When I was in elementary school, I used to make bouquets out of azaleas and walk down the aisle of my dad’s long driveway lined with magnolia trees, imagining a prince waiting for me on the porch. Those were little girl dreams I thought I’d left behind.
In my devotion “I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain,” featured today at P31, I shared about struggles I had years ago with anger and unrealistic expectations towards my husband. One day God showed me that my broken dreams had become bitter expectations taking root in my heart: I wanted my husband to make up for all that my dad had never been, and it was destroying my marriage.
God showed me that I needed to forgive my father and release my feelings of bitterness, abandonment and disappointment, and invite Him into those hurting places. Only He could bind up my broken heart and set me free from the fear of never have a happy ending.
As I released my grip, God began to heal my heart and my marriage. It was the beginning of a bigger work He was doing in my life. He walked me through a season of looking back so I could move forward, and used that time to “rebuild [my] ancient ruins and restore the [broken] places [in my heart that had been] long devastated” (Isa. 61:4).
During that time, I realized there were several areas of my life that needed restoration. I decided to write out a timeline of my life and asked the Holy Spirit , whom Jesus referred to as our Counselor, to help me see the wounds I had buried in my past.
With each wound, I asked Jesus to heal the pain and claimed Isaiah 51:3, “The Lord will surely comfort [me] and will look with compassion on all [my] ruins; he will make [my] deserts like Eden, [my] wastelands like the garden of the Lord.”
Over time I started to release the pain of rejection, shame, wounds and deep disappointments. Although I knew God wanted me to deal with my past, I also knew God did not want me to dwell in the past. He would speak through His word, reminding me again and again, See, Renee, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you see it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland (Isa. 43:18–19).
Forgiving each person who’d hurt me wasn’t easy but it was essential. Often we are afraid to forgive because it might open us up to be hurt again. Or we’re afraid to deal with it, so we just leave it buried. But any time we bury a hurt that’s still alive, it just rises from the dead to haunt us.
In Ephesians 4, the Bible tells us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love… forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (vv. 2, 32). Forgiveness was demonstrated on a cross where Jesus displayed His perfect love by dying for imperfect people. At Calvary, Jesus laid down His pain and hurt and chose love and forgiveness instead. His forgiveness frees us to forgive others and ourselves.
Of course, some things are much harder and take more time to forgive than others. When I am really having a hard time forgiving or finding healing from a deep wound, I ask Jesus to cover my wounds with His blood. As Scripture tells us:
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding . . . he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Eph. 1:7–8; Isa. 53:5)
As I shared in my devotion, we can’t go back and change the circumstances or relationships that have wounded us, but we can go back and process the pain with Jesus. In fact, we won’t completely heal until we do. And left unresolved, the pain from yesterday can keep us from experiencing all that God has for us today and tomorrow.
As you process pain from your past that you have carried into your future. consider making a timeline of your life with key events, and write down any painful emotions and memories. Then ask the Holy Spirit to remind you where you have been, what those events caused, how far from God those things took you, and how they hurt you and others.
Invite God to enter into those memories with you. Give yourself time to grieve your losses as you ask Jesus to heal them with the power of His Holy Spirit as you focus your thoughts on transforming truths in His Word. As He shows you broken places, ask Him to bind up every wound with His healing touch and set you free from any captivity that has held you until now. Pray His promises. Cry if you need to. Just please take time, sweet friend, to heal so you can be whole again.
* If this is an area of your life you sense God leading you to dig deeper into, more about this part of my journey and this topic are in chapter 4 of A Confident Heart,
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I’m giving away 2 copies, A Confident Heart today. Just leave your name or a comment to enter by clicking on “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Also, I invite you to share your thoughts about this post, or about today’s devotion, so I/we can pray for you. It would be my honor to do that. I love you sweet friends. God has given me such overwhelming love for each of you!
