Ever longed for other’s approval? Does the spin cycle of affirmation-seeking sometimes leave your heart wrung out? Today, I’ve invited my beautiful friend, Jennifer Lee Dukes, author of Love Idol, to sit with us for a while and share how we can live free from our need for approval – knowing we are already preapproved:
My 10-year-old daughter decided a few weeks ago to cut ten inches off of her hair and donate it to an organization that makes children’s wigs.
She didn’t tell me her plan until we were a few minutes away from the hair salon. I had assumed she would be asking for a half-inch trim.
It seemed like a rash decision to me, but Anna assured me that she’d thought it through.
“I’ve had this in mind all summer,” she said resolutely from the back seat of our car. “I want to donate my hair. Because it would mean a lot to me if I lost my hair and someone donated theirs to me.”
But what Anna didn’t tell me was this: She was secretly afraid that she’d hate her new hairstyle. She didn’t share that piece of information with me until after the ten inches had been snipped.
Despite her fears, she went through it. Because, inside her small self, she apparently knew this truth about a life of faith:
if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.
In the end, she told me, she actually does love her new haircut. (And I do, too.) But that wasn’t the point. That was never the point.
The truth is:
Doing the right thing isn’t always the beautiful thing, and it might not be the popular thing. But if we set out in our life, only to be liked or applauded in this life, we will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing.
I don’t write these words as a way to publicly pat my daughter on the back.
I tell you this story because her actions have something to teach any of us who have been scared to say “yes” when God calls us to do something that feels scary.
I’m not proud to say that there have been times when I have said “no,” out of fear.
That happened a few months ago, when someone from a large Christian women’s conference asked me to speak at an event. I felt in my spirit that God might be telling me to say “yes,” but I was too terrified to follow through. I had never spoken to a crowd that large before.
So I told the conference organizer, “no.” Out of fear.
You want to know what made my “no” even more absurd? I had written a book called Love Idol a few months earlier, encouraging women to give God their yeses, even when they’re scared!
With my “no,” I had contradicted my own advice.
Thanks be to God, He gently guided me back to the truth. And a few weeks later, I gave my “yes” to another conference planner, despite my trembling heart over whether people would approve of me.
Most days, I know the truth about who I am. I know that I have nothing to prove and that in Christ I am already approved – pre-approved!
When I remember that, I can say yes with more “God-fidence” despite my fears.
Those yeses are important. Because the moment we stop fussing over how it will all turn out, is the moment we start actually living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom.
We can give our voice, our story, our love. Our yes!
Even our hair.
His Banner Over You is Love.
The value of your yes isn’t adequately measured by the response of those who are watching. Worth isn’t measured by virality or Facebook shares. It is measured by a God who declares us incalculably worthwhile, and immeasurably loved.
When we know who we really are — approved and loved by Christ — we are no longer held back. We are free. Because we know we are His.
Not because we are viral. Or invited. Or magazine-cover-beautiful. Or applauded at the annual meeting.
But because we are His.
His banner over you doesn’t say, “Prove yourself” or “Try Harder” or “Go Viral.” His banner over you isn’t a sales report or a Facebook share.
His banner over you is simply this –
LOVE.
You don’t have to earn anyone’s love anymore. Believe this: That you are already God’s beloved.
Enter to Win
What resonated with your heart as you read Jennifer’s thoughts about being preapproved?
Share Your Thoughts and ENTER to WIN a signed copy Jennifer’s book, Love Idol, and a custom PreApproved necklace. Jennifer is giving away three book & necklace gift sets.
Jennifer Dukes Lee is a storyteller and grace dweller. She is author of Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need For Approval—and Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes. She and her husband are raising crops, pigs and two humans on a farm in Iowa. Read more at JenniferDukesLee.com.
A Video To Encourage You
Wow….your daughter did something so awesome! It is so hard to do…. We are always worried what other people think and don’t just set that aside and know that we are already approved by God and we don’t need others approval. Period. I have a disabled son that is almost four and it has taken some getting used to with all of the stares and half smiles that I get when we are out in public but I just remember that he IS perfect just the way he his. He IS preapproved. Thanks for sharing your story.
