How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
I think most of us tend to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in. But, we long to be able to let our guards down and depend on other, especially when we’re in need of help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! Today she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God and His grace can be my sufficiency… if I let HIM be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click here to visit my website and connect with our ACH community!
- If you are on my site, click “Share Your Thoughts” and do just that. (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I am not FINE either. For many years I pretended to be fine for the fear of rejection and embarrassment. When I looked around it looked like the people around me were all fine and everything was going well for them. It worked for few years of my life until some unfortunate events happen and my health started to deteriorate and I didn’t know where to turn for help. My own husband and family watched me suffer through 1000 sleepless nights, panic attacks and anxiety. They didn’t understand, and were too busy with their own lives and work yet they expected me to act and live life like it was before, like nothing ever happened. I tried to share my struggles with my friends but quickly I realized that I was losing them because they didn’t want to be involved. And so I started to keep to myself. I don’t want to be hurt anymore by people, I don’t want to bear my soul to feel the hurt of rejection. I felt that if I can control my life I can keep my self from getting hurt again. But I don’t have any joy in life. I am doing better now than several years ago. I found that I can bear my soul to God and He will never reject me or leave me. Today as I was reading the post I realized that I am NOT in control of my life that I am held by the hands that control my own heartbeat. I can let go and let God be in control and He can heal the brokenhearted. Oh… but it is so hard!
I can so relate to your quote that “for many years I pretended to be fine for the fear of rejsection and embarassment.” About ten years ago, I had some issues come up with my health and we had no idea what was cuasing these isssues. So I pretended everything was “fine”. Even my husband, went along with the mentality that things were “fine”. So that brought on hiding and isolation in my life. Since then God has brought about some healing in my body but breaking through the act of being fine has become a way of life for me. But I hang onto God’s promise that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.
“We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.” That part of Melanie’s post really resonated with me. My husband is a big worrier and so many times I tell him that I have everything under control because I want to relieve his anxiety and fears. But I don’t have everything under control. And by saying that I do, I’m snubbing God and doing my husband a disservice. I need to drop my mask and let my husband see the true, real me.
I’m also following Tracie Miles blog (http://traciemiles.com/) and doing her marriage challenge. In the challenge, I’m on day 10 which talks about persevering and looking to God as our Strong One. It’s beautiful how things worked that I read that post and this one on the same morning. The connection between letting the mask fall and looking to God as our Strong One is simply perfect! God never ceases to amaze me!
I find that everyone is too busy to listen. Our world is running so fast, and no one wants to hear it. Everyone expects you to say “i’m fine”, even if you aren’t. And when you answer it with the real answer, “no I’m not fine” people don’t want to stop and hear it.
When I read chapter 2 I was struck with the part in the passage that says “When He spoke she heard gentleness in His voice. There was kindness and humility in His simple request. When she looked into His eyes she saw acceptance, not judgment:;love, not hate. She felt valueable in His presence. I want to be like that. I am hard and judgemental, unkind and boysterous, busy and focused. Lord, I want to be changed so that people see Your love in my eyes when the look at me. make me brave in you to be loving, and kind and humble.
Truly appreciate the post, but most importantly the line: “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” We often don’t want to say more than I’m fine for fear of sounding as if we are complaining, or that we’re dumping our issues on another, but this statement allows us to be real and transparent and get out the most important information while also allowing another to be transparent and experience the vulnerability of true relationship.
Thank you.
I think sometimes too, it’s hard to let down the “i’m fine” mask when others around you are not at that place to be real themselves yet. There have been times I have gotten real with people who were very uncomfortable with all the struggle and, well, the gunk. Then come the placid cliches that do nothing but make me sorry I ever revealed myself. I feel awkward and vulnerable and unsure where I stand with that relationship later on. I am also healing from revealing the bare bones of my heart to a relationship that ended toxic. It is hard to explain, but I will say there was a mix of co-dependency that I didn’t see until it was too late and everything went “kaboom”! It has been two years since then and I am still healing, and still terrified that if I reveal myself again, get real again, will it happen all over? Maybe I’m not the best judge of character. Maybe the one I think I can trust will really, in anger, lash out in slander and criticism. Maybe my heart will be missjudged again and I’ll not only lose the close friend I had, but others too. It happened before. How do you take that leap of faith and willingness to be vulnerable, when it’s been shown before that not everyone around you is going to know what to do with that, or be able to treat it with honor and tenderness and without judgement? I despretely want to again. I so long real closeness. I hate fake pretenses. it drives me crazy, God I can trust. It’s scary being real sometimes because I feel He will be disappointed in me, but I have to remind myself He’s already seen it, even before I ever realized what that sin was hiding in my heart He’d already been aware of it. Infact, it’s only Him showing me it’s there right now and it’s only okay because He died for that and He’s taking care of it, therefore I don’t have to be afraid of Him, and I don’t have to be afraid of what sin I might find that needs covering by Him. I need Him for that purpose! Him I can trust, but I am frankly… TERRIFIED to be real in front of people again.
I get that, being scared to be real in front of others. There are times I long for real closeness with someone where I can be me and let it all out. However sometimes I’m scared I don’t know who the real me is sometimes. I’m not so much scared that God will be disappointed in me cause I know He loves me unconditionally but I am afraid of the kind of ambassador if you will that I would be for Him if people knew what I was feeling and thinking sometimes. My sister is always quick to say “You call yourself a Christian and you…… fill in the blank” I usually hit back with I’m a Christian but not a push over and although I say the words the doubt will creep in about the kind of “face” the outside world is seeing.
I hear you and know the feeling. I think we will accomplish a lot in this group by learning to be real and by praying for each other. Praying for you. 🙂
I was brought up to mask my feelings. My mother would be yelling and screaming and as soon as phone rang and she picked it up she sounded like a completely different person. I learned to cover up my feelings through my laugh and I thought I was really good at it…no one could ever tell what I was truly feeling. When I finally decided to let my guard down and allow others and God to help and pray me through…the weight I had been carrying around for years finally melted away. It is such a freeing feeling to allow others to see the real me, know that I am not perfect and to love me through everything.
This post really hit home with me. I have recently re-entered the “dating game” after a 12 year marriage filled with severe emotional and mental abuse and rejection. I have dated several wonderful, Christian men, however, once we reach a point of defining our relationship, they leave without a trace. I’m left wondering what is wrong with me… with no chance of receiving the answers. The pain is something that my friends and family cannot understand. I try to be open and share my thoughts and feelings, but after hearing the standard “it happened for a reason” from them all, I finally just turn on the “I’m Fine” face and move on. My heart longs to love someone and to be loved deeply in return. This is my second time to go through “A Confident Heart”, I pray that the message of allowing God to pursue and fill the empty spaces in my heart takes root and grows into a lifelong relationship of seeking only Him to meet my needs.
I know this is supposed to be for our Bible study but I have an urgent prayer request. We were notified that our landlords and suppose to be friends want to sell the house. Where we live the rent has gone up and no one is willing to let you have pets. we have one small dog that we’ve had for years and is housebroke. We haven’t tried to buy because our credit is bad from when my husband was laid off and we lost our home where we used to live. We have no idea what we’re going to do! We also have our daughter and grand baby staying with us until her husband comes home from deployment. Every time I try to move closer to God and try to learn to trust Him and his promises something happens to make me wonder if He is hearing me at all. I know I shouldn’t be but I’m scared and angry. All we got was an email telling us about the house, not a call. We could really use all the prayer we can get. Thank you all.
Praying for your situation. God Bless You!! Nothing is too small for Our God!
thank you
Hi Pam I’m praying for you to. Our father we know you are the only one that can fill everything in our life and I lift Pam and her family up to you that you may help her out in the situation she’s in now and find a better place for her and her family to live at a reasonable charge and that she comes close to you and finds peace in her heart. We pray that Pam will keep trusting in you and believing in you through all life struggles that have and will come up in life in your name Christ Jesus we lay this in your hands we love you Amen
Thank you so much
Praying for you!
I pray that God will show up and show out in your situation and that you will never lose focus because that’s what the enemy wants. I pray that He will do the impossible because greater is He that is in you then he that is in the world. And if God is for you then who can be against you. I pray that His will be done in you and your family and that you will continue to trust Him no matter what you see, for we walk by faith not by sight. Lord, be with my dear sister in Jesus powerful name, Amen!
Thank you all for your prayers for me and my family, it means alot. I have been so distracted by all of this I have not had time to read the book or participate. Maybe it’s what the enemy intended. We have found a couple options and waiting today to make a final decision on what to do. Please pray that God directs us and those involved and for favor. Would you also pray that God heals our hearts and helps us to be Christ like during this situation? Thank you so much and I pray you all are having a good week.
