely been dealing with this in my season of life right now. Would love to win a copy of the book!♡
I’m just SO grateful that I am preapproved!! Praise God!
I <3 this quote: "Doing the right thing isn’t always the beautiful thing, and it might not be the popular thing. But if we set out in our life, only to be liked or applauded in this life, we will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing." What a perfect reminder! Thank you! 🙂
My whole life seems to be defined by seeking and desiring love and approval from everyone else around me except God. I have been a child of God for a long time, yet still crave that love and approval from those around me. I have been caught up in the enemy’s lies for too long. But because I know I am His then I have to remind myself daily until I feel it in my core that He is my approval and all the love I will ever need. Thank you so much for this.
I so look forward to reading the book. I am unsure of God’s call on a number if occasion and have said no when I should of said yes. Learning to hear His voice and direction will be a true blessing as will be your book.
Your story warms my heart. Hug your daughter for me. How selfless of her.
Thank you for writing this post and sharing. Hugs.
Thank you Jennifer for your words, I too am looking forward to reading this book. It’s not what you know or who you try to be, Christ died on the cross for us, and we are loved unconditionally and need no ones approval. It is about being humble and spending time in his presence, Again thank you for your words.
I so need this as well. I want to be affirmed by who God is and not by other people. It is how he sees me and not how I see me. I see myself as a sinner, flawed. God, on the other hand, sees me as unique, gold, a treasure. Oh just writing this at how he views me gives me God bumps. A refreshing place to be.
😀 “God bumps.” Thanks for sharing, Jeanie! Yes, God sees each one of as unique, gold, treasure. So good to be reminded of this. We must keep this truth in mind. God continue to bless you richly!
I feel the body of Christ is desperately in need of a fresh perspective on God’s love. It seems as though our culture’s values are deeply penetrating what is preached and taught in the church. There is a strong emphasis on performance and on how we are doing as believers. This must grieve the heart of God tremendously.
I loved the unconditional, grace filled perspective of the video and the words spoken. As a counselor, I have many broken Christian clients who feel shame and disgrace before God. Imparting how gracious his love is becomes my spirit filled, joyous challenge to all God brings my way.
Thank you – I look forward to hearing and reading more.
As I read though this I realized you were speaking to me! I am what people would label co- dependent! Another’s approval needed for me to function in my life. As I read through the paragraphs I have decided to help my small group here these words that we are Pre-approved! How precious those words are to my ears. And how precious those words wil be when my group hears them and begins to realize that they are also pre-approved. Thank you for you yes to write this article
It took me forever to realize I didn’t need the approval of others. When you read in scripture how God sings over you it brings about a sense of worth and His approval. I have often been overlooked by others; maybe because of how I was dressed or couldn’t do because of lack of money or for whatever reason. But God sees me for who I am and gives me an approval rating that no one else does. There can be no greater feeling than to know we already have His pre-approval! Could there be anything greater than that?
Thanks for sharing, Phyllis! I like the sentence, “But God sees me for who I am and gives me an approval rating that no one else does.” 🙂 Nothing greater than God’s approval and His great and deep love for us! God continue to bless you richly!
I love your word “God-fidence”!!! I definitely need more of that…can’t wait to read your book!!
I think we do forget that the ‘only’ approval we need is our Lord and Savior’s. Yes, I have had that scary feeling, only to realize, that is was not scary after all!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have recently found myself in a culture of “Keeping up with the Jones’s.” I’m having a hard time keeping myself and my children grounded to what is good and right for us. This was what I needed to read – that I am already “pre-approved” by the One that matters.
This went along with our bible study this week – conforming and transforming. Transforming is not always going to be “easy”. Conforming is a lot “easier”. How do you conform?
I loved this email today…it really resonated in my soul. This is an issue that I have struggled with for years! PRE-APPROVED! I loved it…my word for the day-week-month! I just ordered the book and can’t wait to get it and read it…thank you ladies! You are a blessing to all of us!
Would love to buy the pre-approved necklace…where can we purchase them…what great gifts they would be too for my small group ladies! 🙂
Our God is so good! 🙂
Wow! This message deals with the heart of the matter! How much are lives would be transformed if we truly believed this in every part of our being and blessed others with this message… I hope I have the opportunity to do so.
Loved the term “God-fidence.” That is what I need. I also like the concept of His pre-approval trumping what the world thinks. Would love to win a copy of your book Jennifer, but in any case-Good work!:)
Wow! Not too long ago, I wrote a sign that said “Not Enough.” That’s how I was feeling that day. Rejected by loved ones and friends and, sometimes, even my parents. It’s good to know I’m not alone and that it doesn’t matter how I feel. I’m accepted, chosen, and ENOUGH!!! Would love to win this book!
I’m so looking forward to reading this book! It could not have come at a more opportune time in my life!
I was touched by the message! Thank you so much Jennifer for sharing. Reminding us that we are enough in in God-fidence! is something we need to hear and think about and speak out loud all day everyday.
Thank-you!
Doing the right thing isn’t always the beautiful thing, and it might not be the popular thing. But if we set out in our life, only to be liked or applauded in this life, we will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing.
The last part of this paragraph,… “We will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing .”
