This week, I think we’ve all come to realize we’re not the only ones who find it hard to let people know how we’re really doing. As I shared this week in Chapter 2, sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted! Today, I want to introduce you to my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! And, she’s also leading A Confident Heart online study. Today she shares soemthing she wrote on her blog. I love how she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?” “I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain. … Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair. … A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful? “We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair. “I’m fine…” “We’re fine…” “Doing great…” In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope. … but we’re fine. Or are we? Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine. I’m not fine. If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human? We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him. We’ve got this. By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting. We’re fine. What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting? Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine? Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it? He knows we’re not fine. Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter? The truth is… We aren’t fine… We are forgiven. We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat. We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken. As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me again today that God’s grace is sufficient. Today I need HIS strength to be made perfect in my weakness. For the truth is… I am not fine. Well, yes I am….Frazzled, Irritated, feeling a little Neurotic and totally Exhausted. I’ll share more in the comments. But I don’t want you all worrying about me. Life is just hard sometimes at our house, just like it is at yours. I think it’s important that you know that. Just because I’m in ministry and have written a book doesn’t insulate me from trials. In fact, it almost guarantees them. BUT God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be. Today’s Assignment:
- Finish reading chapter 2 and answer end your of chapter questions.
Connect in Community:
- Please share answers to a few questions of your choice from the end of Chapter 2 in our comments today. Just click “Share Your Thoughts” below this post, and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title at the top of the post to go back to my website to connect and communicate with our group. This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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Winners of Last Week’s Give-aways
- Song of Prayer CDs: Deena, Wendy Thrasher, Celia B (Please send your mailing address to [email protected])
- Listening to God gift-pack: peggybythesea (Please send your mailing address to [email protected])
I’ve been wearing the “I’m fine” mask for weeks now. I’ve been to 4 funerals in 3 months. And still one more memorial service in the works…and that one was a suicide. I’ve been hearing of so much death lately and it hurts so much. I don’t want to be the “downer”, so I’ve been playing the “I’m fine” card over and over. The good news is that God has been helping me heal by doing this study and by comforting me in my sorrow.
I am a little behind on the study but catching up. I guess I was meant to be because I read the verse in Hebrews 1:3 “The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word” at just the right moment. Last night my husband who grew up Mormon but who has since started abandoning most of those beliefs, was in a deep conversation with me about the trinity and Jesus’ role in heaven, etc. It wasn’t going that great because he can’t distinguish what came from the bible and what came from Mormon gospel. I looked up this verse in detail this morning and went further all into things that we had been discussing. I read him the verses and we had a much better conversation and it seemed to satisfy him. It amazes me over and over how the bible truly is the Living Word and it will give you the right words at the right moment as long as you are dwelling in it.
I think that I have gotten trapped in the I’m fine” answer b/c I compare my difficulties with those of others and always come up short. My problems seem sooo small compared to others. Sometimes I can’t figure out why I am not fine! I mean I am blessed. God has given me a beautiful family, a hard working husband, a roof, food, clothing…..And if I were grateful then I should be “fine”, right? Also, I figure when people ask “how are you?” they really just want the short answer: I’m fine. Thank you so much for sharing your insecurities and doubts with us. I have been so encouraged by knowing exactly how you feel because I have been there too and knowing that I am not the only one.
Taken from book Stepping Out of Denial into God’s Grace Participant’s Guide 1 Celebrate Recovery
HOPE:
H–HIGHER POWER- Our Higher Power has a name: JESUS CHRIST! Jesus desires a hands-on, day-to-day, moment-to-moment relationship with us. “Everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by His power.” (Romans 11:36)
Our Higher Power tells us, “My grace is enough for you: for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.” (2 Corinthians 12:9.)
O–OPENNESS TO CHANGE–Throughout our lives we will continue to encounter hurts and trials that we are powerless to change. With God’s help, we need to be open to allow those trials to change us. To make us better, not bitter.
“Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better. Yes, you must be a new and different person.” (Ephesians 4:23.)
P–POWER TO CHANGE– In the past, we have wanted to change and were unable to do so. We could not free ourselves from our hurts, hang-ups, or habits. We come to understand that God’s power can change us and our situation.
“For I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me the strength and the power.” (Philippians 4:13.)
“Lead me; teach me; for you are the God who gives me salvation. I have no hope except in you.” (Psalm 25:5.)
E–EXPECT TO CHANGE– Remember you are only at the second principle. (This class is a year long class and the past three weeks we have gone through two principles). Don’t quit before the miracle happens! With God’s help, the changes that you have longed for a just steps away. “I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in His grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns. (Philippians 1:6.)
How do we find hope? by faith in our Higher Power, Jesus Christ. “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1.) (pages 32-34 and page 17)
Principle 1: Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable..
“Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.” (Matthew 5:3.)
Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to help me recover.
“Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4.)
Several of these verses I came across not only on our online class, but also the class I take at church. Obviously God wanted me to hear these this past week. I felt that I needed to share these with you. My hope is you find comfort in these.
I realize that I posted this to Facebook, but not here. This past week was just amazing!
What lesson from this chapter will you walk away with and hold on to so that you can live in the security of God’s approval and acceptance? My answer is that God wants to meet me where I am at and that He loves me for who I am not for who I want to be! At the beginning of the chapter, Renee, you wrote “It is a rare soul indeed who has been sought after for who she is-not because of what she can do, or what others can gain from her, but simply for herself…” I want to just be myself to God, so I can have the most awesome, loving relationship with Him! I am loved by God for who I am now and He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY! THANK YOU GOD FOR SHOWING ME THIS THIS WEEK. I DO NOT NEED TO FEEL I NEED TO MEASURE UP ANYMORE! I WANT THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE CALLED FOR ALL OF US AND THAT IS TO LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS NOT JUST PART OF OUR HEARTS. PLEASE HELP ME TO CONTINUE TO LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART. I PRAY IN JESUS PRECIOUS NAME LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER KIMBERLY
I am trying to rely upon the Lord, through scripture and prayer. One thing that I have learned is that life is difficult for all of us. It often does not turn out as we expect. I have learned that I cannot rescue others, they must find God on their own and make life choices on their own. Every life choice has a consequence. This past year I tried to help rescue someone, and I soon realized that I could not cure them, I was not the cause of their life choices and that all of their life choices belonged to them. ( this person was 40 + years old and not a Christian). Sometimes we try to over – help or rescue our adult children, our relatives or our friends. We cannot do that. I can encourage them, speak to them , and sometimes confront them ( this can be very painful) but unless they try to establish their own relationship with God and develop their own faith – walk, they cannot rely upon me to resuce them, nor can they piggy-back upon my faith and try to gather energy from me. Only God and faith in Jesus can help them in their faith walk. If they are not willing or unable to reach out to God, then that is their life choice. I must respect their choices, and they must choose what they must choose. Their life choices belong to them. I cannot rescue them. I can pray for them, and talk to them, but often they will not listen anyway. So this frees me as a Christian, I am responsible for my own faith walk, and all other adults over the age of 18 years are responsible for their own faith walk. This does not mean that I need to be cold or distant to them, nor does it mean that I am not their to encourage them. It just means that the ultimate life choices that they make belong completely to them and not to me. This frees me to be responsible for my own faith walk and try to get close to God on a day by day basis. It also frees me to allow other adults to make their own choices and to realize that if their heart is hard or distant from God, or if they are making wrong choices, it is ultimately up to them to decide what they are going to do with their own life. Co-dependency ( relying upon others to meet all of our needs ) or having others be co-dependent upon us ( having them rely upon me to meet all of their needs ) just will not work. Instead, encourage others to seek God, and also encourage myself to pray and seek God. That way, it takes the weight off of my shoulders to expect that I have to rescue and meet all the needs of others. That is not my job.
I’m reading this book for the second time and I am still gaining so much from it. As far as the “I’m fine” idea….I wanted to share something I experienced awhile ago. I have been in a bible study/book club with 5 girls for many years. We started reading a book about how God doesn’t always show up the way you thought he would and how to deal with disappointments in life. One of the first questions we had was asking what part of our life was a “Plan B”…..something that hasn’t turned out the way we thought it would. And all of the girls just sat there and couldn’t think of anything that didn’t turn out right for their lives. I was kind of in shock and thought “Gosh, am I the only one who has had problems in life?” After reading all of your posts, it is so refreshing to hear that not everyone is “fine”! Thank you so much ladies for being so real and honest.
One more thing….could you pray for my daughter? She is 25 and struggling right now with having no one to share her life with. All of her friends are either married, having babies, or in serious relationships and I know it’s very hard on her. And help me to know how to help her….sometimes I get too overly involved in her life and worrying about her and trying to help and our relationship has been affected by this. Thanks so much!!!!
God’s blessings to all of you!
Elley
Elley, so many people are afraid to take off their masks for many different fears. I’m still struggling with that, but each time I reveal something it seems to open up their chance to reveal. Sometimes it works but other times not.
I will pray for your daughter. She is in a rough place in her life. Thank God she is still in yours.