PARDON ME FOR ASKING A SILLY QUESTION, but, What happened to April 3rd?
I see April 1 {week 1} A Confident Heart Online Study (April 2013)
I see April 2 {Week 1} To Be Known Is to Be Loved – chapter 2
but I do not see an April 3. AM I IN A TIME WARP?
I already feel time is slipping away – children grow so fast, I don’t need to be losing track of days now.
ALSO, for those of you going through FINANCIAL TROUBLE,
I am taking Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University.
I am only 2 weeks into this 9 week course and already I see hope.
I highly recommend his “baby steps.”
GOD BLESS ALL YOU WOMEN – I AM PRAYING FOR YOU.
Hey Dawn! For this particular study, there isn’t a post for every single day. Have you signed up for the emails? It’s nice to receive those automatically because they will be a little more informative than coming to the site each day on your own. 🙂 I love getting them because I need all the help I can get! 🙂 If you scroll up to the top of the sidebar, you’ll see a place to sign up for them. Hope this helps! 🙂 Bless you!
Okay, I did sign up, and have received the emails, but wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing something.
Thanks!
I am soooooo ready to fling the mask as far as i can. I have always been the type to tell my feelings but here recently i have said “I’m Fine” till i am blue in the face, I am not but when I try to share my i am not fine those around me snarl and i guess even gloat in my sufferings so its like how can i share if jealousy rears it ugly head over pain you’d think one would be quick to embrace but i have found just the opposite. I still express myself as i can to my coworkers as humbly as i can and keep my mind focused on Him, cause I know if one would only put aside self for a moment they could relate. Only the LORD can help me.
I read my post and wow it was a vent and i dont mean for it to be that way but this study couldnt have come at a more perfect time. All of it resonates so deeply and this is how i have felt for a while now. All i want to do is to love my neighbor as myself and its difficult but i know this is what is expected of me and i trust this study will help me get back my confidence in Him and be that willing vessel.
Hello Amanda don’t worry about your post is just fine that’s what all those women are here for to pray and help each other and to change our own lives to. So keep sharing and will keep praying and in Christ we love you Amen
I am incredibly guilty of using the “i’m fine” mask. I’m a stay at home mom of 7 beautiful and healthy children. I’m happily married to a man who is my best friend and I’m blessed beyond measure! With all that being said you may ask “what could she possibly need to hide behind”? I’ve asked myself this many times and there are a couple things that stick out. 1.. I struggle with lonliness and isloation. My husband works long hours to provide for us and I’m so thankful for that but it leaves me feeling lonely, incredibly lonely! 2…I have always struggled with being a people pleaser and I obsess over things being “just right”. I often feel like the “i’m fine” mask is worn because others will look at me and say im so ungrateful if I appear otherwise! I have what many moms wish they could have. To appear anything less than “FINE” would be wrong right? That is exactly what I struggle with……..I long for good godly companionship, I feel isolated with the duties and chores of a busy mom and wife! I know this is where I am meant to be and I’m tremendously blessed to be able to be home. This is precisely what most people would say…….So, therefore I should be nothingless than ” just fine”. I have been praying lately for God to bring some good Christian ladies into my life. Im realizing that I can come to God about anything and He wants to meet me where I am. Im excited to see what will come from this study. Thank you Renee!! God bless!
Kristy,
I’m so thankful to be a stay at home mom too. I only have 2 little ones so far.
Isn’t it wonderful that we live in a time that we can connect with other women, without having to pack up all the kids and go somewhere? I’m thinking of even 50 years ago when a women with sick kids would be issolated for months in the cold dark winter with only a few neighbors for support.
Thank God for the internet, and Thank God for Renee for starting this blog.
Hi Kristy
I was a single mom and could never stay at home but I have the upmost respect for the women than can. I’m a stay at home (or in the shop ) all the time now and we are raising my boyfriends sisters grandbaby girl. His sister is passed a way. the mommy is on drugs and we have her. She is almost 5 years now we have had her sence she was 3 months. I go crazy with her all the time so God has Blessed you with 7 children and you still have hair lol My hat is off to all stay at home moms not becouse you get to stay at home but for doing it and loving your childern enough to do it. I know you need breaks and if I was around I would thake them for a whole day for you. I may be crazy staying home with Mary but I would not change it for the world. With love in Christ.
Today’s information was selected just for me… I have long been the person that holds our family together. I am the one everyone calls to tell about their problems and search for the positive spin I always try to find for them. This position of gluing the family together can be so exhausting!! Four Years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember rarely showing any struggle I was feeling as to not upset my husband, parents and children who were already struggling with my diagnosis. I never want to be a burden to anyone. I find it so difficult to rest and allow others to help me and even as detrimental to me as it is- I always push forward. From a self esteem position, the ability to trudge forward is some convoluted way makes me feel stronger. I really need to find ways to open up easier without feeling that loss of ability to support others.
Nikki…..I can relate to EVERYTHING you posted!! I feel very much the same way! It’s almost like I have to say ” im fine” because everyone needs and expects me to be! This is going to be a learning process for me! Im praying for you today Nikki that you can break free as well! God bless you!
I relate to this too, Nikki. I want to be honest with people, but I know people are busy, I don’t want to take up their time! So Here is 2 things we can do:
When someone asks “How are you?” Give a short honest answer.
That way, if they want to know more they’ll ask. But you’re not intruding on their schedule – after all they asked!
When someone asks you to pray for them, do so and THEN say, could you pray for me as well?
Give them one brief thing to pray for. Usually people would be flattered and honored to return the favor.
As you do these 2 things, you will find the people in your life who really want to help, and those are the people who you could go into more details with.
Thank you for the reminder that if I say “I’m fine” I am taking control of my life and not letting God do all that He can in my life and for me. I feel a relief just knowing I don’t have to be alone and try to always have the smile on my face.
Amen to that Peg. it dose feel good to know we are not alone. but painful too to know so many women feel like we do. in Christ love Amen
I want to say fine too, but, people really don’t want to hear it. People do shy away from it….Everyone is too busy and have their own issues and don’t want to hear anyone elses. Or they feel theirs is worse and have no empathy for yours. Also I find that people are looking for others who are in a better position than themselves……people that can help them……once they find out you are human too, they DO lose or change the way they think of you etc.
Said, and lonely place to be. I want to be fine in the Lord! Joy in the Lord and not depend on others!
I wholeheartedly agree with you, Ang. Even my loving husband of 20+ yrs. really doesn’t want to hear that things in my life aren’t fine, and that really hurts. I’ve come to realize today that I need to go to the Lord FIRST and tell Him that I’m not fine and pour my heart out to Him. I cannot expect people to meet my needs, only the Lord can do that AND change the situation. God bless you!
I wholeheartedly agree with you, Ang. Even my loving husband of 20+ yrs. really doesn’t want to hear that things in my life aren’t fine, and that really hurts. I’ve come to realize today that I need to go to the Lord FIRST and tell Him that I’m not fine and pour my heart out to Him. I cannot expect people to meet my needs, only the Lord can do that AND change the situation.
Wow!…my emotions are very *raw* at this moment. The “I am fine” syndrome has been my lifelong, constant companion. Along with this companion, she brought a friend….her name is pain. Presently, I am struggling with being open with others. I don’t know how…I don’t know if anyone cares…and I am not comfortable in being this way. Prayers are greatly appreciated for I know I want to be free from the grasps of my two companions named, “I am Fine” and “Pain.” 🙁
Renee, THANK YOU for this study!
Hi Donna I also had the two sisters in my life is a lie they come hand-in-hand but my prayers are with you and I’m not fine either I just need to learn to let people know that and take off my mask. So we will altogether in this journey to find our confidence in our walk with Jesus our Lord. In Christ love and prayers Amen
Donna, I too struggled with “Pain” and saying “I am fine” for many years. I want to assure you that someone does care and His name is Jesus. He loves you and understands your heart. Our Father has brought me through those two unwanted companions and He was with me all the way. He will do the same for you. I will pray for you my sister. May our Lord bless you.
Thank you so much for this post. I am forever saying I am fine when in reality I am so not ok sometimes. I am blessed with 2 beautiful children after fertility issues and miscarriages so I feel like I should say I’m fine. Well the past few years have been rough. My husband finished law school 3 years ago and just took the bar exam for the fourth time. Yes fourth. I love him and am prou of his accomplishments but sometimes would love to scream when there are 2 mouths to feed and we still struggle because of this costly endeavor. The loan payments are now due and we are overwhelmed with this added large expense. This year we had a house fire that added to the bills and aggravation. Are we healthy, have The Lord and happy. Overall yes, but there are times I am just not fine. It’s so hard as Christians to say we are not ok because I feel people judge us and say well you should trust in The Lord. Well I do trust him fully but he also understands our pain and no matter how big or small out issue it’s ok to cry and scream sometimes. I think if that song by Amy grant “better than a hallelujah”. God wants to hear our cries. He loves us and what better a shoulder to cry on. Thank you to all you ladies who understand our struggles as moms, wives and sometimes the rocks we are suppose to be when all we need is that outlet.