Thank you sooo much for these words!!! I can still get so stuck in burying hurts and not moving forward behind a wall of defense. Its hard to forgive and forget and move in faith. Thank you for your encouragement! I hope to get a copy of your book, it is not at my local Christian Bookstore yet.
I am dealing with a lot of negativity and expectations that are not being met as a mother. I struggled with infertility for many years and i now have 2 adorable children…but my life as a mother is not how i pictured it. I need God’s help to change my attitude and accept things the way they are…
Thank you for your devotion.
Thank You for sharing your story, blesses me beyond measure. I deal with alot of hurt from my childhood. PRAISE THE LORD with GODS help he I have overcome alot of the pain and it’s made me who I am today. Im special to him he has a plan, each valley we go thru makes us stronger in our walk with JESUS if we allow it too. I always ask myself WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? To be Christ like we must ask ourself this question. JESUS certainly went thru more than any of us have and he did it all for his children. Just thankful I can still say I HAVE BEEN BLESSED.
I’m so overwhelmed with emotion this morning as I read today’s devotion. I realized today that I need so much healing from past events in my life. My childhood was tough, my mother was very strict and believed in strong disicpline and my father was always sick, never really involved ever, and so many other memories that flooded my mind as I continued to read. Renee, I feel as though you are speaking directly to me. So far each devotion is speaking directly to my heart. I thank God for your ministry and I know God brought me to your website for my healing. Thank you for all that you do.
Please enter me to win the books. I really need them!
Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing, Renee. I really am inspired by you.
I know I have a broken heart… I just turned 44 and have never been married – I have always wanted that and to have children, but it has never happened. I feel like a failure… And my work is really stressful- I want to get out of the unhealthy environment– and tried last summer to no avail– so I am left just really feeling trapped and unloved…
But I have a sense of joy in my heart at the same time– God does refresh my soul (Ps 23). And for that I am truly grateful.
God bless you abundantly!
thank you for being real. i really needed this today.
God is so good to His children. He heals us in places we don’t even know we are hurting. Thamks you for all your sharing. It is always good to hear how others have overcome. One can never hear enough testimonies.
I can totally relate to having to forgive your father and struggling with a little girls unrealized dreams of just wanting to be loved. The little girl who never felt her father wanted her is healing in me ever so slowly and your devotions have been a part of that healing, thank you for sharing such intimate parts of your life walk with all of us. May God bless you and your family through this study!
I had similar experiences regarding my earthly father, Renee. God has shown me, just today, that alot of my feelings and emotions and doubts have been caused by those experiences long ago. I asked God to show me what was causing all the “stuff” I was feeling and going through despite having a wonderful husband and marriage. And HE did! I feel like a burden has been lifted off me, just by knowing where it all came from. I had been blaming myself for alot that actually I was just a innocent kid at the time. I’m in the process of releasing all that and getting back on track. I don’t want to lose the wonderful relationship that God has blessed me with. Thanks for your emails as God is surely using you to speak to me!
We serve a Great Bib Wonderful God. It is amazing that he loves us. We just need to be willing to allow the Holy Spirit to dig deep into our hearts to heal the hurt that we all have experienced in our childhood. God can do amazign things with us women if we would allow the Holy S
pirit to do his work of healing in our lives.
Thank you for these devotions. I have struggled trying to be good enough my entire life. I never felt like I measured up because I was the awkward, clumsy child. Even though I know I have accomplished more than most in my circle of life, I still feel the doubt of being good enough. My family was always comparing me to my brother or cousins. My failures, and being told how I wasn’t good enough, caused me to go down the wrong path as a teenager just to gain acceptance. I have done many things I am not proud of, but I know God has brought me through so much so I can help others. Since I was not encouraged as a child, this is what I crave, and I see how to encourage others. God is using my wayward years to recognize the problems others may have, so I can encourage them. We would not doubt ourselves so much, if as a child, we were encouraged. I work with young children in our church and I try so hard to say something positive to them to make them feel good about themselves. You never know…that one small compliment may just be what they need to wipe away their doubts and fears and help them grow to be confident young men and women!
