How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
I think most of us tend to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in. But, we long to be able to let our guards down and depend on other, especially when we’re in need of help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! Today she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
_______________________
… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
______________________________
Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God and His grace can be my sufficiency… if I let HIM be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click here to visit my website and connect with our ACH community!
- If you are on my site, click “Share Your Thoughts” and do just that. (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
_____________________________
Want to receive my blog posts in your inbox?
If you aren’t already a subscriber, sign up in my right sidebar where it says “Receive Email Updates” — and you won’t miss a thing!
It’s so hard to get past the “I’m fine” answer even in church when the reality is church is where we should be most free to be open with each other. I have a close group of women who I share with and try to be more open and vulnerable, but just imagine what would happen if we all bought our brokenness and insecurity before the Lord and the church how he could heal us, and help us reach others who are struggling.
I read recently (again but with new understanding) “Adam and Eve were naked before God and unashamed”. That is because they knew they were loved regardless. I am finally learning that too. People who make us feel ashamed if I show myself “naked” to God are the ones that make us put on the mask. But Praise Be To God for the Freedom I have finally found!! I come to Him, naked. He sees all the “roots of bitterness” that were growing and so loving performs His operation on them all. Put in His healing oil and gives me refreshing wine to drink and clothes me in His royal robes. And I dance before Him with all that’s within me!!! He smiles. I am known but I am loved and I am NOT ashamed.
I am a little behind in the assignments but I had started this book last month. The day I read part of this chapter I was in church. It was before bible study, I had already prayed, so I sat quietly and was reading on my Kindle. I got halfway through the chapter and just broke down. I had gotten to the part where Renee speaks about meeting us where we are How He is waiting for us to stop running to and turn to him. Well at that point it was time to pray and start worship. The first song they sing is “Oh How He Loves Us” I knelt down at my seat and just cried. I couldn’t stop. My heart cried out to God because I was so tired of pretending. I am in a relationship that has started too soon and because I am afraid to lose him, I won’t break up with him so we can grow. It doesn’t make sense but its a fear. But because he is a leader in the church, I don’t want to tell anyone details because he could get into trouble with the pastor and it would be a mess. So at that moment, I knew God was there. I knew He was waiting for me and had wrapped his arms around me and wasn’t going to let go.
Being transparent … Even though I know God “knows” me .. I mean He made me.. knew me before I was in my mothers womb.. So how can i not be transparent before him.. Easy.. I fool myself. I fall into that trap that Adam and Eve fell into. Hiding from God, afraid, worried.. unsure of the God that knows and loves me.. Fear.
always fear.. But I will try to remember that He loves me and already knows all that I think, desire, dream, feel etc…
“We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.” ~ Renee Swope
Tears came to my eyes IMMEDIATELY with that simple statement. I’m a type A personality, one that wants to control everything and have everything happen in my time frame and that’s been a portion of my personality that has become really frustrating as of late. I’ve been trying to have a baby for a few years, I’ve been trying to change my profession, but I’ve experienced no change it has been tough. It’s been hard to celebrate others who are advancing and receiving what I want. But, I have to remember that I have no control, if I truly want to live a surrendered life, one dedicated to genuinely becoming a disciple of Christ I have to leave all things in the hand of the Father.
For the last cople of months I’ve been answeing the question “How Are you?” with I’m fine… and turned the conversation around as quick as possible, because everything is not fine… I started a relationship just 4 months ago and he is like a dream man but my insecurities, past, doupts and onconfidence is soon ruing the relationship… not to talk about the relkationship mistakes we have made as Christians all ready! that adds to guilt trip the things that should not be there….
For the last month or so i’ve been wanting to quit saiing I’m fine but that is the automatic answer. I don’t wnat others to be burdend by my hurts or insecurities… That thought pattern comes from 6 years ago when at 18 years old I lost my mother to cancer finished high school and went to university thinking that I don’t have premission to griev… i have to be strong… that affects my closest relatinship now. Thats why I want to fingt with doubt and ding security in God!
Only God is abel to repair my broken heart and thats what I’m finding out from this book as well.
My mask is my life without kids. Have I wanted them? No is not entirely the correct answer. It is one used to cover up the fact that the batchelor husband that I adore does not want them. For years we have gone back and forth on that important decision, never on the same page. In truth, I’m not sure that our marriage could survive raising them up so close to the inlaws. We have had severe difficulties with wedges in our marriage due to their opinionated involvement. Guilt trips sent to the baby boy to do whatever is asked. They need him (prematurely) for everything. He is oblivious to most of it as they are Christians and are good covering things up. Because I’ve been seen as a threat to their connection, I’m not too popular there but this is only obvious when he’s not around. I dont want to “push” to do something that could ruin our marriage. I sooooo love my hubby and he sooo loves me and is more than content to have it just be us forever…However, I have always been “a natural” when working with kids. I avoid working with them now. It’s too painful to be asked why we don’t have them or that it “seems like a waste”. Though in my lower 40’s women especially treat me as less of a woman or much younger than I am as though I don’t know anything or have any experience at all. It is assumed that I am selfish for deciding not to have them. There is the battle to want to please others that I have always have and I feel as though I have let everyone down. My pride has been completely squashed as I am the oldest child and all my younger sibs have had children. I’ve completely lost my oldest child bearings. I have become very insecure and lost all my confidence. The wind has been taken from beneath my wings. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart as I imagine what life would have been like with a child or two. I have not found anyone in the “same boat” and though I know God is with me, I often feel very alone.
