How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
I think most of us tend to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in. But, we long to be able to let our guards down and depend on other, especially when we’re in need of help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! Today she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God and His grace can be my sufficiency… if I let HIM be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click here to visit my website and connect with our ACH community!
- If you are on my site, click “Share Your Thoughts” and do just that. (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I’ve been broken and shaken by many people close to my heart – through blood and circumstantial acquaintance. I’ve literally and figuratively declared God as my HIDING PLACE….where I am safe….safe from other’s opinions, safe from other’s comparisons, safe from rumors and gossip….protected.
I am discovering the importance of the “body of Christ” in the process of this, because it feels that I can’t be all God has created me to be without becoming the matching “PUZZLE PIECE” in another’s life…who may need to know about my brokenness in order to mend their own. And I just may need them to mend mine.
Everything that I’ve gone through may be for “JUST A TIME AS THIS”. Praying for courage to conquer the fear of “BEING EXPOSED” for the sake of God’s ministry through me.
Amen Pillar!
I too try to hide and say everything is fine. I am a single mom of two girls, one with a genetic disorder causing constant pain in her life. It is so hard knowing her father is just 1.5 hrs away but does nothing to help. Then God brings this man into my life, wonderful but with baggage nobody would want. I fought God, let this man in and thought he was the one. Five months later I receive a totally unexpected break-up. There are days I just want to hide at home and not let anyone see the pain I am going through watching my daughter suffer and while my heart tries to heal. My friends seem like they want to be there with me, but there are days I think it’s easier to say I am fine and walk away. I just have to remember to trust in God.
I’m also broken. So broken in fact that I’m forcing myself to read this book and believe that HE is still with me. I have prayed for healing for a long time but haven’t received it. I have so much ugliness inside that I want to let go but I cant. I also tell people that “I’m fine”, why? Because I have found that the very people that I should trust and have trusted are the ones that betray me. How can I be authentic and tell people the truth when I do not trust them in the first place?
I am in the same exact place you are in. In fact I have been skimming through all the posts just to find one that was similar to the way I feel and happened to stop at yours. I pray that you will find your healing through this study.
Anytime someone asks how I am doing, I always say I am doing fine or well or great no matter what is going on in my life. There are many things going on that I won’t get into right now, and my life is not fine right now. I think people expect that response because they don’t want to take the time to really listen to what you are going through. Sure, you can talk to your closest friends about how you are doing, but you should be able to talk to anyone. We should all share our pains and joys in life with each other. I think we should start telling the truth when someone asks how we are and see just how many people really care.
Thanks Melanie and Renee. I always said that Fine means Feelings Inside Never Expressed… but I liked yours as well. Sometimes i hesistate because are people asking because they really want to know or are they just saying it as in a brief conversation? I am learning to discern who really cares about me, little old me. I love he paragraph on page 43.. Jesus cares and He wants to heal our hearts. the Bible has one occuring theme… where is your heart? Is it full of love as Jesus wants it to be or is it full of sin? Is going to follow God or do your own thing? Thanks again for the blog.
After reading some of the posts, here, I’m feeling a lot better; like, I’m not the only one.
I’m struggling with a “dream” (a calling), and I feel like I have no support. Many feel like I’m too old to pursue it, others think I’m in some “phase” of life that will eventually pass, and some have outright told me that I’ll never see this dream realized. Even some of my closest friends made light of it and offered negative comments, so I slowly distanced myself from them. I struggled with doubt, and low confidence in pursuing this dream in early adulthood, especially after my own mother ridiculed me for having it. I admit that God has allowed me to cross paths with experts in the field of my “dream” who have encouraged me to pursue it, but my confidence level is so low that I’m beginning to think that those experts are kooks!
While I’m not at the point of being honest with others about how I’m doing, I am now able to be honest with God about that. (I even told Him, this morning, that I think those experts are kooks!) How do I believe, I mean really believe, God’s promises it seems like doors of opportunity to realize my “dream” are continuously being slammed in my face, or not even opened at all? I told God, this morning, that I’m having a hard time believing His promises. I wouldn’t dare tell that to any Christians that I know, because I’m afraid they’ll view me as a child of the devil, himself. I feel comfortable sharing my feelings with this on-line group. Thanks, Renee, for heeding God’s call to create this outlet for me and so many others.
