“You were all called to travel the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly.(Eph. 4:3, MSG)
This is one of my favorite verses when it comes to friendship and doing life together. From the beginning of time, God knew it was not good for us to be alone. He created us to be together in relationship – with Him and each other. Designed in His image, our need for relationships and community comes from God – who has always been in community – Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
I sat across the table from two women this weekend (at a retreat I was speaking at) who had been friends for 60 years!!! They were precious and beautiful inside and out! I wanted to spend the whole day with them listening to thier stories about grade school, family vacations, shopping adventures and everything else they’ve done together.
I was envious of how they loved each other, how well they knew each other, and how obvious it was that they enjoyed each other. They’d finish each other’s sentences when one paused. Their husbands had played football together with a few others that were part of their “group”. Now both of them had been widowed and counted on each other for companionship and laughter.
They shared how intentional they’ve been to make it a lasting priority. It didn’t just happen. They’ve vacationed as families for years. When they were young and had little money, they’d all get together to have a meal while all the kids would play. They have a date to play cards once a week. They have an understanding that if one of them is feeling down, they call the other and say, “Hey, I need to get out of the house.” They are there for each other no matter what. I told them how much I admired their friendship.
My friend Aimy was with me, and we talked about how different our generation is – how busy we are, how much we depend on technology over person-to-person contact, how much less our busy generation values time together with friends just talking and having fun. We smiled and told them that in January we’d started getting our families together once a month for dinner and games. Then we laughed and said we hope we live long enough to be friends for sixty years!
Today I thought about them and wondered if there will be anyone in my life that I will know for 30, 40 or 50, much less 60 years. What friend will be able to finish my sentences when I am seventy or eighty years old? Who will know me better than I know myself?
This kind of friendship is a rare treasure. But if I want that treasure in my life, I am the only one who can pray for it, look for it and nurture it. I am the worst about letting life get filled up with tasks that take up all my time and leave me too tired to get together with friends. But I know God did not create me to be a human “doing”. I am a human being and part of that means “being” with my girlfriends. Even if it means we get together for lunch during our busy work day, or meet to plan our menus for the week, do laundry at one of our houses, clean out each others closets, or go run errands together. It’s a start – maybe a road trip to the grocery store with my girlfriend is just what I need!
Jesus’ final prayer for His friends reflected His heart’s desire for us to be closely connected with each other, “that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you” (John 17:21).
Girl Talk. Talk is at the heart of women’s friendships, the core of our connections . So, let’s talk here about ways to get intentional as girlfriends – traveling together both inwardly and outwardly. It’s not easy, I know. So, I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions, struggles and stories about your friendship journey. Together we can encourage each other with lessons we’ve learned along the way in looking for and being a good friend. Click on the word “comments” below to share.
© 2008, Renee Swope. All rights reserved.
Discover more from Renee Swope
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
How can we have strong, lasting relationships with other women? Be a good friend to others. I’ve had those times where I would check my email throughout the day hoping someone might have emailed me but I found that the best way to remedy this situation is to reach out to someone else. Learn to be resourceful. I’ve stopped by Starbucks before going to a friend’s house and helping her clean house while we visit. I have another friend who I carpool to work with once a week. We’re all busy. Why not be busy together and make it more fun?
I have had 1 truely devoted friendship but alas it disovled. I find it very hard to make new friends because I am so shy. I have worked in a couple of places and thought I had found a true friend,but when I moved 45 mins. away and started a new job the friend I thought I had found could no longer find time to even talk on the phone. It is sad to think that some people can not put work into a relationship that could be so good. I have tried with other people and it is always the same. It ends with them saying call me sometime and we will get together, needless to say after calling them repeatedly I get the feeling it is to much for them so I then start feeling rejected and figure it is their turn to call me. Shy
Renee:
I have many friends, but only one close, kindred spirit kind of friend. She came into my life 15 years ago, but with time and distance, we have grown apart.
I spend Tuesday with the women in my life. At lunch with my 70+ years crowd, and in the evenings with my Bible study bunch. I call them sacred Tuesdays, for they are life to me.
As a pastor’s wife, I struggle with loneliness. My trust has been broken time and again, so I sometimes stay away to protect myself and my family.
I long for a “boasting in Jesus” kind of friend. I long for the wisdom of wise mentor…someone who has lived longer and is willing to invest their time and energy into spiritual pilgrimage.