I have recently seen a doctor about anxiety and depression. I thought having these things was a sign of weakness, or that my faith was not strong enough so i tried to hide it. I prayed about it and i reached out to a couple of women in my church. They gathered some others to pray over me. Of course when asked what they could pray about i started crying right away, but all i could answer was sometimes i get really sad and i dont know why but i dont like the feeling! I try to remind myself of God’s promises but it feels like there is a wall and they dont sink into my heart.” That was my first step towards healing and a better relationship with God. I realized that i may need help to get back on track, although after being prayed over i have no depressing days i still suffered from anxiety. I am currently on some medication but will stop taking them this summer. I used to feel ashamed that i had to go this route but i no longer do bc I know everything happens for a reason and I know God is taking care of me. He is showing me (and i am learning slowly) that i dont need to please everyone. That those feelings of wanting to be loved and pursued CAN be filled, but for them to be filled entirely i need to grow closer to Him.
I know how you feel. All my life I was treated as if nothing I did was good enough and then my first husband had a long standing affair with one of my friends and is now married to her. My second husband was supposed to be different but about 6 months after we were married he had a relationship with an old friend of his and since then it has been one affair after another. I don’t want my marriage to fail and I’m praying hard for him and that his heart and desire will return to me. I have become totally overwhelmed by his actions, to the point that I too began to have anxiety attacks and had to go on medications in order to be able to work on a daily basis. I was so ashamed, I wouldn’t tell anyone that I was on them. I struggle daily with wanting to be loved and I pray daily that those feelings will be met by God and not a person. I will pray for you as well Brittany.
God’s perfect love is amazing! It’s always there, no judgements, no questions asked, but a much needed relief from pain, suffering and doubt. I can’t put into words how it makes me feel now that I’ve truly opened my ears and my heart to God and his calling for me at this exact stage of my life. I am just so excited and thankful for how everything is falling into place.
The more open you take off the mask and be true to yourself and Him, the easier it becomes and the more you see yourself as beautiful, just the way you are, just the way He created you to be! Thank you Renee for this study.
I’m not fine and I have been giving the I’m Blessed reply for years now. I’m tired. It’s amazing how much I’ve read about marriage thus far so now I can breathe and remove my mask. There’s so much but I’ll try to be brief:
This is my only marriage and it’s been fourteen years. We have three children, and we’re both supposed to be Christians. I stated it that way because I don’t know how Christians can’t seem to work things out! He says he doesn’t want to be married and never did, nor did he want children. I had a child already and with pre-marital sex, pregnancy happened with him. (We weren’t saved then.) Although I wasn’t thrilled about having two children without being married, I had no idea marriage wasn’t what he really wanted. (Thought it was mutual, we’d both been through enough.) I guess I was supposed to read his heart and mind then instead of finding out a few years ago he wanted to do what was morally right. Even then it was stated in such a way that although it wasn’t his original desire, he’d grown to love that which he thought he never wanted. Hence, we moved forward because things were good. Yes things that didn’t make sense to me happened as I’m sure he said the same. Little did I know, certain female relationships were occuring that I had no idea about and when faced with them, I wasn’t happy. That though wasn’t supposed to be a big and lingering issue because according to him because he loved me and was still taking care of home. I just knew there was more so I kept going back to, “What am I missing, why am I not feeling secure, why do these “things” keeping happening?” There was silence and withdrawl too! A lot of off and on. Last year I learned he was trying to deal with this part of himself that he never wanted me to know by suppressing, but now it’s out.
I don’t want my husband to now have a separate checking acct., an apt., but he’s still living with us, an I don’t care attitude sometimes concerning me and the children, wanting me physically others, not supporting financially the same as before, spending/wasting money here, there and wherever else, and not coming home some nights because he really doesn’t want to be here since there’s the possibility of talking, just to name a few things. He says he does love me though because of our years and many good times. (No major fights or anything. Always tried the understanding/communicating approach.)
A part of me wants to say go although I don’t really want him to because I’m afraid he’ll enjoy it, but the other doesn’t feel that’s the will of God. He did leave for a short period of time but asked my permission to come home out of fear of being out of the will of God yet he still feels he’s out because he doesnt want to be married. Now maybe time will bring about a change, according to him.
I’m trying to do right by God, wait on Him, let Him have His way, because I don’t have a point of reference in the Bible for this! I know He doesn’t want me to be used and abused either (a door mat).
Sorry for the long post. I really appreciate the space to breath though! I have to figure out what’s going on with me. Still praying and waiting.
Praying for you! I was where you are a few years ago in your marriage. My husband too told me he never wanted to be married and he felt pressured. At the time we did have a daughter and he has never said he didn’t want children but he did say if he could do it all over he wouldn’t have married me. I was torn, crushed and quite broken. I know how you feel. Please know though that god is in complete control and he can repair what seems to be so broken. My husband and I have worked through our issues and he is not even a Christian so you do have a heads up there. We are happier now than we ever have been and just had our second child. I will pray for peace in your marriage and also peace inside your heart. I know the pain and I know you feel all is lost. Remember that when we lean on Jesus he can heal all broken wounds and make us even better than before. If you haven’t done or thought of this seek guidance from your pastor. I know that may seem embarrassing but he understands and would love nothin more I’m sure than to help you and your husband mend the broken pieces. In Christ!!
Oh how Chapter 2 hit home… When I was growing up it was not OK to show emotion…you hide so much…I am 56 years old and it is hard to break a lifetime of pretending everything is ok when on the inside you know it isn’t. GOD brought me to my knees on Christmas Eve 2011… It was at this point in my life when I realized the decisions I – ME – only ME had made were not working…I thought I was much smarter and stronger than I really am. Although it is still a WORD IN PROGRESS – I am laying my life and everything in it at the cross and trusting in GOD and his divine will. PRAYING daily – and emersing myself in the word…..This is a wonderful study..