I identify with the anger and unrealistic expectations you experienced toward your husband. I deal with this as well and have never thought about the root of it. I’m going to do as you suggest and take a hard look at things from my past. Thank you for the encouragement to face it.
I love your vision of walking down the driveway, flowers in hand, to wed your prince. I think many of us have that dream. Though I don’t have the same time of father issues that you reference, I do think I’m very hard on men because I expect them all to match up to my father. And that’s just not going to happen. Guess that’s why I’m still single.
Renee, today’s post reminded me of this blog I felt led to write recently entitled, Back to the Future: Rowboats, Timelines, and Goal-Setting … “The Hebrew concept of time is like a person rowing a boat. We see where we have been, we back into the future. I can clearly see that God has been there with me all along. I am not stuck in the past, I am rowing into the future, moving forward, proactive, with my focus, my mindset, on God, who is sovereign. He sees the past, the present, and the future all-at-once. Morning after morning in my quiet time, I bring myself back to the Cross of Christ…as I bow before Him, I experience anew His forgiveness, redemption, mercy, and grace, as I sense His blood dripping over the Crown of Thorns pressed into His brow, onto my heart, covering my sin, and I get up from my knees wearing His Robe of righteousness as I face the day ahead…rowing into the future.”
http://bethwillismiller.blogspot.com/2011/09/back-to-future-rowboats-timelines-and.html …
I am amazed by what only 2 days of this study has done for me. I think of myself as a very confident person, however, I am beginning to realize that maybe my “over confidence” is actually stemmed from “lack of confidence”. I am learning that maybe in running away from things in the past, that I learned to coverup with a false covering of “over confidence”. Thank you for this study as apparently God led me to it in order to “remove the scales” from my eyes.
(Sorry your little one is sick, hope by today that has improved)
This book would be perfect for someone I know who just can not get out of the past.
Thank you Renee.
Renee,
As always, thank you for your transparency. Your devotion spoke to me–I came from a broken childhood home and I have had to grieve the dad I had verses the dad I “expected” to have. Those feelings of fear and abandonment from childhood run deep. Just when I think I have overcome them, more issues surface. I thank the Lord for your ministry.
The Lord led me to Isaiah 43:18-19 recently but I got stuck on the “I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it?” I couldn’t perceive it. I am now starting to get a glimpse of the new thing but self-doubt holds me back.
Thanks Renee – this is something Im struggling with myself and your words are very encouraging!! You are such an inspiration!!
This is something I have really been struggling a lot with lately, stuff that resurfaces from the past and affects my present. Pain from a divorce where my ex choose drugs/alcohol over our marriage. I will be reading chapter 4 in hopes to heal this pain once and for all! I know I need to give it all to GOD! Thank you for your blessings.
Have a number of issues I need to address, this has made me decide to make the time to do it in spite of the pain I will feel. Thank you
Wow! Love your words today. Thanks for the opportunity to win two copies of your book!
Hi Renee. Your blog post spoke right my heart. I have a lot of hurt, regret and pain that I want to resolve so that I can be closer to Jesus, but I haven’t been able to do so. Over the last month, I have talked to God, asking Him how I can get past it all. I have cried on several occasions while in church, as my head lays on my pillow and in the arms of friends as I feel an immense amount of regret for my sins.
I feel regret for the decisions I made and how the present reminds me every day. I will have to do a timeline like you suggested but not until December because my life will be less crazy after the first of the month.
Thank you for your words, your encouragement and sharing your talent of putting words onto paper with us.
