This week, I think we’ve all come to realize we’re not the only ones who find it hard to let people know how we’re really doing. As I shared this week in Chapter 2, sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted! Today, I want to introduce you to my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! And, she’s also leading A Confident Heart online study. Today she shares soemthing she wrote on her blog. I love how she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?” “I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain. … Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair. … A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful? “We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair. “I’m fine…” “We’re fine…” “Doing great…” In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope. … but we’re fine. Or are we? Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine. I’m not fine. If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human? We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him. We’ve got this. By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting. We’re fine. What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting? Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine? Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it? He knows we’re not fine. Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter? The truth is… We aren’t fine… We are forgiven. We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat. We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken. As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me again today that God’s grace is sufficient. Today I need HIS strength to be made perfect in my weakness. For the truth is… I am not fine. Well, yes I am….Frazzled, Irritated, feeling a little Neurotic and totally Exhausted. I’ll share more in the comments. But I don’t want you all worrying about me. Life is just hard sometimes at our house, just like it is at yours. I think it’s important that you know that. Just because I’m in ministry and have written a book doesn’t insulate me from trials. In fact, it almost guarantees them. BUT God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be. Today’s Assignment:
- Finish reading chapter 2 and answer end your of chapter questions.
Connect in Community:
- Please share answers to a few questions of your choice from the end of Chapter 2 in our comments today. Just click “Share Your Thoughts” below this post, and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title at the top of the post to go back to my website to connect and communicate with our group. This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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On Nov. 10th, 2009, I became a widow at the age of 57. It wasn’t until the last 2 months of my husband’s life that my mask began to come away from my face. On the morning he went to heaven, it was totally ripped off for the first time in my life. Four months later I had lost not only my husband but both parents. By this time not only was my mask off, but I was “flat on the floor on my face”.
That’s when I knew that I couldn’t do this grief journey alone and got help from a Christian psychologist who helped me take the lid off my Pandora’s box and begin to take out all of those things that I had hidden inside under the guise of “I’m fine”. I have found that it’s very freeing now to pretend anymore nor try to be perfect. It’s tremendously healing to let all of my pretensions go as I am trying to find a new identity.
Leslie, I just want you to know that I have just lifted you up to our Father. He will hold you and give you peace. You have come to the right place to ask for prayer! Can you even imagine the sound of 8500+ daughters of the King lifting their voices and hearts for one of our sisters? It must be one of the most beautiful sounds!
When I see someone and ask How are you? And they reply “very well thank you” I know they are.
But when they reply ” i’m fine” I ask ” talk to me, and if they want to I listen, if they choose not to
I pray for them. Most of the time I feel like we are so wrapped up in self that I have to remind myself
to stop and really listen and pray and with this hurting person.
Thank you Renee for this study and all of you who are willing to share and listen. I’m praying for all.
I have not been fine for four and a half years. My husband and mother both died on the same day. My mother in the morning and my husband in the afternoon. My husband was only 70 but I take comfort in the fact that both Mom and Bob had very strong faith and they knew when there work was done they would go home. After their death my oldest daughter’s drinking has gotten worse and she has tried to commit suicide twice I have no known where she is living or what she is doing for the last two months but yesterday I got a call from her that she was checking herself into an in patient therapy treatment center for 30 days and I pray this will be the beginning of her receovery.
I too feel that people really don’t want to hear you are not fine so I too pick one or two friends to share with that I know will understand. Many times I have cried out “Where are you God!” but I know deep down he is there and I just have to be still and listen because I know he is in control!
wow, i’m praying for you! <3
I’ll remember you & your daughter in my prayers Sandy.
I am not fine and hurting and breaking inside . I always say am fine and smile and try to get through the day. All I really want to do it cry but I wont. I just want to be loved and not feel alone anymore. I want a family for my boys again. Am the mom at the park holding her youngest son seeing all the happy couples and wanting that so bad. But am saying to him we will be fine I have you two and we will be fine. I want to take off my fine mask but am scared to will I be hurt again. Fear that I will be left alone again once the mask is gone. I have always felt that am not worth staying around for everyone always leaves. I dont know if I can take the fine mask off. I know I need to but am scared to..
Jamie
Jesus will hold your hand and be there for you.