I have worn the “I’m fine” mask since I was in middle school. My mother married a man who did drugs, then was diagnosed with brain tumors which led to violence. I moved to my father’s hoping to escape and found that the stress became shame. My father and step-mother drank, my step-mother was verbally abusive and became violent when drunk. I was told many hurtful things and learned that my feelings were unimportant but my actions required apologies if other feelings were hurt (my step-mother’s). I went to school through all of this with a smile on my face and the ever present “I’m fine” mask on. Without understanding fully the problems I still struggle with this study is already in this first week showing me that my self-doubt from my childhood has led me to an adulthood full of doubt, stress and depression. I am so glad I am on this journey now. I am praying and believing that the book study and adjoining bible study in the coming weeks are going to show me the path and help me find my way out of this vicious inner battle.
Lord I pray that you will guide myself and all the other ladies through your truths and help us to remove our masks of lies and be vulnerable to you and the loving friends You have brought into our lives to help us. Thank you Lord for giving Renee the ability and confidence to share with us how to depend on You and KNOW that you are God!
A mask being placed, or saying “I’m fine” always seemed to be the easy way out…the way to avoid conflict, to be accepted in the eyes of those around me. But in reality was I being accepted? And who was accepting me? I was raised to bottled up my feelings, to just accept things as they are, I can’t do anything, can’t change the “way things are”. What I am realizing is it wasn’t the easy way out and what if Jesus took that route? He walked the unbeaten path, He talked to “Sam” when no one else would, He didn’t pretend, He was who He was and didn’t cow down to anyone to be accepted. When He hurt, He said He hurt, when he was happy He said He was happy, He was who He was and what He wants from me is to be who I am in Him. He stood up for me and laid down His life for me (for us), He is the one I have to be accepted by (and already am) and He tells me I can throw away the masks, stop pretending, start living for Him, for us. God, give me the strength to continue on this path and truly start living!
The ever present answer of being “fine” – It’s hard for me not to want to answer “fine” because that is how I wish things were and have thought they should be if I love the Lord and have accepted him as my Savior. But, it seems my idea of what that looks like is different than what the Lord’s idea may be for my life.
There has been a downturn in our family business and I am returning to work in it full time with my husband. We had to let our last employee go this week. It is not an easy decision for me as through our 27 years of marriage we have often struggled as we’ve tried to work together in the business and our marriage. I struggle knowing that I will need to do things with our clients and market a business that I have lost confidence in over the years. My faith in God seems so small right now , our soul income is dependent on this business which I know means on the Lord and so there is little peace in my life. Oh, how I want to have big faith in our one true God!
I am tired of the battle and want to release things to the Lord but don’t know how anymore. I repeat scripture, try to read inspiring books and pray for God’s peace to fill my very being yet still I have trouble catching my breath and seeing this business grow once again. I’ve always wanted to encourage and support my husband in what he loves to do yet it has taken its toll on me and I can’t seem to get out of the pattern of fear, doubt and worry that hover over me.
I ask as the prayer from Chapter One asks of God- “Take me beyond believing in You to truly believing You and your promises, hold me together along the way so that I would not fall apart but become a witness of your mighty presence in our lives.”
So, being a Christian woman, I thought we are all on the understanding that everything will be fine because we trust God entirely. Even through our troubles and our pain, we can praise God for the blessings we have today and the plans He has for us: plans to prosper us, right?
Right now I am struggling with my relationship with my husband/ex-husband (Nate). I feel as though God asked me to reconcile with him (January 2012) and this past January, he still had not said he loves me. So many details but short and (somewhat) sweet, we went to counseling offered at church. In our second session, the counselor thought it was better to see Nate alone. They are going to work on repairing Nate’s relationship with our Lord God and being a Godly parent. So where does that leave me? I asked God what He wants me to do and all I hear is Wait and Trust in me.
I have learned during this time that God is polishing me. I am breaking bad habits that I didn’t even think were bad. I am committing to the actions or inactions God has placed on my heart. I am battling the enemy who seeks to destroy my confidence. I stand by faith knowing that God is good and God is working. And I must remain obedient.
So here I am hurt by our day to day living…still no romance and love from Nate…but God telling me to trust Him and wait…so how do I do this joyfully and full of love when there is a pity party happening in my heart? I KNOW GOD LOVES ME AND THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH. I know that I should turn to scripture and find peace in His word. I know His plans are better than I can imagine. I know that there are blessings all around me and to praise Him. I know all this and yet my joy tank is low. I know everything is going to be fine but since we are to rejoice in TODAY, but how I do genuinely turn this frown upside down?
Just what you said here, cry it to God, He’s listening, WE just have to fully give Him control, it took me a very long time to realize how much He truly loves me, but when that happens & you GET IT, your life will turn around, keep on with this study, it WILL help you, will be praying for you, I hope there is a friend or relative you can confide in also, that has really helped me too. Hope this helps you in some small way, GOD LOVES YOU LIKE CRAZY, JUST LET HIM IN!!
Amen!
I too am still learning this 🙂
thank you Zoyie
Thank Him, He’s the One that does it all, it’s a day to day process I have found out, but I do REALLY know now that He only wants what’s best for me, & I have to keep firmly believing that and not Satan’s lies, One day at a time Sweet Jesus, now I know what that song really means. I just hope I can remain faithful on a more continual basis. We all need prayer, never will anything ever be perfect, till we get to Heaven, yeah!
i am not fine. I am officially jobless. I am completely depressed. I hate my life. I am single and as far as men are concerned the ugliest thing to walk the face of the earth. My grandmother is very sick and I cannot fix that either. I just want to sleep all day. I cannot figure out what to do next. I know I will owe taxes and I have yet to file them yet and the time is coming up fast to file them. I truly just want to lay down and never wake up.
Kelly,
While it may not feel like it, you already are taking the steps to being ok, we all are. I often am at a point where I just want to lay down a give up but He doesn’t let me and He is not letting you because He brought us here. We can’t fix things but we can learn to live in Him and through Him. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I look forward to sharing this journey with you. Don’t lay down…stand up…and rejoice in what we have been given…we are here with you, even through the web, feel the love coming your way!