Sometimes are past has a way of catching up with our future. When you’ve looked for love and acceptance all your life–the “I’m Fine Mask” seems to be just a part of the norm. Because you REALLY aren’t fine, you often wonder when you ever will be. Had I known about God’s unconditional love all along, maybe the mask would of have lost some of it’s value a long time ago. Instead, I spent most of my life in church, but never relationally attached to God. There is a difference, I’ve now learned. So I tell Him my problems–because I know He’ll listen, He’s always available, and He truly loves and cares about me.
I just want to thank you, Renee, for sharing your heart and for allowing us to share ours.
Sometimes it is easier to be transparent when someone, who you know cares about you, asks “How are you, really?” When someone is just asking in order to make polite conversation, they probably expect an “I’m fine.”
It’s harder to say you are fine, though, when things definitely are not My family and I went through a time of being criticized, judged, attacked. That was a very difficult time, thankfully things are quiet now,since the people who started the drama stopped.
I’m enjoying this book and Bible study!
Bless you Karen!
I too am going through my 2nd divorce, I also thought I’d be married until I died. Things have been terrible and the feelings of dispair and hopeliness have abided in me. I have met someone also going through what i’m going through and what I thought was going to turn into another relationship, i now have my doubts. Everytime I voice my concerns I am fighting and arguing and he leaves. He says he’s not going to fight and argue, I have found myself once again alone. I know God is with me through all of this, but sometimes I still feel very alone. I am going through this session in hopes that it helps pull me out of the pit I’m in. Please pray for me!
I will be praying for you
Well, this is very interesting…I am a open book and not much do I hide from anyone…But have been told that I have deeper issues when I feel the way I do…Hope I can make sense with this:)
I have been told I need deliverence, because i desire friendships and committed to ones God places in my path…If one leaves, I am broken for awhile and it takes me time to let go….so does anyone feel this is an issue…?
I feel it is just loving somone thats in my life and thankful for the friendships God allows me to have and share him and have the same understandings as daughters of GOD, and apprecaites relationships..
Like to hear your thoughts..
Patty: From what you have written here, it surely doesn’t seem like you need deliverance. I agree with what you have written in the second paragraph. It sounds like you have a heart like God. He is very committed to us and calls us friends. 🙂 Surely you are discerning in what you share with others – seeking God’s direction. God bless you, sweet sister in Christ.
I think we can agree that it is much easier to say “I’m fine” than to share our troubles, concerns, and issues especially with church members. I feel we are expected to be fine, and the one place we need to be honest or should be able to be honest…..we may not feel safe to do so. People are too busy to listen, to offer comfort, to love on the unlovely. Many of us have been hurt by the world and many of us have been hurt in churches and by pastoral staff…so it is difficult to take off that mask. I for one am not good at pretending so even if my voice says “I’m fine”…you will see it in my eyes. I encourage those who need that safe person to talk too…..to talk to Jesus…ask Him for help and guidance….and ask Him to bring those safe people in your lives that you can share and be yourself around….some people have the gift of encouragement….and those are the people we can share with….but ultimately…Jesus is our healer, our confidant, our comforter….let Him guide you into HIs truth in your situation. Pray and read His word and He will guide you. He will speak to you and guide you in the direction you should go. Start in His Word and then listen for His voice. He longs to be your everything! He loves you with an everlasting love! Be blessed sweet sisters and listen to what He says about you and not what you or the world says about you. Let him renew your mind and heal your heart.
Sonia, you’ve taking the words out of my mouth. I agree its easier to say we are fine than explain our complicated issues. I also agree that people are “too busy” to listen. We are human and flawed. This is where I feel as women we have failed each other. We need to make growing in Christ together a priority. We need to make time for our sisters in Christ. And as you pointed out, we need to stay in His truth. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I was just thinking before I read your about how even if I wanted to share with someone how not fine I am, I have no one. I try with my husband but he just gets frustrated with my negative emotions and typically it ends up making the situation worse. I know I can talk to Jesus, and He wants me to….I just feel like He isn’t there anymore, like He says “Oh boy here she comes again complaining about how she isn’t good enough or she isn’t important”. I know it’s probably not how He is, I just am not sure how to get out of this way of thinking.
So I think in my life I have finally understood that I am not fine. I think I am trying to accept that Im not fine… I do that best when I look to the One that can hold all my broken pieces together. I have always wanted to just be fine until recently I have decided that maybe I should embrace the fact that I am not and filter it through Him and see what happens. I love the Hebrew word for “know”. The Lord already knows Im not fine and thats okay with Him that Im not fine. Page 41 said we can offer nothing but our presence and He will desire us just the same. What a restful thought to me . I also appreciated the sentence that said He notices and cares enough to tell us our hearts need repair. Maybe when I embrace that I am not fine instead of trying to be fine then I can give attention to the places that need repair. Maybe not being fine is more of a gift if I choose to filter the not fine through Him.
Renee thanks so much for your suggestion to take God’s word and create a prayer!
Here is my prayer from the scripture for today 2 Cor 12:9: “Lord give me your grace and lead me to be confident in sharing my weaknesses. Fulfill your promise that your grace is sufficient for me. Show me how to let the power of Christ dwell in me; so that I can be perfected in weakness.”
I am so glad to be doing this study online and grateful to share with everyone. Looking forward to the great blessings we will receive from God!
Kim: that prayer is perfect- I will be praying it today:-)
Thanks Kim I wrote this down and I’m going to put it on my bathroom wall so I can read it every day. I write down a lot of verses that people qoute becouse I ‘m just learning the bible I can’t even tell you all the book of the bible yet. I act like I do sometimes in church but i’m just reading alot and writing a lot so I can put it in my heart for life. Amen
I found this little card I want to share here it is
Faith Step:
As you pour yourslef a cup of coffee or tea this morning, use it as a visual reminder to ask Jesus to fill you up with His strenght, courage, and love.
Nice quote I think.I give credit to who ever wrote it has no name on it.
Prayers and love in Christ
Boy is this scary removing your mask. Fear of letting others in and know the true me. Whoever tat is. Will they walk out of my life like so many. Was brought up not to air your problems, keep them to yourself or your weak. I have let a friend in September of 2011 that I opened up to. I go to a support group with her. But I’m still guarded and say I’m fine. I’ve tried talking to the ministers wife but don’t feel it goes anywhere. Dealing with betrayal and a struggling marriage. How do I do this and still honor and respect my husband. I can’t share these issues. Going to re-read chapter 2 again. Thanks for sharing your story Melanie.
Praying for you!
Yes! It is scary. I completely agree… and sweet friend, I am praying for your marriage. I completely understand what you are saying. Sometimes our stories are not completely ours to tell… God knows and He sees. He loves you, and I do too.
I’m not sure how to answer other than fine? To my parents not answering fine would make my mentally unstable mom more unstable. To my friends I would have to be vulnerable not some thing I’m comfortable with. I could go threw the list of who and why not to let someone know I’m not fine. Lord I pray you send me someone I can be vulnerable with, to honestly answer “I’m not always fine to”
I have started chapter 2, but I felt the need to go back to chapter 1 and think it through a little more. I must tell you, the part on pg. 21 about wondering if you were in the wrong calling has really hit home with me. I cannot tell you how many times I have questioned if I am supposed to be doing something or not doing something. I wonder if it is God’s way of telling me that it is not the right thing for me. Now, I am so unsure. Is it just my own doubts? Is it even real?
I just wanted to say thank you for doing this study. I am looking forward to progressing.
Since December of 2010 my father died suddenly I lost my job, my baby sister became extermly ill, we are still battling that annd my natural mother and step-father where killed in a car accident it’ll in a span of 5 months. Just as I was regaining my bearings my husbands brother was electricuted, and nine days prior to the 1 yr anniversary of his death, my step-son, 6 weeks after his high school graduation, 3 weeks before his 19th birthday, died in a single car accident. As if that is not enough, for the past 2 yrs I have endured about 30 injections in my eyes, having my drivers license revoke because of my eye sight, and having my independence removed. I am a diabetic. I am sick as unto death of hiding behind a mask, of making sure “you” (meaning causal friends, people at church, etc.) do not have to extend yourself beyond your casual greeting, so, saying I am FINE, allows them to walk away with that self satisfied feeling that they have shown forth that hand of fellowship and all is well. Don’t ask me if you aren’t prepared to hear me. I am raw with pain, I sit alone at home waiting for my husband to get off work, or for day off so that I can do what has to be done out side the home. Sometimes my step mom comes. Once in awhile a friend calls- but I have learned that if you open up they quickly run away. My church family, my Christian employe rand best friend, gone- I sometimes feel like Job-
Removing the mask will expose not only the truth to others, but to ourselves as well. Healing, progress, new friends and relationships can not come until the ability to open ourselves honestly to each other- to trust the Fathers heart. If I can’t look at myself honestly how can I be honest with God.
