Today I want you to meet my brave and beautiful friend Lelia Chealey who shares her story of emptiness and how God redeemed her brokenness.
Italicized sentences are from Chapter 3 of A Confident Heart
Until our hearts find complete security and significance in God’s unconditional love, we will constantly turn to other lovers and never be satisfied.
Although I stood before family and friends professing my love and faithfulness to my husband, three years later I found myself trying to fill my emptiness in the arms of another man.
When the closed door of a previous relationship opened I ran through it. On Wednesday I was serving on our church’s youth team and by Saturday I was in between the sheets of a bed in a cheap hotel. The result of my affair led to a pregnancy I knew was from the other man since my husband had undergone a vasectomy.
Driving out of an abortion clinic and heading home to my unsuspecting husband, I wondered how I’d gotten to this place. Here I was a Christian wife and mom who had compromised my beliefs in more ways than one. Looking to fill my void with anything but Jesus, I walked further and further away from the One I needed most.
By being honest about her life and the lies she believed, she could start turning toward the Truth. She could bring the thirst of her heart to Him. Only then would she find confidence in the power of His love and start living in the security of His promises.
I ended my affair soon after the reality of my abortion set in. It shook my Jesus-loving heart to the core. One morning, after everyone was out of the house, I turned on some worship music, got down on my knees and began to sob. Raising my hands toward heaven, I told God, “If I lose everything – my marriage, my kids, my friends, my reputation, but I still have YOU, I’ll be okay.”
Admitting all the lies I had told and believed, I got gut-honest with God that day. And in that place of truth, I was set free and could then turn toward Jesus and away from my life of sin. Like Renee wrote, I could bring the thirst of my heart to Him. That’s what I did — I brought my parched soul to the only One capable of filling me and changing my mess of a life.
Three years later, I felt God leading me to tell my husband about my affair and abortion. We’d attended two marriage conferences during the in-between years and I couldn’t keep my secret any longer. Deep pain was evident on his face and in his tears. My heart broke once again over my affair as I listened to my husband process my choices.
Still in shock, he told me that while I was having my affair he too had been involved in one. I sat there stunned, silent and ticked off at God. How had He not prepared me for this moment of my husband’s truth? I felt instant emptiness, but this time I made the choice to bow my heart before Jesus and ask Him to help me.
Jesus came to give us more than salvation. He wants us to experience complete satisfaction in Him.
These words from chapter 3 resonate deeply with my soul. Although, I had attended Christian school from kindergarten though graduation in 1988; went to church on Sundays and returned on Wednesdays and knew countless Bible stories by heart, what I lacked was a relationship with my King.
Sitting there with my husband trying to process his unfaithfulness, God let me know He is the only One that could take my empty, broken heart and fill it with His unconditional love and confidence that I had sought in all the wrong places.
I love what Renee asked us this week, and how she encouraged us to write our own “when-then” statements:
So what do we do when our hearts start tossing and turning with emptiness and uncertainty? We need to stop and ask Jesus to help us see the worth we are placing in other things and the worth we are seeking in other people and shift our reliance to Him instead.
{Here are mine}
When I start to feel like my marriage is not giving me what I deserve then I will turn to God and ask Him to be my portion.
When I feel tempted to return to a life of emptiness and rely on my old patterns of comfort and fulfillment then I will praise God for what He has brought me from and remind myself that I am worthy of the sacrifice of the cross.
Lasting security comes when we bring the empty well of our hearts to Jesus and ask Him to fill and fulfill us with the security of His unfailing love.
It’s been nine years since the day of my and my husband’s confessions. Our marriage is far from perfect, but with God’s help we have walked through the process of forgiveness and restoration. My husband and I serve at a marriage conference every spring and God has used our mistakes to help other couples realize He is much bigger than any circumstance we face. He has also taken the shame and regret of my abortion and used it for His glory by calling me to be part of an abortion ministry, “Surrendering the Secret,” where I now serve as a leader.
I have no idea what your story it, but please believe this woman who almost lost everything for nothing. Jesus is worth seeking and giving Him a chance to fill up all the empty places of your life. If He can look at an unfaithful wife and compromising mom in Nebraska and see beauty instead of ugly then anyone is within reach of being embraced by His amazing grace.
