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Renee Swope

Encouraging and equipping moms to parent with God's grace and confidence.

Trusting our very GREAT GOD in the midst of not so great news.

Every time I get a mammogram... I wonder if this will be “the day” – the day they tell me I need a biopsy.

That day came this past Tuesday. The radiologist told me I needed to schedule a needle tissue biopsy on my left side to see if a suspicious area has cancerous cells. I acted like it was no big deal while she explained exactly what they will do and how I need to prepare for it.

I think my brain went numb… until I walked out into the lobby and Holly asked me how things went.

That’s when I melted into tears and tried to explain what happened. She held me with her eyes and listened and helped me talk through what I needed to do next. Then we got a latte at Starbucks and slowly made our way toward the parking garage, and toward a new hard thing I didn’t want to have to process.

This All Started in December 1992
Seventeen years ago, my mom had a suspicious area that ended up being cancer and she had a mastectomy that year right before Christmas. Her mother had died of breast cancer in 1977. In the past several years my mom’s two neices (my two cousins) have had breast cancer. They are the only two females in my generation from mom’s side that hit their 40s before me. I am next in line in the age range that is risky. My cousin, Amy, just had a voluntary double mastectomy to avoid it all together. She is the sister of the other two that had it.

Two and a half years ago I got a routine mammogram and had to go back for a diagnostic one because of this “area.” At that time we decided I would start seeing an oncology surgeon (who is head of Oncology at Carolina’s medical) so that he could closely watch and help me navigate through decisions if a time like this came. He has been very concerned since the beginning and has even suggested throwing me into menopause early! (Mercy, I opted out of that one.) Anyway, he said they’d watch it and if it changed we’d do a biopsy.

It has changed, so here we are.

I fell asleep crying Tuesday night. Not because I was scared(yet)…but because I was exhausted. In fact, I told JJ and Holly and Lysa and my mom I was too tired to be scared. I couldn’t feel anything but weary and worn. I desperately needed to rest so I could get renewed mentally to make decisions about the timing of my biopsy – which everyone wanted me to do the next day!

I honestly don’t want to know the results (if something is wrong) for Christmas. A week of waiting won’t make it any worse. And not knowing doesn’t make me anxious.

That might sound odd, but if I know it is cancer then I have to face it and I’m not ready for that. It’s Christmas and I’m still recuperating from adopting a baby, traveling to Africa, having mom in the hospital and trying to write a book that I just signed a contract for before all this crazy stuff happened.

What’s Next?
Well, scared came. And so did denial. Then came questioning. Next came convincing myself it’s nothing.

It’s funny how our feelings and sense of what God is doing changes each day in times like these. Each day got better as I had time to sleep and pray, read God’s Word and process it all with JJ and my sweet Father who knows all things. I have sensed God’s nearness and His good. There are so many ways He’s intervened the past two weeks leading up to this and I have experience how very present He is in my time of need. I know I can trust my very great God in the midst of not so good news.

And I finally made my appointments. I am scheduled to see my oncologist this Monday, Dec 21st, at 2:30pm for an examination and to find out the “what ifs”. Then I have my biopsy on Monday, Dec 28th at 8:30am. I don’t think we’ll have too many answers until after my biopsy comes back the week of New Year’s.

Although this is really hard, I have peace and assurance deep in my soul that can only come from Jesus. He’s looking out for me, and so is JJ! He surprised me with a weekend away (that started last night) to rest and spend some time with Jesus. I am staying at one of my favorite hotels and it’s been wonderful. I am using this time to focus on and prepare for what is now – Christmas, my precious baby and boys, and the gift of time with my family. After Christmas, we’ll think about what might be next.

I love you my friends!!I’m so glad that we walk this journey together as we follow hard after Him.

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Comments

  1. Hello Renee,
    I was first introduced to your blog when Holly did an entry on Lysa's blog about your adoption story, and I've been following it ever since.

    I just want to quickly reassure you that we can beat cancer – I had early stage cervical cancer in 1996, and I'm fine now, and have been ever since my hysterectomy.

    I also want to tell you that it can be a blessing for God to choose us to go through difficult times, because through them, we learn to grow so much closer to Him. My son was almost killed in a car accident in 2006, but he survived multiple major injuries. He now lives independently, albeit with a serious brain injury – heartbreaking for us, because he was a genuine computer whizz, destined for great things – in human terms. He was in hospital for 13 months and I spent most of that time with him – all in hospitals many hours drive away from my husband and young daughter at home.

    I learnt to rely on God as never before, and I have come to see this as time of great blessing and privilege. I know that this is very early in the scheme of things to be telling you this, but I pray that you will come to think of your news in the same way, in time.

    We easily trust God with the small things in our lives – and we can have the same confidence in His love, leading, strength and grace during the hard time.

    God bless you, my dear blogging friend, and may you know the peace that only Jesus can give us. I will commit to pray for you daily.

    with love, Anne, NZ.

  2. Renee, I can't even imagine the load that is on you right now. I know in my heart that God has your life under control. I will be praying for you daily until your breakthrough comes through. I know that God gave Aster to you because you would make a special mommy to her. God has it all under control. I pray that he will surround you with angels that will encourage you and lift you up when you needed.