Question 3
I have felt like this many times, that I was the only one of my friends who struggled with insecurity. I had gone through something, that thankfully for them, that only I had experienced. Which began a downward spiral of self worth throughout my teen years and into my mid twenties. I didn’t realize how much I had in common with one friend until my mothed died. Her mother had passed 2 years earlier, and we reconnected over the losses. Shortly after, we lost touch again as she lived in Louisiana, but to have that relatedness (though devastating for us both) for even a short while helped me to begin to see that I was not alone in everything. Notice I did not end with “I was not alone”, adding the “in everything” is significant. However, after that I did start to find that I was not alone in many things. Loved ones had experienced what I had and I didn’t even know until they were ready to talk about it. My best friend and I found that we both struggled with GAD, and currently she and I are both in therapy and on the same medication to help us cope with it all. God does put people in your life for a reason, and though I never doubted why she and I were friends-He has just shown me lately the real reason. She is a Christian too; as a matter of fact, she saw the light start to show through me, and she went to my adult Baptism and started to get a longing for what she saw in me. Now she is active in her church, on the worship team and does as many outreach efforts that her schedule allows. God is so good.
Question # 5
It seems that the times that I was most distant from God is when the hardest things happened to me. I say that beause had I not walked away from Him (I never stopped believing, I just didn’t follow), either those things would not have happened for He would have been there to guide me on the right path, or if they had still happened, I would have been able to deal with them better. I know that now, and I am blessed to know that, as I believe we all are. There were also times that I did not follow and yet He still answered my prayers. So, this just confirms that He does understand when we turn or when we walk away, and He is still right where we left Him when we realize the right place to turn was the one place we had turned away from.
few…these questions really took me to some deep parts within my heart. One question that I feel like I wrote a book on was #5 because I really grew away from God in my teenage years. I had a baby at 15 and became focused on my own life at that time….never once looking towards God for guidance. My parents were always rocky since my childhood, so I never really grew out of my childhood view of God and sought after him. When I think about how Jesus understands, its comforting and yet brings me to tears every time because He just waits with open arms for us to come running back, and yet we tend to sometimes run the other way but He still loves us no matter what choices we make. I need Jesus’ reassurance and presence daily in my life right now…almost hourly.
#7…The lesson that i am going to take away from this chapter and hold onto is, allow the peeling to be, well, just that, peeling paint in the world’s eyes. Because Jesus’ love is so perfect, I don’t have to be! I don’t have to wonder if I said the right thing or not. I don’t have to listen to the doubts that the enemy places on my heart….God’s grace is enough! As hard as it is to write it out, its even harder to place those words on my heart, but I am sure going to look in that direction this week!
A lot of times people are completely taken aback if you actually start telling them how you really feel, rather than just, “I’m fine.” I have friends that I can speak honestly with and that really saves me, because my husband is from the school that believes you keep your problems to yourself, and he sees it as complaining if I tell anyone anything other than, “We’re fine.” He was raised that way and I feel for him because he has no friends due to his complete inability to share with anyone. His parents are that way too and it sure has taken its toll on their entire family. Some see them as snooty, others as insecure . . . I just wish they could just be honest and open, at least with each other! I love my husband so much but without God and friends he is so darn lonely. I try to be a friend to him, and he says I am his best friend, but he just won’t open up about anything. He gets depressed and denies that, too. I’m just gonna keep praying circles over him!
I’m fine, that is a difficult one to get over. I say it too and many times I am not. I wonder do others look at the future and ask what will become of me? My kids? I’ve seen people live with unanswered prayers so what if it happens to me? Will I be able to walk this road knowing there are still things God is working out? Does any one else think that? On occasion I have asked the question out loud to other women or I’ve heard other share. The response has been, “That’s just not me. I just don’t think that way. There is nothing wrong with you thinking that, it’s just not me.” there is usually a nice crooked smile and the pat of the hand to go with the gesture. I want to say really? Praise God I’ve learned somethings over the past year. That may not be them however it is me? I do ask, seek and wonder. I say to God you know my heart and what I am about to say is not surprise to you Jesus. i want to be honest with you, open to trust you will not discard me because I have questions? Lord what is up with the unanswered prayers? What is up with feeling out of place, unsatisfied, distracted even in the midst of earnestly seeking you? I’m overwhelmed LORD, somedays. How much longer LORD until you make it all ok? I read something this week that said that our continual search for “ok” leads to frustration. Jesus told us we would have troubles and He has over one the world and given us peace. So should that not be enough? If God is my God, should that not be enough? That’s what is behind my mask. Now I will think long and hard about pressing the post comment button!!!!!!
Upon answering the quesion I was moved to tears, so I had to stop and blog. I never really realized how my past in affecting my view of God until recently. I am just so overwhelemed that just brings me to tears!!
first question!! I have just started the questions today!!
I am just now finishing up reading chapter 2 and doing the questions!! There is no reason why I am just finishing I made plenty of time this week!! It was just been one of those weeks I guess!! But I was doing question one and upon answering the quesion I was moved to tears, so I had to stop and blog. I never really realized how my past in affecting my view of God until recently. I am just so overwhelemed that just brings me to tears!!