I’ve given these hopes in prayer to God. My hope for a friend has not been lost on Him. He has been that friend, and the intimacy I now share with him probably would have never come about if I were dependent on others to meet my needs.
Blogging has been a wonderful tool that God has used to bless my life with new friends, and so I say, thank you, Renee,…for keeping us all connected in Christ.
You are a blessing to me!
peace~elaine
what a great blog and devotional to read today. i am apart of a group of 5 women from church who like to get together for breakfast once in a while. i am in charge of coordinating and we haven’t met since November!! So I sent out an email right now to get something on the calendar within the next few weeks. thanks for the encouragement & reminder that God made us to be social!! Blessings!!
Renee,
I just read your devotional, and this post and it speaks so clearly to my heart. i too have been checking and rechecking my email, scanning my blog for any new comments, craving that connection that only comes face to face, not through cyberspace! I’ve met some amazing women through the blogging community, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world, but you are so right when you say that cannot replace a real live moment shared with a special friend. Thank you for encouraging me in this matter, and letting me know that I am not alone.
I moved to a different state a year ago…I had lived in the same house, for 25 years…attended the same church for 24 years…had formed close friendships with a handful of lovely ladies.
This past year, I kept telling myself, “It’s only been a XX (enter number here) months, it’ll be ok, you’ll find friends in this new home.” But I haven’t yet…
Difficult (or good) times are so much better with good friends nearby to listen to, cry with or laugh with.
This past year, I have turned to my friend that sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24)…but I know that someday I will have to form friendships with people here in my new hometown.
I need to be a friend in order to form friendships…so thank you for the reminder to pray for God’s help in taking the time to form these friendships.
What a treasure it is when you find a true friendship like you described here. How precious.
I think one of the ways we can establish friendships like that is by not allowing the excuse, “I’m too busy.” We live in such a fast paced society, that we need to deliberately choose to be different and sometimes go against the flow. But isn’t that what God calls us to do as His followers? We are called to be different. We march to the beat of a different drummer.
For myself I find that I desire this type of friendship. I had found it with a dear friend of mine, but unfortunately on Friday she just moved many states away. Even though I am keenly aware of the loss in my life, I have started praying that God will bring a new friend into my life that also desires a close friendship. Someone that is interested in spurring women into a closer relationship with the Lord. Sometimes I feel like I’m the oddball. I see many women at church that are caught in the rat race of this world.
Sigh… It isn’t always an easy road, is it?
Pearls
Thank you for the devotional Renee. Reading the other comments it seems we all struggle with this concept. With jobs, marriages, and kids we are all just so busy. Add to that the problems women have in general for carving time out for themselves and it all adds up to “no close friendships”.
But we do need to take time. This subject has been on my heart for the past few months. And while most of my friends aren’t friends with each other as well, for various reasons, I have been trying to reconnect with some of them. I have made it a point to meet with a friend once a week for coffee, a walk, something.
In February I reconnected with a friend I haven’t talked to in almost a year. Our relationship ended with both of us hurt for each our own reasons. I decided it didn’t matter who was right and who was wrong. I swallowed my pride, picked up the phone, and said I miss you. We are planning to start meeting again in May for Bible study like we used to. 30 minutes of catching up, an hour for study. The kids are settled in for the night, dinner has been provided, and I slip out the door to meet her. My husband understands that for one night I need to do this.
Girls, having close friendships and taking time out for us makes us better able to love our families more fully. When we refill our cup, we have more to give from the overflow.
Friendships are very important to me, and even more so since we relocated to an area where we didn’t know anyone. I have been in the many places I have read about here in the comments. I’ve been in the place of loneliness with no friends to comfort me; I’ve been the one with friends vying for my time in the midst of a busy schedule with family, church, work; I’ve been the friend desperately trying to squeeze in to a friends hectic life; I’ve been the friend who trusted another and was hurt terribly to the point of withdrawal from other friendships. I must say that no matter what station you are at in life, it can be very difficult to get and keep friendships that will last. I could write on and on about the details of it all, and probably bore you to no end. But, if I were pressed to sum up what I’ve learned about being ‘the friend’ at each stage, here is what I would say …
God is first – He has always been the one true friend who doesn’t disappoint, disappear, or disengage!