    Love,prayers and hugs,
    Silvia

  3. So sorry to hear this news. You have been going through so many difficult things this season. My heart goes out to you. I have a dear friend who is in the midst of this trial right now. I pray for God's peace and rest for you.
    Blessings, sweet sister.

  6. Renee, I'm amazed at how much we have in common. I so often read your words and feel as if I had written them myself.

    My mother is also a breast cancer survivor. She had a mastectomy in '86. As a little girl I feared the same for myself. As I grew older that fear turned to faith and knowledge about early detection. My doctor started my mammograms at 30. Now at 33 I'm happy to get my boobs squished every year. I thank God for the technology we have to detect these things then face and fight them head on. I'm praying for you my friend. What an awesome testimony and demonstration of courage and faith you already have for those who are in the same fight.
    Love and prayers,
    Paula G.

  7. Wow, Renee. You've hardly had a chance to breathe these last few months. The enemy makes me so MAD!!

    "When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him and put him to flight…" Isaiah 59:19

    I'm praying that God will intervene mightily, your news will all be good, and that you and your family will enjoy a peaceful, joy-filled Christmas together.

  8. Renee: Will be lifting you up in prayer. I keep reminding myself, I my own and in other's circumstances, God's ways are not our ways!

  10. How ironic that you are going through this right now. My mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Had surgery Dec. 1st. Scheduled a lumpectomy and doc came to talk to us in the middle of surgery and said he found one other lump. My poor dad had to make a decision to do a mastectomy. It was a surprise. She ended up with three lumps, and will soon endure Chemo. She had a fast growing cancer, which was very unexpected. Not a common one from what we know at this time. I know the feelings as a daughter that I am going through. My mom has since learned to put things in perspective. She loves to shop, she smokes and doesn't eat very well. So this has helped her to change some of those things, little by little.
    We are finding that it does run in our family and at age 37 her oncologist and surgeon want me to go in and get a mamogram done! I know the feelings that you have probably been feeling for a while now! UGH
    I do know that breast cancer has a high cure rate…but that doesn't minimize what you have to endure in the mean time!
    My mom is facing losing her hair soon. She is dreading that. I told her that I would shave mine with her, but then my practical side starts in and I think, I don't want to do that! I want my hair even though most days I hate it! But it isn't really about me anymore. The reality is my mom will be fighting for her life. Hair grows back, and if it will make her feel more comfortable! Sigh….In this world of sin, Come Lord Jesus! Soon…….
    Shannon

  13. First of all I want to say how thankful I am that you had your dear friend, Holly, there with you that day! What a blessing!

    Then, to have peace and rest in your heart and mind. What a gift from the LORD! He truly does give peace that passes all understanding or comprehension. What would we do without His sweet presence?! So thankful that you have Him to guide you through this time!

    Lastly (but very importantly), so thankful that you shared this with us, your blog friends, so that we can lift you up in prayer. So thankful that God hears our prayers and is faithful to answer!

    BIG HUGS to you, Renee!

  14. Renee, We had a crazy night around here – not much sleep, but you were on my heart and in my prayers, which will continue. More to say, but will have to stop back later. Until then I pray He takes your worry away, like you said it only robs you of rest and that's a gift He wants to give all year long and I'm sure at Christmas. Prayers, Jill

  15. Praying for you sweet friend! I have been there…it is difficult and especially this time of year. You are loved and prayed for! May you find peace and rest this Christmas season and into the new year.

    I, too, just read Beth Moore's post earlier this morning and was very touched by this quote: "God has called me, and so many others in women's ministry, to experience a broad spectrum of women's issues so I can grow more equipped to do His will toward those I serve. And it is my privilege."

    Indeed…:)

    ((Hugs))

  17. Hey sweet Joy, you are right!! Beth's post was so perfectly timed. I read it last night and was so encouraged by her news and all that she shared. Grace and Mercy just blew me away!

    Praying that God "will deliver us from everything but His glory" as well. I love that prayer! She's such a treasure. And so are you!

    Love you friend!

  19. Renee, you have to read Beth Moore's post from yesterday. It's long, but so worth every minute. Just to quote a small portion:

    "In the aftermath of our ordeal, people have asked me over and over again how I felt it would come out and I told them what I'll tell you: I just did not know. One day I'd think my daily Bible reading indicated that I would be spared from a malignancy. The next day I'd think I only had two weeks to live. I quit trying to read Scripture like a crystal ball and, instead, just entrusted myself to God for His perfect will and felt peace either way. I have said to Him over and over in matters concerning my loved ones, "Deliver us from everything but Your glory, Lord." That's what I asked this time, too. "Deliver us from evil, Lord, and from temptation but do not deliver us from Your prized glory."

    It's a powerful post of her recent health challenges. Hope it encourages you too.

    More hugs,
    Joy

  20. I knew this was coming. It's a bittersweet read. I love your faith while hate what you're facing. You know my prayers surround you and I'm believing God for His best for you…always.

    Glad you decided to wait until after Christmas. As I shared with you earlier this week, having my tests done just before Christmas last year and having to wait until after the holidays for results was difficult. Praying you will know His peace and rest all along this journey.

    Love, prayers and hugs,
    Joy