How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
I think most of us tend to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in. But, we long to be able to let our guards down and depend on other, especially when we’re in need of help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! Today she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God and His grace can be my sufficiency… if I let HIM be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click here to visit my website and connect with our ACH community!
- If you are on my site, click “Share Your Thoughts” and do just that. (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I am incredibly guilty of using the “i’m fine” mask. I’m a stay at home mom of 7 beautiful and healthy children. I’m happily married to a man who is my best friend and I’m blessed beyond measure! With all that being said you may ask “what could she possibly need to hide behind”? I’ve asked myself this many times and there are a couple things that stick out. 1.. I struggle with lonliness and isloation. My husband works long hours to provide for us and I’m so thankful for that but it leaves me feeling lonely, incredibly lonely! 2…I have always struggled with being a people pleaser and I obsess over things being “just right”. I often feel like the “i’m fine” mask is worn because others will look at me and say im so ungrateful if I appear otherwise! I have what many moms wish they could have. To appear anything less than “FINE” would be wrong right? That is exactly what I struggle with……..I long for good godly companionship, I feel isolated with the duties and chores of a busy mom and wife! I know this is where I am meant to be and I’m tremendously blessed to be able to be home. This is precisely what most people would say…….So, therefore I should be nothingless than ” just fine”. I have been praying lately for God to bring some good Christian ladies into my life. Im realizing that I can come to God about anything and He wants to meet me where I am. Im excited to see what will come from this study. Thank you Renee!! God bless!
Kristy,
I’m so thankful to be a stay at home mom too. I only have 2 little ones so far.
Isn’t it wonderful that we live in a time that we can connect with other women, without having to pack up all the kids and go somewhere? I’m thinking of even 50 years ago when a women with sick kids would be issolated for months in the cold dark winter with only a few neighbors for support.
Thank God for the internet, and Thank God for Renee for starting this blog.
Hi Kristy
I was a single mom and could never stay at home but I have the upmost respect for the women than can. I’m a stay at home (or in the shop ) all the time now and we are raising my boyfriends sisters grandbaby girl. His sister is passed a way. the mommy is on drugs and we have her. She is almost 5 years now we have had her sence she was 3 months. I go crazy with her all the time so God has Blessed you with 7 children and you still have hair lol My hat is off to all stay at home moms not becouse you get to stay at home but for doing it and loving your childern enough to do it. I know you need breaks and if I was around I would thake them for a whole day for you. I may be crazy staying home with Mary but I would not change it for the world. With love in Christ.
Today’s information was selected just for me… I have long been the person that holds our family together. I am the one everyone calls to tell about their problems and search for the positive spin I always try to find for them. This position of gluing the family together can be so exhausting!! Four Years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember rarely showing any struggle I was feeling as to not upset my husband, parents and children who were already struggling with my diagnosis. I never want to be a burden to anyone. I find it so difficult to rest and allow others to help me and even as detrimental to me as it is- I always push forward. From a self esteem position, the ability to trudge forward is some convoluted way makes me feel stronger. I really need to find ways to open up easier without feeling that loss of ability to support others.
Nikki…..I can relate to EVERYTHING you posted!! I feel very much the same way! It’s almost like I have to say ” im fine” because everyone needs and expects me to be! This is going to be a learning process for me! Im praying for you today Nikki that you can break free as well! God bless you!
I relate to this too, Nikki. I want to be honest with people, but I know people are busy, I don’t want to take up their time! So Here is 2 things we can do:
When someone asks “How are you?” Give a short honest answer.
That way, if they want to know more they’ll ask. But you’re not intruding on their schedule – after all they asked!
When someone asks you to pray for them, do so and THEN say, could you pray for me as well?
Give them one brief thing to pray for. Usually people would be flattered and honored to return the favor.
As you do these 2 things, you will find the people in your life who really want to help, and those are the people who you could go into more details with.
Thank you for the reminder that if I say “I’m fine” I am taking control of my life and not letting God do all that He can in my life and for me. I feel a relief just knowing I don’t have to be alone and try to always have the smile on my face.
