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Renee Swope

Encouraging and equipping moms to parent with God's grace and confidence.

Confessions of An Empty Heart

Today I want you to meet my brave and beautiful friend Lelia Chealey  who shares her story of emptiness and how God redeemed  her brokenness.

Italicized sentences are from Chapter 3 of A Confident Heart

Until our hearts find complete security and significance in God’s unconditional love, we will constantly turn to other lovers and never be satisfied.

Although I stood before family and friends professing my love and faithfulness to my husband, three years later I found myself trying to fill my emptiness in the arms of another man.

When the closed door of a previous relationship opened I ran through it. On Wednesday I was serving on our church’s youth team and by Saturday I was in between the sheets of a bed in a cheap hotel. The result of my affair led to a pregnancy I knew was from the other man since my husband had undergone a vasectomy.

Driving out of an abortion clinic and heading home to my unsuspecting husband, I wondered how I’d gotten to this place. Here I was a Christian wife and mom who had compromised my beliefs in more ways than one. Looking to fill my void with anything but Jesus, I walked further and further away from the One I needed most.

By being honest about her life and the lies she believed, she could start turning toward the Truth. She could bring the thirst of her heart to Him. Only then would she find confidence in the power of His love and start living in the security of His promises.

I ended my affair soon after the reality of my abortion set in. It shook my Jesus-loving heart to the core. One morning, after everyone was out of the house, I turned on some worship music, got down on my knees and began to sob.  Raising my hands toward heaven, I told God, “If I lose everything – my marriage, my kids, my friends, my reputation, but I still have YOU, I’ll be okay.”

Admitting all the lies I had told and believed, I got gut-honest with God that day. And in that place of truth, I was set free and could then turn toward Jesus and away from my life of sin. Like Renee wrote, I could bring the thirst of my heart to Him. That’s what I did — I brought my parched soul to the only One capable of filling me and changing my mess of a life.

Three years later, I felt God leading me to tell my husband about my affair and abortion. We’d attended two marriage conferences during the in-between years and  I couldn’t keep my secret any longer. Deep pain was evident on his face and in his tears. My heart broke once again over my affair as I listened to my husband process my choices.

Still in shock, he told me that while I was having my affair he too had been involved in one.  I sat there stunned, silent and ticked off at God. How had He not prepared me for this moment of my husband’s truth? I felt instant emptiness, but this time I made the choice to bow my heart before Jesus and ask Him to help me.

Jesus came to give us more than salvation. He wants us to experience complete satisfaction in Him.

These words from chapter 3 resonate deeply with my soul. Although, I had attended Christian school from kindergarten though graduation in 1988; went to church on Sundays and returned on Wednesdays and knew countless Bible stories by heart, what I lacked was a relationship with my King.

Sitting there with my husband trying to process his unfaithfulness, God let me know He is the only One that could take my empty, broken heart and fill it with His unconditional love and confidence that I had sought in all the wrong places.

I love what Renee asked us this week, and how she encouraged us to write our own “when-then” statements:

So what do we do when our hearts start tossing and turning with emptiness and uncertainty? We need to stop and ask Jesus to help us see the worth we are placing in other things and the worth we are seeking in other people and shift our reliance to Him instead.

{Here are mine}

When I start to feel like my marriage is not giving me what I deserve then I will turn to God and ask Him to be my portion.

When I feel tempted to return to a life of emptiness and rely on my old patterns of comfort and fulfillment then I will praise God for what He has brought me from and remind myself that I am worthy of the sacrifice of the cross.

Lasting security comes when we bring the empty well of our hearts to Jesus and ask Him to fill and fulfill us with the security of His unfailing love.

It’s been nine years since the day of my and my husband’s confessions. Our marriage is far from perfect, but with God’s help we have walked through the process of forgiveness and restoration. My husband and I serve at a marriage conference every spring and God has used our mistakes to help other couples realize He is much bigger than any circumstance we face. He has also taken the shame and regret of my abortion and used it for His glory by calling me to be part of an abortion ministry, “Surrendering the Secret,” where I now serve as a leader.