Can I be honest here? I’m a little overwhelmed by the number of comments already here. Though I think it is wonderful. ‘Jesus is the only one who can meet our deepest need for acceptance and being delighted in simply for who we are.” Renee Swope. Grace moving from my head to my heart has become my prayer. It is great see such beautiful results already here.
What really made me feel not a part of this chapter was the fact that I do not hide anything, if anything, I tell all to anyone who will listen about my faults, I lay them bare for all to see. “Why do I do this?” Is it so that when they find out, they will not be disappointed, I am unsure. I always pray or talk to God, much more now than I have in the past couple of years. I thank God for all of you women and this study.
Heavenly Father, I pray that you bless me each and every woman who is a part of this study… I pray that your Holy Spirit speak to each of us as needed and help us see what we need to see. Give every us the strength and wisdom, to read each chapter and participate in the on line blogs, as it will make us grow in you… Things will always get in our way, so help us God to be here every week and help us to draw closer to you. Thank you for everything. P.S. God, to all the women in this world I pray that you give them what they need at this moment. In the name Of Jesus Christ, Amen.
This has been a great study thus far. I talk with so many woman that feel that they are a nobody and that they do not matter in the scheme of things. The ministry God has called me to stems from mental, physical, and verbal abuse I encountered from my mother. I travel with two other woman who have been through abuse, different forms of abuse, we talk of the abuse, where it has led each one of us (different places) but have found such peace and freedom from the bondage of abuse through Jesus Christ. It breaks my heart when I hear such stories as I have read here. I am reading this study from a kindle so I can not give a page number but one thing that stood out to me was, “He cares about every detail in our lives. But if we only live on the surface with God, we will never experience the intimacy we long for or the acceptance and security He offers.” He longs for that intimacy with us and He is just waiting for us to realize just that. Know ladies that you are not alone in your pain and suffering, there are so many that have been or are going through much of the same things you are. Know that God loves you with such an unconditional love no matter where you are at, He will meet you there. Cling to His promises for they are true. I have felt much the same way, I never felt that I measured up, I was a nothing to just kick around and abuse. God brought me through and in Him I stand and you can to. Know that you are prayed for, I may not know all of your names but God does. Bless you all and thank you Renee for this study, woman need to know that they are not alone and they can make it through.
I am a food addict. I am NOT fine, but I put on my mask each day and act like I am okay…..Part of the time, I actually am, but not always. I am afraid that if I let go of my mask completely, my whole world will come crashing down around me…so, I try to give it to God each day….His Grace is the best…knowing that I am new each day….a clean slate each day……That gives me hope!
Just finished reading Chapter 2 and can definitely relate to everything in the book. Thank you Renee! My struggle is to really take off that mask of fine and allowing people to see that I am sometimes not fine. I have always had the front that I am strong so i have had some stinging things that have happened. I am praying to take off the mask that I am fine and truly revealing that I am always not strong. Thank you for always leading us back to the one that can truly change us – Jesus!
I really am enjoying the first two chapters of this book. Even though I am one to usually admit when I am not fine, can see that Jesus wants to share those not fine times with me. He wants to restore my innocence lost many years ago and make me clean in him. Now I have to not just believe in Him but believe Him that His promises are true for me.
On page 36 Renee writes, “When she looked into His eyes she saw acceptance, not judgment; love, not hate. She felt valuable in His presence, as though she had something to offer. There was something different about Him.” This made me realize that I often look toward God but I haven’t looked into His eyes to see the reflection of myself as He sees me. My doubts grow like bacteria in a Petri dish because in that glance I’ve missed the unconditional acceptance and love He has for me. When my own thoughts and experience are the barometer against which I measure my worth, I have always fallen short and my doubts multiply. I thank God (and Renee and all the wonderful women walking this path together) for this opportunity to look into God’s eyes, to know Him more intimately, and to trust Him fully.
Janis, I completely understand. My husband and I had a miscarriage on January 1, 2013. I was not fine. But I had to return to work, and he to school. Life had to go on, and I found myself saying I was “ok” as a default. After a few days we opened up to close friends, being able to ask for prayer, to ask others to walk along side you in your pain, is comforting and allows the healing process to take place.
I like how Melanie said we, as Christians, try to show that we are living the fairy-tale and we are all fine. It is so true, but why is it we do this to ourselves and to one another. Being a Christ follower is about admitting we are a mess and we can not do it on our own and therefore, we need a Savior, Christ. Yet, the temptation to put on that mask is strong, I find myself doing it. I have multiple masks to suite different occasions. One for work (ie, the Powerful Business Women, Confident and Unafraid). One for home (Beautiful Wife, keeping her home together and everything in line). You get the point, some masks have been retired, others are getting uncomfortable. But what if I take them off and everyone finds that I am a mess, I am insecure and I doubt. I doubt my abilities at work, I am insecure about how well I perform as wife and house keeper, how well I perform as in-law, cook, sister, daughter, niece, friend, decorator, planner, ect.
I am praying that God meet me here, in this need to be perfect in all I do. I am praying that I would “thirst no more” for approval and validation from others, that my joy, peace, and identity would radiate from within and point others to Christ. I pray that my confidence will come from Christ.
I read this via email the other day at work – I had to stop because I was crying. Reading it I put myself in each of the hurts – I then sent the email to my husband for him to read. I hide a lot behind the “i’m fine” and after reading this I’m making an effort to not hide behind “i’m fine”. My hubby was asking if I was ok last night and my automatic response was “i’m fine”. He emailed me back after he read this saying it was touching; my response to him “I’m glad you read it. Maybe after doing this bible study I will eliminate my “fine” answers. Although, I believe I said I was fine tonight. But if I had to use something else I would say slightly empty. I miss you.” . I’m also hiding behind “i’m fine” when people are asking how I’m doing after my miscarriage on Feb 10th. I know God had a reason and that the baby wasn’t developing normally because they couldnt see the baby on the sonogram at 7 weeks, I know others who are struggling with getting and staying pregnant and i know i’m truely blessed to have 2 beautiful children already. My thoughts are that i really am fine because God is there protecting me and looking out for my best interest, no matter how badly I wanted the 3rd child. it is on the days where i’m hurting more that the “i’m fine” response does really hurt while saying it. this phrase “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” will become my replacement to “i’m fine”. I’m sorry I haven’t read all of the comments on this post (or any other post) and I know a lot of others are suffering with hurt as well as I and I will pray for all of us hurting. I’m really enjoying reading the book and learning more about Gods love for me.