Amen to that Peg. it dose feel good to know we are not alone. but painful too to know so many women feel like we do. in Christ love Amen
I want to say fine too, but, people really don’t want to hear it. People do shy away from it….Everyone is too busy and have their own issues and don’t want to hear anyone elses. Or they feel theirs is worse and have no empathy for yours. Also I find that people are looking for others who are in a better position than themselves……people that can help them……once they find out you are human too, they DO lose or change the way they think of you etc.
Said, and lonely place to be. I want to be fine in the Lord! Joy in the Lord and not depend on others!
I wholeheartedly agree with you, Ang. Even my loving husband of 20+ yrs. really doesn’t want to hear that things in my life aren’t fine, and that really hurts. I’ve come to realize today that I need to go to the Lord FIRST and tell Him that I’m not fine and pour my heart out to Him. I cannot expect people to meet my needs, only the Lord can do that AND change the situation. God bless you!
I wholeheartedly agree with you, Ang. Even my loving husband of 20+ yrs. really doesn’t want to hear that things in my life aren’t fine, and that really hurts. I’ve come to realize today that I need to go to the Lord FIRST and tell Him that I’m not fine and pour my heart out to Him. I cannot expect people to meet my needs, only the Lord can do that AND change the situation.
Wow!…my emotions are very *raw* at this moment. The “I am fine” syndrome has been my lifelong, constant companion. Along with this companion, she brought a friend….her name is pain. Presently, I am struggling with being open with others. I don’t know how…I don’t know if anyone cares…and I am not comfortable in being this way. Prayers are greatly appreciated for I know I want to be free from the grasps of my two companions named, “I am Fine” and “Pain.” 🙁
Renee, THANK YOU for this study!
Hi Donna I also had the two sisters in my life is a lie they come hand-in-hand but my prayers are with you and I’m not fine either I just need to learn to let people know that and take off my mask. So we will altogether in this journey to find our confidence in our walk with Jesus our Lord. In Christ love and prayers Amen
Donna, I too struggled with “Pain” and saying “I am fine” for many years. I want to assure you that someone does care and His name is Jesus. He loves you and understands your heart. Our Father has brought me through those two unwanted companions and He was with me all the way. He will do the same for you. I will pray for you my sister. May our Lord bless you.
Thank you so much for this post. I am forever saying I am fine when in reality I am so not ok sometimes. I am blessed with 2 beautiful children after fertility issues and miscarriages so I feel like I should say I’m fine. Well the past few years have been rough. My husband finished law school 3 years ago and just took the bar exam for the fourth time. Yes fourth. I love him and am prou of his accomplishments but sometimes would love to scream when there are 2 mouths to feed and we still struggle because of this costly endeavor. The loan payments are now due and we are overwhelmed with this added large expense. This year we had a house fire that added to the bills and aggravation. Are we healthy, have The Lord and happy. Overall yes, but there are times I am just not fine. It’s so hard as Christians to say we are not ok because I feel people judge us and say well you should trust in The Lord. Well I do trust him fully but he also understands our pain and no matter how big or small out issue it’s ok to cry and scream sometimes. I think if that song by Amy grant “better than a hallelujah”. God wants to hear our cries. He loves us and what better a shoulder to cry on. Thank you to all you ladies who understand our struggles as moms, wives and sometimes the rocks we are suppose to be when all we need is that outlet.
Sometimes are past has a way of catching up with our future. When you’ve looked for love and acceptance all your life–the “I’m Fine Mask” seems to be just a part of the norm. Because you REALLY aren’t fine, you often wonder when you ever will be. Had I known about God’s unconditional love all along, maybe the mask would of have lost some of it’s value a long time ago. Instead, I spent most of my life in church, but never relationally attached to God. There is a difference, I’ve now learned. So I tell Him my problems–because I know He’ll listen, He’s always available, and He truly loves and cares about me.
I just want to thank you, Renee, for sharing your heart and for allowing us to share ours.
Sometimes it is easier to be transparent when someone, who you know cares about you, asks “How are you, really?” When someone is just asking in order to make polite conversation, they probably expect an “I’m fine.”
It’s harder to say you are fine, though, when things definitely are not My family and I went through a time of being criticized, judged, attacked. That was a very difficult time, thankfully things are quiet now,since the people who started the drama stopped.
I’m enjoying this book and Bible study!