I have no idea what your story it, but please believe this woman who almost lost everything for nothing. Jesus is worth seeking and giving Him a chance to fill up all the empty places of your life. If He can look at an unfaithful wife and compromising mom in Nebraska and see beauty instead of ugly then anyone is within reach of being embraced by His amazing grace.

You need to know that God wants you. There is no sin too heavy to stay nailed to the beams of the cross. You are the reason He trekked His way to Calvary and you are worth every step He took!

***
Thank you Lelia, for the courage and risk it takes tell your story – so raw, so real yet so full of His redemption. I see and love Jesus in you!

Your Turn: Will you take a minute to thank Lelia, and let us both know what has risen to the surface of your heart as you read her story or  Chapter 3 this week?  Just click  “share your thoughts”  below this post and do just that. Even sharing some of the answers to our end of chapter questions is great too. This is the place that truly connects us and makes our Confident Heart “community” so special. {Love you guys so much!} And if you are reading this via email, click here to visit my website and connect in community.

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Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing you story. My story was a lot like yours in that my late husband and I both cheated with many, mnay people, it was such a ugly life. I attempted sucide several times planned on leaving my husband, it just never worked….Thankfully my husband and I had already asked each other for forgiveness, right before he was diagnosed with lung cancer in July of 2004, I had 13 months with him after he was diagnoed, he passed away in Aug. 2005…It has been really hard for to forgive myself for all the things I did, I still struggle with forgiving me. I am better at it now than I was and want to continue to trust God to me leave that in my past, and feel Gods love…..Thank you to all you wonderful ladies that have shared your stories…..Lisa

  2. Thank you for being so open and sharing your story with us Lelia. To be open with your husband and then to us and others about your affair and abortion and your blessed marriage now takes strength which I see as coming from God and the Holy Spirit. All women are open to these attacks from satan and we always need to keep our guard up at all times, men and women can fall at any time so your sharing of how God helped you handle the situation took courage to share I am sure, and your sharing will bless others.

    I heard years ago this saying from someone in a bible study class, she said “Go to the Throne instead of the phone”, and it has stuck with me since. If we take the time to put our God first and go to HIm for our guidance with anything, He is faithful to us and never changing, we can always count on Him, He is what He says He is in HIs Word, and that never changes, we can always count on Him. Because He is our help we can sing in the shadows of HIs wings , HIs right hand upholds us.

  3. The place where I try to find my worth is in the area of control. God is helping me to realize that I try too hard to control me in a negative way. I can be quite obsessive about how clean my house should be, how my bed should be made, how my clothes are folded, how my clothes are hung in the closet, and even how I tie my shoes. It takes me way out of my comfort zone for me to make a mistake when I hand write anything and oh my, the tension I feel if I make a mistake when I am posting something on Facebook or Twitter. Satan whispers in my ear that people will think that I am a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad person just because I made the mistake. Which brings up something that is intertwined with my control issues and that is how other people see me.

    Leila, if you had the courage to admit to what you had done, not just to God (which frankly I can find easy since He already knows it anyway), but also to others (including strangers like me) who can be loving and supportive, who will not think you a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad person, then it gives me hope that through Christ, I can also conquer my control demon. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your honesty. God’s continued blessings upon you.

  4. Thanks for sharing your story. Isnt it neat when you know that God is in control of your marriage. My story with my marriage. WE got married when we were 18 and have now been married for 27 and 1/2 years. We have done 14 yrs in the Navy and believe me that was alot of lonely days and nights. But we stayed faithful to each other. We have 3 kids, which of course are grown now. But it has been in the last few years that our marriage has gone through some very hard trials. In a matter of 2 yrs my mother, and my granny passed away plus i had to have a hysterectomy and I fell into a very deep depression that I could not get out of. My husband tried his hardest to be what I needed him to be but I wanted nothing to do with him or anyone. Then he went through a period of time that depression came on him. We went through some uncertainties in our marriage that we did not think that we would be able to over come. Divorce was coming out of our mouths but it was not in our hearts. WE knew that we loved each other more than we wanted to be away from each other. We had gone through counseling.So even when you have been married for 27 years satan does not care. He just wants to destroy what God put together. We have been reading a devotion together every morning that is part of the fireproof collection.
    God is bigger than our situations we just have to allow him to take them and the determination to overcome them.