So this is me: I am angry, confused, in shock, lost, no direction, feel hopeless, I want to scream, to hurt someone, to understand, I want to be happy again, to be spiritually grounded like I was, to see the light at the tunnels end, to sleep through the night, to not fear the unknown- but for now I am fine……..
I can only imagine the pain and hurt you are feeling. I may not be able to do anything to physically help, and I won’t preach the usual hang in there, God knows stuff. I know when we are hurting we don’t want to hear platitudes. I will say that I am praying for you. And that my heart is breaking for you. And as best we can here in cyberspace, I am standing with you.
Dianne – I am praying for healing and peace for you my sister!
Sister, will be your prayer warrior!! You have dealt with more than most will ever in one lifetime. Your post has touched my heart deeply. My prayer is you will held ever so tightly in the arms of our Jesus as he carries you through this journey of pain. I care about you! If a stranger that doesn’t have it all together,has many bumps in life that has caused scars,someone that also wants to be more than “fine”, can care about you then can you start to know how much our Jesus is crazy in love with you and wants to hold you and catch every tear you cry? Sister, you are a brave woman to have posted your journey for us. Today is a new beginning for us all. That my friend, includes you! HUGS!
Diane my heart breaks for you as I was reading your post you are a brave woman and a strong woman for sharing your true feelings with strangers in cyberspace. I’ve only shared a little about my story but I can relate to some of the pain you are going through with the loss of family members and things. Why allows my oldest son at age 32 unexpectedly to a heart attack October 11, 2012 and it just so happened to be my 20 Th anniversary with my boyfriend the same day. But remember as Madeline Christina Pam and all the others that will answer disposed We As Sisters in Christ or Standing with You and Praying for Your Healing and Peace As We Traveled This Journey Together. With Christ love Amen
Dianne……sending blessings and hugs and hope to you today….ALL because of Jesus! Your life and its trials have the makings of a beautiful masterpiece!….hold His hand and trust Him to weave everything into that beautiful tapestry that will radiantly reflect His love and beauty and mercy! This is bigger than you!…… It is easy for someone to say who is just looking in, but……..as an observer to all that you have written……just REST!….. and let God turn EVERYTHING out for good! He promised He would do that for all who love and trust in Him!!!!
To Madeline, Christina, Pam, Angela 2 and Laurie
How can I thank you for the encouragement, compassion and love sent my way today. I have and will continue to hold tight, because I do believe that there is a greater purpose, that what we walk through is never just for us, it will be used to minister to others. If nothing else, I removed my mask today, I want to walk in honesty, to let others know that trials, tribulation and trouble comes to everyone, I want to be a safe place for someone else to remove their mask. Thank you for standing with me today, thank you for being my sisters!!!!!!!! Sending much love and prayers to you all.
Love
Dianne
I am a so grateful for this study and Melanie’s post today. I needed this for today. I so often tell others I am fine but know how I really feel inside. Others sometimes expect me to be fine and to have gotten over the hurt inside me. God has been working in this study at this time in my life. I know I need not fear taking off the mask. Today I will trust God in my journey.
Bless you Deb!
trust God everyday Bless you girls Amen
Thanks a lot Renee. I just completed chapter 2. Your words “Today can be the day the gospel of Grace moves from your head to your heart” really got to me. I have been a Christian for so long and I pray that indeed today my heart not my head will receive Jesus. I believe that sometimes i struggle because what i have is a head knowledge of Christ.
Please pray for me as we journey together in what I believe will be a phenomenal life transformation for us all.
Praying And Amen to what you said.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much this post spoke to me. I have spent my whole life trying to be perfect because afterall that is what was expected of me…you must be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife and the perfect mother. Always smile and remember you are fine, Do Not air your dirty laundry in public. You must always dress just right, act just right and be just right so when you hurt you push that into the dark creavesses of yourself because out of sight, out of mind. That’s like telling someone don’t cry and don’t feel, don’t love. Life is full of hurts along the way so allow yourself the right to feel and trust God that there’s nothing he can’t or won’t bring you thru. My one regret is that I didn’t get to know him until I was over 50 years old, I always believed but I was brought up with the idea that if I made a mistake or failed God would punish me…so totally Untrue! when you admit you screwed up, he loves you even more. Life would been have so much more rewarding if I had know this so many years ago because I punished my self for the mistakes I had made worse than God or anyone else could have. I’m still a work in progress as we all are and I’m still working to get to know God better and I’m so thankful that he Loves Me!
Amen Nancy! Thank you God for your perfect timing. He is good … All the time!
Fine, such a tiny word but such a potentially powerful word. In whose power are we going to rely. If I wear the “I’m fine” mask for the world to see, I being disobedient to my PaPa who so wants to shelter me and hold me when my world crumbles around me. I’m certainly not fine but I’m learning that when I rely on Him who gives me life I can live through and even grow on this journey we share. Do I ask for prayer from others? Yes I do. Have I always done this? NO, but when I started doing this, friendships grew stronger with my prayer warriors and I have been so blessed by a PaPa who just is, no exceptions. Trusting PaPa isn’t easy but oh so important to taking off the masks we think we need to use to navigate this temporary place in which we reside. Blessings dear sisters
I love how you refer to God as PaPa! It makes Him seem so much closer and more personal! Thank-you I needed to relize that God is my PaPa!
The timing of this topic is incredible. I believe it is God pursuing me thru this exact topic! I’m not sure if my shyness w/ this many women is keeping me from being too ‘open’ on here, or if I’m still holding onto my mask…I want to appear fine. To appear anything but that, is ‘weak’, I’ve told myself, is not attractive. God is working in my life and my boyfriend’s and it is so encouraging to have this topic/Bible Study ‘coach’ me along as we desire to work thru issues & be freed of struggles that are holding us back, b4 walking down the isle. Thank You Renee & Melanie!
Praying for you, sweet friend! God is doing a good work in your life!!! So thankful for your comment!
I have had this book a long time and always promised myself that I would read it because it was exactly what I needed. I am finally realizing that it is what I need to hear. I have gone through life not sure of myself and then being married I never felt I had a voice and was not confident in what I wanted to do. After going through a rough patch in my marriage with a spouse that strayed, I had to pick myself up and realize that what I had to say was important no matter what happened. God has been with me through the process and he continues to be with me. I pray that as I read this study that I will realize that no matter what others thinkg God loves me for who I am inside and out. I am also encouraged by the posts that other women write as it remindes me that other are also struggling.
Dawn, I can so relate to your comment. I grew up with a shy, unsure of myself personality, and it always puzzled me as to why I was the way I was. For a long time I thought it was just “my demeanor”. One of the questions at the end of the first chapter asks about my first memory of doubting myself or feeling insecure. I had a great childhood and don’t remember any incidents that related to me directly that would fill me with self doubt or insecurity, but then God revealed to me why I feel like I do. You see, I grew up with a dad that had a very critical spirit. His critism was not directed at me, but at my mom. After years and years of witnessing his degrading tone toward my mom I began to believe him. My view of women in general sort of deteriorated, and I began to view women as weak, unintelligent, and incapable. Oh, but wait a minute….I’m a woman…I guess that would apply to me as well. I wish I had read this book years ago. I’m married to a man with a similar personality, and I’m praying now that God will heal my heart and mind and help me remember who I am in Him, not who I am in my own mind or the mind of others. Also praying that my kids would come to know the same thing, and not have a distorted view of women and relationships in general, and that God intended men and women to be partners with mutual respect and love. Thanks for your post. Praying for you as well. 🙂
Chapter 2 reading and today message touched my heart. I’m not fine but I believing with God grace and mercy it will help me over come life obstacles. I really enjoyed this week reading. It allowing me to look in the mirror and helping me see me. It exposed the truth I’m am not fine and the details are not important but,please prayer for me and my family. God Bless Everyone of us for Seeking HIM.
I want to be fine but really fear rejection chaos is consuming Lord help me to rest in Your arms as I do not know how Amen
What a great word! The ” I’m fine” mask seems to be the great equalizer. We are all just fine….However, as the body of Christ we are called to be authentic with each other, otherwise, how can the body function? We have all been given gifts to use within the body yet because we are failing to be honest with ourselves and each other those gifts of encouragement, et al, are often left on the shelf, unused. Let us determine to be the body of Christ! If one part is hurting, we must feel their hurt…if one is celebrating we must dance in delight.
