Ever longed for other’s approval? Does the spin cycle of affirmation-seeking sometimes leave your heart wrung out? Today, I’ve invited my beautiful friend, Jennifer Lee Dukes, author of Love Idol, to sit with us for a while and share how we can live free from our need for approval – knowing we are already preapproved:
My 10-year-old daughter decided a few weeks ago to cut ten inches off of her hair and donate it to an organization that makes children’s wigs.
She didn’t tell me her plan until we were a few minutes away from the hair salon. I had assumed she would be asking for a half-inch trim.
It seemed like a rash decision to me, but Anna assured me that she’d thought it through.
“I’ve had this in mind all summer,” she said resolutely from the back seat of our car. “I want to donate my hair. Because it would mean a lot to me if I lost my hair and someone donated theirs to me.”
But what Anna didn’t tell me was this: She was secretly afraid that she’d hate her new hairstyle. She didn’t share that piece of information with me until after the ten inches had been snipped.
Despite her fears, she went through it. Because, inside her small self, she apparently knew this truth about a life of faith:
if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.
In the end, she told me, she actually does love her new haircut. (And I do, too.) But that wasn’t the point. That was never the point.
The truth is:
Doing the right thing isn’t always the beautiful thing, and it might not be the popular thing. But if we set out in our life, only to be liked or applauded in this life, we will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing.
I don’t write these words as a way to publicly pat my daughter on the back.
I tell you this story because her actions have something to teach any of us who have been scared to say “yes” when God calls us to do something that feels scary.
I’m not proud to say that there have been times when I have said “no,” out of fear.
That happened a few months ago, when someone from a large Christian women’s conference asked me to speak at an event. I felt in my spirit that God might be telling me to say “yes,” but I was too terrified to follow through. I had never spoken to a crowd that large before.
So I told the conference organizer, “no.” Out of fear.
You want to know what made my “no” even more absurd? I had written a book called Love Idol a few months earlier, encouraging women to give God their yeses, even when they’re scared!
With my “no,” I had contradicted my own advice.
Thanks be to God, He gently guided me back to the truth. And a few weeks later, I gave my “yes” to another conference planner, despite my trembling heart over whether people would approve of me.
Most days, I know the truth about who I am. I know that I have nothing to prove and that in Christ I am already approved – pre-approved!
When I remember that, I can say yes with more “God-fidence” despite my fears.
Those yeses are important. Because the moment we stop fussing over how it will all turn out, is the moment we start actually living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom.
We can give our voice, our story, our love. Our yes!
Even our hair.
His Banner Over You is Love.
The value of your yes isn’t adequately measured by the response of those who are watching. Worth isn’t measured by virality or Facebook shares. It is measured by a God who declares us incalculably worthwhile, and immeasurably loved.
When we know who we really are — approved and loved by Christ — we are no longer held back. We are free. Because we know we are His.
Not because we are viral. Or invited. Or magazine-cover-beautiful. Or applauded at the annual meeting.
But because we are His.
His banner over you doesn’t say, “Prove yourself” or “Try Harder” or “Go Viral.” His banner over you isn’t a sales report or a Facebook share.
His banner over you is simply this –
LOVE.
You don’t have to earn anyone’s love anymore. Believe this: That you are already God’s beloved.
Enter to Win
What resonated with your heart as you read Jennifer’s thoughts about being preapproved?
Share Your Thoughts and ENTER to WIN a signed copy Jennifer’s book, Love Idol, and a custom PreApproved necklace. Jennifer is giving away three book & necklace gift sets.
Jennifer Dukes Lee is a storyteller and grace dweller. She is author of Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need For Approval—and Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes. She and her husband are raising crops, pigs and two humans on a farm in Iowa. Read more at JenniferDukesLee.com.
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Would love to win this for my daughter.
For much of my life, I looked to others for approval and self-worth which always made me feel like I was walking on egg-shells. Too afraid to be myself in case someone wouldn’t like that person. It wasn’t until my faith really started to grow that I began to see myself through God’s eyes – loved, planned, approved, delighted in, cherished! It was as though a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. In the words of Dr. Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” And God is the one who matters above all and He doesn’t mind a bit when I am who He created me to be.
That should say, after being a stay-at-home mom for nearly 28 years.