Last year, my husband had a sudden health episode that left him in bed for almost six months. I am also the primary caregiver and helper with three elderly parents. This left me as a constant caregiver 24 hours a day and I was exhausted for most of that time and am still recovering my energy level. I did find it hard to share the load with anyone who could understand what I was going through. Many of my friends listened but gave me little encouragement. I realized this was because they hadn’t been in this situation yet, and they couldn’t feel the scope of how tired I was, and I tried to “strengthen myself in the Lord” as David said. I do find sometimes that my christian community has ready scriptures and answers but less hugs and understanding. I am thankful God always sees me and hears me – His love never fails.
I moved halfway across the country 6 months ago and have a 5 year old. I am in the most difficult season I can imagine in my marriage. It is really challenging to NOT “be fine” when you are trying to make new connections and make friends. But, I am exhausted and have chosen not to be afraid of the fact that I am not fine! I am a really joyful person by nature and that is God’s blessing to balance out this trying time. I don’t wallow and I won’t hide. I think (read, hope) people have appreciated my openness. I really am struggling but am grateful for these new people that have chosen to see ME, even when I am not fine.
I’m not fine. I’ve been trying to be a good wife and mother, but end up feeling judged by what I do or don’t do. I take things my husband says so personally even when he doesn’t mean it to be because I think I’m so ready to receive confirmation that I am failing. I’m a people-pleaser which a recent incident made me remember that doesn’t work. I’m tired of trying to be fine.
Thank you Renee, you are such a blessing pouring out your heart and being real. I thank God for your honesty & openess in sharing with us. Chpt 2 really hit home with me where lots of times I will say “I’m fine”to others & would be falling apart on the inside, dealing with struggles on my own. I am learning to lean more & more on the Lord in all my circumstances.
I have not recieved my book yet so i have not read chapter 2, and i feel like im missing out because there seems to be so many questions that might be good for me to share. Does anyone have any suggestions on how i can still participate on chapter 2 when all have moved along:(
Had to share this tonight. I spent the week with a friend of ours who came for a visit. His wife recently left him and he is struggling with his own self doubt right now. As I entered this study I thought this was for me and only me. I realized that God did bring this study for me but also to help a friend in need. I was able to talk to him about not being fine and it is ok. Thank you to Renee and The Lord for being able to minister and use what I’ve already learned. I ask that all you ladies would keep him in your prayers. He wants nothing more than to repair his marriage for his two beautiful daughters but is coming to realize his wife is not in the same place. This has also given me a bit more confidence that I can witness and minister gods word. Praise be to God! I can do all through Christ who strengthens me:)
DAna hi, im not sure if you are aware of who Benny Hinn is, Im not sure how long ago it was i think a year or two that hes wife filed for divorce from him. He kept praying and believing and would not accept the fact that she was gone from His life, So He belived it and would not talk about any other options. And sure enough about 2 months ago him and hes wife got remarried on television God restored what was broken. Maybe he could email Benny Hinn and ask his advice on this after prayerfully talking to the Father God on it.
I have also been through a situation where God told me this man was for me and he walked away from us, but God told me to keep beliveing and praying like this relationship is already done, i did as he said it was not easy and i had alot of doubts and not much support but sure enough the Lord God did bring my man back and He is grown in the Lord all that time and He has more of a Love for me cause he knows that i never gave up on him, and that Love i was told to give him, God told me when he comes back you cannot bring up his past mistakes you have to totally forgive him as if He didnt do anything i obeyed though it was hard and God did it, Hes Amazing he knows what is best for us and i would never tell anyone to give up on their marriage they should pray ask God what He wants them to do, and do it all the way with His help all things are possible. I never bring up his mistake but He brings it up, he knows he did wrong and he apoligizes to me all the time and He realizes he did wrong. Its a Miracle.
What a blessing, reading your post gives sooo much encouragement and hope to believe what God presses on us, how we should, think, pray & feel. I am encouraged by your sharing and still believe that our God who performed miracles long ago is still performing miracles today!! I love hearing these accounts of God performing miraculous things in peoples lives….it’s definitly a “God thing”.
What. S significant statement : BUT IF WE ONLY LIVE ON THE SURFACE WITH GOD WE WILL NEVER ECPERIENCE THE INTIMACY WE LONG FOR OR THE ACCEPTANCE AND SECURITY HE OFFERS. I love that statement and it can be applied to so many aspects of life.
This post really hit home for me. I am a single mom of a wonderful 6-year-old boy and his father is no where to be found. He does not want anything to do with him. When Braxton, my son, was younger Matthew, my ex, was very close to Braxton and now he does not even call him on his birthday. As a mother it is hard to look your baby in the eyes and answer his questions when you do not have answers. You have to but on that mask and show him strength when you really want to break down and cry.
Also, when I take Braxton to soccer practice it is so hard to put on a smile as you watch the other dad’s coach and help their son. after reading this post I never really knew how often I put on that mask with a smile and pretended everything is ok. I am so thankful that I have my Heavenly Father to come to and take off that mask and show Him how I truly feel. I pray that God will help me to take that mask off more often throughout the day and help to be honest with the people that care.