I am loving this study. I am the very best at saying “I’m fine.” Truth is, I’m scared to death. My family’s business supports the home building industry. As everyone knows, the last 6 years have been brutal. My husband has worked without a salary for 3 of those years trying to keep the business afloat. I work at the same business, but so far have not had my salary affected, so we are able to survive. I struggle with exposing my fears publicly because I see so many who via social media and the like, constantly make comments about how bad their life is, or how they would love to see something positive happen. I just don’t want to appear as a victim. My God is bigger than that. I don’t want the exposure of my situation to become a distraction to what I know God will do in my life. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. So I know regardless of my circumstances–whether the failure of my business allows me to lose my home, or if He allows us to crawl out of the financial mess this craziness called economy has created, He will be with me. I can’t honestly tell you I don’t worry. I do—greatly (and I know that is a sign that my faith is not where it needs to be). There are days I want to go running for the hills and never look back. But there is always that still small voice within me, telling me to keep going, don’t give up. I can bear witness to so many things that have been worked in our behalf, that only God could do, that just keep me moving forward although sometimes very slowly. I wish I could just say whatever happens will be okay. Truth is, I do want my circumstances to improve. It’s draining every morning to know you face with struggling just to take care of what needs to be done for that day. However, at the end of every day anything that is important always manages to get completed….and for that I am extremely thankful. The personal and spiritual growth for myself and my family may never have happened without these struggles. God knows what he is doing. I’m just working on trusting Him fully. I have to admit, I’m still a work in process. We are definitely at a crossroads….we need and covet your prayers.
Jen,
I, too, am going thru some of the same struggles you are with a family business. The thoughts you posted resonate in my heart. I struggle, mightily, but am learning to keep at leaning on God. I don’t always know what that looks like in practice, and I don’t know what tomorrow holds… But, in the midst of it all, the desire to be truly known by and truly know my God overshadows it all. I will be praying for you and your family, knowing the battles of the position you are in. At that crossroads with you… Sharing in your prayers.
Thank you Sherry! I know I am not alone in this struggle and my heart is full knowing that there are others there who are willing to pray for our situation even though you don’t know me personally. I can assure you I will do the same. It’s easy to talk a brave talk…not so easy to walk it.:) Deliverance is coming…of that I am sure.
Hi Jen I too struggle with a family business and I work for free 40+ hours a week my boyfriend of 20 years owns the business with his father and the work is just slack now so much is hard to pay my boyfriend named Doug his salary every week. His father just put another 10,000 in the business bank account because it got so low we could even pay the monthly bills. There are two am at the crossroads with you and Sherry my prayers for all of us who were struggling with businesses and all the other struggle that come along with that. In Christ love Amen.
Praying for you too, Angela, and so many others who are struggling to stay afloat. Our worship pastor leads the lyrics to a wonderful promise….”….just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision, and the adversary says give in…just hold on…MY GOD will show up and take you through the fire again.” He has….and he will again and again.
Thank you Jen I will keep Praying for you too. In Christ Love
Every time I tell someone I hurt they decide to give me advice. Try this ,exercise more get some fresh air,etc. it gets frustrating,to where you just tell everyone your fine. People forget about Jesus and prayer. Broken backs don’t heal with more exercise by the way! It is wonderful to be reminded that Jesus knows and cares and accepts right where we are!
I agree for years that’s why I would never tell people how I really felt because I didn’t want their advice or opinions so I would say I’m fine. It seemed like most people wanted to give me there opinion, what they thought I should do. Now I can freely talk to God and a lot of times I would pray for the right person to share my struggles with.
God wanting me to know Him has been prominent in my thoughts and prayers this week. Not know about Him but know Him. This is exciting for me because it’s the desire of my heart to come closer to Him and experience the sweetness of His person. Another devotional I read this morning asked me am I more interested in the blessings or in God himself? Powerful question!
Today I am going to quiet my mind and listen to His voice through my activities and just be blessed by intentionally living this day with Him.
Praying for all my sisters in the Lord who are doing this study. Those who are hurting so much right now; may God reveal His love for you in a powerful and new way this day.
” Persevere, so that when you have done the will of God you will receive what He has promised” Hebrews 10:36
This was given to me many years ago and it was so powerful back then and still is today!
I’m not fine either…thank you for this book and this forum so much. I’ve struggled with depression for 40 years and it feels like its getting the best of me as i get older..I’m 61. I just feel lost but the words of encouragement here help. Living alone the last 11 yrs has taken a toll..i know everyone has their own special set of circumstances..so grateful for this study.
I too am in my 60’s and have struggled with anxiety (I have OCD) for a number of years. But as I study God’s Word and am in several on line Bible studies I do really feel blessed. It’s so good to know we are not alone. Turn your eyes upon Jesus look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace! I love this little song and hope you know it and can sing it for the encouragement it may give you.
Thank you Renee for your obedience in writing this book. Today, I admit that I’m not fine, but I do fit Chapter 2’s FINE. God bless you my sisters taking this journey.
Will you pray for me?
I’m praying for you.
I ‘m praying fore you now Vickie and will keep praying for all the ladys in this study. God Bless you in your journey everyday. Amen and Christ Love
For a long time, I really just wanted to be fine and left alone. Beneath the surface, I worked hard at keeping things looking “fine.” Like Renee wrote in chapter 2, “With each attempt to keep others impressed and distant, I stepped further into the shadows of doubt.” There is great pressure to keep up appearances, especially when everyone around me seemed to be doing just that. But daring to be different, to not be so fixated on others’ opinions, or in keeping score, helps me find freedom. It’s a daily struggle and somedays, I’m lost and confused and shaken to the core. But God is there to pick me up. Today, I’m so thankful to say that while my husband and are in the midst of a few major decisions (and major uncertainty), I’m resting in the Lord and I actually feel FINE! Faithful, Inspired, New, Encouraged. A hard-won “FINE” from the Lord is so much better than the one we try to maintain on our own.
I am not fine either, I struggle with eating disorder issues, I am divorced, my one son has divorced my other son’s wife is leaving when she finds a place to live and they have 2 precious girls 10 & 5, Everyone I work with talks negative and gossips and slanders, the atmosphere is terrible and it rubs off on me and I join in. I cry out to God nightly for forgiveness and pray the new day will be one of victory and then I stubble again. I live and take care of my 90 year old mother and I let her make me feel like a 12 year old again. I get frustrated and short with her and then feel remorse. I just pray that I can just go home to be with the Lord and be free of all the craziness in my life. I know I am being selfish by thinking that. I mean why should I be free of struggles in this life, we all have them, and it is in those struggle we become more like Christ and He can mold us into being what He wants us to be. Thank you for this study, I am going to be a different person when we are done. Praise God!!
It’s not selfish to want to be free, and it is possible to find freedom in Him. Take heart and keep on going, He is fighting for you!
Thanks Julie!!
For years I put on mask so I could fit in with whatever someone wanted me to be, because I wanted to be loved, accepted, my breaking point was having depression, then I came to realization that I couldn’t put on a mask any more, I became more real with Jesus, and he started peeling the layers, like an onion it was, raw and hard to deal with, he showed me all my coping mechanism wasn’t working, that I could unload on him and i could be so real before him. Open honest, and he just loves me, and keeps loving me, so now I describe myself as Mary sitting at Jesus feet, and just listening to him and what he has to say to me, no better place, but to worship him. Thank you Renee for this wonderful book.
I have always been a very outgoing person. Love to be around people and connect to people and seem to draw people to me. I am a Marketing Director, so connecting and networking is what I do best!!! I have become the pro at answering the question of “How are You” with Great, everything’s going good.” I am now in a great deal of pain and insecurity dealing with my husband dating, etc. when we were separated for 5 mos. She was in my home and now that we are reconciled, I live with that thought in this home every day. I wonder if he is comparing me to her during intimate times. I wonder if he is comparing me to her in all things. This is strictly my journey, God is working in our lives and I have no doubt my husband loves me and wants to rebuild our marriage. He has assured me that none of my concerns are valid. I have withdrawn from friends that knew he was dating due to pride and embarassment. I am so weary of this inner turmoil. Just wanted to share those pains with someone. Thank you for letting me. I am loving this study and have no doubt God has led me here. He is doing a great work in our lives and in mine. He is opening some amazing doors for me and I am beginning to pray about my ministry again.
Julie – I will be praying for you!
Me too praying now Amen
Julie….when those thoughts come, remember now that your husband has chosen you twice, over and above anyone else! He has pursued you once again as his love and the affection of his heart. He is willing to put forth the effort again to make it work and seems he doesn’t want your marriage to be a failure either……Maybe your “new beginning” can be celebrated by moving to a new home?….
