When I was in elementary school, I used to make bouquets out of azaleas and walk down the aisle of my dad’s long driveway lined with magnolia trees, imagining a prince waiting for me on the porch. Those were little girl dreams I thought I’d left behind.
In my devotion “I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain,” featured today at P31, I shared about struggles I had years ago with anger and unrealistic expectations towards my husband. One day God showed me that my broken dreams had become bitter expectations taking root in my heart: I wanted my husband to make up for all that my dad had never been, and it was destroying my marriage.
God showed me that I needed to forgive my father and release my feelings of bitterness, abandonment and disappointment, and invite Him into those hurting places. Only He could bind up my broken heart and set me free from the fear of never have a happy ending.
As I released my grip, God began to heal my heart and my marriage. It was the beginning of a bigger work He was doing in my life. He walked me through a season of looking back so I could move forward, and used that time to “rebuild [my] ancient ruins and restore the [broken] places [in my heart that had been] long devastated” (Isa. 61:4).
During that time, I realized there were several areas of my life that needed restoration. I decided to write out a timeline of my life and asked the Holy Spirit , whom Jesus referred to as our Counselor, to help me see the wounds I had buried in my past.
With each wound, I asked Jesus to heal the pain and claimed Isaiah 51:3, “The Lord will surely comfort [me] and will look with compassion on all [my] ruins; he will make [my] deserts like Eden, [my] wastelands like the garden of the Lord.”
Over time I started to release the pain of rejection, shame, wounds and deep disappointments. Although I knew God wanted me to deal with my past, I also knew God did not want me to dwell in the past. He would speak through His word, reminding me again and again, See, Renee, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you see it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland (Isa. 43:18–19).
Forgiving each person who’d hurt me wasn’t easy but it was essential. Often we are afraid to forgive because it might open us up to be hurt again. Or we’re afraid to deal with it, so we just leave it buried. But any time we bury a hurt that’s still alive, it just rises from the dead to haunt us.
In Ephesians 4, the Bible tells us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love… forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (vv. 2, 32). Forgiveness was demonstrated on a cross where Jesus displayed His perfect love by dying for imperfect people. At Calvary, Jesus laid down His pain and hurt and chose love and forgiveness instead. His forgiveness frees us to forgive others and ourselves.
Of course, some things are much harder and take more time to forgive than others. When I am really having a hard time forgiving or finding healing from a deep wound, I ask Jesus to cover my wounds with His blood. As Scripture tells us:
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding . . . he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Eph. 1:7–8; Isa. 53:5)
As I shared in my devotion, we can’t go back and change the circumstances or relationships that have wounded us, but we can go back and process the pain with Jesus. In fact, we won’t completely heal until we do. And left unresolved, the pain from yesterday can keep us from experiencing all that God has for us today and tomorrow.
As you process pain from your past that you have carried into your future. consider making a timeline of your life with key events, and write down any painful emotions and memories. Then ask the Holy Spirit to remind you where you have been, what those events caused, how far from God those things took you, and how they hurt you and others.
Invite God to enter into those memories with you. Give yourself time to grieve your losses as you ask Jesus to heal them with the power of His Holy Spirit as you focus your thoughts on transforming truths in His Word. As He shows you broken places, ask Him to bind up every wound with His healing touch and set you free from any captivity that has held you until now. Pray His promises. Cry if you need to. Just please take time, sweet friend, to heal so you can be whole again.
* If this is an area of your life you sense God leading you to dig deeper into, more about this part of my journey and this topic are in chapter 4 of A Confident Heart,
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I’m giving away 2 copies, A Confident Heart today. Just leave your name or a comment to enter by clicking on “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Also, I invite you to share your thoughts about this post, or about today’s devotion, so I/we can pray for you. It would be my honor to do that. I love you sweet friends. God has given me such overwhelming love for each of you!
This was an eye opener cause i have been struggling with my marriage for 5yrs now. I have been so hurt and rebellious for so long that i dont kknow how to go on without thinking somebody is trying to hurt me or discriminate me. I always turn to God. I guess i am stubborn,, I need help but from where Its so hard to trust….