It’s okay to say you’re not okay. My husband and I have been separated for a year and in the beginning I was a complete mess! Over time, I’ve learned that God is my all in all. I tell people “I’m not fine” and I simply ask for prayer! It’s hard, it’s rough – but I’ve seen the work that God has done in me and my two girls and I know that God is utterly faithful and he truly does turn our ashes into beauty and if you let Him, He will heal your heart, hurts, and restore you!
As I read through a lot of these posts about opening up, I feel so desolate inside. When I open up to my husband with honesty, he absolutely freaks. He screams and yells and throws and breaks things. I am not allowed to communicate to any degree unless by chance, he is in the right mood, which is rare. This is a huge struggle for me, as I am an extremely honest, up front person. I don’t hide my feelings and honestly have trouble keeping them in. God tells us to be honest, with grace of course, but I am not allowed to be. He was all about it when we were dating, but as soon as we got married, no exaggeration, within one week, my honesty was taboo. It has been 12 years. I am dead inside, with only a little warmth left from my Heavenly Father. I feel like one of those animals with their little leg caught in a bear trap, just waiting to perish. Dramatic, I know, but accurate. It seems this valley goes on forever.
I love this study. I’m not fine and I’m putting my trust in God.
me too 🙂
I have struggled this week with loneliness and depression but I have answered “I’m fine”. when others ask how I’m doing. My husband died 4 years ago and most days I really am “fine” but some days are overwhelming. I feel like people really don’t want to know when they ask anyway so it’s an answer that lets them feel comfortable. Being reminded that God cares and is always there, makes it seem a little brighter and easier to manage.
Our verse for this week confirms that God will always known the “real me” – each lustful thought, each evil thought, each sinful desire of my heart. Before he formed me in my mother’s womb He knew me, but He loved me anyway. If I took off my mask and let others see the “real me”, what they would see is that I have a wonderful husband, yet I can’t stop thinking about this other man. Would they think the same way about me after they knew this? Probably not. Only Jesus can love me “just as I am”.
If someone asked, “Did you have a good day”?, I would say “not really” and share with that person about a spiritual or physical need I had. Taking off the mask and letting people see the “real you” also involves revealing the ugly thoughts and desires hidden in the recesses of your heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, “For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he…” I am not ready to this!
after reading chapter2 and yesterdays guest post i feel that i have been directed to the right place. i am so afraid to hope. jam SO AFRAID and SO TIRED! i wish i could be in a room to see other participants. i am so tired and so sad and so do not wish to be so unaware of what i have and not to be thankful. we have lost so much during these past 7 years and i ache to go home back to minnesota. i feel so alone and helpless. WHOA! that ugliness tumbled out. i did not even have to pay for a counseling session or go buy something!i do so want to be confident that i will not be defeated by my life circumstances but feel that there is so little hope.depression,depression. i have moved on i know from a great deal of anger and felt moving into acceptance was what God wanted from me, BUT I AM NOT FINE thank you to anyone listening,i am not a complainer but am so [email protected]
You know it’s funny I had a hard life during my jr high and high school My mom was in and out of the hospital and I was left to take care of my brothers and dad. Not fun for a 13 yr old. I wear my emotions on my sleeves until one day a lady at my church asked me how I was and I knew I could “trust ” her so I started telling her how sad, frustrated yada yada to which she responded, ” you know Shannon, you should really stop telling people your problems, act positive and be fine!!” I was soooo devastated so from then on I hid in my stuff and acted “fine” when inside I was completely dying inside. It sux when someone abandons you because of “your drama”. Almost 20 years later its still happening. My best friend recently didn’t want anything to do with me because of “my drama”. I was devastated. I can’t help that I have borderline personality disorder and anxiety! All I want is a real friend who knows me and loves me for me and will listen to me.
Hi all,
This week the verse has really stuck with me is Jer 1:5 “I knew you before I formed you in your mothers’ womb. Before you were born I set you apart” I keep coming back to it as a reminder that God has it all set out and way better than I could even imagine.
Being a Pastor’s wife comes with a stigma of perfection and always having it together, but I can testify that is not the case. I am thankful that I do have some close friends that want to know the truth to the “How are you doing” question.
In reading some of the above posts I can’t begin to imagine what some of you are going through and so my heart and prayers goes out to you. Personally I have not had many heartaches but when I have I’ve tried to remember to lean on God.
I think people are hesitant to open up, because a fair number of the people asking don’t really want to know how you are doing. It has become a colloquial greeting – “Hi, how are you?” “Fine and you?” “Good”. End of greeting. If someone actually opened up to them, they would probably get the deer in the headlights look, and want to get away as soon as possible. When I REALLY want to know how people are doing, I will ask “How are you doing? I mean really how are you doing?”
I have had a lifetime of doubts piled upon me. When you hear something over and over you tend to believe those things whether they are true or not. I know & believe that I am a child of God and that he has great things for me and for that I am thankful. But after being thrown back into the workforce after a divorce I struggle with who I am. Am I working in the place God want’s me to be or am I working there because I have to pay the bills. Do I go back to school at 41 and if I do what is the plan God has prepared for me there. I struggle with idea of going back to school for the mere fact that I didn’t do well in high school and I have this fear of failing again. Living in the land of unknown stinks.
I’m not fine. I don’t know if I’ve ever been fine but I really started not being fine last summer when I discovered my husband was having an affair. He was my high school sweetheart. We broke up after high school and then he called me one day out of the blue to tell me he was sorry and wanted to be friends. Our friendship grew and love sparked anew and we eventually married. Things weren’t perfect but I never thought in a million years that he would do this to me, to us, to our kids. Devastated, crushed, destroyed just touches the tip of the iceberg in describing how I felt and still feel.
One night in October as I was laying in bed praying and crying God spoke to me. I was asking how I was going to get through this, how I was going to survive, why was it happening, etc. And in between sobs I heard Him say “Trust Me.”