Question #6 from Chapter 2, What part of my strory or Sam’s story can you relate to? I can relate to both. Sams rejection and relationship issues. I feel broken and refected since two husbands have choosen their addictions over saving a marriage. Page 33 Renee talks about feeling that “she wasn’t worth staying for”. I see my daughter falling into this pattern since her father left and does activities with our son but not with her. Her self-worth is headed downhill. She is 14 and I have gotten her interested in the church youth group but is there a book similar to this for teens?
I am loving this study and thankful for this time with the Lord!!
Am I fine;well in truth no I am not.I am transgendered with a female personality.I do not fit into the macho male role where one has to mask their feelings.I have been molested and abused and the pain is deep.Today;I am dealing with suicidal-depression and on medication.I enjoy being apart of Confident Heart it provides a safe place for me.
Ron, I’m so sorry. I will be praying for you.
Ron, i am so sorry for what you have been through. I know it breaks God’s heart that you were abused and molested and treated so badly. I wish I had words to say to bring hope and lead you to the healing your heart needs. I know there is much to work through and Jesus wants to meet you right where you are and walk you out of the darkness and into a place of hope and wholeness again in His love. I’m praying for you tonight.
I have been–not as normal as most. I have been quite open with my feelings for years. For some it has been a put-off and they don’t know what to do about it. I have been told to, “Get over it.” (by a pastor’s wife), To “suck it up” by a Christian sister, I have been at the receiving end of “being fixed,” and that I needed to repent…among other things. I have found that many people are uncomfortable with openness. They don’t want to hear that someone else is hurting…perhaps that is because they don’t want to deal with their own hurt? (And all this was with my Christian brothers and sisters.) I continue to share, but look for people that I know are not so “religious” but truly care. I have found that when I shared my struggles with the hurting, they truly see that our Christian walk is a journey with ups and downs but God can get us through. You are right, people who are in pain (and not religious/mask wearers) are drawn to those of us who are solid enough to be real. What’s the mask for anyway…1)We’re all sinful. 2)God knows everything. 3)*We are saved by His grace and mercy…4)We are called to be a bridge not a wall…
I would also like to share some thoughts about question # 4 from chapter 2.
Page 28 spoke to me because it emphasizes how important it is to be in relationship with God over trying to do more to find our confidence or solve our problems. God also invites us to ask him why we want what we need. He wants us to go further by asking if what we want is really what we need. It is so easy to focus on what we see in front of us, but God longs for us to see things from his perspective.
Page 30 talks about how we go through the motions, doing the same things over and over again, hoping something will change. I liked the statement that “this repetition is the definition of insanity.” How true! I do not want to look back on my life and wish I had done things differently. I want to continue growing in my relationship with Jesus, and experience his healing, so that I can embrace all that He has planned for me!
I have been struggling with a decision for over a year to leave one of my two part-time jobs. I had felt the pull strongly a few times, but I maintained that I needed to “press on”. My husband has been through two lay-offs in the past three years. I finally made the decision this week to resign as I felt God say not to “lean on my own understanding”. Needless to say, I am not “fine” in the sense that I am at his mercy for my family’s future! I am completely dependent on him to provide for our needs especially since my husband is not back to work yet. Whatever happens, I am willing to face it knowing that God will carry us through. I am slowly realizing that I am never trapped in any situation, God is faithful as I seek to make good decisions and be obedient to Him. Even if I make a mistake, he will still turn it around for good. It is still scary facing this, I am battling fear that I am being foolish, even as I seek to walk in faith. I am so thankful for this study as it is helping me to focus on God’s truth.
I’m NOT fine! I am so thankful to have a place where I can say this. I haven’t been fine for more than 10 years. This was when I was first diagnosed with depression. Since then it has been a battle. A battle to get the proper help I need. A battle to help my family understand this illness. A battle to obtain and maintain gainful employment. A battle to develop healthy relationships and avoid isolating myself. A battle to get out of bed some mornings or even care if I do. A battle to feel worthy of anything. A battle to take care of myself let alone anyone else. A battle to understand why God has allowed this to go on for so long. I’m so tired…I’m not fine.
I’ve become someone I don’t recognize, someone I don’t know anymore. And I want to blame someone. My controlling, hard-to-please mother, my self-involved, distant father, my emotionally abusive ex-husband, the boy from the 7th grade, anyone. How can this be my fault? Didn’t God forgive me of my sins when I became a Christian? What does He want from me? When will I get better? Will I ever get better? How can I encourage others to follow Jesus when they see what my life is like? So many questions…I’m not fine.