Julie I your testimony has touched my heart because I was in the same boat. My husband left me and during that time of our separation which lasted 6 months he committed adultery. We decided that we would work things out and he came back home, however not realizing that I really had a lot of pinned up anger and bitterness towards him. I begin to compare myself to the other woman. I would even ask questions because I became insecure, and even though he would tell me it had nothing to do with you. I wasn’t in a good place. I became so anger I just didn’t care so one thing lead to another. I still was not satisfied it didn’t matter to be. All that anger and lack of trust and me comparing myself to the other woman lead my husband to leave again and we have been separated now for a year and a half this time. I continue to play in my head what went wrong, and then I begin to say things like he never wanted to be with me anyway. I knew I couldn’t trust him, He was still in love with her. All these thoughts place more filled my head, but I came to realize that I never really forgave him. Yes I know that we can forgive but never forget, but in true forgiveness I should have never held it over his head. If I was willing to take him back then I had to be willing to forgive. It is not an easy process because the enemy wants to destroy what you have, but we must not let him. Trust me it is easier said then done, but the best advice I can give is to trust God with your whole heart and allow him to change you. Allow Him to do a work in your heart because He can give a new found love for your husband that is indescribable, and He can also give you beauty for those ashes because you are His daughter and He loves you! I will be praying for your marriage and I will be praying for you.
oh Julie! I can’t imagine that heartache. Living spaces are so very personal; I can imagine the stigma that must be associated with what you’re going through! But there is a living space that is even more personal- the Holy Spirit living inside of YOU! He knows your pain and constantly intercedes to the heavenly Father on your behalf. The Lord just impressed on my heart to tell you this; I hope it brings you comfort and joy! Blessings to you.
Julie, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I have seen my dearly loved daughter go through this kind of heartache. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you. I said a prayer for you just now and will continue to pray that our Father will continue to bless you and your husband and your marriage. God bless you, dear lady.
Praying for you, Julie, that you will experience true healing.
Today, I picked up my book and read through chapter 2 for the second time. Today, the Lord really spoke to me about why I say “I’m fine”. I have spent a lot of years in a church, where, the leadership was so busy, that when I had a problem or a need, it didn’t seem that they had time to really sit and listen to what I was struggling with. I kind of learned to just keep it to myself, because there were people who were turning to me for help. Yet, I didn’t feel that I had the right to speak to others about their problems. I would pray for them, and wonder if there was truly any power in my prayer. If I was struggling, and noone had time for me, maybe Jesus didn’t have time for me either. So I began avoiding people, not answering my phone, not speaking too much. I have felt so dragged down for so long, maybe a little resentful, after all, people were coming to me to listen and pray for them, yet it seemed noone had time for me. As I write this I feel so selfish, that doubt and guilt coming right back on me. I am trapped in a terrible cycle. I am now at a new church, and I am afraid to try and talk to the Pastor, I am worried that it will sound like I am complaining about my former Pastor. I don’t want to do that…even though it seems like that is what I am doing here. Augh! I feel that I am stuck…please pray for me…please give me words of wisdom….Jesus please help me to forgive….and to know, that I can know you better. I know you love me….but, I want a deeper relationship with You. Thank you everyone that is a part of this Bible study. I truly need your prayers.
I can totally relate to what you’re saying. I was stuck in a similar cycle a few years ago and it is very lonely and draining. But God showed me that I had worked so hard to convince everyone that I was fine, and then I resented them for believing me! Looking back, I get it now. Because why would they reach out to someone who appeared to always have it together? So….God convicted me and gave me the strength to take off my “fine” mask to one person. And that began a journey of removing the mask with more people. I was terrified at first of what they would think of me. But I was blown away when they said that it actually made me more human, and it helped them appreciate me even more. It’s still a struggle even today and there’s a few folks with whom I simply don’t feel like I can live without my “fine” mask. But God’s work is not done and each day is a new battle. May He give you the strength and wisdom to live authentically in His freedom. God bless!
Wendy I can feel your pain and I’m praying for you. When people ask me how I’m doing I have started to reply by saying I”M BLESSED and it really gets people to really look at me and ask how i’m b;lessed. This in turn gives me the chance to tell them what God is doing in my life. I heard this saying from a tv talk show one morning and they ask all who has seen this to try it for a week to see what happens, so I did it is amazeing what will happen. I may not be fine but I’m blessed with Gods Love for me Just as I’m. Praise God.I’m still not fine but I hope to learn how to open up and ask for help. I have all ways been the one to help others and keep my pain in side. I want to change that with this study. Please pray for me too I’m praying for you and everyone in this study with us and Renee too. I thank God He spoke to her and now is giving the class to us. In christ love
Angela, thank you for your comments. I really like what you said about answering people with “I’m Blessed” instead of the usual “I’m fine.” I’m going to commit to doing this as well. I have wondered how I could share God’s Love with other people and I think this is the perfect opportunity. I have also been studying the Bible about the power of our words and I think that by answering people in this way and by verbally confessing that We Are Blessed, we will bring honor and glory to God by speaking that into our lives. Thank you.
Hi Monica please let me know how it goes after a week of telling people you are Blessed. it has changed thing for. hope it does for you to. We are Blessed in so many ways that we over look. I’m trying to find at lest 5 ways i’m Blessed each day and write them down and then thank God for them. In my prayers and in God Love
That is so true. I AM BLESSED! After doing a study on ephesians at church I started to say every morning “I Am Blessed.” Then I started to say it to each of my children. Then when i forgot to say one morning my 4 year old son said,”Mummy you’re blessed!” I really need to re impliment that gain! It was a very positive way to start my day.
As I was reading the excerpt from Melanie, I was thinking that I saw no reason to share my struggles and true feelings with a co-worker or acquaintance when asked a polite question “How are you?” But then something she said toward the end struck a nerve (“I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help”). What if instead of answering the polite “how are you” question with the stock “I’m fine” answer, I said something to the effect of “It’s a rough day, but I’m hanging on to Jesus”. Perhaps this could be an opening for helping and witnessing to another person. Maybe by being real with others, they too will turn and seek Him. I am sure some people will just go about their day and never think about my answer, but someone else may just stop and ask questions.
I am praying for all you ladies in this study. As I read your posts, it really is helpful to see that I am not alone in my feelings. Thank you all for being real and open.
Thank you for sharing because as I was reading I was thinking the same thing. I was famous for “I’m fine” I use to say it so much that people who knew me would say how are you? Oh, yeah your fine before I could even answer. I got to a point to where I realized I wasn’t fine. I was angry, bitter, hurt, disappointed, done with everything and everyone. I was even done with believing God because I was so angry. But God begin to use other women in my life to speak His truth to me and I begin to pray to Him and ask Him to free me from all those things. I begin to be honest with Him about my feelings. Why I was hurting and upset. God begin to heal me in ways that I can’t even explain. I begin to speak His truth, His word out of my mouth and I begin to continue to feel freedom, but the one thing I didn’t realize in all of that was if I couldn’t be honest with God or with others I was giving the enemy a place in my life. The enemy wants all of us to stay right where we are because if he continues to keep us down then God will not get the glory in our lives and he will continue to pick at us and pick at us until we are no more good. So I got to a place to where I started telling the enemy that he has no power over my life the more I rebuke him the freer I become. We all have the power to defeat the enemy and we must do that on a daily basis sometimes minute by minute, but I said all that to say that when we are honest with those around us and begin to point them to Christ by saying things like “it’s a rough day, but I’m hanging on to Jesus” then the enemy can not win and we begin to minister to others without really realizing it because we took off the mask and allowed someone else to see the wounds and the scares, but even though we have the wounds and the scares we know that by His stripes we are healed, and Jesus wants to heal them too.
I am so glad that you are going go forward with the Lord. I have also been convicted about the words coming out of my mouth and am trying to change the way I speak. What you said is true. When we sit in the “I’m fine” lie with ourselves, God and others its just another way we are kept imprisoned and isolated by the enemy. And in turn, we cannot minister to others. I now we are not to share our inner most troubles and struggles with everyone, but being real with whoever God shows me too is where I want to be. There are things in my life that I have not opened up about to anyone but God Himself…I am still not sure I can because they make me feel like I am such a terrible person, let alone Christian. But perhaps when I am able to speak of these things, then my healing and change will begin. It feels so isolating when you are alone in your grief and guilt. It definitely gives the enemy a power he should not have over us.
God is so big he uses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise. I believe Madeline that as you share your life just as you are people will see Jesus in you. I have so often thought wether i am a very good example of a christian yet have had some great conversations with my neighbour as she has got to know me and all that i am going through. I’m sure they see the diference.
