If you found your way here through my devotion“Up Close and Personal”, featured today through Proverbs 31 Ministries and Crosswalk, I’m glad you stopped by. My blog is where I share the journey of my heart. I hope you’ll stay a while, and come back any time you just need a place to connect your heart to God and other women in your journey.
As I mentioned in my devotion, that day as I scraped paint, I had lots of time to think. I thought about how much I can be like my house and how far God has brought me.I thought about the years I worked so hard to live my life in such a way that from a distance, everything about me looked “fine.”
Yet on the inside I was struggling with things I didn’t want anyone to see…shame from my past, fears of my future, insecurities that paralyzed my heart. Living up to others expectations and losing my identity with each dreaded attempt to keep others at a distance. Dark shadows of doubt surrounded my heart, and the darkness of depression threatened to swallow me whole.
I wanted to be known and to be loved for who I was. I wanted someone to see past the exterior façade and look into the secret places of my heart. Yet, I feared if others knew me they could never love me. So, I buried myself in non-stop activity. I did everything I could do to keep me from having to process my pain. Then to make sure no one got too close, I pulled away from relationships with those who knew me best and loved me most. I created what I feared: I was alone.
By the time I was 22, I was exhausted. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I ran out of paint. The columns of my life started crumble. The sills around the windows of my heart began to rot. I needed help but I’d pushed everyone away. The only one who I could talk to was God so I cried out for Him to takeover my life.
Over time He revealed Himself to me – through sermons at a nearby church I’d visit, through books I read, but more than anything through His Word. I read stories that echoed the struggles and desires of my heart. I read words that gave me hope; that told me that I was not alone. Words that led me to a Savior who wanted an up close and personal relationship with me. A relationship where even with my flaws and failures I felt accepted.A relationship where I could be known and loved!
It’s what He came to offer each of us. He came up close because He wanted to know us personally. John 3:16 says that God loved us so much that He sent His Son into the world so that we could know Him and believe in Him. Verse 17 explains that God sent Jesus to save us, not to condemn us. So, no matter where we’ve been or where we’re headed, He meets us right where we are.
I want to encourage you to read a story that reveals the depth of God’s desire to have an up close and personal relationship with you. It’s about a women at a well who met Jesus while she was running errands – and running from others (4:7-30, 39-42). Even if you’ve read it before, I hope you’ll read it again in light of today’s devotion.
Beginning this weekend, and through next week, I’m doing a mini on-line study, where I’ll share something each day that I’ve learned from this story. I’ll have questions and things we can ponder together as we uncover some treasures of truth hidden in this up close and personal conversation between Jesus and a woman just like you and me. It’s my favorite story because with and without words, Jesus says, “I came all this way, just to be close to you!”
I’ll be giving away a CD on Monday.that includes my personal testimony woven in with a teaching on the woman at the well, called Searching for Satisfaction. To enter the drawing, leave your email or share your thoughts.
- Are there things that keep you from letting others and even God get close to you?
- What does it evoke in your heart when you hear that Jesus wants an up close and personal relationship with you?
To enter the drawing or to simply share your thoughts or questions, click “comments” below. Be sure to leave your email so I can contact you if you win.
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I struggle keeping Jesus and my family at a distance. I want to break the cycle of putting the chains of back that Jesus has already freed me of and have a deeper relationship with Christ and my family.
Renee-
Thank you for such a gut-wrenchingly honest entry and for the “make me stop and think” devo on P31. It is sad for me to admit but too often I think what I is evoked in my heart when I hear that Jesus wants to be up close and personal with me is….”Take a number,please! I have too much to do!” Honestly, sometimes I fear that ministry minded women are so busy serving God that we don’t have time for the God we serve. Your piece today is a wonderful reminder for me to keep in balance and keep connected to the source–Jesus Himself. Don’t enter me in the drawing. Having you for a dear friend is prize enough for me. See you in June!