Another day I was driving home from work, after a particularly rough day, and I was praying and crying. I asked Him to tell me if I was doing the right thing wanting to work things out, wanting to be with this man who has thrown my everything (feelings, heart, kids, etc.) to the wayside. Was it time to give up? Was it time to move on? When I got home I was looking at FB and found a post from my daughter with the comment ‘I totally needed to hear this.’ Talked to her later and she said that she really felt like she needed to post it, that someone else needed it as well. It was Chris August singing his song ‘Restore.’ For those not familiar with that song, it’s about God restoring marriage.
Little did I know how many of you have stories similar to my own. I pray for each of you. Pray that God would restore what has been broken in all of you. Pray that you would find hope, peace and strength in the shadow of God’s mighty wings. Thank you for your prayers for my husband, my kids, my marriage and me.
I subscribe to Proverbs 31 Ministries “Encouragement for Today” emails and read something Renee wrote several months ago. It referenced ACW so I bought it and read it. The book really spoke to me. There were many times when I wondered if Renee had a camera in my house and/or in my heart because I felt she was describing me exactly. I signed up immediately when I saw the opportunity to participate in this study. I knew that reading the book again would unlock new kernels of God’s wisdom that I missed the first time through. Pray that each of you is touched, moved, and awakened by knowing what a wonderful Daddy in Heaven that we have who loves us UNCONDITIONALLY all day, every day, no matter what we do!
I was reading through chapter 1, this morning, and I began peeling away a lot of emotional layers. I participated in this on-line study the previous time around, but not until this morning was I able to really face my lifetime of doubts. Now, I’m praying for the abilities to “hope”, and “believe” in God’s promises.
I am not fine today… there I said it . For most of my life, I always said “I;m fine” when I really wasn’t. Most people don’t want to hear anything else. I have learned that over the years. I don’t think people really want to hear anything else from you because they are so wrapped up in their own issues. I am trying very hard to look beyond the normal, quick response of “I;m fine,” that most people give to see if they really are fine. It is hard to take the mask off.
Today, I need prayer. I lost my mother just two weeks ago unexpectedly and I have been in shock since leaving the ER that early morning hour. My family and I have been so busy the past weeks with funeral arrangements, closing out her house, writing thank you notes and trying to find normal again. I catch myself calling her on the phone as I did this several times a day when I would get home from teaching school only to remember that she isn’t there to answer. She was a Christian and I know that one day we will be reunited but in the meantime, I am really missing her.
Thank you for praying for me. I really appreciate it.
Kathleen
I am praying for you Kathleen. I lost my Mom unexpectedly also and it will throw you off kilter for a while to say the least. God got me through that time and it is my prayer that you will will know He has you in His hands and loves you and will get you through this. I found Psalm 42 to be helpful during that time and hope you might find encouragement in it too.
Kathleen, I’m praying that God will help you through this time. I pray that this study will help to boost your confidence and able to be open without having to hide your true feelings. I have learned from experience in my own life that healing can only truly take place when we open up to others. I know that it must have been hard to share your story, but think about the wonderful power of prayer. Take comfort in God’s peace and comfort. Blessings!
Hi Ladies,
This is the first online anything I have ever done, and I sometimes wonder if I am missing information because I am not familiar with navigating the web. I have hesitated sharing my thoughts, but I hope they help someone out there. I realized after reading the first chapter, that I have done a lot of growing in my self worth. I used to believe that I was nobody of any importance. I wondered why my husband would ever have wanted me in the first place. I came to see my value and worth and the LOVE the Lord has for me, when I actually digested the true meaning of the sacrifice Jesus gave FOR ME to be with him in Heaven. There is no way I will ever question that I am special again, after completely comprehending the price it cost him to save me. I must be priceless to the LORD, for Jesus to have paid that price for me and asked only for me to love and trust him in return. (I hope I gotten that right!)
I thought I was actually ok, and that perhaps I was a “confident woman” and this online study wasn’t really for me anymore. I started to rejoice in my growth, until I attended a meeting with our financial advisor two nights ago and he gently mentioned, that financially, our struggles could only be lessoned, if I went back to work. WHAT??? I have been home for 13 years with my four children and have always thought about going back to work, but realized this morning after re-reading chapter 2 that I am not finished repairing my hurts yet. I attended a Mental Health Awareness meeting last night for our youth, and I knew that this was one more step down the path the LORD is taking me in helping me get back to the work force, but this morning I also realized, that I have been at home hiding from the truth. The truth is that I do not want to go back to work because I do not feel like I am capable of doing any job. At least at home, I can make mistakes and they remain hidden from the outside world. I do not want to feel the sting of rejection from co-workers, or feel the loneliness of not being able to fit in with the people I work with. I don’t want to feel like the people who hire me, regret their decision because I am just such a screw up. I don’t want to feel the sting of accusations ever again.
I also realize, that most of what I see, is the way I choose to interpret things and not the way it really is. I give the mask of “I’m fine” often, because I think I will lose my friends by telling them of my self doubt and appear like I am whining. The first thing we were told last night at the seminar was to let your children know that we are there to listen to them without judgment and with unconditional love for them. After reading chapter 2, I realized, I also have that unconditional love and can confess my weakness to God without judgment. I can turn to him and share my doubts and then open my heart to allow him to finish the good works he began in me until they are completed at the time of Christ’s coming. I continue to pray that the LORD strengthen my heart and fill it with the love he has for me, so that I may turn and love others in the same way. I pray for strength to listen and follow his path, for his will make my way straight when I follow his will for me.
I can relate to wanting to keep the status quo instead of making a change due to fear. And sometimes, God does keep us at one stage of life because we’re not quite ready to move on to the next one yet. But while we’re here, He is preparing us. I think that for most Christians, even those in the Bible, they spend more time preparing to serve God than actually serving God. So don’t think of your time as “hiding”, rather God is grooming for you something new. And when the time comes, whatever it may be, you will experience His glory and strength. God bless!