Prayer is vital – That God will provide the friendship(s) you need and desire, and that He would show you which ones to let go of and which ones to focus on. Sometimes we try to hold on friends that were meant to be there for us in a special season of our lives – when God may have another person in mind for the next season, or for your long-time, 60 year-old best friend.
Purpose is a must – When you find that special friend (or friends), or if you already have that friendship, you must pursue it. Make sure you both agree on what friendship is, and what makes you feel close as friends(i.e. some people need to connect with their friend(s) daily, while others are more casual about it).Be intentional about your time together – schedule it on the calendar as a commitment (not optional) – and get together as often as you can – even if just for 30 min. of chatting at Starbucks.
You may hit a truly busy season in your life that forces your friendship time to the ‘back burner’ for a while. There are thoughtful things you can do during that time that only take a minute, but leave a lasting impression on your friends. You can send an upbeat thinking-of-you card and drop it in the mail with a note that says ‘Sorry I’ve been so busy… missing you’ and suggest a tentative future date to catch up. Drop by their work or home with a special note or gift saying I just have minute but wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. It helps to maintain the closeness of the friendships when time can’t stretch far enough.
Lastly, always forgive quickly. Quickly is the key here, before an offense has time to take root and grow. You treasure the friendship and no offense is worth losing it over. If you run to God immediately, He will take care of everything, and you can continue to take care of your treasured friendship.
That’s what works for me, and I hope it encourages you to pursue those lasting friendships with purpose. “Two are better than one …”
Laura
I agree with anonymous and the other ladies that friendship is very difficult however for me I realized I never really knew how to make friends. I have one really good friend from childhood but we live in different parts of the country. I have been praying lately that God help me to become intentional with my friendhships and not be afraid of rejection. That’s it I am afraid of being rejected or feeling rejected because plans fall through, God is really working on me in this area.
I am a mother of three, wife, part-time student, full-time worker, and a host of other things but I still desire true friendship like in the story.
We’ve moved alot. So it’s hard to develop & maintian friendships. I truly cherish those who care enough to stay in touch. Even tho’ I can’t always see family & friends, it helps to know what’s going on in their lives.
My best friend from HS is being surrounded by family & friends thru a website set up by the hosp. her son is going thru cancer trmnts. in again. Last summer; our kids & a couple of their friends & I, travelled to help celebrate what we tho’t was his last trmnt. It was so good to hug her & see her smiling face; & meet some of her new church friends ! = ) She still looks young & vibrant as ever ! = ) We were also able to stop & see other family & friends on the way there & back, which was great ! = )
Like the early riser blogger; I too enjoy “Anne” & have read & watched all of them, as well as Janette Oke’s. Canada produced some great authors & singers ! = ) Must be how they thrive in their winters ! = )
We have had many “friendship” conversations in our home over the past several years, what with having 4 daughters and 2 sons. How to find friends, how to be a friend, etc. Honestly, is seems that most women (and girls) are not open to new friendships, do not realize the reciprocal nature of a friendship,and are reluctant to the nurture and care that a relationship needs. For myself, I have one very close friend of nearly 30 years, but I have longed for a wider circle. I have come to the conclusion that while I would dearly love to have a few close friends, it is God who is in control of that too….I will keep looking to be a friend if He provides. Another thought, perhaps our children and extended family should/could be the basis of our closest friendships? I’m not sure about this, sometimes I do long for conversation with my peers rather than 20 somethings, and my closest extended family are not believers, so that is difficult at times. I am interested in reading other comments on this subject. cathy
Thanks for the devotion today Renee.
So much has gone on the past few months, that I have had to slow down to make sure I am taking care of my family as much as I should and in a way that glorifies God.
I have not had much time for my friends (I only have a few I can call true friends) and they have not had much time either.
Where does all the time go? Everybody has so many responsibilities. I have set playdates and have had to cancel for many reasons or vice versa. I have met ladies I think I could be friends with and then something weird will happen or she will say something that lets me know to back off or just have this one relationship as a casual acquaintence.
I have prayed and will continue praying for a GIRLfriend that I can have the type of friendship you described here today and will reexamine the ladies who are already in my life to see if I may be missing something or someone God already has placed in my path. I know I also need to BE a friend first, make extra efforts, if this is what I really want.
In the meantime, I know that I am a friend of God and he has given me hubby on earth and my girlfriend best friend is not very far away.