This really stood out to me! For over a year I had been working out trying to get my body back after having children. During this process a door opened that was a dangerously slippery slope. As in my younger years I felt validated or approved if men found me attractive. As I have been getting back in shape I looked for some signs if other men thought I was attractive. (My husband is great! always encourages me and tells me how good I look, but that wasn’t enough. )The thoughts that came to mind to just know if someone else found me attractive was scary ! Knowing what was in my heart i never went to the gym alone . I promised myself I would never talk or flirt with the idea . Last night God revealed to me this was an idol in my life and very unhealthy. I had been struggling with this for over a year and always wondered what the root of it was. I confessed my sin and I ask that God would help me be completely satisfied in His and my husbands affection and approval.
Thank you for your honesty, Kristy. Praying with, and for you, that you indeed become completely satisfied with God’s great and deep love for you, His and your husband’s approval alone. Praise God your eyes have been opened to this. Praying that Holy Spirit will strengthen you in your inner man to keep your eyes, heart and mind fixed on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of your faith. In Jesus’ Matchless Name, Amen!
I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability, Kristy.
I immediately thought of my own daughter and the decisions she’s made. Then I thought of myself and my struggles wondering what others would think. How would I feel. I struggle daily with doing the right thing in a secular job. As a Christian I want to stand up for what is morally correct, but in order to be accepted/not rock the boat at work, I sometimes have to keep my mouth shut.
I’d love to read the book.
this used to be me… worried about being the best at my job, popular with my friends, always on the go doing something to look like i was the popular fun cool girl… it took me meeting my husband, praying daily to God, and having faith that i am always good enough for my God…seeing this book reminded me immediately of the song i used to sing as a child – His Banner Over Me is Love… for me it took 45 years to actually understand what that actually means…that God created me in His image and loves me NO MATTER WHAT.. I am PREAPPROVED!! Love the necklaces too… Thanks for sharing both the book and your creativity with all of us…
The first time I saw this video I was in the midst of the hardest times of my life as a pastor’s wife. People were on a mission to point out our “not enoughs” and I was struggling to keep from believing they were right. This video and Jennifer’s blog became a life line for me. I was able to keep the truth of God’s approval of me in my heart and weathered the storm. I am so grateful for Jennifet’s life-giving message that I am pre-approved for the calling God has in my life.
Sending you love across the miles, Statia!
As I think through this, I am reminded how often I strive for acceptance. Always trying to say, do and even write the correct thing. I wear down in communicating with people; so I avoid people at times. Maybe I am tired from trying too hard to be accepted. Thank you for the reminder that I am already accepted by the only One that really matters.
The books does sound awesome a a really neat message to absorb myself as well as to teach to young women that I am mentoring. I am enough because of God’s never ending and unlimited love for me. Great thoughts to fill my mind with!
I loved this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’ve often struggled with needing others affirmation, but I need to remember that HE loves me no matter what. HIS banner of love is all I really need.
I can relate so much to this lesson. I was a pleaser for a long portion of my life and thank God I got past it. I have been coaching my best friend on this so if I win the book I promise it will be shared between us. I think God for the influence Proverb’s 31 ministries has on me.
What a wonderful post! This sentence really stuck out for me:
if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.
I am going to read this book and keep the quote above in mind!
This is a battle and I am thankful for encouragement.
The “hair” part caught my attention. I have been living a life of baldness (due toa genentic auto immune disorder, Alopecia) since 1984. Always had self-esteem issues, baldness as a teenager makes you weird, odd, strange, etc. Took me alot of years to accept myself the way God created me and am proud to walk in HIS acceptance today!! He has sent lovely, accepting people into my life to love and pray for me and just be with me. So sweet of your girl to live out her belief in being a blessing to others!!! Would love the book and the necklace!
Thank you for sharing with us, Lori! I’m so happy to hear how God has given you such a clear sense of who you are in Him!
Wish I had heard this when I was a teenager.
What a beautiful video and such an encouragement. I am going to show it to the Bible study class that I lead of 40+ women who are all desperately seeking answers and encouragement. I have been trying to share with them that they are beautiful creatures made perfect by the One who loves them so much that He sent His only Son to die just for them. Psalm 45:11 says”The King is enthralled with Your beauty”–we are beautiful in His eyes. That is the part of the video I loved and will share with them. “let go of the need for approval and learn to see ourselves through God’s eyes” we are loved, approved, pre-approved. If I am fortunate enough to win the book and necklace, I will give them away to the women in class. I volunteer as a bible study leader and like to give the ladies in the bible study little things to encourage them as they experience loss or disappointment . Thank you for the chance to win this uplifting book and beautiful necklace! Looking forward to reading your book!
I’m so happy that you were encouraged, and am honored that you will share the video 🙂
I have a quote that I often refer to that says ” Your value doesn’t decrease, based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” I apologize but it didn’t have a name to give credit to when I found it. I also have posted above my desk Colossians 3:23-24 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritence as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. (ESV). That being said, it is very important that we know who our Lord is and who we are through Him! Even though it would be nice for others to like us and approve of us ultimately we are not to be people pleasers but to be pleasing unto God our Father. Thanking God I am pre-approved and washed in the precious blood of Jesus! Let us be strong in His Word and let us encourage one another. <3
Wow! Thank you for sharing, April. I must stop and think on this. Whew! God continue to bless you richly!
What touched my heart is her saying not to think about what or how it comes out. Just live in the moment with God-fidence! I always feel like my prayers said aloud are not eloquent enough, the words not big enough. But after reading her words I know it doesn’t matter how it’s worded. God doesn’t need big fancy words. He just wants us to come to him and lay everything down at his feet.