Bless you Karen!
I too am going through my 2nd divorce, I also thought I’d be married until I died. Things have been terrible and the feelings of dispair and hopeliness have abided in me. I have met someone also going through what i’m going through and what I thought was going to turn into another relationship, i now have my doubts. Everytime I voice my concerns I am fighting and arguing and he leaves. He says he’s not going to fight and argue, I have found myself once again alone. I know God is with me through all of this, but sometimes I still feel very alone. I am going through this session in hopes that it helps pull me out of the pit I’m in. Please pray for me!
I will be praying for you
Well, this is very interesting…I am a open book and not much do I hide from anyone…But have been told that I have deeper issues when I feel the way I do…Hope I can make sense with this:)
I have been told I need deliverence, because i desire friendships and committed to ones God places in my path…If one leaves, I am broken for awhile and it takes me time to let go….so does anyone feel this is an issue…?
I feel it is just loving somone thats in my life and thankful for the friendships God allows me to have and share him and have the same understandings as daughters of GOD, and apprecaites relationships..
Like to hear your thoughts..
Patty: From what you have written here, it surely doesn’t seem like you need deliverance. I agree with what you have written in the second paragraph. It sounds like you have a heart like God. He is very committed to us and calls us friends. 🙂 Surely you are discerning in what you share with others – seeking God’s direction. God bless you, sweet sister in Christ.
I think we can agree that it is much easier to say “I’m fine” than to share our troubles, concerns, and issues especially with church members. I feel we are expected to be fine, and the one place we need to be honest or should be able to be honest…..we may not feel safe to do so. People are too busy to listen, to offer comfort, to love on the unlovely. Many of us have been hurt by the world and many of us have been hurt in churches and by pastoral staff…so it is difficult to take off that mask. I for one am not good at pretending so even if my voice says “I’m fine”…you will see it in my eyes. I encourage those who need that safe person to talk too…..to talk to Jesus…ask Him for help and guidance….and ask Him to bring those safe people in your lives that you can share and be yourself around….some people have the gift of encouragement….and those are the people we can share with….but ultimately…Jesus is our healer, our confidant, our comforter….let Him guide you into HIs truth in your situation. Pray and read His word and He will guide you. He will speak to you and guide you in the direction you should go. Start in His Word and then listen for His voice. He longs to be your everything! He loves you with an everlasting love! Be blessed sweet sisters and listen to what He says about you and not what you or the world says about you. Let him renew your mind and heal your heart.
Sonia, you’ve taking the words out of my mouth. I agree its easier to say we are fine than explain our complicated issues. I also agree that people are “too busy” to listen. We are human and flawed. This is where I feel as women we have failed each other. We need to make growing in Christ together a priority. We need to make time for our sisters in Christ. And as you pointed out, we need to stay in His truth. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I was just thinking before I read your about how even if I wanted to share with someone how not fine I am, I have no one. I try with my husband but he just gets frustrated with my negative emotions and typically it ends up making the situation worse. I know I can talk to Jesus, and He wants me to….I just feel like He isn’t there anymore, like He says “Oh boy here she comes again complaining about how she isn’t good enough or she isn’t important”. I know it’s probably not how He is, I just am not sure how to get out of this way of thinking.
So I think in my life I have finally understood that I am not fine. I think I am trying to accept that Im not fine… I do that best when I look to the One that can hold all my broken pieces together. I have always wanted to just be fine until recently I have decided that maybe I should embrace the fact that I am not and filter it through Him and see what happens. I love the Hebrew word for “know”. The Lord already knows Im not fine and thats okay with Him that Im not fine. Page 41 said we can offer nothing but our presence and He will desire us just the same. What a restful thought to me . I also appreciated the sentence that said He notices and cares enough to tell us our hearts need repair. Maybe when I embrace that I am not fine instead of trying to be fine then I can give attention to the places that need repair. Maybe not being fine is more of a gift if I choose to filter the not fine through Him.
Renee thanks so much for your suggestion to take God’s word and create a prayer!
Here is my prayer from the scripture for today 2 Cor 12:9: “Lord give me your grace and lead me to be confident in sharing my weaknesses. Fulfill your promise that your grace is sufficient for me. Show me how to let the power of Christ dwell in me; so that I can be perfected in weakness.”