You need to know that God wants you. There is no sin too heavy to stay nailed to the beams of the cross. You are the reason He trekked His way to Calvary and you are worth every step He took!
***
Thank you Lelia, for the courage and risk it takes tell your story – so raw, so real yet so full of His redemption. I see and love Jesus in you!
Your Turn: Will you take a minute to thank Lelia, and let us both know what has risen to the surface of your heart as you read her story or Chapter 3 this week? Just click “share your thoughts” below this post and do just that. Even sharing some of the answers to our end of chapter questions is great too. This is the place that truly connects us and makes our Confident Heart “community” so special. {Love you guys so much!} And if you are reading this via email, click here to visit my website and connect in community.
Thank you for these heart felt emails!
God is who I have been leaning on now for a very long time. But, now that I have been separted from my husband, I depend on him so much more. I look to him to fill that emptiness in my heart and my husband’s. Only he can do this. God knows that I desire to be with my husband so much, but we need to be fixed and that we need to go throughy recovery (healing) is what has to take place, and no one can do this but Jesus. I know that once the healing has been done then we can begin the restoration. I’m depending on him for all my needs and through this process.
Hello Leila Thank you soo much for sharing your story! I am in the process of letting GOD take over the hurt and pain and turn it in to a story for HIS glory…
Thank you again!
Dear Lelia Chealey,
I want to thank you for sharing your story. it is so similar to my own I too am in the process of rebuild ing my marriage through God redeeming love and grace. It has helped give me more confidence and reassurance that I am on the right path as I seek him out in all that I do. Though I hear from those around me that I am it does help reading another story similar to your own. Thanks and Godbless you in all that you do for Him who loves us all.
Your sister in Christ,
Christina W
Good testimonies. God IS the one who heals, changes and transforms!
Cheryl McDonald…Haha! Yes, being wet and smelling like smoke is a lot better than the flames setting us ablaze as it says in those verses. 🙂
Keep going forth sister! 🙂
Hugs back to ya from Nebraska!!
Thank-you Leila for having the courage to tell your story, and thank-you for helping hurting woman!
Thank you Debbie…God is SO good!
Also, I wanted to say, when I began typing, I was saying until this day, and then, i changed the subject! I do that a lot. I get people confused! What I wanted to say was to this day, I hide things. Because that’s how I was raised. God is really speaking to me through this study. I’ve been hiding from him! Even though he knows everything, he still wants us to communicate with him. I always think of the verse we have not because we ask not. and I cired out to god today and said I realize it’s too late. Things will never change with my family situations, and there, I go again beating myself up again, I said to g
od! Renee This morning, when I went to my e-mail to listen to a message from a bible teacher, I got the indication on my computer that I had e-mail, and it was the video from you sharing your heart! and I do feel I’m knowing the chpters really well! But, I was going to do something else, but when i received your e-mail, I believe that was God encourageing me to share my heart! because I said I would. He knows I put things off! I’ll say I’ll do things later, then, when later comes, they don’t get done! Thank you agaon for an amazing study!