Your’e perfect love has the power to cast out my fear…I didn’t realize just how much fear has held me
back. The Lord keeps showing me daily little fears i have and the grip they have on me.
I am going forward in his love and with him to overcome these. Thank you Jesus!
I just want to thank God so much for directing me to Renee’s website. I’m not sure how I even got there but when I saw the book I knew I had to have it and do this study. It had me written all over it. What I didn’t know was how many women stuggle with the same issues. I thought I was the only one who put on the mask. It feels so good knowing I’m not alone. These women who have posted so many stories have uplifted me, encouraged me, and given me hope. My head seemed to know what to do, but I had troubles letting go for far too long. I think I am finally on a path of healing. It’s time to surrender ALL! Renee I will definitely be lifting you up to the Lord this weekend while you are away. You have been such a blessing to me and so many others. Also praying for your family, and the women you will be ministering to. God Bless You for all you do!
“I’m fine” is my automatic answer when somebody asks how I am. Nine months ago my brother who has been my rock all my life passed away. He suffered terribly the last year of his life and I was his caretaker. I feel the loss today just as much as the day he died. My 39 year old son is in a downward spiral and all I can do is pray for him. My brother was the one I talked to because he had always been there for me. People don’t want to keep hearing about all of your troubles, so it’s easier to just say “I’m fine”. I don’t know how to open up to others without feeling like I’m whining. I pray that all of us who are hurting learn new tools from Renee’s study. Thank you, Renee, for this online study and thank all of you for your posts. We really are not alone and that’s a comfort in itself.
Hi Debbie….My heart hurts for you as you grieve the loss of your brother. Please try to find a good grief support group in your area. A really good one is the bible-based GriefShare program. Take a look at their website at http://www.griefshare.org. Hopefully you’ll find one in your area. May God bless you as you continue to seek Him.
Thank you, Greta, for the website. I have found some helpful things on there. I’m in a rural area, so there are no meetings close by.
I am praying for you too. I hope you will find a support group also that will help you. I know one that is called For the Love of Christi. However, I am not sure if it just for the Austin, TX area or not. Maybe if you contact them, they can give you some location near you. Hope this helps you. Blessings, Kimberly Stiver
It is always so amazing how God works. God had been dealing with me about this very subject after reading a book on Authentic Christianity. So I wrote a devotional to some ladies about putting off our masks and being authentic and real in our Christian lives. Here is an excerpt from that devotional:
” We, as women, wear many different “hats”…wife, mother, grandmother, daughter as well as pastor’s wives, missionaries, choir member, Sunday school teacher, etc. Unfortunately, sometimes we wear a “mask” along with the “hat”. The “hats” we wear define our many roles as women but it should never define who we are on the inside. Have you ever sang a solo, taught a class or spoke to a ladies’ group and knew that your heart wasn’t right with God at that moment? But many times, we go ahead and put on our “I’m ok” mask and complete the task. (I have to say I am sure I at some point have done that every thing.) Wearing our “masks” allows us to hide the hurt, anxiety, fear, etc so no one will know…we think…but God does. He sees inside…(I Sam. 16:7) Being authentic and real in our daily lives…starts in our homes. Our families should be the first to see us living real and authentic lives…without a mask!”
My desire is to live a true and authentic life and testimony before others. I want this…I really want my children and grandchildren to view me as real and not fake!!! The old adage “your life may be the only Bible that someone will ever read is so true!”
I am not fine. My husband is a teacher and will probably get RIFed for next school year. Our son has special needs, so working outside of the home is not an option for me. I am currently entrenched in a battle with the school to provide services to help my son with his disabilities. I could really use some prayers.
Pam, my prayers are with you and your family. It is hard going through battles all around you. I hope you do not feel isolted, but surrounded with love and hope. I wish I had the nack for giving friends just the right verse for the moment, but I will give it a try “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. Love, Valerie ([email protected])
Praying for you and your family and the battles surrounding you. Love you.
I’m earnestly praying for your family, Pam. I pray God will provide a way, make it very clear and surround you with His unfailing love. Love to you, sweet friend.
Hugs,
Melanie
I remember reading this, seems like forever ago. I loved it then and I love it even more now! Thank you Melanie for your beautiful words and heart for God and thank you Renee for sharing her post here! I know it will bless so many women!