Jennifer~ I look forward to reading your book. It reminded me of a quote I read years ago from Holley Gerth and have kept by my desk, ” If you try to make everyone understand, you will stand still all your life. So leap into the fear, step into the spotlight, dive into the dream.” Thank you for being obedient to God’s calling to write this book.
Oh that Holley. She’s amazing. She truly is. Thanks for sharing that quote, Lori.
the first time I saw this video I was in the midst of one of the hardest times in my life as a pastor’s wife. People were pointing out all of the “not-enoughs” in our life and I was feeling so defeated. This video and Jennifer’s blog became a life line for me and reminded me that no matter what they said, in God’s eyes I am enough and pre-approved for all He has planned for me. Thank you for this life giving message.
Statia … I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you long tonight. Know how deeply you are loved by the King, and how much I’m praying for you right now.
Thanks forr the opportunity to get the book, “Love Idol”. It sounds AWESOME@!
What an inspiring reminder to us that the one truth each day is that we are pre-approved, worthy, and loved by Christ, and that is ALL THAT MATTERS! As a woman, I strive to be the best wife, mother, and coworker, to please others, and hopefully make an positive impact. I can’t wait to read your book!!!
I think we all want to be accepted and have people like us, it’s human. But when we put more importance in what people think of us rather than living a life sold out to Christ – that’s when we know we are headed in the wrong g direction. It’s so comforting to know that our God loves us no matter what we do and no matter what we say. He knew all of our mistakes and screw ups before we were ever born and loves us anyways! How wonderful to worship such a loving God!
This came at the perfect timing for me. Thinking of quitting my job and going back to school for a while now, just saw an ad for a part time job that would be perfect but my fear was telling me no….then i read this. Thank you!
Being of pastors/administrator parents, transferred so many times growing up and living in a “fish bowl” was always very normal. Critical comments toward me as I was so opposite from my 3 siblings, left deep scars so all the more I became the extroverted achiever. My loving husband for the last 17 years has been teaching me more of His love and grace in words and by example to accept how God has made me and for Whom I need only to please. I know all of this in my head but it is a constant battle internally I face daily. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone and yet I still find myself doing it here and there. The country of where my husband is from taught me a great deal when I couldn’t speak the language so well or the customs were still so different than my own. Praise God that His customs and love language never changes and loves us so much more every day.
Hi, Jill. I can relate to knowing truth in my head, but battling internally. I like your final sentence: “Praise God that His customs and love language never changes and loves us so much more every day.” 🙂 So very thankful for this truth! Thank you for the reminder. Now to the business of getting the truth from our heads to our hearts and living it out! By Holy Spirit we can do this. Praise God! God continue to bless you richly and grow you up into Him in every way.
I am such a people pleaser. I hate thinking someone has an issue with me no matter how small. I needed this reminder that God has always approved of me just because He loves me. I don’t need to seek the apporval of anyone else because if I am please ing God that is all that matters. Thank you for Shari g this!
OUCH! Wow, did this hit home. I often hear myself saying, “I just want his approval.” (By his, I mean my husband.) I often clean the kitchen, do his laundry, by him something because I just want him to say, “I see you, you are enough for me.” Unfortunately, I don’t get those approvals. This leaves me feeling defeated, unworthy & like I’m just not enough for this life. I quite my job of 20 years because I wasn’t getting “approval” from my boss. I even wrote an email to her before I left & said, “In all the years I worked for you, I was just looking for your approval.” Again, I never got it. (God found me another one where I am happier, or at least I believe I am.)
I have always been a Christian but am now learning just how to live in God’s love and word. I still need these reminders that I am enough, pre approved & loved by my Father in Heaven. Some days, I need this reminder more than others. Today, my friend, was one of those. Life is hitting hard today! Now, I can fight back with the reminder that “His banner over me is LOVE!” (Yes, I am singing the song that I learned long ago in Sunday School!) 🙂 Thank you for this little reminder!