Your devotion pierced through my heart and soul today. It was spoken from inside my deepest repressed thoughts after 48yrs of life and 24yrs of marriage. I have experienced an indescribable spiritual awakening to KNOW Christ and feel Him within me now. I fervently pray and ask you to as well that the Holy Spirit embraces my husband as well..since he has filed for divorce.
I love how God speaks to us through others. In your devotion today it was as if you were writing about a chapter from my own life or a storm I am currently going through. A question was recently asked of me “If great things come from seeking God in your suffering, would you stop it to ease the pain?” Wow! As painful as the healing process is, my experiences and trials will not be wasted, I look forward as to how God will use them to fulfill His(not my) purpose for my life.
Wow! There is so much pain and hurt out there. I intended to write about my “issues”, but reconsidered after reading many of the previous posts. My troubles pail in comparison. I will lift a prayer for all of you on this board. I recommend you all read Paul’s thoughts and Christ’s words found in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
Thank you for your devotion today. I have been struggling with dealing with issues of the past that are impacting the present. I have to confess to feeling less than enthusiastic about dealing with anything. God is probably looking at me and shaking His head at my rebellious, stubborn streak. While I am tired of hurting, I’m afraid too of moving forward. I can’t fall apart.
You have struck a nerve in me. Everytime I read a post it is like a word from God that I needed to hear right then. I am going to start a small group study on this book because I know I am not the only one that have this issue. Thank-you for all that you write!!
Thanks for all the devotions.
Thank you Renee. I have really needed the messages you have shared. Also the comments have been great! I am unable to open up here yet…but one day..god willing:). Thanks (Am praying for your family and little one!)
Renee,
Thank you so much for the devotions you write. They have a way of really helping me look at all that I need to be addressing in my life. And realizing that I do have to look back so that I can move forward from the mess of my life today is an eye opener. It’s not bad enough that I am having to try and figure out how to let go of the pain of divorce after nearly 30 years, I am seeing that I need to first deal with some things that have been around my entire life. Even though there were extremely painful events in my childhood, I have realized that my way of coping was to just pretend they weren’t there, when in reality I think I have felt the pain from those hurts every minute of every day.
Lots of praying to do as I know that right now, that is all that is going to get me to the other side of this pain I am in right now.
Thank you and God bless you!!!
Renee, first let me take the time to thank u for you and your teams faithfulness and obedience. Without you I don’t know where I would be. You have helped me get through so many thing regarding my weight and how I see myself. But today was a total lightbulb no spot light day. My husband had an affair on me 3 years ago. It has been a struggle for forgiveness. Forgiving him as well as myself for not doing the things I neede to to meet his need. After reading your devotion I said to myself ” I thought God went through everything we have been through” he didn’t have sex and get cheated on. Then that’s when the spotlite hit me. He did! He got betrayed He had all those feelings I had and yet forgave all. This might seem obvious to most but this is such a huge moment in my walk toward forgiveness. Thank you again
Renee
My father died in 1986 I and not forgiven him they he treated my mother. I still see a picture in my mind of him with a knife at her neck. Why can’t I forgive him? This happened in my ealry 20’s and I am now is my 60’s. I want to forgive him before it’s too late. I love your website.
I forgive past hurts, but they still hold me captive to setting patterns for the present. Don’t know “how” to get free of that.
Hi Jean – I have been there. Paul in Phil. encourages us to put the past behind, and reach for the goal Christ has set before us.
I read a book several years a go by Katie Brazelton “Pathway to Purpose for Women”, the second chapter deals with putting the past behind. A Life Purpose Coach can help walk you through this. A Holy Spirit led process. You are welcome to email me.
It’s Christ who sets us free, then and only then are we free, indeed.
Dianne
After reading your devotion this morning, I immediately posted a link on my facebook page… you’re transparent honesty is such a blessing… thank you for doing what you do and encouraging so many women with the hope that is only found in Christ.
Always look forward to reading what you have to share.
Thanks again,
Nicole
Renee:
Thank you so much for your honesty & transparency! I can relate & identify with a lot of what you shared today. I have worked through a lot of my childhood wounds, but there are still more to work through. Thank you for helping me identify some of my struggles within my marriage. I appreciate you!