  5. Thank you Lelia for sharing your story. I think many women have feelings of dissatisfaction and frustration with their marriages. I know I have, and it would be easy to seek out someone else at times as an escape.
    I know what you went through couldn’t have been easy and you are brave to pour out your heart to us. The part of chapter 3 that shouts out to me is; “So what do we do when our hearts start tossing and turning with emptiness and uncertainty? We need to stop and ask Jesus to help us see the worth we are placing in other things and the worth we are seeking in other people and shift our reliance to Him instead.” Just this week I was terribly hurt and disappointed by a friend. I was looking to my friend and our relationship to fill a void, a need, an empty place in my heart and that friend let me down. I have been in tears off and on since Wednesday. I need to remind myself to shift my reliance to God to fill my voids. Friends come and go and they let you down, but God is our faithful and constant friend. I must remember that at all times!!

  6. Lelia, I give thanks to the Lord for your courage to truthful share your testimony. Emptiness is a part of my life along with mistakes. Your story gives me and every woman a light of hope that when we drop to our knees, completely confess and share with our Lord, that His love is unfailing. No matter what I face each day in life, I know that I am not alone. This study has opened my eyes to see that even things that happened years ago can still have a hold on me now. With each chapter and the questions I find that I am not only becoming closer to Jesus but also with being honest with myself. I continue to pray for each of our sister in
    Christ that this study makes an impact on their life and their relationship with Christ just as it is in my life according to what Christ wants me to learn and understand. I too have attended a marriage conference and I do believe that praying and reading the bible together as husband and wife if glorify the Lord, if you have a chance to attend a conference, please do. Our love for Christ has brought us together and keep us together during several devastating trials so no matter we both endure as husband and wife, I know we can survive with Jesus by our side. For He is the truth, the way to my salvation and to our marriage. God Bless with Love

  7. Lelia,
    I was part of the conference call for the An Untroubled Heart study. I loved hearing your story then and thank you for being willing to share such an awesome testimony with us. I am so proud to have sisters in Christ that remind me we all have shortcomings (oh, mine are long and detailed) and until recently, I wore those as guilt that kept me feeling never quite good enough. Ours is a God who is not only loving, but restorative, and it is so uplifting to others to hear such a testament of his power. My husband and I have attended the Weekend to Remember, and will actually be attending in October. I am hoping this year my husband will be a little more interactive (his answer was, we have a good marriage, to we really need all of this) yet, he is always ready to go and looks forward to the weekend! Again, thanks for sharing, I for one was just blown away!

    • Gina~Thank you so much! I’m glad you were part of the conference call with Melissa. That was an amazing experience. Excited that you guys are returning to the conference. Just put all your expectations on Christ instead of your husband and you won’t be disappointed! 🙂 Thank youi for your sweet encouragement. Gene and I will pray for you guys before we close our eyes tonight.

    • Amen, thank you also for sharing, continue to pray for your husband as I do with mine. I think they feel somewhat of a disappointment if we as women say, yes our marriage is good BUT this would help us more. We too have attended a marriage conference and it enlightened our hearts but just like your husband mine was why, do your really think we need this. To me, marriage conferences are just like going to school, or church or reading the bible, the Lord will touch, encourage, and give you what is needed in your life at the time. Each day is a new day for each, and we will hear, see, and encounter what the Lord has in our best interest for that day according to the wonderful plan he has for us. Thank you for sharing, God Bless and I will lift you up in prayers..