I am so glad to be doing this study online and grateful to share with everyone. Looking forward to the great blessings we will receive from God!
Kim: that prayer is perfect- I will be praying it today:-)
Thanks Kim I wrote this down and I’m going to put it on my bathroom wall so I can read it every day. I write down a lot of verses that people qoute becouse I ‘m just learning the bible I can’t even tell you all the book of the bible yet. I act like I do sometimes in church but i’m just reading alot and writing a lot so I can put it in my heart for life. Amen
I found this little card I want to share here it is
Faith Step:
As you pour yourslef a cup of coffee or tea this morning, use it as a visual reminder to ask Jesus to fill you up with His strenght, courage, and love.
Nice quote I think.I give credit to who ever wrote it has no name on it.
Prayers and love in Christ
Boy is this scary removing your mask. Fear of letting others in and know the true me. Whoever tat is. Will they walk out of my life like so many. Was brought up not to air your problems, keep them to yourself or your weak. I have let a friend in September of 2011 that I opened up to. I go to a support group with her. But I’m still guarded and say I’m fine. I’ve tried talking to the ministers wife but don’t feel it goes anywhere. Dealing with betrayal and a struggling marriage. How do I do this and still honor and respect my husband. I can’t share these issues. Going to re-read chapter 2 again. Thanks for sharing your story Melanie.
Praying for you!
Yes! It is scary. I completely agree… and sweet friend, I am praying for your marriage. I completely understand what you are saying. Sometimes our stories are not completely ours to tell… God knows and He sees. He loves you, and I do too.
I’m not sure how to answer other than fine? To my parents not answering fine would make my mentally unstable mom more unstable. To my friends I would have to be vulnerable not some thing I’m comfortable with. I could go threw the list of who and why not to let someone know I’m not fine. Lord I pray you send me someone I can be vulnerable with, to honestly answer “I’m not always fine to”
I have started chapter 2, but I felt the need to go back to chapter 1 and think it through a little more. I must tell you, the part on pg. 21 about wondering if you were in the wrong calling has really hit home with me. I cannot tell you how many times I have questioned if I am supposed to be doing something or not doing something. I wonder if it is God’s way of telling me that it is not the right thing for me. Now, I am so unsure. Is it just my own doubts? Is it even real?
I just wanted to say thank you for doing this study. I am looking forward to progressing.
Since December of 2010 my father died suddenly I lost my job, my baby sister became extermly ill, we are still battling that annd my natural mother and step-father where killed in a car accident it’ll in a span of 5 months. Just as I was regaining my bearings my husbands brother was electricuted, and nine days prior to the 1 yr anniversary of his death, my step-son, 6 weeks after his high school graduation, 3 weeks before his 19th birthday, died in a single car accident. As if that is not enough, for the past 2 yrs I have endured about 30 injections in my eyes, having my drivers license revoke because of my eye sight, and having my independence removed. I am a diabetic. I am sick as unto death of hiding behind a mask, of making sure “you” (meaning causal friends, people at church, etc.) do not have to extend yourself beyond your casual greeting, so, saying I am FINE, allows them to walk away with that self satisfied feeling that they have shown forth that hand of fellowship and all is well. Don’t ask me if you aren’t prepared to hear me. I am raw with pain, I sit alone at home waiting for my husband to get off work, or for day off so that I can do what has to be done out side the home. Sometimes my step mom comes. Once in awhile a friend calls- but I have learned that if you open up they quickly run away. My church family, my Christian employe rand best friend, gone- I sometimes feel like Job-
Removing the mask will expose not only the truth to others, but to ourselves as well. Healing, progress, new friends and relationships can not come until the ability to open ourselves honestly to each other- to trust the Fathers heart. If I can’t look at myself honestly how can I be honest with God.
So this is me: I am angry, confused, in shock, lost, no direction, feel hopeless, I want to scream, to hurt someone, to understand, I want to be happy again, to be spiritually grounded like I was, to see the light at the tunnels end, to sleep through the night, to not fear the unknown- but for now I am fine……..
