When I was in elementary school, I used to make bouquets out of azaleas and walk down the aisle of my dad’s long driveway lined with magnolia trees, imagining a prince waiting for me on the porch. Those were little girl dreams I thought I’d left behind.
In my devotion “I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain,” featured today at P31, I shared about struggles I had years ago with anger and unrealistic expectations towards my husband. One day God showed me that my broken dreams had become bitter expectations taking root in my heart: I wanted my husband to make up for all that my dad had never been, and it was destroying my marriage.
God showed me that I needed to forgive my father and release my feelings of bitterness, abandonment and disappointment, and invite Him into those hurting places. Only He could bind up my broken heart and set me free from the fear of never have a happy ending.
As I released my grip, God began to heal my heart and my marriage. It was the beginning of a bigger work He was doing in my life. He walked me through a season of looking back so I could move forward, and used that time to “rebuild [my] ancient ruins and restore the [broken] places [in my heart that had been] long devastated” (Isa. 61:4).
During that time, I realized there were several areas of my life that needed restoration. I decided to write out a timeline of my life and asked the Holy Spirit , whom Jesus referred to as our Counselor, to help me see the wounds I had buried in my past.
With each wound, I asked Jesus to heal the pain and claimed Isaiah 51:3, “The Lord will surely comfort [me] and will look with compassion on all [my] ruins; he will make [my] deserts like Eden, [my] wastelands like the garden of the Lord.”
Over time I started to release the pain of rejection, shame, wounds and deep disappointments. Although I knew God wanted me to deal with my past, I also knew God did not want me to dwell in the past. He would speak through His word, reminding me again and again, See, Renee, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you see it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland (Isa. 43:18–19).
Forgiving each person who’d hurt me wasn’t easy but it was essential. Often we are afraid to forgive because it might open us up to be hurt again. Or we’re afraid to deal with it, so we just leave it buried. But any time we bury a hurt that’s still alive, it just rises from the dead to haunt us.
In Ephesians 4, the Bible tells us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love… forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (vv. 2, 32). Forgiveness was demonstrated on a cross where Jesus displayed His perfect love by dying for imperfect people. At Calvary, Jesus laid down His pain and hurt and chose love and forgiveness instead. His forgiveness frees us to forgive others and ourselves.
Of course, some things are much harder and take more time to forgive than others. When I am really having a hard time forgiving or finding healing from a deep wound, I ask Jesus to cover my wounds with His blood. As Scripture tells us:
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding . . . he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Eph. 1:7–8; Isa. 53:5)
As I shared in my devotion, we can’t go back and change the circumstances or relationships that have wounded us, but we can go back and process the pain with Jesus. In fact, we won’t completely heal until we do. And left unresolved, the pain from yesterday can keep us from experiencing all that God has for us today and tomorrow.
As you process pain from your past that you have carried into your future. consider making a timeline of your life with key events, and write down any painful emotions and memories. Then ask the Holy Spirit to remind you where you have been, what those events caused, how far from God those things took you, and how they hurt you and others.
Invite God to enter into those memories with you. Give yourself time to grieve your losses as you ask Jesus to heal them with the power of His Holy Spirit as you focus your thoughts on transforming truths in His Word. As He shows you broken places, ask Him to bind up every wound with His healing touch and set you free from any captivity that has held you until now. Pray His promises. Cry if you need to. Just please take time, sweet friend, to heal so you can be whole again.
* If this is an area of your life you sense God leading you to dig deeper into, more about this part of my journey and this topic are in chapter 4 of A Confident Heart,
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I’m giving away 2 copies, A Confident Heart today. Just leave your name or a comment to enter by clicking on “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Also, I invite you to share your thoughts about this post, or about today’s devotion, so I/we can pray for you. It would be my honor to do that. I love you sweet friends. God has given me such overwhelming love for each of you!