It saddens me reading all the hurt we hide from others… how we feel that we have to be our families’ rock. I’m going to be honest here because this study is about being honest… I’m not honest with God, my family, friends or myself, so here I go. March was a very hard month for me. I am in a depressed state of mind. I am a mother of 4 and how could I not be fine for them? I would get home from work do the basics and lay in bed… allowing their father to take care of their need, which in turn makes me feel worse because they’re my babies I’m suppose to hug them and take care of them when they’re crying out for me. I hide what I am feeling from the world and you look at me and everything’s ok. My son, who passed away when he was 6 months old, was born in March and although I think/act like I have gotten over that lose… the truth is I have not… that hurt I still carry on me and I feel like it has affected me from being the GREAT mother he made me to be. I’m so BLESSED to have signed up for this study and I pray this will give us ALL the healing we so desire. I pray we tear down our walls and be honest so He can sustain us and heal our hearts so when we’re asked “How are you?” we can say with all Honesty as daughters of the King “We’re not only fine, we’re HEALED!!” Ladies I pray for the enemy to let go of this stronghold he has on us and our hearts so that we may live in the PEACE He left us. In Jesus’ Name I pray… AMEN!!
My husband left me for another woman and I wanted to save our marriage. He filed, & we have been divorced over a year now. The pain is still there and I don’t understand why this had to happen. I am 53 and never thought I would be living in an apartment and trying to find myself. I am not fine and days that I am hopeless. The rejection hurts and trust is an issue too. Please pray for me.
praying now
God is a healer. I pray that He will heal you and show that you can trust Him.
I’m also going through divorce… There’s been so many hurts and pains because of his infidelity. I have three children that are hurting as well right now and that’s the worse part. To see your children suffer for their dad’s wrong choices. With so many other things financial,emotional and phychological issues, it’s just too much! The feeling of loneliness and pain and hurts and rejection..who can save us? Thank’s be to Jesus who is our healer! Our redeemer, friend,savior,teacher. He is our refuge, rock and deliverer. He is our provider, protector. Our God who is faithful and true to his promises to us. The one who will never leave us nor forasake.I pray that you will choose to believe God’s promises to you. I pray that you will allow your self to trust Him and you will see that He alone is our hope. The only true source of real joy. You will know how to be whole again in Jesus! Ask, seek and knock He’s ben waiting for you!
I am so grateful to have friends who can see right through my “I’m fine” mask! But not all of us have those people in our lives. I pray that God will bring just the right person into each of our lives who can lovingly ask us to take off the mask and be real with them…people who won’t accept the standard “I’m fine” response…who really want to hear what’s going on with us and will walk that journey with us.
My experience has also been that even if we have people who really want to know how we are doing, trusting enough to tell them the truth can be so difficult. So I also pray that God will allow us to trust him with our hearts, and in turn trust the people He brings into our lives.
Thanks for these wonderful words from Melanie today and for a great study, Renee!
This post spoke to my heart in such a real way. So often I’ve sat on that park bench or in the church pew and have had every one of those thoughts and feelings. So many days I have been completely overwhelmed and have to remind myself that His grace is sufficient for me. But, amen, His grace IS sufficient for me! What a promise from the One who does meet my every need…oftentimes not in the way I would like or expect…but He does meet my every need, no matter how great or small.
I am not FINE either. For many years I pretended to be fine for the fear of rejection and embarrassment. When I looked around it looked like the people around me were all fine and everything was going well for them. It worked for few years of my life until some unfortunate events happen and my health started to deteriorate and I didn’t know where to turn for help. My own husband and family watched me suffer through 1000 sleepless nights, panic attacks and anxiety. They didn’t understand, and were too busy with their own lives and work yet they expected me to act and live life like it was before, like nothing ever happened. I tried to share my struggles with my friends but quickly I realized that I was losing them because they didn’t want to be involved. And so I started to keep to myself. I don’t want to be hurt anymore by people, I don’t want to bear my soul to feel the hurt of rejection. I felt that if I can control my life I can keep my self from getting hurt again. But I don’t have any joy in life. I am doing better now than several years ago. I found that I can bear my soul to God and He will never reject me or leave me. Today as I was reading the post I realized that I am NOT in control of my life that I am held by the hands that control my own heartbeat. I can let go and let God be in control and He can heal the brokenhearted. Oh… but it is so hard!
I can so relate to your quote that “for many years I pretended to be fine for the fear of rejsection and embarassment.” About ten years ago, I had some issues come up with my health and we had no idea what was cuasing these isssues. So I pretended everything was “fine”. Even my husband, went along with the mentality that things were “fine”. So that brought on hiding and isolation in my life. Since then God has brought about some healing in my body but breaking through the act of being fine has become a way of life for me. But I hang onto God’s promise that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.