At least here I don’t have to paste on a smile and pretend that I am.
Lori, I will be praying for you.
So I had my remove the mask experience today…
My 5 year old is struggling with honesty, I am sure this is common at this age, however; it burdens me deeply! We had our discipline, she came to me said she was sorry, all I could do was tear up! She looked at me in wonder, obviously not understaning. I thought to myself, how do I explain to her my inner most struggles? As I tried to help her understand that her Mommy suffers from a constant battle to always be honest, as my first instinct is to deny or hide. I don’t think she understood my explaination that the sins of the parents are visited on the children. She does’nt understand at all that I am burdened she get control of this as a child, to not struggle with this in as an adult. I do think she understood the tears, the close hug, and the tender, sad explaniation of pure honesty; Mommy has a hard time telling the truth and facing the consequences at time.
This my moment of removing the mask in front of the one I want so much to be perfect for, while my son and my husband observe from the other side of the couch; though painful, and very difficult, I do believe God can use it for him. I am willing to remove this fake perfect mask, and be who I am it will make the difference for my beatiful little girl!
Hi Ladies,
This is the first time I have ever posted on one of these comments sections (other than a reply comment a few min ago). Anyway I am hoping that out of the 8500+ women doing this study someone can relate to what I am going to share…
I rec’d a call last night to let me low my father had passed away. We have had no relationship except a hostile one for the last 24 or so years ( since I was 16 at least ). So I have 2 y/o twin girls that I did take to meet him when they were about 7 months old. Since they were born I have been really struggling with this thing called forgiveness and trying to figure out how to model it for them yet maintain a safe distance in this non-relationship. The last couple of weeks I have been hearing sermons on forgiveness or just people talking about it. This past Sunday at church we were supposed to pick someone to write on a card to give forgiveness to and for what…as I thought about my father I realized that yes while I still remembered the hurts and knew he’d never see them or apologize (or even admit it) that I had released the anger and bitterness I have carried for so long. Fast forward to Friday… it hit me during my shower that for my girls and for myself I needed to get in contact with him and let him know this. Skip ahead approx 4-6 hours and I get the news that he passed away suddenly. Now I am left with this unresolved issue and to wander if I had offered forgiveness sooner would it have impacted his eternity. I doubt it but now I’ll never know.
So all of his to say I’M FINE….or so everyone who knows me thinks. Even my mom and husband think I am pretty unaffected by this. The I’m fine mask is one I know I have worn since I was five years old. I think it will have to be surgically removed…I just hope the Lord has strong anesthesia for the surgery required here.
Thank you for letting me share here as I have no one else to share my real self with.
I read this chapter shortly after I had a terrible morning at church. It was one of those mornings. I had volunteered for the kitchen service and things kept going wrong and I felt stupid. And I was missing my husband (who is deployed) and was angry at him, terribly angry at him. I was tired of being alone and lonely, especially at church, where all of the families sit together and are close and I am usually by myself. I was *this close* to tears. The pastor felt called to ask people in need of prayer to go to the front, and I did. There were several of us up there, and while the pastor was praying I started to cry. It continued after I returned to my seat–my nose was running and I did not have kleenex–and then I was sobbing shoulder-shaking sobs. It was obvious that I was NOT fine.
And nobody handed me a kleenex. No one asked if I was okay. No one patted my back. I felt so unloved that my church family would be so callous. And I felt selfish for wanting someone to notice and care.
So what I have been thinking about is how we don’t want to “burden” people when we are not fine, but how people often don’t seem to want to be burdened by us. It probably wasn’t heartlessness that kept people from caring, but from a sense of interference. It’s a hard line to walk, but that day I really needed someone to recognize that I was not fine and to really care about it.
Like many people who have posted, I am not usually fine. I have struggled with depression for years and I am diabetic, and the two of those have come to a head during this deployment. I went through a really dark season in October where the pain was so raw that suicide was on my mind even though I did not want it to be. That is not fine. But people can’t know if I don’t say–or if they don’t care. That’s why reading these posts has been so reassuring, and why “Sam’s story” came as a blessing as I read it on the treadmill with tears streaming down my cheek. So in response to question 7, I know that God knows I am not fine and that I am not a burden to him when I talk/yell/cry to and at him. And I know that He has me where he wants me and will work all things to my good…even though I wish the good could come without the bad!
I am so sorry Nicole. I am so very sorry you stood there alone crying. That is not how it’s supposed to be, especially in the Body of Christ. I am so glad you share with us and were real here and if we could, we’d hand you a whole box of kleenex and we’d stand there with you while you cried. I am so sorry you are alone and feeling lonely and tired of being without your husband. I can’t imagine how hard that its. Please know we value you and we’re glad you are here as part of our Confident heart sisterhood. You matter to us!!