Most of my friends are working now. I keep pushing for quick lunches each week to stay more personally in touch. I must say I don’t like that aspect of life in today’s world, all the working women and I struggle with it. I’m not sure what Jesus would say about the choices we make to fill our days, not just working moms but all the activities we involve our children in so they will have all the right opportunities to get ahead in life. Perhaps a more simple life would lead to more depth in our spirits, more families who see each other, more peace in the home, more time for others. Hmmmm, I think you hit a nerve. I think we need to re-evaluate what we “need” and what Jesus would say we really need. The world has certainly enticed us and seems to have divided us.
Renee, I just popped in after reading your P31 devo from today about friendship to let you know that it really spoke to me and was a great reminder to value the face time with friends. I struggle, too, to find the balance and often my pendulum swings too far to the keyboard!
Your post here, is just as poignant and will have me thinking about friendship all day, I’m sure. Thanks for your transparency!
Blessings,
Elisa
I’ve recently been extremely hurt by someone I counted as my closest friend. It has made me withdraw from other friendships as well, and while I am lonely, I don’t desire to be in a place where I could be that hurt ever again. I am praying for discernment; I’ve been praying for a new friend; I’ve been praying that God will fill this longing.
Renee,
This is just what I needed today…especially the devo. Even though I do TRY to see my friends regularly, either their busyness or mine is often the roadblock in face to face communication.
I had the wonderful blessing of taking a road trip with 2 of my best friends. I’ve known one of them since the 5th grade and the other since 10th grade. We left Thursday and went away for 1 night to see a concert in another city. We got a hotel room and had an absolute blast. We ordered pizza at 1:00 am and stayed up in our jammies sitting on the bed talking and laughing.
You know how much friends mean to me. I’m definitely guilty of checking my email and hoping there’s a message for me from a friend.
I’m glad you are my friend! Thanks for this great message!
Love,
Melissa
Friends. Hmmm. That’s a touchy subject for me right now. I’ve never been one to have too many close friends; I’ve got several friendly people in my life, but only one best friend. And my best friend and I don’t get to spend nearly enough time together as we are so busy. I’ve got a full-time job, a part-time job that is just shy of being full-time, a daughter who is almost 7 months old, a husband, a home, etc. I’ve got so much “stuff” and I don’t know how to organize my time well enough to make time to develop my friendships. My best friend and I only see each other every couple of months, but we talk via phone and email a good bit. We always know that we are just a phone call away, but we need more than that. We’ve just begun a book study whereby we will meet every Sunday afternoon (at a different coffee shop around town–YUM) to enjoy fellowship and God’s Word.
Any tips on how to make more time for my friend? We really want to make time for each other; and this book study is a step in the right direction, but there needs to be something more, you know?
Prayers and Blessings, y’all!
Rebecca
Renee,
Thank you so much for this much needed post today!! It was easier to “catch up” with my friends when my boys were young. We called a “play date” for them when in acutality it was “sanity break” for us!!! Now as most of us have headed back to work, have teenagers working and involved in so much there is little time. And there is such a lonliness in my life that my dear husband just CAN NOT fill, if you know what I mean?? I am going to make a point to meet up with a friend with in the next week. Thanks for the encouragement!!
Kim from PA
Yes, the story of the 2 friends does leave one longing for more… I have found that it is difficult to find a friend that has time to be close. Most of the people who call themselves my “friend”, fit me into their tight schedule and work “around” me. It has often made me feel like I’m imposing on them… How does one find a friend? (or as Anne of Green Gables says: a bosom friend, a kindred spirit). It has been hard to find someone that I could feel that close to since I was in high school many years ago.
I have tried to build friendships several times but have found that most people do not have time to invest in them. Some of the folks who call themselves my friend have found me an easy place to “dump” their hurts and pains and sometimes the relationship has become unhealthy in that their only vision for our time together is for them to complain. I wonder if my expectation has been too high…but then, I read of the ladies you mentioned and sigh…yes, that is what I would love…to have a friend like that.
You didn’t mention the “rough times”…I wonder what those ladies would have said about the times they encountered misunderstanding or hurt…and how they dealt with it between themselves???
Yes…I would like to be, and have “a friend who loves at all times” and “sticks closer than a brother”…although ultimately I know Jesus is that for me…
Thank you for your thought-provoking article. I pray that each one of us who is longing for a “bosom friend”, would be lead by the LORD to find that friendship….Amen!