Thank you for sharing this.. It is right where I am!!
this devotion it seems looked right into the heart of all my problems. I didn’t deserve the physical and mental abuse, which has really ruined my life emotionaly and medically. My dad made me feel like it was all my fault and no one could love me, I wasn’t worthy. I know it was him and not me, but I didn’t learn any other way, and it has been a constant struggle with depression. I thank God that my husband of 20 1/2 years has been very patient with me and God has given me such a loving gentle man. I feel like I’m stuck. thank you for your devotion, it has opened my eyes.
Thank you for sharing your God Story, God is really working in my heart about these things
God is good…thank you for the right words at the right time. Your words and insights have brought me so far in my healing. My father left when I was just an infant. My mom was absent due to trying to care for my sister and I. Until recently I had this overwhelming abandoned feeling. Through the words in this book I have come to realize that the Father never abandoned me… He has been with me all along and He will be with me forever. God bless everyone going through this discovery process. Thanks be to God.
this was soooo freakishly accurate to my life. i just kept going oh my gosh over and over and over again. i dont even have a boyfriend but most of the time i dont want god to fix me right now because i know how painful it will be dealing with the healing from the pain my father has caused me and my family. i need it healed though cuz God can do amazing things! im so on fire after reading this! thanks so much!
Hi and Thank You for this helpful post! I really do appreciate the openess and being real .Sometimes I think Im the only one having all these problems. Praising God for you .
Oh Renee,
I never realized! I never knew the reason I do the things I do or feel the way I feel. I know now what has been happening and it is exactly like your story. Please pray for me and my family and my marriage. I’m going to have my husband read this devotional and my family too and maybe theyll understand me a little better, then I’m going to ask them to forgive me.
This devotion today was exactly what I needed to hear and read. I had a bad marriage that ended in DV and I almost didn’t survive, but by the Grace of God I am here today.
I am also a Pastor with my new husband of 17 years and we have a small missional church. We reach out to the “Undesirables” of our community. We are a church who help love people back to Christ and they are the ones that people walk around like the injured man in the Bible whom people walked around.
I will share this with a few of my ladies in our Women’s Bible study, I sure hope that they will realize that we are all on a learning curve and that they are special and they are worthy to be loved.
Thanks again.
I really enjoyed your devotional today, and it came at the right time because I have had something from my past thurst upon me and all the bad memories came back in full force. Reading your words gave me the encouragement that I need to face the memories that I have pushed down inside for so long and let God perform the healing in me. Thank you, or should I say thank you God for using you, Renee to get the message to me.
I am amazed at how many readers have experienced the same type of situations in their lives. Satan would have us to believe that we are the only ones going through these issues, but Praise God!, we are not alone. Thank you Renee for sharing your stories and following where God leads you.
Today’s devotional was exceptionally encouraging to me today. I have been feeling a bit down this morning before I saw today’s devotional. I never thought of writing a letter of forgiveness, which I will never mail of course, to my biological father. He rejected me before I was even born. I am hoping to experience some inner heart healing as I dig deep to write this letter. I want to be totally free from the pains of rejection from my biological father and my ex-husband that are buried deep down. The crusty dried up callous part of this pain seems to be sticking out to the surface. I believe this “sticking out part” is partly responsible for occasional re-hurting experiences in my life. Please keep me in your prayers.
Thanks for praying.
I just read the Becoming the Real Mean from May 18th. I like to go back and read through some and this hit me today right in the gut. Lately, I have been right there wondering what my purpose is and the passage Psalm 139:13 really hit me over the head that God took the time to form me for his purpose. I pray that I don’t waste it by not listening to the plans He has for me. Thank you for your insights and calling each of us to be more Godly women.
I am so glad I read this today. It sums up perfectly what I had been dealing with, and rather badly at that. I know I need to take the time to process, let go and be able to move forward to be the kind of person I should be. Realizing I have unrealistic and bitter expectations of others, and that when things happen, I took the blame, but inside thought, there must be something wrong with me, and didn’t deal with it by denying and avoiding and pushing people to the limit. . And there it is, but it’s a daily process, and when I let go of the unrealistic and bitter expectations I can accept others and myself for who we are with hope and gladness. A daily process, but one I am trying to make. And there have been successes, and even failures, but to keep moving forward. That is life. This is my journey.