I wanted to share my answer to the last question at the end of chapter 2–The lesson that I walked away with from this chapter was that God doesn’t want me to hide behind my past failures, He wants me to break free and blossom! I have been working on that for awhile now and I am so excited about this study and how much it is going to help me. Thanks Renee!
Yes!!! Love this!
Melanie,
I am glad you said that you almost deleted the post because of what people might think! That is why I rarely write on these posts or even post things on FB…what if people don’t respond, what if they think my response is dumb, etc. etc. I need this study so bad! A need for validation and a fear of rejection can be paralyzing (at least to me)…
You are all amazing women who have so willingly allowed people into your lives through these comments! Thanks for being so transparent! It inspires me!
I’m with you, sweet friend! It gets us all 😉 so don’t feel bad! I’m amazed though that when we say YES to God’s prompting how much He can use our feeble attempts! 🙂
I just loved chapter 2. Had to re-read it again and am so glad I did. I struggle so much with perfectionism and always feel like I fall short of God’s mark and blow it. I have to rest in His perfect love and just enjoy knowing my God in a deep personal way.
Me too!! I never realized how much my perfectionism was preventing me from fully appreciating His love for me!
Hugs,
Melanie
Dawn, I didn’t realize how many women struggle with perfection. I wonder why we do? I’ve linked mine back to my childhood – didnt matter how many A’s there were, the B’s were questioned & the A’s werent praised…sports – I remember my brothers having to practice for hours with my dad, and he would get so angry! Then, years of mind games, manipulation, verbal and physcial abuse…no wonder my image of God was skewed. Every day I mess up, I used to feel like He was mad at me for not getting it right, and I still struggle with this some days, even this week!! I am learning to realize that He isn’t like them! The more time I spend with Him, the more He shows me about myself that I didnt even know. And, when there is something I am struggling with, He points me sometimes ahead of time, and sometimes after to just what I need to read or hear to encourage me.
“I’m fine” were my most used words for so long. Your words rang so true as you talked about thinking you could have value if you did all the right things. I felt I was of no worth unless I acted with a smile in all I gave or did for others even when it cost me so much of the real person I was on the inside behind my mask. By some people I was told I was too quiet or too serious so I wore one mask with them and with others I may have worn another. I tended to hide any signs of the way I really felt. I felt if the real me was really seen then someone would surely leave me or even worse not like me and let me know that every time I saw them. I felt God was a judge and hated me because how could He love me if He really did know me like people said He did. I had done so many things and had so many things done to me. How could God love something so ugly and so disgusting? No one else could possibly know how I was feeling so I surely couldn’t let them know. When I began to learn who God really was and how He had not just loved me but that He had pursued me even in those darkest moments, it was hard for me to grasp at first. It was VERY uncomfortable and had to be a lie to me. When I read the story of the samaritan woman, I cried to think that He knew what she had done and was doing and He was still wiling to love her. The more I read His word, the more I learned He was with me the whole time anyway. To know He knew my deepest feelings and fears was amazing to me. To know I could stop trying to be someone I wasn’t and still be loved was so freeing! Here’s a little poem showing how I dealt with that pain in the past:
“Jack in the Box”
Glimmering smile, love, arms outstretched
They wind the crank always expecting the same to be produced
What they do not know as they pass the box around, picking it up when they need some unforeseen happiness, is that inside the box is a simple little toy, bent and crushed by pain given by others and taken in only to never show again.
But as the box is thrown from here to there never knowing who may use it next, it begins to get older and less likely to come out.
For the outside world will never see the inside pain.
They cannot feel it. They will not know it.
I am SO HAPPY to no longer have to hide and live with that pain and fear alone.
Oh, sweet friend. I just wish I could hug you. You have described exactly how I have felt for SO long. I am praying that God will work in our hearts and help us to know how wide, hide, rich, vast His LOVE is for us.
love and prayers,
Melanie
IN RESPONSE TO A FEW QUESTONS:
#3 the Bible says that we are not alone: “Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering” ( 1 Peter 5:9b NLT).
#5 Jesus does understand: “This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do,…(Hebrews 4:15 NLT). Also read Romans 8:31-39.
#6 Perfect love: “….perfect love expels all fear….” (1 John 4:18a NLT).
“Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you away from your sin?” (Romans 2:4 NLT).
“……keeps no recard of being wronged” (1 Corinthians 13:5 NLT).
These are just a few scriptures that the holy Spirit fed to me as I was responding to these questions.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is also one of my favorites, so I am going to share this in its entiety
“4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud. 5or rude. It does nor demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does nor rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 8….love will last forever!” (1 Corinthiands 4:4-8b).