Liela thank you so much for your story! and sharing your heart, and thank you! Renee! and thank you to all the women for sharing your hearts! God has really been speaking to my heart during this study! I’ve been hiding so much because, still to this day and I’m 48 now. I’m totally blind, and I live on my own, just to tell you a bit about myself Liela, I have an amazing computer with sppech program. I read everything. I just have to know the right key stroke commands. I wanted to download the book confident heart, but my computer, only reads word files, not p.d.e. files, however, my computer teacher just gave me special instructions, and told me some computers with speech do read p.d.f. files. I’m just now praying for another opportunity to donwload this for free, because, I am on a limited disability pension! God is so good to me! I’ve never been maried, There are a lot of unpeaceful situations in my family that makes me so sad! I pray all the time. I love my family and I just want evweryone to be happy! God is so good to me! I’m in my church choir. two years ago, I started listening to this amazing Christian radio station that I take great confort from! God has really found that for me! Great music great bible teachers. I have a few favourites. Dr. Charles Stanley, James MacDonald. This station is Joy 1250 in Oakviele ontario. I live in canada. Let me tell you a bit of background about my family, before, i share with you my heart! First, I want to say, I thank god all the time, for finding me such an amazing study where people really share their hearts and no one judges! God knows, I’ve been beating myself up a lot, and I always pray for healing for forgivenes. I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive my mother. I beat myself up a lot that I wish I could. I’m so happy! God find me this study! My parients. for fifteen to twenty years! They are both with someone for a long time. We were raised catholic. Two years ago, I rededicated my life to Jesus during a prayer with Dr. charles Stanley. The guy my mother is with is agnostic. My mother doesn’t go to church any more. This makes me sad. My mother’s partner is very negative. Every word that comes out of his mouth is negative. It’s anoying! It doesn’t bother my mother. He’s just good to her and that’s all she talks about. One time, someone from 100 Huntley street was praying for her to be disatisfied with negative thinking! I like that! I never though about praying like that. Anyhow, This weekend, my dad was reminsing how he was thinking that Saturday would have been him and my mother’s fiftyth wedding anaversary! now, I know for a fact that my mother doesn’t think about him that way any more, to remember annanversaries! Out of site out of mind! Yes, there is a bit of anger there! Today, I realized: and God made me realize this the only way I’ll heal is put my heart here. I keep a journal! I do feel much better when I talk about things. I was raised to keep my feelings bottled up inside. It’s just that my dad is so sad, and I feel my mother doesn’t care! I’m being very harsh and judgemental to her, i don’t mean to be! I can’t help how I feel! wow, next to telling god stuff, I’ve never poured out my heart like this! I’m so glad I found this study! Another issue. I have a sister eight years younger. A few years ago, Her and her husband split up. They are devorced now I think. shortly, after they split up, my mother called me to tell me, that he went home, Jammy my ex brotherinlaw, he went home, and cried for forgiveness. My mother said “but he cheated! Her tone! I knew she was going to discourage my sister from forgiving him and that made me so mad! Anyway, to this day, I’m beating myself up to say if only I said something to encourage my mother to encourage my sister to forgive, not discourage. the thing is, my mother is always talking to me about how we forgive everybody. I think the man my mother is with is a bad influence on her! I just feel so bbad for my family! Right now, everyone is so happy, but I really think inside, people are not happy, my mother, my dad, my dad shows his feelings, but a lot of times, he doesn’t. We are Italian! We are very emotional! I take after my dad. I keep my feelings bottled up! God is awsom! for encourageing me and finding me this great study and great women that I can hear their hears and i can share! now, I was saying about my computer. I am able to pariticpate a lot in this study! I get the e-mails. I’m able to hear the videos! i’m able to read the comments. and post my own comments! I love long e-mails, and i do know, there is a lot of women who posted long comments! So, i felt comfortable to do that! Thank youso mucyh for letting me share my heart! and that we can all be so honest! Renee God is so good! to your! to help you so much to heolp people! Thank you! for this amazing study!
Bless your heart Phyllis…will be praying for you sweet friend! 🙂
I’ve had many times where I could have given up in my marriage of 3 1/2 years. There were times I actually told my husband I was done. I’m kinda at that point now as well. Because of this study, the message through Christian music, and great Godly people – like Renee and Leila and also my church family – I am still holding on. I’m not sure where God is leading me, but I know He IS leading me. And in my times of doubt, I look to God to bring me through safe to the other side where there is peace and rest.
Thank you so much for sharing your story!! I recently went through something similar and it struck me to the core of my most inner being. I felt that I was at my lowest of Lowes, stressed, out of control, and in a very strange place. We have spent so much time talking and turning everything over to God. We are getting to a much better place and things are getting better due to Gods amazing grace and love!!!!!
Kyrie Eleison….I hope you look back to see this email.I just want to say thank you for sharing with me. We have learned to “talk ” about God and how he impacts our lives. What we haven’t done “together” and need to is Bible studies and praying. I would love to just sit down and do a study just “us ” together. I guess I am afraid of asking not wanting to feel rejected. I am going to pray about it and see where God leads me on that. What a great idea you gave me about praying on the phone when he is gone. He is a Christian man but doesn’t openly show it not ever to me and we have been together for 21yrs. He does have a heart of gold. I do say sometimes “Let’s pray about this situation” when I feel the Holy Spirit kinda give me that kick..lol I think asking him to pray with me would be a great idea. Its hard for me to ask. I came from an abusive step father and a father who abandoned me. I always have this fear of rejection. I am working on that. Those 2 people have caused so much hurt with me and there have been so many consequences “I’VE” had to deal with because of their choices.