Blessings,
Karen
the layers that my struggles consist of are many and deep. i have loved and walked with the lord many years and yet because i was a christian allowing others to see that i might be weak or struggling or sad or lonely was shameful. therefore, deep depression set in, dark and hopeless. where was my joy? everyone around me believed me to be a strong, wise, compassionate person. there in a heartbeat to help others with their problems. there to give them godly wisdom as to how much god loved them, that they were not alone, that in their imperfection god was made perfect. i also was so insecure that people would not like me-so i did whatever to fit in and whatever person they needed me to be. but to let anyone close enough to see that i was so sad that i was ending up addicted to pain pills just to numb my deep sadness was out of the question. what a sinner i was. what a liar i was. what a hypocrite i was. i was to prideful to let anyone see my “true” issues. and the biggest lie of all was that though i knew god knew me inside and out-that he saw that i was self-destructing, that he was standing beside me, walking right next to me and waiting for me to cry out to him-i BELIEVED i could not be helped. what if i told someone and they committed me to some rehab place? what about my little girl? my husband? my reputation as a christian? no way was anyone going to get close enough to me to know the real me.
this devotion is crucial and so so so important for anyone who is struggling with letting others in. no matter what your struggle or fear is that might be exposed. the enemy seeks to destroy and devour and where better to to toy with us then when we are alone. so, yes, indeed. from a distance-i am a gifted, warm, lovely woman that others seemed to look up to and come to for comfort-but god loved me too much to let me continue in my little facade. he brought wisely discerning women into my life who were given the vision to see right through me and know i was not okay. my insides were chipped, faded, and rotting. and so now though i am not finished with my journey-i am learning to be healed. i am learning that being exposed is being humble. and with true repentance, comes true humility and healing. my god wants me close to him. he is the lover of all my imperfections. i will never again be able to hide my inner fears or struggles because god has given me accountability that will always love and accept me. i was fortunate-no-i was loved so much by my god that he would no longer continue to let me hide. it is not easy. it will never be easy. but at least i don’t have to work on hiding anymore. because of all this-i will continue to grow closer to god, and to those few around me who will always say “how are you REALLY doing?”
so as for this devotion, i see that i am those posts, i am the window sills-that were hidden by beautiful trees and shrubs. but someone had to come onto my property and leave me a notice-go to god so that you can be stripped and broken down. then you will be restored and bright and beautiful.
thank you so much for being a willing vessel for god to speak through-always in his grip…..jaime
Thanks so much for the message. God spoke directly to me regarding my fears. I see that I use my “busy” to buffer my real self from others.
I have definitely struggled with intimacy and chosen a lot of surface, people pleasing friendships in the past. Over the past 7 years God has had me remove the facades and it has been lonely at times but my intimacy with the Lord and my husband have sky rockedted because of it. I refuse to go back to the shallow, the surface. Deep diving is so much better! God has blessed me with friends who stuck with me during the transition and with many new friends who I started without facades and have been loved for being me – the one God has called me to be. Thanks for your vulnerabililty in sharing with all of us!
Carrie Kittinger
[email protected]
I loved the devotion and post. Knowing Jesus wants a personal relationship with me is comforting becaue I do not have to worry about my insecurities with him. I look forward to the mini on-line study. My email is [email protected].
I had a conversation yesterday with a co-worker that lead me to say (much to my surprise) “why are you letting your insecurities keep you from doing what you want to do?” that was answered with “i’m not insecure.” my response was “why are you letting your pride keep you from dealing with your insecurities that are keeping you from doing what you want to do?”
I’m pretty sure that conversation was directed right at me! Like I said I was surprised I even said those words. I’m really not that bold. It was like I had to say the words to actually believe the words. Just saying them in my head wasn’t enough.
And then you write this blog today..
I’ve been hurt so many times through my own actions and the actions of others. I’ve retreated and built up walls. I’ve worked hard to tear down those walls of self-protection. It has been hard to let go of that to allow God to protect me.
Just when I think I’ve made progress, new areas that I’m keeping back are brought to the surface…more paint gets scraped off. It is a constant work in progress for me.