If you notice that the first two are patient and kind that is because they are God’s greatest attributes and He holds them above thr rest. If youe were to change the word love to God you will learn who God is and His character.
God’s love be on all of you and may He be with you through out this book and open up the eyes of your hearts (Eph 1:18) so that you all may see and understand what He wishes for you to see and understand. For only He knows your heart (Psalm 139). And the plans He has for you (Je 29:11-12). May GOD bless each one of you. AMEN
Thank you for your comment!!! You make such great point and I LOVE how you tie His promises from scripture together! If you don’t already lead a Bible study, you should!!! 🙂
Thank you so much for your encouraging thought and words Melanie. I love your heart. Reading your reply made my night thanks again. God Bless
i just got the book today; A CONFIDENT HEART, was so glad to get it. my sister got it for me and it is such a good book,its one you cant put down, i read chapter 1 already and am on chapter 2 and almost done there. have a little more reading to do yet. will do that later on tonight.
judy hoff.
You will love it, Judy!!! 🙂 Praying it will encourage your heart!
I just got through reading the chapter and answering the questions. From the taking off the mask piece that was published above to the self reflection of this chapter, I came to realize that I don’t always have to hold it all together at all times and give off the impression of I’m fine. I’m so used to always being in control that when I get tired of holding it in, i just explode. I think God is trying to teach me in this season, that I don’t have to try to pretend like I have it all together at all times. Its okay to have a crappy day and want to just run away and hide and be by yourself. But he just wants you to run to him completely. I think God has taken away some people in my life, like Renee mentioned above because I was using them as a crutch instead of running to him first. I was getting too comfortable with them to supply my needs. God wants me to run to him instead to supply my needs, be there for me, and simply listen. He wants me to rely on him more than ever before and be real with him in our one on one time. In reflecting on this chapter and these questions, I also realized that growing up in a Christian home and always going to church (as I was a deacon’s daughter) my image of God was one of power, wrath and correction whenever I messed up, as he was to be feared always. Now as I grow in my connection with him, and from reading John 4, I realize that the image I had was not the true image of my God as he is loving and shows me unconditional love and grace even when I am not deserving. All he truly wants is for us to lean and depend on him more than ever before for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING we should be feeling and even express our thoughts to him when it may not be in agreement and understanding of what he is doing in our lives.
Gabrielle, you just described my entire childhood outlook on God — even including the deacon’s daughter part!! -“I also realized that growing up in a Christian home and always going to church (as I was a deacon’s daughter) my image of God was one of power, wrath and correction whenever I messed up, as he was to be feared always” I am SO thankful of this time of realizing His great love for me! Praise the Lord!
I do believe when we let our guards down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable for one other that is where growth and healing take place. I struggle here and my prayer is that I can be the lady God created me, flaws and all be used for His glory. KNOWN…wow, God’s promise this week “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…I can’t begin to wrap my tiny mind around that understanding the depth of my Lord’s love for (me) us!
Sharon I agree totally, I struggled with pride and letting my guard down to other people and Christians because of being hurt so many times before But I realize now that in order to grow that I have to be open and vulnerable. But even in that stance I am strong because God is there for me and loves me.
Amen!!!
AMEN!!
Question 6 – reread Sam’s story in John 4… I was struck by how the woman left behind her water jar when she went into town to tell others about Jesus.
Oh, I’ve never noticed that! Great point!
When I looked at my answers to Chapter 2 I was shocked. Never before had I realized those would be my thoughts. This is an eye opener for me. I am “Sam” in so many ways.
Me too!!! I don’t think I’ve ever taken the time to be this honest with myself….
I just finished the questions, got behind, The answer I put to number 7 was to embrace my imperfections in the light of His perfect love “being confident that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6
Because His love is perfect, I don’t have to be. Praying for all my cyber sisters here! Blessings to Renee and everyone!
My favorite quote!! “Because His love is perfect, I don’t have to be” 🙂 Love that.
I too have worn the “mask” saying I am fine when my life was anything but fine. But I have learned to be real to God. I have felt able to really let him know how I really feel. I have cried out with confessions and heartache and felt his awesome love and assurance at some really low points of my life. I identify with “Sam” because I have gone through a difficult marriage which ended in a difficult divorce and still face trials linked to my marriage. However, I am also blessed with two little girls who I have to take care of to bring them up in God’s love and I have to grow in my relationship so I can help them deal with the trials they are already facing. The Word is all I need and will be and is sufficient for whatever I face (page 43).
What a beautiful testimony! Praying for you, Denise!
All week I have paid attention to how many times, I ask “How are you?” and how many times it is asked of me. Wow! It is amazing how this little phrase has become such a part of our culture, but do we really want an honest answer? I had to ask myself, “Are you looking that person in the eye and gauging if they are really hurting or are you rushing by to get to your next thing”? I have committed to look past the social graces and try to see into the other person’s heart.