Perhaps it is being real with people and letting them know that as a Christian we still struggle, but in handling our issues God’s way, that is the best witness we can be. Like with your neighbor. I want to start putting this into practice. I think that one day your neighbor will come to Christ and it will be because of your witness. And that is awesome. It is such a great reason to be transparent and open. I know I can’t share everything with everyone, nor should I, but I can (as God leads) be more open about our struggles and who gets us thru them.
Yes thanks for the encouragement. I don’t have many friends i can chat so openly with, but i do have one or two and maybe its because we just naturally click, as it were, that i can be so open about life as it is yet still be completely open about what I believe in.
I just know those times are special. Especially when they start being so open themselves. : )
Wendy – I too need help forgiving a pastoral staff. My son has ADD and got into trouble because he has a hard time sitting still (he has to be doing something to listen and hear). The Pastor and teacher for the class both felt that Stephen was being disruptive in class. Then another little boy (same age) started coming to the class with the same ADD. They got into an argument and the other little boy was forgiven for his disrupting the class and his part in the argument while I was told that Stephen would end up in jail (by the pastor). If you have never had to deal with an ADD/ADHD child you don’t know how hard it is to teach them right from wrong. Everything has to be fair! If one child gets away with something then Stpehen feels that he should get away with the same thing! When I talked to my pastor I felt like he already had has mind set and would not listen to what I had to say. I kept going to the church for 2 more years but did not take my son. I quit going right after my back surgery. With 5 pastors at our church not a one could be there for my surgery. This all just added up to me having some very hurt feelings and feeling like a failure as a mother and a Christian! I haven’t told anyone I feel until today. I really need prayers right now please! Thank you!
With prayers for you Christian abd for all of us. Amen
Ladies I am sorry for my rant! I just guess I needed to “get it off my chest”. Thank you Angela 2 for the prayers!
Christina, I can definitely understand how frustrating this must have been for you and I think you definitely did the right thing by switching churches. I used to work with elementary kids who had some type of disorder or learning disability and it is definitely very challenging and I was only with them for 8 hours a day, not 24/7. I pray that God will bless you and give you the grace to go through this. I also pray that the church you go to now is understanding and supportive of not only you but your son and family as well. I will pray for you and all of the other ladies in this study. God Bless!
Ladies – Thank-you so much! I am crying as I read these sweet and uplifting words! Laura you are so right about people thinking its a discipline problem. Believe me until Stephen was diagnosed I thought I was just not discipling him enough but now I know that I have to explain to him (several times) what he did that was wrong, then discipline and then work on correcting the behavior.
Renee – I am so glad that your sweet little one is being checked now instead of after several years of school! If she is ADHD or ADD please be very careful what medicine she takes – if you go that route. So many of the meds can cause serious damage to the body. I will be praying for your sweet little one, your family and you! Mine my sometimes be difficult but he is MY blessing for God and I wouldn’t trade him for anything!
Oh please don’t apologize! I think this is exactly in line with the kind of homework this study has in mind. I am so glad that you switched churches. You most definitely want to make sure that you are in a church where your child can be nourished and fed the Word in a compassionate, patient, and understanding environment. When I taught Sunday school there was this little boy who had extreme ADHD and was always getting into trouble. His mama was just the sweetest lady, and every class she would walk up with this look of dread on her face as she asked how he did. I always focused on telling her everything good that he did, but there were others who could not wait to tell her all of the mistakes that he made. It made my skin crawl 🙁 These were not cruel people; they were people who thought that the issue was discipline. So many people (myself included) don’t know how to handle a child struggling so hard with understanding what is expected of them and following through with those expectations like children with ADHD do, but I know that the answer is NOT to shame them or their parents! Praying for you, sweet mama!
I agree with Laura. What a sweet mama you are and Im so sorry for what you’ve been through. I have an adopted 4yr old who was just recently assessed for ADHD and other developmental delays and it’s hard. It’s so important for us to have support and kindness from others like Laura who want to encourage and help – not shame and demean.
So, no need to apologize. Im glad you talked about. Healing comes when we are brave enough to be honest about our hurts and disappointments with ourselves, each other and esp God. This is a safe place to share and it helps us all to learn from one another’s stories and pray for each other’s struggles. 🙂
I am praying for you Christina! And thank you all for letting me share my feelings as well. It is really great to be able to get these things out of my heart, so that I can take off the mask. I really like the suggestion of answering with I am blessed. And to begin my day with telling myself that I am blessed, what a great way to renew my mind. Instead of focusing on things that have gone wrong, or will go wrong, I will remind myself of all the blessings God has given me. Thank you everyone! And thank you Renee for giving us a safe place, to learn more about the Lord. 🙂
Wendy, I feel the exact same way. The biggest difference is that I moved two years ago to where I am currently living and have not found a new church, have not found anyone that I feel comfortable talking to, and only have my two kids, who have no idea the struggle that I am having. Everything that I do is for others…making others happy. Dealing with health issues, and at this point, I’m not sure if I can take the mask off, because I don’t want my kids to worry about me and how I’m feeling. I’m happiest when I am with my kids, but wish I had someone that I could lean on or get that needed hug. Reading about all these ladies that are in multiple marriages, I’m sorry for what they are going through, but enjoy what God gave you…someone to love and be a loving wife. I am 43 years old and never been married, and have given up all hope on ever finding that one special man that God has in mind for me, but I’m letting Him write my love story. Lord, please give us all the strength to be able to deal with this mask removing study and bring us closer to you….
Don’t give up hope! God will provide abundantly for you. As for taking your mask off with the kids, depending on their age, most kids can sense when their parents are stressed out or struggling. I know I sensed incredible tension from my parents when we first emigrated to the US and struggled financially. It’s fine to not want them to worry, but if they’re old enough, you could ask them to pray with you. God bless!
To piggy back on what Julie said, I wanted to share with you a little bit of my own testimony as someone who grew up in an extremely chaotic situation. My mama was DESPERATE to keep it together for us and it ended up tearing her apart wearing that mask. She worked so hard to keep us from knowing how much pain she was in, but we KNEW and she indirectly sent us the message that it was a bad thing to show the proper emotion for pain. I have an aunt, however, who was going through something EXTREMELY painful and she would cry for days at a time and share her struggle. She would be strong when able and break down as it came. Both of them handled it the way that they thought best for those around them and were (are) trusting in the Lord, and I am not trying to throw my mom under the bus by any means because she is a wonderful mother. I just want you to know though, that my aunt’s example was (and still is) CRUCIAL to me when I go through dark valleys…because I am now a mother of 3 and don’t want them to believe that it is wrong to suffer or express pain in the face of suffering; that it actually takes a great deal of strength to admit to our weaknesses. We can REALLY minister to our children by allowing ourselves to feel our feelings and express them properly.
Big hug from me.
(((Hugs))) Julia!
I can definitely relate, know that I am praying for you and that Jesus is right there with you
I am not fine either. I’ve been hurt and marked by events that shaped my image of God. His love is showing me how much I need Him and that He wants to be there for me. He reassures me He doesn’t want to change the course of my day, but my life. He wants to get into me. Be the cornerstone I build my life upon.
Grace, I love your verbage in your post “He doesn’t want to change the course of my day, but my life” How awesome is that!! That really sums it up. Sometimes we pray for our “day” not our journey as a whole. This truly ministered to me, thank you for sharing it. What God truly wants to do is transform us change our life so we can live abundantly. I’m going to post this somewhere in my home so I can ready it daily. It is so true!!! I will be praying for you today.
Hi Juile
I too like that part. I feel if we keep this in our minds it will help us change and remember God dose want to be with us in every part of our life.
in Christ Love Amen
Amen that is a great way to look at it and not get bogged down with the day to day stuff. its great reading all your comments and not only good to hear how we all are going through similar feelings. Since my husband left me I keep finding more and more people who are or have gone through similar experiences and it is hard. It is hard to be in the valley and I still feel sadened for all those who have to go through it. I hope to come out of it and be a stronger person, stronger in my faith and most of all able to help others struggling.
God has a purpose for each of us and he turns our trials around for good things. We have to keep trusting in him.
Also the tears are flowing again as I too am not ok, and I too feel the pain and I just want to focus on God and let him heal my emotions, my pain.
My prayer is that everone will know God closer and more intermitely, like they have never known him before. That “God is doing a good work in you”.
Wow what a great statement. It seems like it should be a “duh!” But too often I feel like we live as if statements like this are “What? Really?” Statements. Thanks for sharing! I know our God is great but I fall into thinking that the little things in life aren’t important enough to bother Him with, that so many people have it so much worse than I do so I have no right to have a “bad” day! But He cares about are lives, our whole lives, it says in Luke 12:7 “…the very hairs of your head are numbered…” Lord, I ask for your great will in all of our lives, our whole lives. In Jesus name.