When I first met my husband and began to realize that he was interested in me,I was a little shocked (why would he like me?), I was curious(i hadn’t shown any direct interest first), and I was overwhelmed to be pursued. I TRY to keep those same feelings alive in our marriage relationship. I don’t try hard enough to keep those feelings fresh with my love relationship with Jesus. But I should. I need to revisit my salvation story everyday and see how He loves me!
Thanks again Renee! Your writings does this heart good.
Christy
[email protected]
Renee
I have a hard time sitting still to listen to what God has to say to me. I read the bible but I have a hard time understanding what I read, I am a very visual person. Your devotion have really ministered to me in such an awesome way I love getting them every day.
Thank you And God Bless
[email protected]
I love people and I have many friends. And even though they see the real me, I keep them at arms length. Perhaps the only person on this earth who I let know my deepest darkest secrets is my husband, so he is the person closest to me. Over the past few weeks though, I’ve been feeling a need to draw closer to God. I’m praying that I get closer and closer without hesitation or stumble. I want to be closer…I need to be closer. As a matter of fact, I think I will need to be closer until the day I meet my Savior at the pearly gates! The more you have of God, it seems the more you want. And that’s one over indulgence I think he wouldn’t mind me having! 🙂
Renee, I am looking forward to your woman at the well online mini study. I love reading your blog…you give me honest, real, heartfelt pick-me-ups every time you post. Thank you very much for that!
Rebecca
[email protected]
Thank you Renee for this timely devotional and post. I have been on this same journey of fear to let others in much less God, to see what I am really like and what is really going on.
Transparency is really hard. It is really scary. I know. I just published a post that took me a long time to write, and even longer to decide to post it. God bless you in your striving to be up close and personal with Jesus, and with others. You are making a difference in the lives of many!
Heather
[email protected]
So many being reached through this piece. God bless you! See, it is so hard for me to accept the fact that no matter what I think or feel there are others who feel the same as me. Thanks for sharing your heart and experiences with us. We are never alone, though the enemy sure likes to make us feel that way. Thanks be to God who gives us victory through Christ Jesus, Our Lord.
Oh, here’s my email in case I win: [email protected]
Renee,
I have to tell you that God has been using your devotions and your blog to talk to me. What do I feel when you tell me that Jesus wants to be up close and personal, that I am accepted and loved with all my flaws and imperfections? Fear…to really sit and listen to what He will say to me about me, and about Himself. I have been pushing others away, afraid too of what they will think if they really get to know me. And yet, God has placed some very faithful and patient prayful friends in my life, and I am so thankful for them. Thank you for your devotions and blog, I am being blessed and gently led.
[email protected]
Wow! You hit the nail right on the head, or should I say “the brush right on the column!” Thank you for the reminder that having friends who are willing to help me through my weaknesses is a good thing! Thank you for reminding me that in order for God to really make me a better person I have to allow him to work “UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL!” I hope I get to meet you at the conference in June!!! Much love and respect for your ministry! Tammy Nischan
My email address is:
[email protected] just in case I win a prize!!!! 🙂
hey Renee,
thank you for the heartfelt devotion and blog entry. I love your writings! I am at a point in my life where I feel constantly frustrated. I know that God is with me and cares for me in a personal way, yet my life seems and feels far from it. I am really yearning for genuine friendships yet for some reason that is not happening. There is a lot going on in my life and although I turn it all over to God, I continue to feel weary because nothing changes. What do you do when you cannot find the words to pray? I’ve struggled a lot with this and would love your advice on prayer.