I do thank you for taking time to share with me. It does mean a lot is is great appreciated!
I also read your email about the emotional relationship that can happen when there is a lack of things in your marriage. I too have experienced that. Nothing at all sexual. Just the talking and confiding when I should have been doing that with my husband. I too had to decide to let the friendship go and we both knew why. My husband and I did discuss this as he saw me talking a lot to this man. My husband and I did sit down and talk to each other about what we lacked in our relationship and how can we change that. Well it helped for a little while and then life again over took our relationship and our distance started again. Its hard that he travels and has to come home and play his role. We have had several discussions on this. When he is home he want to relax and my job still goes on. I didn’t tell you but I am also a Home school mom. THIS YR ONLY! That has cause an enormous amount of stress on me. 5th , 6th, and 8th grade. I just want those “good times’ back and Christ at the center of them. I know with him guiding us we will be fine. We’ll be fine…I just know I need to take the lead and that’s hard for me sometimes. I TRULY appreciate your words of wisdom.
Lelia:
Thank you too for your kind words and for sharing Is 43:2-3. And do I have to come out wet and smelly yuck..lol Guess its better than getting burned and swept away! Right??lol I will continue to pray for your ministry and you for sharing to help others just like me. You truly are a blessing!! Thank you! Hugs to you both!
Haha! Yes, being wet and smelling like smoke is a lot better than the flames setting us ablaze as it says in those verses. 🙂
Keep going forth sister! 🙂
Hugs back to ya from Nebraska!!
Thank u so much for sharing this story. My marriage has been attacked by infidelity also. I was pregnant w my 1st child wheny husband started his year long affair w one of his employees. Once I found out the horror dread & pain broke me as a person & left me lifeless nside. I worked for a man at the time that preyed on my brokeness & started making advancements. N the darkest moments of my life I gave n to doing inappropriate things w him. Both my husband & myself found the Lord thru these extremely tramatic events & have since had a 2nd child. But reading ur story made me realize how broken I still am. I’m tormented by bad memories & my heart still hurts more than I’ll even admit to myself. I know God can restore us & from where we were 4 yrs ago He has…the Rd is so long and so hard I wonder if I made the right decision by staying… Ur story helped me to see that when I’m empty Gods love will fill me.
Again thank u for sharing a testimony that is ignored at times n the Christian life…it’s been my experience that infidelity labels me & I feel like I’m perceived as less of a Christian woman because of sexual sin. But i want to rise above that but for now I just feel stuck…
Please know that I’m reading each one of your comments as well as Renee is. We are moved to prayer on behalf of you ladies. I appreciate all of your encouraging kind words and my heart aches for those struggling. If you’re not, please spend daily time reading God’s Word, the Bible and also in prayer. And if you’re reading through “A Confident Heart”, keep pressing through it. It’s so worth allowing God to make the changes He feels are necessary in our hearts.
I love you all as your sister in Christ and will continue to read through your comments and pray for each one of you. You all have blessed this Nebraska girl more than you know. <3
Wow. What amazing stories you have all shared. It is nice to know I am not alone in my struggles. I grew up in a Christian home, but had sex at age 17 (what I did for love). I later married him, feeling it would “erase my guilt”. It didn’t. I became very resentful and came dangerously close to having an affair. My husband is emotional distant. I have requested counseling several times and have been denied each time. I have requested retreats and have been denied. I have spoken very frankly with him (especially about being so distant from our children) and have been met with a complete “shut down”. I have realized I have held out my jar to be filled by all the wrong people/things! I have prayed all week for God to help me place those people/things back in their rightful places so He can fill my jar. I don’t want to be emotionally lonely any more. I don’t want to rely on others to fill me up! I want the Lord to do it! I have kept my “dirty little secrets” (of premarital sex, marriage for the wrong reason, near affair, and unhappy marriage) all to myself. I’m not sure I’m ready to share my story with people who know me (YIKES), but I want God to use me (I guess I need to let go & trust Him)! I want to pour myself in to Him and Him to fill me!!