<3 Heather
Thank you, Heather!!! I can’t tell you how much your comment means to me!
love and hugs,
Melanie 🙂
Rene are you a quilter?? I have been noticing the quilt blocks next to all the comments – what a nice touch!
Hi Sue, 🙂 No Im not a quilter. I wish I had that kind of patience!! But my mom is and it’s an amazing art isn’t it. The quilt blocks are part of WordPress, my website hosting program. There is also a way for us to get our photos there so we can see each other. I’ll look that up and share it next week.
I haven’t had a chance to read all of the comments here, I will this weekend for sure, but I can’t be the only one who has found over years that people don’t really want to know how I am. I don’t know if over the years I’ve shared too much info, or if my pain has been too raw for people to want to see. I’ve learned to be an “I’m fine” girl to all but a very few who really want to know. The best One to share the truth of my pain at being “still single” at 56, the hurt and disappointment of a fractured extended family that is scattered and not close, and all the many trials of a life lived alone has been Jesus. Learning that He wants to hear and heal all my pain at being different from the world has been the best medicine this side of heaven. I know for sure that this world is not my home and long with a deep and true longing for heaven. Come LORD Jesus!
Unfortunately, I think it is very common to be ‘real’ with people and feel rejected. It’s a good reminder to my heart to be the type of friend who *really* wants to know how things are…. No matter what anyone else says, it’s most important to remove the mask with God because he knows our mess anyway! 🙂 That’s one of my biggest struggles… I’m praying for you and was so touched by your honesty. Thank you for your comment!
Blessings,
Melanie
When our son told us that he was an atheist it caused me to distance myself from God, and to a degree from other people as well. In fact, I told God then how angry I was at Him for allowing it to happen. In just this short while of doing this study and committing to praying for our son’s soul every day I am realizing that what God really desires from me is for me to take this burden to Him…to tell Him how I feel and let Him know I am depending on Him. I need His assurance and presence most when I give in or am tempted to dwell on the negative outcome of the situation…our son going to hell.
The part about the Samaritan woman’s story in John 4 that speaks to me most is how Jesus looked at her…I can only imagine, full in the face, and that what she saw was not condemnation but PURE love! I grew up in a somewhat critical home and just to know that when He looks at me without condemning me just comforts me so much.
Dianna….I will pray pray pray for your son. We can pray him into the arms of Jesus. There is time! Jesus will always continue to draw those who have fallen away!!Love you.
Cheryl,
Thank you for praying with me about our son’s soul. Your words brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for caring.
Dianna, your comment is SO beautiful, and I am so thankful for you sharing your story. I am praying for your family, and especially for your son, that he will come to know Christ. Please don’t give up! Love and prayers to you, sweet friend!
Blessings,
Melanie
Thank you, Melanie, for the encouragement. Our son and his family are to be here with us the middle of next month…they live in Maine and we live in WV…for a week. I am so excited to have time to love on all of them, but especially our son that he might know that he is treasured by God…It is kind of ironical really…we had two children…both raised in the same Christian home with the same Christian values. One ended up on the mission field and the other an atheist. Grateful for God’s promises and that one day our son’s dark heart will be filled with the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I am praying for your son and you and your family. In Proverbs (I am not sure where) Teach a child the way he shall go and when he is old he will not part from it. Know that he will come back to God, just trust in God that he will. I pray this for my almost 20 year old son who has backed away from God. Please know that we are here for you and praying for you.
Thank you, Kimberly, for sharing the Scripture and the fact that you are also praying for your son the same verse. I will be praying in earnest for your son as well. Your encouragement means a great deal to me.
Thank you for praying for my son.
I just think back one of the truths God shows us, we are to help one another. After all we are our brothers (and sisters) keepers.
God is amazing! Really, He has brought all these woman together to look to each other on the journey to fully trusting Him. We are not alone! Everyone wears the “I’m fine” mask at one time. Having someone to hold us accountable keeps us in His grip. Life can get lonely and I thank Renee for giving so many woman a chance to realize that it’s okay. In chapter two, I highlighted “wherever you are, He wants to meet you there. He is waiting for you to stop, come up close, and turn your heart to His”. Walking away with knowing this keeps me confident. Ephesians 4:15 ‘Instead speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ’. That is my confidence verse, my sword. I pray for all you ladies and for Renee for bringing us together. Have a most blessed day.