I can identify with this devotion because I like others am guilty of not allowing others to be close to me for the same reasons(i.e. they might use it against me or not like the real me). God has always been there with me and I am learning to trust. Through thick and thin He is there leading me guiding me and correcting me in a loving way that only my Father can!
the layers that my struggles consist of are many and deep. i have loved and walked with the lord many years and yet because i was a christian allowing others to see that i might be weak or struggling or sad or lonely was shameful. therefore, deep depression set in, dark and hopeless. where was my joy? everyone around me believed me to be a strong, wise, compassionate person. there in a heartbeat to help others with their problems. there to give them godly wisdom as to how much god loved them, that they were not alone, that in their imperfection god was made perfect. i also was so insecure that people would not like me-so i did whatever to fit in and whatever person they needed me to be. but to let anyone close enough to see that i was so sad that i was ending up addicted to pain pills just to numb my deep sadness was out of the question. what a sinner i was. what a liar i was. what a hypocrite i was. i was to prideful to let anyone see my “true” issues. and the biggest lie of all was that though i knew god knew me inside and out-that he saw that i was self-destructing, that he was standing beside me, walking right next to me and waiting for me to cry out to him-i BELIEVED i could not be helped. what if i told someone and they committed me to some rehab place? what about my little girl? my husband? my reputation as a christian? no way was anyone going to get close enough to me to know the real me.
this devotion is crucial and so so so important for anyone who is struggling with letting others in. no matter what your struggle or fear is that might be exposed. the enemy seeks to destroy and devour and where better to to toy with us then when we are alone. so, yes, indeed. from a distance-i am a gifted, warm, lovely woman that others seemed to look up to and come to for comfort-but god loved me too much to let me continue in my little facade. he brought wisely discerning women into my life who were given the vision to see right through me and know i was not okay. my insides were chipped, faded, and rotting. and so now though i am not finished with my journey-i am learning to be healed. i am learning that being exposed is being humble. and with true repentance, comes true humility and healing. my god wants me close to him. he is the lover of all my imperfections. i will never again be able to hide my inner fears or struggles because god has given me accountability that will always love and accept me. i was fortunate-no-i was loved so much by my god that he would no longer continue to let me hide. it is not easy. it will never be easy. but at least i don’t have to work on hiding anymore. because of all this-i will continue to grow closer to god, and to those few around me who will always say “how are you REALLY doing?”
so as for this devotion, i see that i am those posts, i am the window sills-that were hidden by beautiful trees and shrubs. but someone had to come onto my property and leave me a notice-go to god so that you can be stripped and broken down. then you will be restored and bright and beautiful.
thank you so much for being a willing vessel for god to speak through-always in his grip…..jaime
This is a good word for us all today!
Oh Renee….I could have written this post. God is working so hard at removing my mask. The other day I felt “up against a wall” so to speak and almost retreated, even wanted to close up my blog and start a new one…”Incognito”..afraid that the more people really discovered who I am that they wouldn’t love me. The lure to ‘darkness’ is often present..especially to those who have done time there before, but God has brought me way too far to allow Satan to drag me back. And so…I keep seeking Him. Just a couple of days ago I wrote how lonliness has become my greatest enemy, but also my best friend. Your words have stirred countless thoughts in my heart. My response? A deeper desire to be “Up close and personal” with the Lord.
Love to you today,
Joy
tracey · Hi Nico – Now that you say it, I think I’m edging towards preferring the first explanation too. I definitely agree that when we are feeling ‘under the wee&ahrt#8217; we want to be somewhere safe, warm and protected from the elements … that’s just lovely!Thanks (as always) for stopping by – I’m really glad I’m feeling better too … it took me AGES to feel half human again (and not having an appetite was THE WORST!). All good now though – I’m back to my usual irritable and cranky self at work!
I struggle with letting others truly get to know me, because I’m afraid if they do, they won’t like me. It’s uplifting to hear others have simliar fears. I going to my bible right now to read the passage you recommended. Thank you!
I never believed i was alone, but today you helped me realize that i needed to acknowledge that i needed an up close and personal saviour, the only one who would never desert me, no matter what. I acknowledge that i focused on other things and areas and not my God who previously i was very close to but now i am afraid that if i go close to him he will take away from me the only human friend who understands me. Please pray for me as i invite Jesus to be my up close and personal friend, at any cost.
Thanks a million for your writings i am sure going to visit you more often. Thanks once again. God Bless.