Thank you Lelia for being so brave. The enemy has put a lot in my path again. I have struggled in a marriage for thirty years to submit to a husband who talks the talk of a christian but cannot seem to walk the walk. Distracted by worldly opinions and backslides to see his only worth in his job performance for his boss, co-workers, or employees. The marriage and our family has suffered consistently. I have had hope in Jesus name and tried to do my best (knowing I have not) giving in to my loneliness and overwhelmed to be both parents failing my children when they need me most. The more I pray, study the word, and walk towards being who God made me to be I am attacked. I am currently in christian counseling again and seeing a cardiologist for tests. My greatest concern and confusion is that I have put my marriage first instead of God, yet I am always counseled God hates divorce. I am thankful for this book and study so I may again have A Confident Heart with the Lord, and not allow myself to be deceived by the enemy. My created purpose is to be a child and heir of heaven – to SHARE God’s word – and not allow myself to feel a burden of responsibility to prove His word. That is the work of the Holy Ghost. May God be with all of you this day to live in His peace and security.
Leila and Renee, I appreciate your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable with everyone. I too have been through an amazing journey these past 2 years in which I have learned about my husbands addictions to both narcotics and pornography. I have wondered for years what was missing in my marriage. There was no intamacy and I became a very negative person to my husband and my children, not realizing that my husband was living a double life. It wasnt until I began to look at my part in the relationship and surrender my husband to God, that He was able to work in ways I could never imagine. God wants us to surrender everything to Him, it is very difficult sometimes to do so. God is showing me that He has much greater plans for my life. I have to admit that the journey is not always an easy one. Since my husbands disclosure and relapses, he has lost his job and we are still waiting for God to show us what is next. We are down to our last reserve in our bank account and we dont know what will happen next. I have to have Faith in who God says He is and trust that He is Sovereign. He does ask us to be obedient and to take One Day at a Time. So, to all of you who have been through much worse than I, hang in there and God Bless!
Thank you very much for sharing your story. There are days when I truly ask for help in my marriage. Mine is far from perfect. I know that my husband and I need to attend church more than what we do. Hopefully very soon we will
Thank you so much Lelia for sharing your story. We have some similarities in our story, but that’s not what is important. As I was reading your story, I was thinking about how, at this moment, I am telling myself that I’m not worthy of good things to happen to me…your story prompted a little conversation within me, that ending with, “You’re not asking God to help you to achieve that which you are struggling with”. I allow FEAR to get in the way of the things that I need to accomplish in order to move to the next step; and that’s what I heard in your sharing…how we get tripped up in jumping to the next thing instead of working on, or fixing what is in front of us…wow; Thank you so much…when I am done writing this, I am going to start moving with God’s help in the direction of forward, not to the side. Thank you!
Thank you Lelia for your honest story. I, too, was in your situation. Full of emptiness in my marriage and ran to other men. (no pregnancy though). My story ended much differently with divorce after 11 years.
My heart fell in love with a great man that turned me to God! I felt free for once in my life. Away from emotional abuse and back into the arms of God. I asked forgiveness from God and each person I hurt with my lies. Each lie was spoken out in the open and all truth was told.
After 10 years, I have lived through honesty and the Lord.
May God Bless you for all the work you have done in His name and for sharing your story so that others may know they are not trapped…God is with them.
Thank you Lelia for sharing your story with us. I know I am late with my gratitude, but just wanted to let you know what a wonderful reminder that God is always there for us. All we have to do is ask.
Lelia, I loved your post, though I know it contained painful things. I do not feel empty in my marriage, but I often feel a generalized emptiness, specifically that there will be no one to care for me. I think it’s a childhood echo. I fill that emptiness with food. Thank you for your encouragement. I am going to seek jesus and write my own When/Then statements!
I love the thought that Jesus trekked His way to Calvary because He deem me worthy. Because Jesus deemed me worthy of the price He paid, it would be disrespectful for me to deem myself un-worthy. It would be like saying I know more about myself than He does (did). I love that He counted me worthy enough and that He saved me out of the pit.
Thank you for sharing your testimony.
Thank you for this. This can apply to other ares too, not just marriage!