Greetings! Thank you so much for sharing these truths. At the age of 58, I am in the first few weeks of a job outside my home – after at nearly 28 years. . What a change! As I watched the video about your book, thinking about who I am in Christ, I took notes. At the very end, looking at that word – Preapproved – I thought Yes! By the One who really matters! To really grasp this is my prayer so to be better used of Him to His glory and honor. I have prayed for boldness for some time – especially to just share my story of His love, or “just’ His love. God knows my frame. opportunities will come, and Holy Spirit will give me the words to say. 🙂 God continue to bless you richly!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart, Cindy! I’m glad that the words in the video encouraged you, and I pray that this word — PreApproved — will mold itself into all of our hearts. We really don’t have a thing to prove. The biggest act of validation came on the cross. We don’t have to rely on our performances. We need only look at the nail-scarred hands of our Savior.
More often than not I go around feeling like I’m not good enough or that I need and don’t have the “approval” of others. When I read this, it hit me so hard that I started crying because I am really “pre approved” by the one and only that matters. I so needed to hear this!!! Thank you!
I’m so in the middle of this. Not allowing myself to be pre-approved yet feeling that I could never be approved of anyway and I’m not supposed to be?! God has recently been showing me that He is with me and coaxing me along – those cords of love. Hearing that I am “pre-approved” really resonates that it is already done. He has already made the decision, even if I fight it and don’t believe it, what I or anyone else thinks doesn’t matter, He has already decided and ultimately it is Him who matters most. As I work wholeheartedly to believe and to follow, I thank Him for leading me to you and this post. It is a very timely reminder.
I like that Bonnie … “that it is already done.” Reminds me of Jesus’ words on the cross: “It is finished.”
May we always believe that truth in the deepest parts of our hearts.
I have a hard time doing certain things because I’m afraid of what other people will think. What if I do it wrong? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I completely mess it up? I need to remember – I have God’s approval. In my weekly Bible study, we talked about how God knows when we are trying our best, and that’s all that matters! No one else’s opinions should matter! I love the thought that we are “pre-approved” in God’s eyes! It’s a refreshing thought!!!
This was so encouraging to me. So often I find myself trying to gain approval from others. I have even given up opportunities because I wasn’t sure what others around me might say. This was a great reminder that I don’t have to work so hard to please those around me and gain their approval. Thanks.
I just wish that I had read your book when I was a pre-teen and could have know assurance when I was growing up. As young girls we don’t realize that we are looking for approval and love, but we are. How cool to have had the security of KNOWING that I had already been PRE-APPROVED!
I know your book and jewelry will be used by God to give many girls this security. My daughter is over the teen years, but she still struggles somewhat with this security. Would love to give this book to her!
Thanks for your ministry!
Cindy
I love the idea that my value come ONLY from God’s unconditional love, and I need not worry about the approval of any other!
The whole concept of being pre-approved is liberating. It really makes a difference in the way I think, and consequently in how I live. I found a part in the video that says “..we are free from the chains of our own approval ratings..”, so true. Now to let the truth of God’s word sink in!
Your words struck me in the heart and brought me to tears. I’m only 23 but have been threw basically anything traumatic since childhood and it’s messed up my head and changed me as a person to please people and never say no and never accept myself the way i am. I take on everybody’s problems every single day and take it as my own, being rapped and molested has taking away my confidence and having a verbal abusive father has taken my hope away for a “nice guy” one day. Being in abusive relationships with men has brought me down and feel I have no worth. Just reached out to God a month ago and it’s hard.. I’ve read my bible, prayed and went to church but it doesn’t help. I want to love who I see in the mirror and stop being a people pleaser but can’t get out my own ways. My heart is so big but I can’t anymore.. I’m so drained.. and tired of this life. I really think that your book will help me. Please…. <3
Lauren … I read your words this morning, slowly, praying over each of the areas of hurt in your life. I pray that God will begin to use your time in prayer and Scripture to show you in fresh new ways how you are truly loved, as-is, that you have nothing to prove… that you are “PreAppproved.” I’m so sad for all the hurt that has fallen upon you, and I ask God today to lift those burdens and give you a fresh start, and a fresh outlook, and a deep, deep sense of His love for you. Sending prayers this morning, Lauren.
I used to be so afraid of so many things before I met Jesus. Truly I have been made new! Thank you for sharing the encouragement we all need to trust God and do what seems scary to our flesh. God always gives us another chance – As your example, even though you turned down a speaking opportunity, you got another opportunity to say YES and overcome your fear. Praise God for His Love and Faithfulness.
Wow!! Can’t wait to read this book and to share it with others!
Such a beautiful post,
This past year, I also was given an amazing opportunity and didn’t act on it because I wasn’t sure I had anything of value to bring to the table. I had prayed for a door of opportunity — and then ooops, I shut it out of my own fear and insecurity.
Oh, sister .. but next time… insecurity. won’t. have. me… LOVE will!
Oh how I need to be reminded of this truth this morning..thank you for sharing this truth with many of us