God bless.
I am so glad this encouraged you, Sonya! Grateful to have your words here in the comment box today!
Oh, how I needed to read this today! Thanks for the opportunity to win!
Beautiful words filled with truth that I so desperately need to remember. Thank you and God bless!
It is so nice to have it said that we are preapproved and that we don’t need anyone else but Jesus. As women we all struggle so very much with being approved – do we have the right clothes on, are we saying the right things, are we acting the right way? I started a new job in July and for the first couple of months, I struggled terribly to be accepted. After quite a few tears, one day after reading a post, it hit me that I didn’t need these women to accept me. I have been accepted and after that, the job was easier. There are still days that I have to remind myself that some of the things that they do don’t bother me, but I remind myself that Jesus does love me wholeheartedly and that is really all I will ever need.
Love this…your sweet girl did something BRAVE. Oh how God is teaching us everyday through the every day moments…so many times through our children.
God’s love for us is greater than we can comprehend. We have to embrace the concept and share His love with those we come in contact with.
Doing what is right even when it may hurt or we may have fear. God is near!
As a woman and it started as a young girl I was always striving for my dad’s approval, which came in the form of “spankings” as I wasn’t good enough. Then when I married I strived again for his acceptance which came in the form of physical abuse that I thought for years was the only way to get his love and attention. It took most of my life to come to Jesus and realize that I didn’t have to strive or do things that I knew in my heart were wrong to get approval from the World – My Lord and Savior loves me just as I am – baggage and wrong choices. I had his acceptance, all I had to do was say Yes to Him and from that point forward I was forever approved and loved by Him and nothing else matters. 🙂 Thank you so much for this post. Love and blessings.
Oh Debbie. My heart aches to hear all that you’ve endured. And it rejoices to hear how God completely transformed your life. Thank you for sharing, sister.
That God helps us through our Yes and No’s. We just have to jump through the fear and accept that He will provide us the way.
I remember the first time I really trusted God to be with me the first time I ever stood in front of my congregation to speak. I was so painfully shy, so introverted. But when we die to self in order to live in Jesus, we are born into a whole new countenance. Praise his ways!
We all have banners hanging over us. For the better part of my life the banner that hang over me was shame…insignificant…damaged. But in 2004 I got saved and I never get tired of being reminded that He has replaced all my other banners with Love. And the “preapproved” message is powerful too. Because I didn’t have to jump through all the hoops anymore….there was no need or any way tomearn. It was simple. Pre-approved. That says it all.
Hi, Leanna. Thank you for the reminder of other banners over our lives being replaced by His banner of love. That calls for some time with God asking what banners need to be removed that should have been removed long ago. Whew! God continue to bless you richly!
When we totally trust and have faith, the real treasure will be found at the end of the road.
What an amazing act of courage of your daughter, and what an example. I know that I say NO a lot out of fear so would love to win your book and learn from it. Thank you!
I loved today’s devotion and what an amazing reminder!! I constantly seek the approval of others and I have to remind myself that I only need the approval of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour. HE loves me and ACCEPTS me unconditionally!!
I wrote the quote, “In Christ, I have nothing to prove, I am PREAPPROVED!!!
God Bless you, and thank you for all you do to enrich His Kingdom
Peggy
Thank you for your encouraging messages! I have really never felt good enough for anything or anyone, but I am learning thru your messages and prayer that God loves me unconditionally and I can do nothing to change that! The necklace says it all, it is beautiful, I would purchase it if it were available to do so.
Thank you for the reminder that each of us need each day.
It’s important to remember whose we are and that we really are playing to an audience of 1! Thank you
Thank you for sharing these truths! I am struggling with my own affirmation of what I can and can’t do. Am I holding myself back from something greater that God has in store for me? Is it because I am scared that I may fail? These are two questions I am constantly asking myself. I need to take that leap of faith and fully trust God and His plans for my life. I would love to read this book and share it with my 3 daughters. Wouldn’t if be wonderful if I started a bible study with my girls?