I have a question….I’m a Christian and I struggle with getting God in the center of my life and my family’s life. I know once God is first, everything else will fall into place. What exactly des that look like? I struggle with what this is and how to do it. I spend time in His word everyday, I pray alot, and read devotions, yet I’m in a bad place right now. Marriage stress, work stress , friendship stress, finding out where I Belong, trying to be a good mom and wife and friend etc. I’m not feeling any peace. So when everyone talks about putting God first and finding peace and rest in Him etc…what does that look like and mean. I’m tired. I go to church and serve. Yet I’m not feeling close to God. I feel lonely in all my relationships. I have given It all to God and just pray. What else? How do u make God front and center and get to that happy place that puts life back together for u? I’m doing what I’m suppose to, but nothing is changing.
My emptiness lies not in my marriage, but within my self image and worthiness. Hearing this story hit home with the thought that no sin is to great to be forgiven. That I am worthy of God’s love . I need to keep repeating that, hang it up to remind me. Help me believe it!
thank you for sharing your story. although i am no longer married, i know the feeling of searching for something, someone to fill the “empty” spaces in my heart. when i found myself single after 16 years of marriage, i felt like such a complete failure & wanted to be whole again. i thought this could be found in another man fulfilling the loss of what i had in a “secure” marriage. needless to say, i haven’t found that “one”, but compromised my morals and belief in search of him. then as i began to really draw close to God & His word, I began to see that His son, Jesus shed His blood on Calvary for me…yes, just for me…me the heartbroken…me the worrier…me the fornicator…me…just me…just as I am….yes, JUST AS I AM…with this new found knowledge, I have turned to Him in ALL things and I feel so complete…No, I’m not there yet, still a work in progress, but I thank God that when I turn my insecurities over to Him, I feel so much better, have much more peace, and feel so much secure…i’m emerging as a new woman in Christ and am so much like SAM..thirsting after that Living Water! God Bless…
I am in awe that you chose to stay and so did your husband. Its amazing to me that God has touched you through your being honest and Him loving you unconditionally. I have believed so many lies thru being In marriages with men who did not love God as I was lead to believe. I was looking for unconditional love. I have been for forever it seems. I hurt so bad and most days I get angry that I was fooled. I wish I had known better and could have been spared so much pain and heartache. Not to mention my children. I want the shame and anger to leave me and never return. I want beauty for ashes. Thank you for your honesty.
I can so relate to this story. I too have things from my past that have haunted me. I have been married 3 times searching for love and acceptance. I too have had an abortion. I too have had an affair. In fact I have had many affairs. When I was 15 yrs old I was molested by a police officer who put a gun to my face. I felt so alone during this time in my life. When it was brought to the surface noone wanted to talk about it. My parents, my friends acted as though it never happened. I felt isolated and scared. I wanted to talk about it. Instead it just got swept under the rug. I began cutting myself with a knife to somehow take away the pain. I felt as though hurting myself was somehow hurting the man who did this to me. I couldn’t find God during this time in my life…feeling as though He had left me. Looking back, I think having the many marriages and the abortion was my way of running from God and running into the arms of any man who would make me feel good about myself… or at least for awhile. The “feeling good about myself” never lasted long. What I needed all along was God to hold me in his arms and tell me it will be okay and I will never leave you. At last, I am almost there. My relationship with God is better then it has ever been. I truly know He loves me and His love is all I need. He is enough!!
WOW!!!! Thank you for sharing your story with us!!! It was truly a blessing!!! I like so many others have turned to things that I shouldn’t have to fill me. Thank you again for sharing your story–it gives me hope!!
I remember Lysa saying in one of her books something along the lines of “blessed are the transparent, for they shall do mighty works for God.” May not be exact, but something like that. And that is what I thought of here. What a powerful testimony of God’s faithfulness and love. How it blesses my heart to see you willing to be so open, to put your heart and your story out there. I loved you already, but this makes me love you all the more.
I know the Lord is using your testimony to help Him break chains, to set captives free. Praying for you as you step out and minister truth and hope to others and praying for the hearts He wants to minister to deeply!
Much love,
K
Love you K!!!
Thank you to Lelia and all the ladies in this online study who have been so open with their hearts and their life experiences. I can definitely relate to what Renee says in chapter 3 about trying to gain fulfillment from everything and anything but Him. I need to remember:
“You’re been trying to earn your value in everything you’ve done. But you will never find the love you long for in anyone or anything but ME. I AM the unconditional love you are looking for.”