Your post today was so inspiring for me. I am in tremendous pain from a troubled marriage. The pain is so deep that I have so many sad days filled with self-doubt, anger and fear that God is not listening. Your post led me to follow your website and the free resources were even more encouraging and the reminder I needed that I have to let God take over. I have never posted on a blog in my life but your words today brought me some peace and clarity and also hope. I pray that I can sustain this clarity and strength in my dark moments when I tune into the AM station. I believe that your post today was a message to me and an answer to my prayers. Thank you for your ministry.
Thank you so much for your devotion today. It is exactly what I needed. Thank you for sharing your life so the Holy Spirit could use it to pierce my heart. I come from a broken family. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 10. My Dad was not around alot. He came in and out of lives. My Mom remarried and I was abused by my Step Father. I got married at age 18 and had my daughter at age 20. That marriage ended in divorce and I am now remarried. I have been married now for 20 years. We have had a very rocky marriage but the Lord has healed many things and kept us together. I have really realized today how bitter I am about several issues and that I have really not dealt with them even thought I had thougt that I had. I need to ask my husband to forgive me for trying to change him and not allowing God to do that. Also for expecting the happily ever after that I was so set on and not being thankful for who God is and what He has done in my life. I have stuffed alot of things that keep coming back up. I have been bitter about alot of things. I never really realized until today. Please pray with me that the Lord will take away the bitterness and help me to be thankful for what He has given me and not always expect more.
So many of us are going through so much pain. Some of us have healed already. Some of us are still on the journey. I watched the movie couragous this past weekend. One of the lines from the movie which sticks out in my memories is “It is like having your leg amputated. It heals but you are never the same again.” I pray that all our pains will be healed one day. The Lord loves us even with our amputated leg. My sisters and I may never stop greieving the loss of that leg. I know that we cannot forget that we are missing that leg now. But with the grace of the Lord I hope we can forgive who ever is responsible for the missing leg. And in our forgiveness may we find peace and a new found joy.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I can relate to having a broken childhood. The pain and past are excess baggage that you haul around, weighing you down, but not really paying attention to that baggage. Soon that baggage becomes so heavy you can hardly function, if at all. You seek someone else to carry it for you, only to find they are unable to lift it. You hear God calling, but it’s too painful, and you REALLY don’t want to go there. Besides, you’d been there before, so why go back? For any of you reading this, it is so worth the journey to go with God and release that baggage you’ve toted around. Excess baggage is sin your hanging on to, damaging sin that continues to fester. Let it go, take that journey with God as your guide, He will heal you. You will not only forgive, you will feel a freedom like you have never felt before. A feeling so wonderful there are no words to express it. You see, my brother molested me when I was 7. I carried my baggage for 17 years. Don’t make the same mistake, forgiving heals all hurts. Psalm 91:4
Beautiful message Renee. I thank God for being all knowing, all seeing and ever directing my footsteps (in this case, my fingertips as I typed up this message from my inbox). My sister and I are going thru a true awakening period and I hadn’t finished reading the 2nd paragraph when I hit the forward button because I knew you were about to bring a Word from the Lord and an answer to our prayers. We have been an encouragement to each other as we push through to what we know will be a testament to how good and true God is. Crosswalk for women has a message today about being the “secret of the Lord” and sharing with us in such an intimate way surely fits in the definition of what that means. Thank you for being obedient to God’s calling in our lives.
This blog has been a God-send for me. I have so much anxiety in my life that there are days when your blog as well as Lysa’s and P31 are the only things that keep me from breaking down. Your encouraging word, spirit, outlook, and attitude are amazing and truly an inspiration. You are an amazing woman. I hope one day that I am able to love myself as much and as strongly as you do. Renee, please keep up all the positive work you do. Because of your encouragement, I am feeling more and more empowered each and every day. Thank you so much!