It is so great to read this, and to know that I am not alone. I am haunted by a vicious past, but my now is wonderful, and I am strong enough now to lay the past to rest. All I needed were faith, hope and a road map. I really want to get your book, but things are tight, so I admit I am gleaning every bit of info you are posting. I will be starting on my timeline today. Unfortunately mine begins at 2 and a half, when my parents gave me and my twin away because we were too much for them to handle. My adoptive father was physically abusive. So I definitely have a starting place. Say a prayer for me as I undertake this journey, as you have explained it to us. Thanks and God Bless yOu!
Your book sounds like the perfect gift for my friend who is dealing with pain from the past. Thank you for sharing your journey. There are so many who are hurting and yet don’t know how they can “solve” their problems. Thank you for all that you do to encourage us. I will be praying for you and for your family.
It is 4:58 in the morning and today is 10/13/11. I’m 36 wks pregnant, couldn’t sleep so I decided to read my emails. Your devotion from yesterday knocked down the door to my heart. I’m currently dealing with present pain that is connected to past pain that I decided not to deal with due to my prenancy and simply put”I haven’t got time for the pain.” You have blessed me tremendously.
God gives ordinary people the ability to bless others in extraordinary ways.
Thank you, Again
Necole
I am in the process of walking through this with God. Unfortunately my marriage didn’t make it. Pls pray for me becauseas this healing process it’s confusing and painful. The enemy keeps throwing distractions and doubt . I can’t wait to be set free and to begin to walk in peace fulfilling Gods plan for my life. Your book sounds amazing. Thanks for touching me today with hope.
Dear Renee
God is Great! I’ve read your post of the past three days. Thank you so much for the advice/guidance. I am about to get married to a pastor and have had the doubts of “will I be able to make it as a Pastor’s wife, what if I fail, am I worthy of doing such a great job for God ? etc.”
Todays post was just as awesome! Dealing with the hurt and pain of the past so that it does not have an effect on your present.
Thank you so much for being God’s vessel. Much appreciated. God Bless you and your family.
This message couldn’t have come into my inbox at a more perfect time! I read it right after I found out that my ex-boyfriend is on a dating site again – yes, same one we met on 🙁 It wasn’t wise of me to respond to the 10 day free trial email. I think a part of me was curious if he was on there because a friend had mentioned she saw him there.
It hurt a lot when I saw he had 2 different profiles going at the same time and he described himself very different from my experience with him (ofcourse his profile sounded like the kind I would be interested in – wants to become best friends, take things slow…what a bunch of B.S.) He also mentioned something that alluded to me and it was so sad to me that he could misunderstand me so. I feel like explaining myself and helping him believe the “truth” about me, about himself. My adrenaline began pumping, then I felt numb, then I cried. I talked to a friend on messenger and said, I don’t want to deal with this! I felt exactly like what you said in your email, there is a fear that I will fall apart and slip into depression and lose everything – my friendships, my job…my dreams of being a pottery instructor and successful potter.
What hurts a lot is this guy pushed my boundaries sexually, and I was so upset when this first happened that he disrespected me in a “small” way, it happened again and I should have gone with my first reaction and just ran and kept running. It clouded our relationship. He tried to pray to God whether or not we should get married…but I don’t think God was happy with the way we were doing things in our relationship. 🙁
I have a lot of grieving to do. 36 years old, never been married…technically a virgin but really coming close to going over the edge. This guy represented the end to my singleness, loneliness…he disappointed me in many ways.
I am busy, not getting enough sleep at all…working full time, teaching pottery in the evening, making my own pottery to get ready for a sale on the weekend, working on a mom2mom africa project. I really don’t know how to fit processing the past into this busy schedule…and I honestly don’t want to go to counselling any more…I don’t want to deal with stuff and go through the process while my ex-boyfriend goes on to get married to someone else and get his dreams while I’m “processing”. Honestly!