I can only imagine the pain and hurt you are feeling. I may not be able to do anything to physically help, and I won’t preach the usual hang in there, God knows stuff. I know when we are hurting we don’t want to hear platitudes. I will say that I am praying for you. And that my heart is breaking for you. And as best we can here in cyberspace, I am standing with you.
Dianne – I am praying for healing and peace for you my sister!
Sister, will be your prayer warrior!! You have dealt with more than most will ever in one lifetime. Your post has touched my heart deeply. My prayer is you will held ever so tightly in the arms of our Jesus as he carries you through this journey of pain. I care about you! If a stranger that doesn’t have it all together,has many bumps in life that has caused scars,someone that also wants to be more than “fine”, can care about you then can you start to know how much our Jesus is crazy in love with you and wants to hold you and catch every tear you cry? Sister, you are a brave woman to have posted your journey for us. Today is a new beginning for us all. That my friend, includes you! HUGS!
Diane my heart breaks for you as I was reading your post you are a brave woman and a strong woman for sharing your true feelings with strangers in cyberspace. I’ve only shared a little about my story but I can relate to some of the pain you are going through with the loss of family members and things. Why allows my oldest son at age 32 unexpectedly to a heart attack October 11, 2012 and it just so happened to be my 20 Th anniversary with my boyfriend the same day. But remember as Madeline Christina Pam and all the others that will answer disposed We As Sisters in Christ or Standing with You and Praying for Your Healing and Peace As We Traveled This Journey Together. With Christ love Amen
Dianne……sending blessings and hugs and hope to you today….ALL because of Jesus! Your life and its trials have the makings of a beautiful masterpiece!….hold His hand and trust Him to weave everything into that beautiful tapestry that will radiantly reflect His love and beauty and mercy! This is bigger than you!…… It is easy for someone to say who is just looking in, but……..as an observer to all that you have written……just REST!….. and let God turn EVERYTHING out for good! He promised He would do that for all who love and trust in Him!!!!
To Madeline, Christina, Pam, Angela 2 and Laurie
How can I thank you for the encouragement, compassion and love sent my way today. I have and will continue to hold tight, because I do believe that there is a greater purpose, that what we walk through is never just for us, it will be used to minister to others. If nothing else, I removed my mask today, I want to walk in honesty, to let others know that trials, tribulation and trouble comes to everyone, I want to be a safe place for someone else to remove their mask. Thank you for standing with me today, thank you for being my sisters!!!!!!!! Sending much love and prayers to you all.
Love
Dianne
I am a so grateful for this study and Melanie’s post today. I needed this for today. I so often tell others I am fine but know how I really feel inside. Others sometimes expect me to be fine and to have gotten over the hurt inside me. God has been working in this study at this time in my life. I know I need not fear taking off the mask. Today I will trust God in my journey.
Bless you Deb!
trust God everyday Bless you girls Amen
Thanks a lot Renee. I just completed chapter 2. Your words “Today can be the day the gospel of Grace moves from your head to your heart” really got to me. I have been a Christian for so long and I pray that indeed today my heart not my head will receive Jesus. I believe that sometimes i struggle because what i have is a head knowledge of Christ.
Please pray for me as we journey together in what I believe will be a phenomenal life transformation for us all.
Praying And Amen to what you said.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much this post spoke to me. I have spent my whole life trying to be perfect because afterall that is what was expected of me…you must be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife and the perfect mother. Always smile and remember you are fine, Do Not air your dirty laundry in public. You must always dress just right, act just right and be just right so when you hurt you push that into the dark creavesses of yourself because out of sight, out of mind. That’s like telling someone don’t cry and don’t feel, don’t love. Life is full of hurts along the way so allow yourself the right to feel and trust God that there’s nothing he can’t or won’t bring you thru. My one regret is that I didn’t get to know him until I was over 50 years old, I always believed but I was brought up with the idea that if I made a mistake or failed God would punish me…so totally Untrue! when you admit you screwed up, he loves you even more. Life would been have so much more rewarding if I had know this so many years ago because I punished my self for the mistakes I had made worse than God or anyone else could have. I’m still a work in progress as we all are and I’m still working to get to know God better and I’m so thankful that he Loves Me!
Amen Nancy! Thank you God for your perfect timing. He is good … All the time!