SUCH a great point. I need to keep this in mind. I can’t imagine Jesus walking by and not making eye contact when He asked “How are you?”…. to love them like Jesus is my prayer…
Blessings,
Melanie
Knowing that God wants a transparent relationship with His children, one that allows us the opportunity to share or desires, disappointments, and dreams is very comforting. Being bold and sharing with God allows us the opportunity to grow. It allows God to shine a light on those dark places in our hearts that we try to ignore because we are “fine” and we really do want to be fine but until we face the not so fine moments and get real with God, He cannot begin to do the true work that he desires for us…our God is comforting because he will continue to do His work in us because he has begun a good work and will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus Philippians 1:6
Beautiful!!! YES!
on page 40, Renee says that Jesus wants to help us to see whats going on in our hearts. That He wants to show me what is eroding my confidence. WOW! I love that I am going through a season of healing and this is so encouraging to hear that He cares that much that He wants me to know what is hindering me! He cares deeply about all that concerns me. I need to go deeper and not just deal with the surface. Knowing that Jesus WANTS to sit and talk about the deep things helps me to face the fear of opening the wounds!
I love this!!! It’s something that honestly took me a very long time to grasp! I just couldn’t imagine that He really wanted me to “bother” Him with my problems, but He longs for us to pour out our hearts to Him! 🙂
Love and prayers,
Melanie
I am willing to finally take off my mask of presenting myself as being “all together”. I tried to read this book when it first came out and ended up tossing it across the room. I felt that Renee had take my life and written it for all the world to see. I never realized how ashamed I was of my past. I have lead several support groups at church, but would never own up to my past. I am so thankful that Renee is leading this study and for all of the women who are learning to become transparent. Love and prayers are going your way.
I KNOW!!! I felt the SAME way! In fact, I told Renee, I felt like she had been reading my private journals!! 🙂 God knows our hearts, and He has a special message of love, acceptance, and strength for us all. Please stay with the book — God wants you to hear His message! Love to you!
Thanks Melanie. I am in a different place now in my thinking and am really embracing the truths this time around. I love how Renee is making “Sam” become a real woman and not just a “Bible Character”.
wow! Such real answers and what freedom to say, no I am not fine.
Thanks for being honest and giving me the freedom to say I am not fine. I need God. I need to know that He is aware of my pain and its ok. The burden is way to heavy for me!
So very true, sweet friend! Thank you for your comment!
Every day I try to convince myself that I am fine. I’m currently getting divorced from my husband that is currently incarcerated and has been there for 4 years. I got married to him on October of 2007 and he got incarcerated in February of 2008. I was 22 years old when I got married and I did it for all the wrong reasons. I got pregnant at 20 and had my daughter at 21. I didn’t want my daughter to grow up without a family so I thought getting married would be the best thing to do. It’s been hard being a single mom and I have been trying to fill that emptiness with other men. I want to start a new life with God in my life. I pray to him to forgive me of all my sins and to take me back as his daughter. I ask that you pray for me to continue believing in him and to guide me in the right direction.
Ana, I am so sorry. I am praying for you for wisdom, peace, and strength for all that you face. Just remember that God loves you like crazy! No matter what has happened in the past, He loves you with an everlasting, unfailing love!
Blessings,
Melanie
My favorite thing from Chapter 2 is “God’s love is perfect so I don’t have to be. That is so freeing to me. I am not fine, I know God is doing a new thing and I’m afraid, will I have to leave what I know is comfortable. I am learning everyday to Trust Him more and that His grace is sufficient. I just wish there was someone I could trust to help process all the new I am learning. I have tried to share with some of my church and they just stare at me because they are off in a different direction???? I hate to admit it but this is the second time I am doing Confident Heart, there was just so much He was showing me that I wanted to do it again. I truly desire to be all that He wants me to be. Thanks Renee for this wonderful study and all my Confident Heart Sisters that shows we are all in this together.
I love that quote too! And I’m also going through the study for the second time — I think there is SO much wisdom to gleam from it, I’m so excited to study it again!
I always thought it was wrong to not appear like a pillar of faith and that no matter how bad things were to say “I’m fine” was somehow proclaiming faith. But I am beginning to understand how that attitude is wrong because if things are “fine” then do I really need the Lord? Of course I do so by acknowledging things are not fine, I acknowledge I need the only one Who is Perfect. My confidence should be in Christ, not me; to acknowledge my problems, is to acknowledge I NEED the one and only true God.
Exactly!!! It’s almost like we tell God, we’re in control, and will let Him know if/when we need Him…. I LOVE what you said. Beautiful.
Blessings,
Melanie