But then, I recognize that I need healing and how can i ignore that God wants to take me through that process? The only good thing right now is that God is speaking to me through your writings and all I know is I needed to let you know that you are on the right track, the Holy Spirit is obviously blessing what you do. I would really appreciate your prayer…I have no idea who to talk to about this (I have talked to God). I’ve been through a break up in the past that didn’t push physical boundaries at all…but the older I get..it’s wearing me down…I’m giving up on myself and giving up on God’s ways of doing things. I do really need help…please pray that God continues to lead me every day and give me wisdom to know what my interaction should be with this ex-boyfriend. 🙁 My heart still hangs on to some kind of hope that we will get back together. 🙁 What foolishness..please pray that God would break the soul ties and help me to not get into a situation like this again.
Thanks for being obedient to the call on your life.
Sincerely,
Sally
Wow! You hit the nail on the head. So many of us still have open gaping wounds from the past. I’ve been there! I got past it, it wasn’t easy. The two keys is forgiveness and praise. Not in that order. Oh sure we know we have to forgive people but how do you do it when they continue to injure you? Praise! Praise God all the day long. For the person for the situation for all of it. The bitterness melts away. Oh sure you will have to have it out with the person, even if it is just in your own mind. But, there is power in the name of Jesus. Hard times with the husband is difficult to swallow. No matter the anger praise God for the wonderful man he brought you. Again even if you don’t feel like it just say it. It changes the other person. It is like saying a prayer for them. No life isn’t a fairytale like when we were kids, but you probably aren’t the dream girl he thought he married either, sobyourveven. Now sit back and enjoy eachothers company and support him and tell him how great he is. Men want to feel good too! And through it all praise God!
Renee, what a post. Forgiveness is something we all need to learn to give but oh how hard it is. I struggle with forgiving when the person who hurt me either has no idea that they hurt me or they don’t understand me when I try to explain how they hurt me. I want to learn how to forgive without feeling like I need that person to acknowledge their part in my hurt.
P31 devotions have taken a backseat to hectic schedule lately.
A still small voice told me to take the time to today’s.
I now need to slow down and read it again. And again.Thank you.
I am struggling with my weight. I was so disappointed and frustrated with myself tonight and had such self-doubt as I once again embark on a diet tomorrow (albeit a healthy one). I came upon your website and read the first chapter of your book….I believe the Lord led me to it! What a breathe of fresh air has been breathed into my heart! I will conquer this weight problem once and for all and not look back at my past failures! Tonight I was given hope. Thank you, Renee.
What a heart felt devotion today
Thank you so much for this devotion today. I am currently dealing with so much pain from my childhood that I had buried deep down but at the same time it is affecting my relationships today. Once again Thank You!
I have realized that I have not gone back and worked thru so many things that have hurt me over the years. I went to Biblical Counseling for our marriage but even that has made me realize that it’s so easy to say we forgive but it’s so hard to forget!
Thank you for your devotion.
I am going through the pain of being misunderstood and feeling my reputation is shredded. This is the place where I have to give these negative feelings and sense of abandonment to the Lord who will be my shelter in this storm of depression and defeat. It was good to hear your words of healing. I need to let go and receive the healing from a torn relationship that only the Holy Spirit can offer to me. Thank you for your words of wisdom that lifts me up and leads me to focus on the precious Lord Jesus.
Wow…God works in some awesome ways… This whole devotion is screaming out at me… I couldn’tho figure out why I was so unhappy and walked around hurt and confused… I thought all the stuff from my past was just my past… But while reading this devotional tears fell uncontrollably and I quickly realized the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart making me see that I have to go back…. I have to let God heal my hurt and put together all the broken pieces.. I have to let go of the unrealistic expectations I have put on my husband.. I have to forgive my father… I also need to forgive myself.. I won’t give up…this past weekend was an emotional mess, completely my fault… I really just wanted to walk away.. I felt like everyone had abandoned me, even God… How very thankful I am for this devotional today. I need to make getting your book a priority…In the meanwhile I will be making a time line of my past! God Bless You! I pray your little one is feeling better, it can be rough…I have 5 of my own.