I really liked how Jennifer reminded us that God’s banner over us is love. His love is the greatest gift of all. I try to remind my children that they have an audience of One. They only need to do things that are pleasing to God, the One. We only should strive for His approval.
Loved this. It’s so easy for me to look to the results, to the glitz and/or approval of others. I so want to read your book! Thank you for this post.
I loved hearing that my banner does not say “try harder”. Try harder is what I tell myself. God’s banner over me says “Loved”.
What peace and joy I find in that.
Thanks for your post!
I like that Amy. 🙂 “…my banner does not say “try harder.” True! Thank you. God continue to bless you richly!
Lots of days I have to struggle with being confident in the Lord it’s on going battle each day.
What a wonderful reminder that we get our worth from God and not from all these other worldly things around us that vie for our attention. It’s taken me years to get there and some days I fall back but it’s reminders like this that help put me back on course.
Can’t wait to read the book!!!
Yesterday I had one of those step-out- of-your-comfort-zone days. I say a boy laying by the side of the road. I didn’t know if I should get out of the car and go help but i did. The boy said he was just cold.(I could tell he was asking for attention). He jumped up and said he didn’t want to go home. I said said just please go Lord Jesus, and he did. What a moment.
Wow. That’s powerful, Angie! Thanks for sharing your story.
I fight wanting to be accepted so bad.. (still learning I am already accepted)
Thank you for sharing..
The below excerpt spoke to me about ceasing the fussing over how things will turn out
“the moment we stop fussing over how it will all turn out, is the moment we start actually living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom.”
Blessings,
Adriana
I love that while we strive to do out best, our best will never be good enough, and that’s ok! God will always love us and accept us when we fail the human world daily.
Wow – just wow! I can’t even begin to tell you how timely this is for me. I love when God shows up and shows off like that! Thank you thank you thank you!
It took me a long time to learn that I did not need the approval of others to prove who I am. I love having Jesus girlfirends and a Great Big God who love me no matter what! Howeer, my 31 year old daughter is still searching for the approval of others to feel loved.
So blessed to hear of your freedom for approval-seeking ways. That’s awesome! Yay Jesus!
I need not worry about what others think of me. I used to be caught up in what people were saying about me, believing what they said, knowing I wasn’t what they said I was. Now, I no longer believe what they say. I know where my worth comes from. I am a child of God and am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. I am His and that’s all that matters.
I celebrate with you in your freedom, Jill! That’s great news.
Wow,What an encouragement your post was for me. I definitely have felt not enough in my life. And my daughter’s have too. All three of us should read this book. I would love to win the book and necklace.
I have met very few women (or men) in my life who haven’t struggled with feelings of “not enough.” My core message in the book is that we’ve got to stand up to say “We’ve Had ENOUGH of the Not Enoughs.” Amen? 🙂
The book sounds great.
The thing that stood out for me was: His banner over you is LOVE. That’s all we need isn’t it.
God Bless!
Thank you, Pat. I appreciate your comment.
His banner over of me is Love! Awesome encouragement, and will share with my 12 year old son & 9 year old daughter. We all need to be reassured that we are Loved & pre-approved.
Yes, it’s a message that is not age-specific, gender-specific … but applies to us all. Thank you, Cindy!
Jesus died for me. He DIED for me. He wouldn’t waste his life for something that had no value. On my own, I can do nothing, but with Him, I can do so many things for His glory. I love the thought of being “pre-approved.”
Amen! That’ll preach, Joselyn.
Yeah! I agree with Jennifer – “That’ll preach! Thank you, Joselyn!
I loved the sentences: “Those yeses are important. Because the moment we stop fussing over how it will all turn out, is the moment we start actually living for God.” That one hit home. Concerns about how it will turn out is a difficult anxiety to overcome – or more to the point, if it will turn out like I think it should – instead of how God plans for it to turn out. Thank you for the encouragement to look at His banner of love over me as I begin any new task.