Yes!!! I have been thinking the same thing! I am so thankful for all of these wonderful ladies, brought together by Renee’s powerful book. God is at work here!
Blessings,
Melanie
Chapter 2 really spoke to me especially the part about being FINE. My kids can tell when I am not being sincere when I say I am fine, they can read the sarcasm in it. I just need to work on not being afraid to let others in and let them know I am not fine. I need to let go of the fear of not being accepted for who I am dispite who I am (sinful, unable to keep it all together, having imperfect children, etc).
Renee, that you for writing this book. It is making a difference in my life!
Yikes… this is a good reminder to my heart. Our children KNOW the ‘real’ person behind the mask… I pray that person is transparent and an example of trust in God. Thank you for your comment!
Blessings,
Melanie
I feel like there is really no one I can share my real feelings with. If I share them with my mom, she always has reasons why these problems are a result of the choices my husband and I make about our lives…things like we have too many kids (we are soon expecting out 6th), my kids would behave differently if they were in school and exposed to peer pressure (we homeschool our kids), and just about everything else. Since this has been the way she has chosen to react, I stopped talking to my mom about anything other than surface issues for the past couple of years. I don’t really have anyone to go to about those things that get us down and frustrate us anymore. I have friends, but not really any close friends, and they are all busy, homeschooling moms like me. In terms of my husband, I don’t feel able to be honest with him because I feel like I have to keep it all together for him since he is dealing with his own issues with work and other things.
I am encouraged though to find someone I can share my feelings with and find a sense of relief in being given permission to really be honest about my feelings with God first. I think because of the way I feel I have to keep it inside and from those around me, I have felt as though I needed to keep it from Him, too. Perhaps also because I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the many great things in my life.
Thanks Renee for the encouragement to be honest before God, and even here, too.
Jennifer, Yes you do have a full plate but that is how God has your life for you. If He did not want you to have the life you have, you wouldn’t!! When each of us has a right relationship with God, He will bless us with His will. We must abide in Him all the time. He is our refuge, our hope. If we take care of our own relationship with Him, He will take care of the other relationships we have with our families. Follow His will for you and He tend to everyone else. I love how you are homeschooling your children. It sounds to me like your life is very exciting. Just looking for God’s miracles each day is exciting. Love you and keep up the good work!!
No matter what anyone else thinks, it is most important that we take off the mask before God. He knows what we are feeling anyway 🙂 Another comment said “God is not afraid of my mess”, and I LOVE that! If we can be honest before Him and strip off the mask, that’s really the most important thing… Praying for you, sweet friend!
Hugs,
Melanie
The lesson I will walk away with so I will love in the security of God’s approval and acceptance is “to be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.” Not fearing the outcome of letting down my walls of insecurities and being who I truly am all of the time, will only improve my relationship with God. I need to remember to do this daily and pray for His guidance.
So true, Shelley! I need to remember this too… Hugs, Melanie
Question 6 touched me most. Retreading John 4 showed me the part where Sam began to ask questions. Where should we worship? It made me think of all the questions I had as a new Christian and still have today. And Jesus answers her. Just as He will me as long as I ask. He will answer perfectly and in a way that will help me to fully understand Him more. How awesome is it to know that we serve a king that we can approach with any question? With anything at all really? How humbling and reassuring and just plain AWESOME. Too often I feel that my questions are insignificant or silly, but He is always there, listening, even hoping that we’ll come to Him and ask. He wants us to come to Him, boldly, with confidence in Him. All confidence in Him.
YES! Beautiful comment!
I loved this chapter! I struggle with hiding behind the “fine” mask. Thankfully, I have some really good friends who walked with me through some very difficult times. During those days of bitter grief and sorrow, they would sometimes stop me and say, “No, really how are you?”. I have learned to do the same with people whom I know are struggling in trials. It is easy to just throw out the “fine”.
#3 I often feel I am alone in my doubt and insecurity. I see others who seem so self-assured and together; bold, confident. People who have done no wrong.
One of my favorite parts of scripture in this chapter “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil 1:6)
I need to remember to be the kind of friend that says “No, really how are you?” You are blessed with some wonderful friends! 🙂
Blessings,
Melanie