God is so good! Bless you for your testimony. Jesus surely came to heal the brokenhearted! He still does, doesn’t He. When I have trials it helps me to remember that the people in my life are not my enemy. Satan is the only enemy we have. … and he is a looser. Praise Jesus!
Renee, between, you, Lysa and Mary Beth, I think you reach into every dark or hurting place in my life…I am so thankful to have come to “know you ” a bit through your honest and vulnerable ministry. Between your broken little girl dreams and Lysa’s twirling hoping for acceptance… is me… the Pollyanna dreamer… always waiting for her prince to come and rescue her. Except I have always looked to men and abusive men at that. I did not feel worthy of someone who would respect me. And I didn’t realize that the Prince I really needed was the Prince of Peace until recently … and today I turned 54. So much healing to be done.I feel like I am sifting through the “archaeological dig” of my life trying to find the treasures … if there are any… and trying to figure out what to do with the “trash” which would be most of it. Forgiveness is essential I know but it is a lot longer process than I ever knew. For awhile I kept hoping I would wake up one day and “poof” … the fairy dust would make the pain go away and the forgiveness complete. I thank God for the three of you. You have helped me survive the last several years of my life with your openness and vulnerability. Praise God for you.
Dear Renee,
I just want yuu to know what a blessing your 7 day diet has been to me. I often lack confidence in my self and my abilities. I know that God wants to give us hope and a future. I truly plan to buy your book. I am excited about the opportunity God has created in my life. Thank you for your prayers as I will pray for you as well. God is our refuge and our strength. Blessings to you and your family.
God has been healing me of some past hurts as well. Thanks for sharing!
I can relate to what you shared, Renee.
Things are piling up on me and I have allowed those things to interfere with my relationship with the Lord. I asked the Lord to find me a devotion that would help me and low and behold, I found your devotion page which led me to your site. What a blessing it was for me to see someone dealing with the same issues I have. God never ceases to amaze me as to when we reach for Him, he always helps us! God bless you !
oh my gosh Renee, that picture of you with a white and red dress or top on..When I scrolled down that picture was up and I thought I was looking at me and wondering how I got on this site..Very scary,but in a good way..I can’t believe how much we looked alike when we were kids… I love you and I am enjoying and learning soo much from your book. Thank you soo much for all you do.
I appreciate you sharing your heart. It is encouraging to know that my heavenly Father does not want me stuck in the hurt of my past, but wants to heal me. I just need to give it all to Him. We don’t even realize how far our pain touches others, as well as our healing. Thank you for sharing how your healing, changed you and your marriage. God bless you!
Ouch! The bandaid on my life has been ripped off and the festering wound exposed to fresh air so that it can continue the healing process. It’s interesting to me how, often times, we look for husbands who resemble our fathers, which then can lead to similar hurt and heartache that we experienced as children. So what’s different? What has changed from dealing with an issue from a daughter/father standpoint vs a wife/husband standpoint? We are allowed to speak into our own life. We have seen more, experienced more, learned more, become a more confident child of God. I grew up where children were seen, not heard, so speaking my feelings about a situation, an injustice was intolerable. And that’s what is ingrained in me. When I see an injustice in my marriage, a situation that just doesn’t seem right, I revert to childhood coping methods, instead of developing new, more mature ones. So, my inclination was to sweep something under the rug….until I read your post. Now, I will confront the injustice, because I am the daughter of the almighty King; the God most high; the Father of the universe!
Thank you for the truth and wisdom!
Thanks for revealing your honest emotions. Like Helen M., I was also raised in a good, solid Christian home and I’ve been married to my childhood sweetheart and best friend for over 30 years. My doubts come from within myself. Currently I’ve been dealing with an issue over the last 10 years that doesn’t look like it will end anytime soon. The Lord has assured me that He is in control and I’m just waiting on His timing. However, I’m sure at some point this will become the issue of my past that I will have to face and confront.
I like what you said; would love to win a copy of the book to learn more. Thanks.