It’s my pleasure, Theresa. I’m so glad you’re here. God bless you.
Yes, Theresa. Since I have gotten a job – after being a stay-at-home-mom for nearly 28 years, I am addressing my bad habit of magnifying things and looking too far ahead. God is teaching me to take one day at a time, and to stay focused on Him. What a good lesson this is and will be for things to come. 🙂 Yes, let’s look at His banner of love over us. Wow! Thank you for sharing Theresa!
I need to just sit and listen to the video all day. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Carol! I love the message of the video, too, and it warms my heart to know that it’s encouraged you so.
“The value of your yes isn’t adequately measured by the response of those who are watching. Worth isn’t measured by virality or Facebook shares. It is measured by a God who declares us incalculably worthwhile, and immeasurably loved.” I am finding it hard to not people please and please only God. I hate disappointing people.
I. Hear. You. I really do, Brenda. Praying that God will continue to free us both from our tendency to want to please people, and to seek hard after the Lord! God bless!
So be it for all of us. I am in the same boat – I think I am less of a people please, but still have a way to go. 🙂
I look forward to reading the book! It has a very important and timely message.
Thank you Lesley!
Jennifer – your book sounds like just what I need. It’s interesting – your book keeps appearing in my life and I’m sensing that it means I need to read it! God has been working with me on striving and being perfect. I look to everyone else for approval . Thank you for writing this book!
I would love for you to read my book. Thanks for your comment, Michelle.
Thank you Jennifer for your thoughts and truths! I have a terrible time conversing with people. I have all kinds of good reasons. I’ve gained so much weight I don’t have any clothes to wear. I’ve had a total of about 50 surgeries that has deformed my body, especially the 9 nose surgeries. I have spent the last 4 years giving up my volunteer work just hiding away in my house. My husband loves yard sales and he’s been collecting for quite awhile. He used to be like me about staying at home but since he has been washing dishes at the Senior Center he has to meet people. He works from 7 am to 1:30 pm. Monday through Friday. Friday and Saturday he wants to have a yard sale at our house. My stomach is so tied up in knots about running it on Friday until he gets home. He can run it on Saturday by himself. I ask if you will please pray for me as I step out to meet people on Friday. I pray that this will be the first step towards getting back to the job of volunteering that I loved so much to do. Having so many surgeries, I ‘ve had 7 in the last 4 years and it has just sapped me of my confidence and my energy. Thank you for your prayers. I know this has become a stronghold in my life. Love your books and all the teaching you do.
OH Sharon! It would be an honor to pray for you. I wish I could do so while holding your hands in mine. I am asking God right now to fill you with his God-fidence, that you would see yourself as perfectly beloved and PREAPPROVED by Him, through Jesus Christ. He has amazing plans for you, Sharon, and I pray that you will be an open vessel to what He’s got in store for you. Just be the YOU that God made YOU to be. He loves you, and He likes you. Promise. xo
WOW . Look forward to reading this book and sharing it.
So glad these words spoke to you, Ann. Thanks for stopping by!
Thank you Jennifer for these thoughts and truths! God has asked me to have a conversation with two people in my life and I am scared of what the outcome will be. I know that God is for me and with me. I have told Him YES I will have the conversations and have asked Him for the courage to do so. Please pray for me. The statement that you shared, “If you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.” WOW, how this spoke to my heart. Thank you that making that statement, I have resolved to move forward with the conversations. Please enter me into the drawing for your book and necklace. We are blessed because God loves us!
I’m so glad these words spoke to you. And yes, I would consider it a privilege to pray for you. Which is exactly what I’ll do right now. 🙂
I need not look to others for my affirmation, for nothing else matters except that I am His. I am His fearfully and wonderfully made child. Nobody can take that away from me!
You speak truth, Jill. Thanks for commenting!
Yes, Ma’am, Jill! Oh, to truly grasp this truth and cling to it! Thank you for sharing!