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Growing up in a home where my father was not always present and when there, there was “too much” drinking and then “fighting” between him and my mother. He passed in 1998 and I feel I forgave him, but now I wonder if the difficulty I have in communicating with my Heavenly Father is a result of the past relationship with my earthly father. Could the past be the reason why I continue in a marriage that does not bring me joy (27 years). Seeking God more for guidance.
I need to look back to a time of bitterness and anger that resurfaces when I least expect it. I don’t want it to affect my marriage or relationships with family or friends. It’s mostly not a problem, but I don’t want it to have any affect at all!
All of my life, I’ve always been the stable, reliable one. Everyone comes to me with their problems. They know that I will help. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have problems. Trust me, I do. But in trying to take care of everyone else, I’ve shoved my issues aside. Not a good plan. I’m tired of hurting. I want hope and healing, but I don’t really know where to start.
I can relate to how you are feeling kate. Everyone comes to me too, but when it comes to me and my problems, seems like no one wants to listen, EXCEPT, the most important one of all….our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You are in my prayers.
Your devotional today really touched me. I have so much pain in my past that I am afraid to deal with because I have so many other “present” struggles that I don’t have time to fall apart. Thank you for your words and the wisdom that God has revealed through you. I pray that I will find the strength to begin to deal with the past so I can move forward.
Beautiful! I’m amazed at how often we doubt God’s ability to heal even the most broken things. He can and He will, if we allow Him to! Thank you for sharing!
I truly believe your P31 devotional was HIM speaking to me, trying once again to get my attention and this time it was a hammer breaking down my walls of anger and resentment. Is that anger and resentment still there…yes, but I believe I’m more open to seek the tools, such as your new book, to finally look at my past and what I need to deal with to resolve many of my issues and give myself, my marriage and God another chance to work everything out. I’ve been running far too long in any direction other than God’s, trying to justify my actions and behavior, feeling like God wasn’t there, but not facing the fact that it is my fear that is keeping me away from Him and that much needed peace. Thank you for your devotional Renee…
I am so amazed how God always puts things in my life right when I need them. I have been having a very difficult time lately and I know it’s from past hurts. I’ve had counselling for years and I’ve prayed about many things. I find it so frustrating that things always creep back in. I have been so frustrated at thinking I have to “take the time” to heal more…. But your email today was very encouraging and I am definitely going to be picking up a copy of your book. I am so thankful to you for listening to Christ and sharing your pain and your situation..It was just what the dr. ordered today.
Blessings to you.
Thank you for sharing your heart through the pain that you’ve walked through! I’m not unfamiliar with this process, but I did need to hear what you said(or more accurately, what God said through you). I am signed up for the online bible study, but haven’t kept up. I’ve done the 7-day doubt diet, but think I need to do it again. Again, thank you so much for your obedience to Christ!
I am praying for you and your daughter Aster. I am praying for healing, strength, understanding and peace. Thank you for you devotion . I like the AM and FM thoughts. I never viewed my thoughts in that way and that truly spoke to my heart. I can easily apply that to my busy life .. mother of 4, working mom, servant, helper, problem solver, chef and judge… the list goes on and on. My best devotion time is behind the wheel while traveling to work listening to my favorite christian radio station and my loved talks with God. I will truly apply the FM thoughts and remember God’s truth to apply them to my day. I ask for prayer for our family finances. I cling to God’s truth Jeremiah 29:11
I have suffered from depression for many years. I am fighting so hard to overcome it. I have been reading lately that depression stems from repressed anger, possibly from my childhood. I was raised in a Christian home and in a very functional family. But I don’t remember alot about my childhood. I have been divorced for almost 7 years, and was in that marriage for 17 years. My husband was a Christian, but I suffered alot of emotional abuse from him and his mother. And then 3 years ago I lost a child custody battle because my 2 daughters wanted to live with their dad. Up until September, I had been dating a guy for almost 2 years, but he had been cheating on me since March, but trying to hold on to both of us, and I had allowed it. But for the past 3 months I have had anger and rage just bubbling up. I have changed my antidepressant and I am seeing a psychotherapist. I have done Mary Southerland’s Bible Study on “How to Handle Hurt.” I am taking her advice and trying to keep my nose in the scriptures. I feel like I have forgiven and have a forgiving spirit. But I can’t seem to shake this depression. I would love to read your book so I can better understand how to bring the pain forward, and how to deal with it, and get on the other side of it. I pray continuously for healing, and for God to fill me with His peace and joy. I covet your prayers too. Thank you so much for being used by God.