“We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.” That part of Melanie’s post really resonated with me. My husband is a big worrier and so many times I tell him that I have everything under control because I want to relieve his anxiety and fears. But I don’t have everything under control. And by saying that I do, I’m snubbing God and doing my husband a disservice. I need to drop my mask and let my husband see the true, real me.
I’m also following Tracie Miles blog (http://traciemiles.com/) and doing her marriage challenge. In the challenge, I’m on day 10 which talks about persevering and looking to God as our Strong One. It’s beautiful how things worked that I read that post and this one on the same morning. The connection between letting the mask fall and looking to God as our Strong One is simply perfect! God never ceases to amaze me!
I find that everyone is too busy to listen. Our world is running so fast, and no one wants to hear it. Everyone expects you to say “i’m fine”, even if you aren’t. And when you answer it with the real answer, “no I’m not fine” people don’t want to stop and hear it.
When I read chapter 2 I was struck with the part in the passage that says “When He spoke she heard gentleness in His voice. There was kindness and humility in His simple request. When she looked into His eyes she saw acceptance, not judgment:;love, not hate. She felt valueable in His presence. I want to be like that. I am hard and judgemental, unkind and boysterous, busy and focused. Lord, I want to be changed so that people see Your love in my eyes when the look at me. make me brave in you to be loving, and kind and humble.
Truly appreciate the post, but most importantly the line: “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” We often don’t want to say more than I’m fine for fear of sounding as if we are complaining, or that we’re dumping our issues on another, but this statement allows us to be real and transparent and get out the most important information while also allowing another to be transparent and experience the vulnerability of true relationship.
Thank you.
I think sometimes too, it’s hard to let down the “i’m fine” mask when others around you are not at that place to be real themselves yet. There have been times I have gotten real with people who were very uncomfortable with all the struggle and, well, the gunk. Then come the placid cliches that do nothing but make me sorry I ever revealed myself. I feel awkward and vulnerable and unsure where I stand with that relationship later on. I am also healing from revealing the bare bones of my heart to a relationship that ended toxic. It is hard to explain, but I will say there was a mix of co-dependency that I didn’t see until it was too late and everything went “kaboom”! It has been two years since then and I am still healing, and still terrified that if I reveal myself again, get real again, will it happen all over? Maybe I’m not the best judge of character. Maybe the one I think I can trust will really, in anger, lash out in slander and criticism. Maybe my heart will be missjudged again and I’ll not only lose the close friend I had, but others too. It happened before. How do you take that leap of faith and willingness to be vulnerable, when it’s been shown before that not everyone around you is going to know what to do with that, or be able to treat it with honor and tenderness and without judgement? I despretely want to again. I so long real closeness. I hate fake pretenses. it drives me crazy, God I can trust. It’s scary being real sometimes because I feel He will be disappointed in me, but I have to remind myself He’s already seen it, even before I ever realized what that sin was hiding in my heart He’d already been aware of it. Infact, it’s only Him showing me it’s there right now and it’s only okay because He died for that and He’s taking care of it, therefore I don’t have to be afraid of Him, and I don’t have to be afraid of what sin I might find that needs covering by Him. I need Him for that purpose! Him I can trust, but I am frankly… TERRIFIED to be real in front of people again.
I get that, being scared to be real in front of others. There are times I long for real closeness with someone where I can be me and let it all out. However sometimes I’m scared I don’t know who the real me is sometimes. I’m not so much scared that God will be disappointed in me cause I know He loves me unconditionally but I am afraid of the kind of ambassador if you will that I would be for Him if people knew what I was feeling and thinking sometimes. My sister is always quick to say “You call yourself a Christian and you…… fill in the blank” I usually hit back with I’m a Christian but not a push over and although I say the words the doubt will creep in about the kind of “face” the outside world is seeing.
I hear you and know the feeling. I think we will accomplish a lot in this group by learning to be real and by praying for each other. Praying for you. 🙂
I was brought up to mask my feelings. My mother would be yelling and screaming and as soon as phone rang and she picked it up she sounded like a completely different person. I learned to cover up my feelings through my laugh and I thought I was really good at it…no one could ever tell what I was truly feeling. When I finally decided to let my guard down and allow others and God to help and pray me through…the weight I had been carrying around for years finally melted away. It is such a freeing feeling to allow others to see the real me, know that I am not perfect and to love me through everything.