Today’s Proverbs 31 devotional really touched me! At 17, I took childhood hurts into a marriage with an emotionally abusive young man who had brought in a lot of hurts of his own. We ended in divorce but though a lot of counceling God has done amazing things in my life. While reading your devotion today I realized you were describing my second daughter & I realized that my marriage had effected her & she is trying to fix or re-live things in her marriage that she missed from her childhood. Thanks for sharing in such a transparent way, now that we see the problem we can start praying for healing and restoration from our wonderful Lord and Savior. May God continue to use and bless you!
I hope your daughter feels better soon, it’s no fun to have sick kiddos. I’ll say a special prayer for her. I have struggled with not letting go of negative things that have been said about me in the past. I try to forget them, but thru continually come back to drag me down. Thank you for your devotions – I always enjoy reading them – you truly have a gift from God.
God bless,
Emily
Thank you for today’s devotional. A weekend with my husband in counseling for 3 days and rather than dealing with us as a couple he felt led to deal with us as individuals. Your devotional hits my heart issue on the head! I have to work through the past and not sure how I would but with your testimony, I’ve been given a starting point. Thank you!
Renee,
I first saw you at the She Speaks Conference this summer. I attended the conference with my Pastor’s wife. I took the writing part and she was in the ministry. We heard you speak and immediatetly looked at one another and said your book is definitely what we want for our next Bible study. We just finished chapters seven and eight. It has been such a success that we have had to break up into two classes. I am also doing your Seven Day Doubt Diet. It seems you and your book came into my life at just the right time. Several weeks ago I had major surgery and have not healed as well as I anticipated. It set me into a tail spin of self-doubt and worry. I have gone through many struggles during my life time and have been encouraged to write about them in hopes of helping others. During my recovery I became very depressed and Satan began to have a field day with my emotions. Some twenty years ago I went through severe depression and attempted to take my life, so I knew that depressed feeling only too well. After talking with my daughter I decided to read my Bible and prayed that God would get me through this rough time. I pleaded for his help. After reading several scriptures my phone rang three times in succession from three people close to me that said God was laying me on their hearts and they felt the need to call. This was no coincidence. God knew I needed to talk and he sent just the right people to do his work. At this same time that I was doubting what I could and could not do and worry about everything, I was reading your book “A Confident Heart”. You had just the words that I needed to hear at that moment. This also is no coincidence. I couldn’t be reading a better book to help me through this emotional time. I thank God for you and your wonderful words. Isn’t it amazing how God works? He knows just what we need at just the right time.
I think you were talking.about me thanks for your prayers.
I would like to say thank you for all of these posts being available for me to read this morning–I was recently gone for a few days with some girlfriends and really took a long look at where I am at in my life as a mom, wife, friend, and all of the other roles I signed up for—what was I thinking–or was I? Last night I sat down with an ink pen and paper and wrote a 6 page letter (front/back) to her about all of the things I was letting weigh on my heart and mind for quite some time—I feel pretty intimidated by this person–whom I have known for 33 plus years and call my BEST FRIEND”—-After reading these posts I have decided to do the right thing and first of all give my issues to GOD—and toss the letter—-God is the way to cleanse my heart and find the right words (when the time is right) to share with my friend my feelings—-Thank you again ladies for the words of encouragement, strength, and CONFIDENCE!
Your devotional today is exactly what i needed. Recently I have lost my father, whom i have never had a close relationship with, and the past relationship has been eating at me. I always loved seeing fathers and daughters together enjoying each other’s company, but I never really had that wil my dad. His expectations were so very high for me and I wasted so many years trying to acheive them at the expense of the relationship with my husband. Now that he is gone, i realize there were some good memories, but those were overshadowed by rejection and disappointment. I have not really grieved very much for him cause bad memories kept coming back. Well your devotional hit the spot where i know that the past must stay in the past in order for me to become all God wants me to become. My passion is to help others with their past and present problems….and NOW, this is a gigantic step towards that, all for the glory of God. Thank you Renee
Growing up in a home where my father was not always present and when there, there was “too much” drinking and then “fighting” between him and my mother. He passed in 1998 and I feel I forgave him, but now I wonder if the difficulty I have in communicating with my Heavenly Father is a result of the past relationship with my earthly father. Could the past be the reason why I continue in a marriage that does not bring me joy (27 years). Seeking God more for guidance.