WOW! I thought I was alone in the feelings I have! Thank you Renee for sharing. I’m still dealing with the hurts of my past. God is revealing them to me one at a time. How faithful our God is that He does carry us through. My marriage is on the brink of breaking up. The addictions my husband has and the fact he doesn’t want to recognize them along with the hurts from his past he drinks away has me wanting to walk out. I’m being encouraged to stay and let God work on him. I’m just not sure how much pain I am to endure through this process. Please pray for my faith in God’s plan for me and my marriage. Thank you Renee, for sharing your life and your faith.
May God bless you richly!
Renee
I have never visited your site or Crosswalk before. I regularly have daily devotions but use my church’s suggested scripture readings or a devotional book that I have in my home. This morning I was lead to look for an electronic devotional. I literally googled daily biblical devotions and chose the Crosswalk site.
As I read the devotion, I could not believe what I was reading. Your story sounded so much like mine. I have been married for 24 years and there has been hurt and pain. The hurt and pain has turned into bitterness and I too am very controlling and critical of my husband. While growing up, both my husband and I discussed many things about our childhood that bothered us. We talked about mistakes that our parents had made and how we did not want to make them. I was certain that we would have a” happily ever after” since we knew what to avoid. Well, that did not happen and as crazy as it sounds, I realize after reading the devotion this morning that I resent him for not making my “fairy tale” come true.
I have contemplated leaving many times and plan on doing so after our child graduates high school this year, because I just cannot seem to shake these angry and bitter feelings. I have trusted God on many things in my life, but cannot seem to give this totally to Him and know that both myself and the marriage can be healed. Please lift me up in prayer that I may totally give this over to God and receive His healing power. Thank you for the inspirationall devotion!
Wow! As I’m between clients and the drives of work, I got ‘my’ time to read today’s encouagement. Then, I read all of the well deserving women’s comments who definitely qualify to receive a free copy of your book! I just wanted to say thank you for writing! I have too had a lack of an earthly father, and have made plenty of poor relationship choices. I will say however that God is good and He works in our lives through such ways as this post today. He has been a heavenly Father to me by helping me through the pain. Thanks again! I look forward to reading your book. Many Blessings!
I always find your entries so encouraging. I struggle with my own doubts daily, and my best friend struggles with skepticism. I think your book could really help us.
Thank you for this right-on-time devotional today, Renee! I was praying on my way in to work this morning and God answered with your words. 🙂 This pain comes from my past, yes, deep-rooted issues of my upbringing and also hurts and insecurities along the way. And I have brought that into my almost 15 year marriage and boy is it suffering. Your words of trying to control and a critical spirit toward my husband pierced me as that is totally me – ouch…but THANKS!
Blessings to you, your ministry and your encouraging, challenging, and Spirit-led words to those you touch!
Just this morning, I sent my husband a message saying I didn’t think he loved me anymore. In fact, I find it hard to believe that anyone really loves me. My whole life I have struggled with the fact that my father willingly allowed my step-father to adopt me so that he could get out of paying child support. Wow, I’m now still stuck in my ten-year-old heart…knowing that my daddy put a price tag on me! My step-father never ever treated me anything differently than his very own, but I’ve struggled all these years with the pain of not being wanted by who every young girl needs. I’ve struggled with the fact that my mom does not want me to have anything to do with my biological father and the burning desire to establish some sort of relationship with him. Against my mother’s wishes, I did try to have a relationship with him. Unfortunately, it’s not in him to give me what I need and here I am at 42, still wanting what that 10 year old little girl still grieves for.