  8. It’s amazing how God can take our mistakes, and bring beauty out of them. With every bad situation, and bad mess we get ourselves in at times… God will bring his glory out of it somehow. 🙂 God is amazing! I thank him for his forgiveness, grace, and for restoration. I’m currently waiting on God to restore me in a relationship with a guy that I left; knowing he was the one God had for me. You never know what you have until it’s gone…

  9. Thank you Lelia for sharing your testimony. I have gone through many trials and temptations in my life, and looking to God for his help and strength gives me hope that I can make it through. Until I learned to look to God to fulfill my heart’s desires, I struggled greatly. When I am weak-then He is strong! I love this study, I went through it once, and I am reading it for the second time!
    I hope everyone has a great mother’s day!

    • Beth..thank you! Love that you’re going through “A Confident Heart” a second time! I notice each time I learn something new! Yes sister…we’re weak—but—He is strong!

  10. But for the grace of God, there I would be as well! I thank Him for protecting me from being tempted in my greatest times of vulnerability in my marriage- this is what I pray for when I am feeling so weak from my own emptiness and insecurity- first that God would fill those places, but also that He would keep me from temptation when I know I am most weak. May He do the same for all of us as we learn to look to Him and not our husbands for complete fulfillment! Thank you Lelia for being transparent with us and encouraging us to look ahead with God’s forgiveness for the past. I love to think that God will use the whole of my story for His good- what I see as both the bad and the good.

  11. I have got to admit, I am behind in my study with A Confident Heart. I have felt the Holy Spirit nudge me daily do do my reading, to get involved with these awesome words from the heart of this dear woman! But I keep putting it off. I suppose because I really don’t want to dig into my emotional place.
    I don’t have a story like any of these above. Yes, I am in my third marriage. It isn’t perfect. We have two children. My husband is on disability and he smokes marijuana to keep him from getting depressed (the reason for his disability) Any how, I loathe his drug use. I put up my wall. I am not as a wife should be to him because there is so much about him that I don’t like. I stay angry at him more times than not. We live only on his monthly disability check and to say the least, we are dirt poor. Kinda stinks especially since I stay at home to homeschool our two children. (What we feel we are led to do with our children)
    I guess I just need prayer that I would learn to let go of some of my anger that I have towards my husband and our circumstances. I know money isn’t every thing, but not having it really really is super hard.
    Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am thankful for this study and for each and every one of you that have poured your hearts out via your testimonies above. I don’t know what else I have to say, just that I pray for healing for each and every one that is in here and all those that are not being “vocal” about their struggles . Thank you so much Renee & Lelia for today’s post. (((HUGS))) and God Bless You!

  12. So much of this resonated with me on so many levels! I’ve not had an affair or anything, but the temptation was there due to a void I felt within my marriage. I am blessed to have a relationship with my husband in which I can talk to him about any and everything. This article has me convinced that communication is so important between both my spouse and God. I need to be open and honest with both!

    Thank you for sharing Leila!

  13. Wow this story has helped give me the insight I need to continue on my path with Jesus…. My husband has left me for another married woman we have been together 16 years & have been thru a lot in that time. I have always put my husband above God & have found my worth in him not in God. This separation has been devastating &i have felt like dying without him. But everyday I get up even though I don’t want to & I put my faith in Jesus for my life & my marriage. It’s hard but I know God is my only hope He is my portion & who is going to give me my worth my value & who is going to fill all my empty places not my husband. I am praying & believing God wants restoration for my marriage but I know that all depends on my husbands choices to follow God or to continue in his sin….. I can’t imagine my life without him but I know God will make me whole no matter the out come. I truly want my husband restored to God & to me but I know Gods got good plans for my life. Please just pray for me for him & for us that we can follow Gods plan in our lives & that we could be restored to a better marriage than before one built on God first. Every day is a struggle but I’m just handing it to God every morning & some how by end of day I’ve made it thru another day. Your story gives me renued hope & helps me to hold onto Gods promises & strengthens my faith that all things are possible with God even if they don’t seem possible to me. Thank you

    • Oh Kristine, I feel your pain. Even though I had betrayed Gene, I was still trying to process my own pain of betrayal. And it is such a deep pain that doesn’t go away. I will be praying for you and I hope that you allow Jesus to fill what your husband was never created to fulfill in you. If you’re husband is willing, I encourage you to get yourselves to a Family Life Weekend to Remember conference. I never thought my husband would go, but God surprised me and he said yes. We went the first year in 2004 and started volunteering in 2005 and just in March completed our 8th year of volunteering. It is an amazing conference.

      http://www.familylife.com/events/featured-events/weekend-to-remember

      Will be in prayer for you!