I too have been guilty of looking to others or things to fill in the emptiness I felt inside for so many years. Having suffered from sexual abuse as a child and an ongoing troubled relationship with my parents, I grew up to be a woman with many insecurities and needs. On the outside everything seemed perfect…but on the inside I was dying. When the emptiness became too much, I ultimately ended up doing something I would have never thought possible…I turned to alcohol and to the numbness it brought. This only further added to the emptiness I felt. But thank God he is God of redemption and restoration! I am happy to say it has been 3 months since I surrendered myself to God and truly accepted the love only He can give. I no longer see my self as unworthy or not good enough and fully embrace all that God has to offer.
I am so grateful for you Renee and all this bible study is doing for me! I so appreciate your words and wisdom. And a special Thank-you to Leila for sharing her story and being an example of the love and grace of God!
Renee and Lelia,
You both have risked much by sharing much this week. May God bless you and protect you as this is a very vulnerable place to be. This past week I had much struggle and interference with my schedule and have only today gotten to finish the week’s lessons. Our enemy truly is out there working hard to keep us from knowing how loved we are and living confidently. I would have avoided a lot of drama and tears if I were filled by God.
Lord, as women we do struggle with empty places and seeking to fill them in all the wrong ways. I ask for each of us that you would reveal to us how we are doing this. Then, I ask for a supernatural strength to turn away from those and run into Your arms. Help us to rest there allowing You to fill our hearts and heal our hurts.
First of all I’d like to say ” Happy Mother’s Day” to all my sisters in Christ 🙂
Thank you Lelia for sharing your deep and personal secret- you are amazing and I know you have been set free just by sharing your story with all of us.
Renee- The questions in chapter 3 I finally wrote out the answer and saw it for the first time on paper brought back a lot of sadness, emptiness,
Question 1:
What was the craziest thing you have ever done for love?
I tried to commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills and ended up in the hospital- all because my love at the time was having an affair, I felt so betrayed, so ugly, so un-wanted-un-loved.
You know still today I carry an emptiness- I keep searching for happiness all in the wrong places? I never shop for myself- but I feel a real low- I shop for jewelry-handbags that I NEVER would buy for myself, When I get them home I’m so excited & happy, but it’s so temporary? They are just stuff… and I know I can’t take it with me? I’ve always been a spiritually hungry Christian, trying to read His Word, doing devotionals, Even reading … I am now reading besides “A Confident Heart” a book called “The Happiness Makeover” by M.J. Ryan- I have also read “The Power Of Patience” — but why do I still feel empty- and when things go wrong I feel like me reading all these books is thrown right out the door? It’s like I haven’t learn a thing from these books. I know I need to learn how to fill up on Jesus… but my mind is always racing, I have so many negative thoughts that I can’t even pray correctly- most of the time I just talk with Him as if I was there. My relationship now is good- we’ve been together for 29 years BUT I am still not happy? I’m still searching as to WHY? I still feel that I’m suppose to be doing something more? I try to be accountable by memorizing scripture, by reading the bible, doing my devotions…. BUT… some days I feel I’m just going through the motions- some days I truly get it and some just a blur? I pray that by the end of this online bible study & reading “A Confident Heart”, that I can stop searching for happiness.
All the women who share- you are all so wonderful! I know it’s not easy to expose such personal experiences & hurts- It helps me feel that I’m not alone. My Love To You All!
Aloha from Hawaii xoxoxoxoxo
Donna
Thank you Lelia for sharing your story and how God is working in your family and marriage today!
I am a 43 year old mom of a 5 and 3 year old daughter, step-mom to two teenage boys and married to a much older atheist husband. I have been tempted by the enemy more than once to just leave this unhappy situation. Daily I struggle to keep my eyes on Jesus and to look to HIM for satisfaction. This morning I turned to our verse of the week (psalm 90:14) before I re-read your story; I really hope that God will reveal his unfailing love to me through this study.
There is a line in Renee’s book that I don’t want to forget either….”Salvation is a one-time decision, but finding satisfaction in Christ and living in the security of His promises is a daily process”.
I pray that each person participating in this study will experience God’s unconditional love in a powerful way.
Happy Mother’s Day Renee and Lelia
Karen (from Canada)