I need to look back to a time of bitterness and anger that resurfaces when I least expect it. I don’t want it to affect my marriage or relationships with family or friends. It’s mostly not a problem, but I don’t want it to have any affect at all!
All of my life, I’ve always been the stable, reliable one. Everyone comes to me with their problems. They know that I will help. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have problems. Trust me, I do. But in trying to take care of everyone else, I’ve shoved my issues aside. Not a good plan. I’m tired of hurting. I want hope and healing, but I don’t really know where to start.
I can relate to how you are feeling kate. Everyone comes to me too, but when it comes to me and my problems, seems like no one wants to listen, EXCEPT, the most important one of all….our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You are in my prayers.
Your devotional today really touched me. I have so much pain in my past that I am afraid to deal with because I have so many other “present” struggles that I don’t have time to fall apart. Thank you for your words and the wisdom that God has revealed through you. I pray that I will find the strength to begin to deal with the past so I can move forward.
Beautiful! I’m amazed at how often we doubt God’s ability to heal even the most broken things. He can and He will, if we allow Him to! Thank you for sharing!
I truly believe your P31 devotional was HIM speaking to me, trying once again to get my attention and this time it was a hammer breaking down my walls of anger and resentment. Is that anger and resentment still there…yes, but I believe I’m more open to seek the tools, such as your new book, to finally look at my past and what I need to deal with to resolve many of my issues and give myself, my marriage and God another chance to work everything out. I’ve been running far too long in any direction other than God’s, trying to justify my actions and behavior, feeling like God wasn’t there, but not facing the fact that it is my fear that is keeping me away from Him and that much needed peace. Thank you for your devotional Renee…
I am so amazed how God always puts things in my life right when I need them. I have been having a very difficult time lately and I know it’s from past hurts. I’ve had counselling for years and I’ve prayed about many things. I find it so frustrating that things always creep back in. I have been so frustrated at thinking I have to “take the time” to heal more…. But your email today was very encouraging and I am definitely going to be picking up a copy of your book. I am so thankful to you for listening to Christ and sharing your pain and your situation..It was just what the dr. ordered today.
Blessings to you.
Thank you for sharing your heart through the pain that you’ve walked through! I’m not unfamiliar with this process, but I did need to hear what you said(or more accurately, what God said through you). I am signed up for the online bible study, but haven’t kept up. I’ve done the 7-day doubt diet, but think I need to do it again. Again, thank you so much for your obedience to Christ!
I am praying for you and your daughter Aster. I am praying for healing, strength, understanding and peace. Thank you for you devotion . I like the AM and FM thoughts. I never viewed my thoughts in that way and that truly spoke to my heart. I can easily apply that to my busy life .. mother of 4, working mom, servant, helper, problem solver, chef and judge… the list goes on and on. My best devotion time is behind the wheel while traveling to work listening to my favorite christian radio station and my loved talks with God. I will truly apply the FM thoughts and remember God’s truth to apply them to my day. I ask for prayer for our family finances. I cling to God’s truth Jeremiah 29:11
I have suffered from depression for many years. I am fighting so hard to overcome it. I have been reading lately that depression stems from repressed anger, possibly from my childhood. I was raised in a Christian home and in a very functional family. But I don’t remember alot about my childhood. I have been divorced for almost 7 years, and was in that marriage for 17 years. My husband was a Christian, but I suffered alot of emotional abuse from him and his mother. And then 3 years ago I lost a child custody battle because my 2 daughters wanted to live with their dad. Up until September, I had been dating a guy for almost 2 years, but he had been cheating on me since March, but trying to hold on to both of us, and I had allowed it. But for the past 3 months I have had anger and rage just bubbling up. I have changed my antidepressant and I am seeing a psychotherapist. I have done Mary Southerland’s Bible Study on “How to Handle Hurt.” I am taking her advice and trying to keep my nose in the scriptures. I feel like I have forgiven and have a forgiving spirit. But I can’t seem to shake this depression. I would love to read your book so I can better understand how to bring the pain forward, and how to deal with it, and get on the other side of it. I pray continuously for healing, and for God to fill me with His peace and joy. I covet your prayers too. Thank you so much for being used by God.