      • Thank you I will try but he says he does not love me doesn’t want to work out our marriage for sure wants divorce & loves this other woman & is just waiting on her to leave her husband. I knw God is all I need & he is so much ginger than all this that my husband says but it is all so hard to process & hard to deal with….I love my husband so much & I see a man that God created not this awful man he is but it still only hinges on my husbands decissions now… Please keep praying & I am doing best I can to wait on God & keep Him first in my life…. I’m praying for a miracle & I know my God is the God of miracles even today still.

        • Praying for you Kristine. On behalf of the adulteress woman that I once was…I’m so sorry….an apology you’ll probably never hear from her or perhaps him. Sorry for the pain their selfish choices have caused you. Sorry for the unworthiness you feel. Sorry for the emptiness you feel.
          But in the midst of your pain I hope it’s Jesus that you trust with all of you heart, soul and mind. And please remember and believe Psalm 45:11…the King is enthralled with your beauty.
          Hugs,
          Lelia

    • hi there, kristine…agreeing in prayer with you for “…me for him & for us that we can follow Gods plan in our lives & that we could be restored to a better marriage than before one built on God first.” and thanking the Lord for His goodness in helping you to make it to the end of each day as you struggle but endeavor to give it over to God. i can only imagine that it pleases Him! <3

  14. Your story touched my heart and soul today. Although my “emptiness” has nothing to do with a husband, it resonated with me as, I’m living with my son and daughter-in-law and I want to be so close to them and it’s not happening as I want it to. I won’t go into all the details of my story but, I feel as though as I’m living in a vaccuum. I have a room here, but nothing else. Today, I was feeling particularly sorry for myself (with tomorrow being Mother’s Day) and I happened to click on this blog. The truth struck to my core. I’m looking in all the wrong places for my fulfillment. Thanks for the reminder. Only Jesus can give me what I need.

    • Sweet Anonymous friend…I love that in the midst of your sorrow, God took your hand and led you to Renee’s blog. What a tender-hearted Shepherd we have! If you don’t have Renee’s book, I urge you to get it. I love what she says here in chapter 3:
      “We long to be acknowledged. We want to be noticed…So what do we do when our hearts start tossing and turning with emptiness and uncertainty? We need to stop and ask Jesus to help us see the worth we are placing in other things and the worth we are seeking in other people. On thing that has helped me is to write when-then statements: For example:

      -WHEN I start to measure my value by how well I am doing as a _______________(mom, mother-in-law, etc.) THEN I will thank God for the gift of my roles and for the gift of His unconditional love that determines my worth.

      -WHEN I feel insecure about my position at work, church, or somewhere else, THEN I will thank God for the high or low position I have on earth and for my position in Christ that secures my significance forever.

      -WHEN I feel an aching emptiness that I’m tempted to fill with food, television, or anything other than God, THEN I will thank God for being the strength of my heart and my portion forever–and remember that He is the One who satisfies the hunger and thirst of my soul.

      *This next part I have the word “Important” written next to it in the book*

      “By recognizing and replacing our emptiness with the fullness of God’s promises, we drink the gift of living water. We acknowledge our need, which allows Him to pour His truth into the well of our hearts.”

      I hope this encourages you to look to Jesus for your fulfillment because as you said…only Jesus can give you what you need.