I never thought I would see those words written by someone else about working. So many things just flooded my mind. I also have four children and have stayed home for the last 12. I quit my job to “stay home with the kids”, but deep down inside, I quit because I felt I was incapable and eventually someone, everyone, was going to notice. I have every excuse in the book to not go back to work. Again for about the fourth time in just this day’s posting, I have been able to relate. I have so many different, strong and painful struggles going on in my life, so much drama. It is a constant struggle to just hang on for dear life!
I thought I was an open person with the people that are close to me, but I have realized with reading chapter 2 and this blog post that there is a lot of fear and insecurity that I am dealing with. I think when I share I try to put a Pollyanna spin on it so it isn’t too bad. Also, I try to monitor how much sharing of my struggles that I am doing because I don’t want my friends to look at me and say, “You struggle to much, I don’t want to be your friend.” It may sound silly, but I feel like I struggle with something all the time and I grow weary of myself, so I would completely understand if those around me would feel the same. I wish that I could have more “good days” free of panic and anxiety and more of peace and the ability to rest in God…to get my head and my emotions lined up.
Latisha, it does not sound silly to me. I can relate to what you are saying. God gave me a “Pollyanna” temperament, not a bad thing at all. But I can allow it to work with my insecurities against me. It is difficult for me, but I am learning that to walk like I believe, even when I don’t “feel” like I believe is not hypocritical, but faithful. I don’t do it as well today as I will in a year, but I do it better than I did a year ago, or 5 years ago. And I count that as success. I believe that our fears and insecurities today will be His strength in our weakness as we lean on and trust in Him more fully. Praying for more “good days” and His peace.
Thank you Becky!
Why is it never enough? Why are the people that love me never enough? That is a question that I have asked myself. That is what makes me feel “not fine”.
When I was a child, I wanted to keep people happy, or at least not mad at me. When I would get into trouble, I took that to mean that I had to fix it so they would love me again. I had to do something to earn back their love. Even though they never took it away, I thought they did. During adolescence, I got tired of trying to make people happy, I began to rebel from “being good”, at least privately. I rebelled, and then the shame of it told me that if my parents knew they wouldn’t love me anymore. That thought coupled by the frequency of my rebellion caused me to withdraw from my family. I confined myself to my room when I was at home and rarely spoke kindly to anyone in my family. I began to dislike them, see their flaws, be annoyed by them. I think now that this was to make me feel better about my idea of them not loving me.
I continued down this path of private rebellion, but all things will not remain unknown. That is when lying entered in, I denied or made excuses for my sins that I could not deny due to proof. I had sympathy on my side. I could say, “You don’t understand my pain. You have never had to deal with the death of a friend. You don’t know how I feel. Just leave me alone.” And it worked. I was left alone and that was my proof that they didn’t love me. Sure I had told them to leave me alone, but what I really wanted was to tell them everything that I had done wrong and for them to tell me that they loved me anyway.
Following graduation, I went into the military hoping that I could make up for who I had become. While serving, I was sexually harassed and later abused. I stuffed it down, and tried to keep my head up. I fell into a deep depression and tried to kill myself. Even though I studied how to do it, was careful not to send any red flags, and even barricaded myself from rescue, I survived. I was rescued. By only God’s strength and leading, I was able to make it to the door and unlock it when people were sent to find me. But I came home with all that shame that was no longer private. As soon as I could I moved out on my own away from my family again. I could not take their questions or their acting like nothing happened.
When I met my now husband, I decided to tell him everything about me. To dare him to stay after knowing how bad I was. I tried to push him away. Surprisingly, he stayed. All I had told him made him see that I was a person who had bad things happen to me, yes some of them I had made bad choices and there had been consequences, but I was not bad. And definitely worth loving. I did not understand. I could not understand. Why would this man who had everything going for him throw it away for me. I wasn’t worth it. At least that is what I thought. But he said I was. We have been married for 13 years now, and I am a completely different person than the one he met and married. Not because of his love only, but because of God’s love for me shown through Jesus. It took awhile for me to change my behavior. I tried many times to push my husband away, and I almost did. Our marriage almost fell apart a few years ago. You see he had messed up. And our counselor told me one day, as I was saying, “He wants to leave fine, he can leave.” She said he doesn’t want to leave, he needs grace.” I thought, “Oh, no I can’t do that.” But you know what, I did because God gives us grace everyday. I thought it would be hard, that I wouldn’t be able to forgive, and never forget. But it was so freeing. Freeing in not having to remember, not having to remind him or myself of his error. It opened up a whole new level for us. A marriage that I am amazed at what God has done. No, my husband can’t fulfill or fill me. But God has shown Himself through my husband’s love and then I got to show God’s grace to my husband. Due to that, my husband has changed and now follows God. He always believed there was a God, but we saw and experienced Him and His power of redemption. God can love us through people, but we can’t make people God.
Thank you so much for sharing! It’s awesome how God was able to transform you through His blessings as well as your husband’s love. It’s heartbreaking to read that you did not feel like you had unconditional love as a young child. Because you were afraid of being rejected by your family, you rejected them first and distanced yourself as a means of protection. It’s a tactic I’m far too familiar with. And constantly feeling like you have earn everyone’s approval? I can relate all too well. But I’m so grateful that God was able to protect you and rescue so miraculously! Your story is inspiring and God is glorified in your life. And the best part is that you don’t need to earn or work for His love. You can live in freedom today!
I can’t agree with you more! I am so surprised when I think of all the things that God has done in my life. I hope that by sharing my journey it would help others somehow. After I posted it, I really wanted to take it down, but I couldn’t find a way. It is hard to be honest about the hurtful and embarrasing stuff, but God never wastes our pain.
Thank you…I just realized that I just want someone to love me anyway.
I love that song by Sidewalk Prophets, “You love me anyway”