This post really hit home with me. I have recently re-entered the “dating game” after a 12 year marriage filled with severe emotional and mental abuse and rejection. I have dated several wonderful, Christian men, however, once we reach a point of defining our relationship, they leave without a trace. I’m left wondering what is wrong with me… with no chance of receiving the answers. The pain is something that my friends and family cannot understand. I try to be open and share my thoughts and feelings, but after hearing the standard “it happened for a reason” from them all, I finally just turn on the “I’m Fine” face and move on. My heart longs to love someone and to be loved deeply in return. This is my second time to go through “A Confident Heart”, I pray that the message of allowing God to pursue and fill the empty spaces in my heart takes root and grows into a lifelong relationship of seeking only Him to meet my needs.
I know this is supposed to be for our Bible study but I have an urgent prayer request. We were notified that our landlords and suppose to be friends want to sell the house. Where we live the rent has gone up and no one is willing to let you have pets. we have one small dog that we’ve had for years and is housebroke. We haven’t tried to buy because our credit is bad from when my husband was laid off and we lost our home where we used to live. We have no idea what we’re going to do! We also have our daughter and grand baby staying with us until her husband comes home from deployment. Every time I try to move closer to God and try to learn to trust Him and his promises something happens to make me wonder if He is hearing me at all. I know I shouldn’t be but I’m scared and angry. All we got was an email telling us about the house, not a call. We could really use all the prayer we can get. Thank you all.
Praying for your situation. God Bless You!! Nothing is too small for Our God!
thank you
Hi Pam I’m praying for you to. Our father we know you are the only one that can fill everything in our life and I lift Pam and her family up to you that you may help her out in the situation she’s in now and find a better place for her and her family to live at a reasonable charge and that she comes close to you and finds peace in her heart. We pray that Pam will keep trusting in you and believing in you through all life struggles that have and will come up in life in your name Christ Jesus we lay this in your hands we love you Amen
Thank you so much
Praying for you!
I pray that God will show up and show out in your situation and that you will never lose focus because that’s what the enemy wants. I pray that He will do the impossible because greater is He that is in you then he that is in the world. And if God is for you then who can be against you. I pray that His will be done in you and your family and that you will continue to trust Him no matter what you see, for we walk by faith not by sight. Lord, be with my dear sister in Jesus powerful name, Amen!
Thank you all for your prayers for me and my family, it means alot. I have been so distracted by all of this I have not had time to read the book or participate. Maybe it’s what the enemy intended. We have found a couple options and waiting today to make a final decision on what to do. Please pray that God directs us and those involved and for favor. Would you also pray that God heals our hearts and helps us to be Christ like during this situation? Thank you so much and I pray you all are having a good week.
PARDON ME FOR ASKING A SILLY QUESTION, but, What happened to April 3rd?
I see April 1 {week 1} A Confident Heart Online Study (April 2013)
I see April 2 {Week 1} To Be Known Is to Be Loved – chapter 2
but I do not see an April 3. AM I IN A TIME WARP?
I already feel time is slipping away – children grow so fast, I don’t need to be losing track of days now.
ALSO, for those of you going through FINANCIAL TROUBLE,
I am taking Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University.
I am only 2 weeks into this 9 week course and already I see hope.
I highly recommend his “baby steps.”
GOD BLESS ALL YOU WOMEN – I AM PRAYING FOR YOU.
Hey Dawn! For this particular study, there isn’t a post for every single day. Have you signed up for the emails? It’s nice to receive those automatically because they will be a little more informative than coming to the site each day on your own. 🙂 I love getting them because I need all the help I can get! 🙂 If you scroll up to the top of the sidebar, you’ll see a place to sign up for them. Hope this helps! 🙂 Bless you!
Okay, I did sign up, and have received the emails, but wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing something.
Thanks!
I am soooooo ready to fling the mask as far as i can. I have always been the type to tell my feelings but here recently i have said “I’m Fine” till i am blue in the face, I am not but when I try to share my i am not fine those around me snarl and i guess even gloat in my sufferings so its like how can i share if jealousy rears it ugly head over pain you’d think one would be quick to embrace but i have found just the opposite. I still express myself as i can to my coworkers as humbly as i can and keep my mind focused on Him, cause I know if one would only put aside self for a moment they could relate. Only the LORD can help me.
I read my post and wow it was a vent and i dont mean for it to be that way but this study couldnt have come at a more perfect time. All of it resonates so deeply and this is how i have felt for a while now. All i want to do is to love my neighbor as myself and its difficult but i know this is what is expected of me and i trust this study will help me get back my confidence in Him and be that willing vessel.
Hello Amanda don’t worry about your post is just fine that’s what all those women are here for to pray and help each other and to change our own lives to. So keep sharing and will keep praying and in Christ we love you Amen