      Happy Mother’s Day tomorrow. xo

  15. Thank you Leila for baring your soul. What an amazing witness you must be to others at this point in your life.. from ashes to beauty! As I read through some of Renee’s recounts of her past I too was reminded of my own. I was raised in a Christian home where my mom was the spiritual “leader”, my dad is actually now a proclaimed aetheist. Her attempt at leadership was riddled with guilt trips and control, something I did everything in my power to fight. Before I was 16 I was sexually active. Today I am 46. I have been happily married for 6 years, although to a man who much like my father, is not a spiritual leader. Prior to meeting him I was involved with so many men, I lost count. I was constantly turning to men to fill my empty heart and time and time again was hurt to the point I was numb and completely separated from God. In fact, I turned to drinking to help make me feel good and make it all feel “fun”. Despite my rebellion and separation from God, he spared me from so many of the consequences that could have and should have been mine. I see that now and am so very thankful. When I got married at 40, I was unexpectedly pregnant with my now 5 year old daughter. At age 2 she was diagnosed with severe autism. Through the challenges and trials of raising a special needs child as well as the joys I have experienced through her innocence and pure heart, I have begun to learn reliance upon God and am FINALLY after 46 long years, looking to really build a lasting relationship with him. I have been actively involved as a leader in the local Autism Society chapter and just recently started a special needs ministry at my church. However, I know God probably has much more in store for me to use my past in ministering to other. One step at a time!

    • Kris…love your honesty!
      If you and your husband can ever make it to a Family Life “Weekend to Remember” conference, I encourage you guys to take a weekend away with each other if you can and go. Really strengthened our marriage.
      Keep going through Renee’s book…it’s such a power tool God used to change my heart around.
      And love how you are involved in your local Autism Society chapter. 🙂

  16. Wow…it amazing how God uses our experiences in our past to give him glory. and it wonderful to know and to help other that are or might be going through similar situations can actually find salvation and forgiveness from God. Knowing that his reches of mercy are forever faithful and that he able even to restore the very brokeness of our hearts. God Bless you and may God keep Blessing your marriage in a such amazing way so he can keep on being glorify in each area of your life.

    • Veronica…I too love that God use will use our experiences from our past in our present for His glory! So cool! God bless you too as you read through Renee’s book, “A Confident Heart”!

  17. Thank you Leila for your honesty. Thank you to all who have also been honest . I’ve done some things to try to fill up my voids-things that i knew were wrong because of how I’ve been raised. I’m really trying to look to Jesus to fill me. God is truly more than enough.

    • Yay God and Dallena,

      Been there and done that too!! Always trying to fill my Jesus void with pretty much about anything that would dull the pain … from alcohol, to drugs, to guys , to work, to other people…and the list went on and on ….can’t help but think of how Renee personalized it all for me on page 60 with her when-then statements. And I’ve also learned to turn to Chapter 12 …(I call Chapter 12, Renee’s Cliff Notes version of A Confident Heart) and am constantly reading and storing His promises found there in my heart.

      Loved these verses Renee called out in Romans 8:28: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those (Dallena, this would be you!) who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Dallena, God does have a purpose for you and he will use your past to bring Him honor and glory. He will work everything together in your life for His kingdom purposes. Praying for you and you seek His face.

      Blessings,
      Donna B

    • Dallena…yes He is more than enough! I went against all that I knew too. I loved what Renee says here toward the end of chapter 3: “Salvation is a one-time decision, but finding satisfaction in Christ and living in the security of His promises is a daily process.” I love that she said DAILY. Keep going Dallena, everyday…seek Him!

  18. Thank you Lelia for sharing such a powerful testimony. It truly reminds me that nothing is impossible for God and that He is a restorer, reconciler, and forgiver. What a mighty God we serve. I too have tried to fill empty voids with people and things only to no avail. I have recently learned to trust Him and accept His unconditional love and allow only Him to fill my empty spaces. Continue to pray my strength this walk and total trusting is not easy but my mind is made up and that makes all the difference. God bless and Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mothers.

  19. I have just started receiving your emails. Thank you Lelia for sharing your heartbreaking story. Thank you for your bravery. Thank you for your transparency. Thank you for testifying to the fact that Jesus needs to be our all in all and in Him and Him only will we be complete. You truly ministered to my heart today.