So when I read your devotion on Proverbs 31 today, it went straight to my heart. I don’t know if I can let myself heal. But I know if I don’t I’m never going to feel whole and maybe that is what I’m afraid of. I don’t know what feeling whole might mean for me and sometimes I feel as though God doesn’t hear me when I pray, because I’m not worthy. But reading your words have given me hope and I will be trying to heal these old wounds…and trying to trust in my Father to help me grieve and then heal. Thank you so much for your words, you have no idea how they have impacted me this morning.
Hi. Thank you for your post today. I too suffer from a hurtful past, alcoholic father and uncaring mother. I was married at 20 and then realized that he to was an alcoholic. We are coming up on 23 years, and he is coming up on 12 years of sobriety. I still struggle with everything in your post. I too have asked God to come in, heal and cover up the hurt, but it all still comes back. Please pray for me.
I can’t believe what I’m reading here. All these comments show me how I am “not alone” in what I’m going through. I have “sisters” who are hurting, just like me. Struggling with the same hurts and disapointments as I have been. Thank you all for your openness and honesty. I am just at the beginning of my healing and it’s a frightening place to be, but I’ll trust in the Lord to hold onto me while I walk this healing road.
I feel as though God Himself just spoke directly to me.
God bless you all!
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s encouraging to hear how you and others have experienced God’s healing touch. I hope that day will come for me someday. As I continue to struggle through my second year of counselling, I know it’s the right thing, even though everything within me fights against it. I experienced horrific sexual abuse as a child, a violent rape by a co-worker at the age of 23, Christian parents who expected their daughter to be perfect and were oblivious about everything else that was going on. I became a master at burying my pain and disguising my life. I lost my self in the process. It wasn’t even until a couple of years ago that I told anyone about the abuse and rape and I am now in my late 30’s. I’ve suffered depression since the age of 6, several suicide attempts, past eating disorders and now panic attacks, anxiety and flashbacks as I try to continue on this healing journey. I so often want to quit but know deep within that I can’t stop now. I’ve come too far. I have a loving husband, 3 beautiful children and a future worth fighting for. Some days though, it’s just so hard to face the past again when all I want to do is bury it deeper. There is so much pent up emotion, so much anger towards God, so many questions, so much hurt. One day though, soon I hope, I know, I KNOW this healing will be complete and I will rest in the palm of my Father’s hand. He’s never let me go.
Would you please pray for me?
Oh how your devotional hit deep within my heart today! Last night was one of the many times that I looked to my husband to “fix” my pain! I was so angry for something that my husband has done in the past and continues to do even though he knows it is destructive to my confidence. I held my tongue and didn’t say anything to him, because I knew it was pointless. He would say I was hormonal…and I probably am! But instead I prayed. I asked God to help me figure out how to handle my feelings of “never being good enough”, and “he (being my husband) wants me to look like the women in the emails and texts”. His Holy Spirit spoke to me so gently, the way He always does, and said, “yes, your husband does have a problem with pornography, but you can’t change him. You can only change how you respond. Sweet daughter, you have got to realize your husband doesn’t define you, only God defines you.”
It comforted me…sort of…My dad was never there and when he was, I was still “never good enough”. I was too fat, or he would compare me to other daughters of friends of his. When will I be complete? When will the pain end? It isn’t everyday, but when I forget about how God loves me, I allow Satan’s lies to crush my spirit.
I know hearing God say that only He defines me should make it all better, but it still hurts deep in my soul. I continued this morning to pray that God would help heal my empty places in my heart, that were started also when I was a young girl.
AND THERE YOU WERE! IN MY INBOX! I know God placed your devotion there especially for me! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your pain. You are an amazing woman and I want to thank you for listening to our Heavenly Father. The perfect Father!