I am not sure I am doing this right..but the moment I picked up this book and started reading I cried. Talk about hitting home. I love when everything happens for a reason. Thank you to my friend Michelle for the nudge to read this book. Excited to continue this amazing Journey!
Brandi I am there with you! Chapter 2 really hit home and I have been crying also! I love when God gives us healing tears!! They may not seem that way at the moment – to me they seem like tears of shame – but I know by the end of this study they WILL be tears of healing! I am thanking God that I found Renee’s bible study on Pinterest!
I’ve cried while reading today, also.
Renee writing style that really speaks to my heart in such a sweet and fresh way
So glad we can all come together and study and walk through life together!
I cried, too!! I cry a lot anyway but that first chapter so spoke to me about a personal relationship with Jesus and with my Heavenly Father – how I believed in Him but now I must move forward to believing His word. I can no longer blame myself – beat myself up – because I believe He is leading and guiding and changing me. And, loving me! Hallelujah!! I have never been freer!!
I am definitely not fine and I so desperately want to be, or at least feel ok. Sometimes the struggle gets too much and I really don’t want to do life anymore but I just get up and keep moving. What choice do I have? I do not understand this at all. Thre are so many great things happening in my life and I know God is working through it all. I should feel joy, hope, excitement except it is not that way at all. I’m so sorry that I am not more positive but the truth is this is where I am and I hate it. Who wants to be around someone who feels so bad all the time? It also saddens me because I could be doing so much more if I felt better. Once again I fight the tears. I am so tired of the tears.
Thank you for sharing. We’ve all shed tears and God sees every one of them. He can turn your heart, He can bring you joy. I pray that you’ll find rest in Him today. Don’t give up!
Me, too. Only I don’t let the tears out. They are stuck inside.
Why not cry, Amy?
I understand completely where you are coming from, and the most comfort I find is in God’s promise to be close to the broken hearted. We have to keep in mine that our future is just a memory to God, and one day we also will understand why we with through these low times. As tired of the tears you are and I am too, God is healing you every time you open up to Him and cry out to Him in those tears. I am praying for you and know how difficult that place is to be. Remember that you pain is understood and felt by God. This world is broken and that sin is what causes us so much pain because we long for that perfect world that we were made for. Jesus will heal you and strengthen you, and He promises that in comparison to your whole life this pain will only last a little while. Take hope in the promise that this is only to make you stronger and in your weakness God is made strong. Our hope is in the Lord, and don’t let satan take that hope from you.
Amen, Julia!
I feel the same way today, having a harder time dealing with life, i know it’s just my feelings & emotions & He hasn’t changed, never will, that gives me hope once again. I suffer from S.A.D. & so my energy is very low. I’m praying for all you ladies in this study, but why do i always feel like i’m having the worst problems, i suffer so bad with low self esteem, social anxiety, depression, which i continue to ask prayer for, thanks in advance. For me to take off my mask is going to be the hardest thing, & i will consider that a miracle in itself if i ever do, I am soooooooooo thankful i can at least tell Him all.
Jesus- I pray for this sister today. Oh I pray you would make yourself known to her in a special, close-knit way. That she would sense your presence so fully and her spirit would be filled with nothing but your joy. I pray that she would continue to read in this study and Your Word so that her life and mind is saturated in the truth of it. Amen.
Hi Norma.
Your honesty is beautiful.
I wanted to say I have felt what you are going through.
I have told my myself, why keep living I cannot do anything right, I am such a failure, I was angry at myself for crying all the time. tired of being tired. I want to encourage you and let you know it does get better. keep trusting God, He does know what He is doing, although you may question that, I know I did. Continue to persevere. =)
Lord I pray your blessings over Norma today, as she continues to take off her mask before You, that You would fill her soul with an overflowing joy and surpassing peace and that she would sense your ever present presence embracing her. Amen.
God bless and keep you sister. =)
Norma…those very words are in my heart. How can I not be fine? I have 3 children (one with congenital heart disease), a husband, (a struggling marriage), my elderly grandmother who suffers from diabetes and dementia, my mom (mentally ill), and a full time job to do. If I’m not fine, what are they? Truth is, I’m not good and I desire to be. I long for things to be fine, or for myself to be fine. I know God loves me and that brings me joy but I don’t deserve his love and that saddens me. I’m so thankful to have joined this journey to know that other Christian women feel my pain. It helps to get these things out.
Sabrina,
Of course you aren’t fine! As I read through your post, I was confused until I got to the end. I was confused, because you said, “How can I not be fine?” but as you listed off the things that you are having to deal with right now, I thought, “Of course she’s not fine!! Anyone would be a hot mess with so much going on around them!” As the “healthy” one in the situation, you are probably trying to carry all of those burdens yourself and so that would naturally bring you to the brink of despair. I pray that you will be gracious towards yourself for responding the way that anyone would to a lot of overwhelming and painful situations in your life 🙁 I pray that you would be able to fully hand all of this over to Him and allow Him to carry these burdens and yours as well. I am praying for peace that surpasses all understanding to guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.
Linda please go to your therapist. I have learned not to isolate. I have also learned that it is a chemical imbalance and that it is not my fault. My responsibility it to take care of me by asking God to lead me to where I can get help. I do take medication and it has helped tremendously in the past. Right now I am just going through another episode which was triggered by major stress. Please please see a psychiatrist for meds. I know that no matter how many times i would see a counselor nothing helped until the stability of inner being was stabilized with the proper medication. However on that same note do continue to reach out and share. There is hope, really. i know I don’t feel like it sometimes but I have also learned that feelings are not facts, they come and go so I have to remind myself of the facts. God does have a plan. I sometimes don’t like it.
Norma, I think you hit the nail on the head so to speak. I find it very hard to be truthful about my feelings of not being ok, because i tend to think no one wants to be around a negative person. Therefore, not being positive and being honest when asked only pushes people away and alliennats me even more and as a result brings more feelings of lonliness and dispair. I do think that God puts people in our lives to help us. I know this in my head, but it’s my heart I have a hard time controling.
Being someone with depression–or “anger turned inwards”–I have often been very hard on myself, expecting myself to be completely perfect and self-sufficient. (Side note: I have had a severe physical disability since birth.) When I eventually fail–which I will, when my standards are set too impossibly high– this feelings lead me to think…how could ANYONE love me? Loving myself first, though, has been the key to turning this thinking around. It has NOT come automatically, but one thing my therapist said really helped: “Would you blame your friend with cancer for not being able to do all these things by herself?” “No, of course not! She can’t help it if she has cancer.” “Neither can you with your disability. Why won’t you let YOURSELF off the hook as you would anyone else you love?” That was a big “Ah ha” moment for me, and it also has made me realize that I was trying to be on the same level as God…perfect. But there’s no way any of us can do that, so why try to fight a battle that you just can’t win? Since starting to “let go,” I have started to love myself more and don’t get as lonely now, since I’ve found I can have a lot of fun by myself when I’m not “bullying” or putting myself down. It’s just like if you had another person there…would you want to hang around with someone that always made you feel bad about yourself? NO! So you can’t be that person to yourself, because you can never get away from…yourself! So love yourself and realize God’s non-judgmental love for you, and that will spill over into love for others, and they will be graced with your light!
You are so not alone. And you put my feelings in words much better than me. I have made so many appointments with therapist and cancel them at the 11th hour because if I go there then I am even more of a failure cause I cannot just pull myself up by myself. There is so much to be grateful for in my life yet I feel sadness and cry all the time. I am ashamed to show my face anywhere now because everyone is always asking what is wrong with you and I have to lie and say oh I am FINE. It was just this movie I watched, or I am just thinking of my brother who passed away, or yah it is my friend she has cancer. Although those things are true that is NOT the reason for my tears and no I am NOT FINE, and I don’t know how to get FINE before I lose more loved ones who just cannot take it anymore. I have another appointment coming up that I think I will cancel.
Linda, I know how you feel because I was the same way. I have suffered from episodes of depression for most of my life. A couple of years ago, I had to quit my job because of back pain and the financial strain has been horrible. I sank into a depression that I just could not seem to recover from, no matter what I did. I even lost my faith in God for a while, which made the situation even worse. I finally made an appointment with a therapist who could also prescribe medication and it was one of the best things that I could have done. I had some of the same feelings about it that you do, but please keep your appointment with the therapist. You wouldn’t feel this way about going to a doctor with a broken arm or to a dentist with a sore tooth. I know that there are many people who have an opinion about depression, but I firmly believe that it is a true illness and that is what you have to look at it as. Do not beat yourself up because you need help, we all do and some more than others. I’ve been taking an anti-depressive medication for about a year now and it has been life-changing. I feel normal again and not like I can’t stop dwelling on all of the negative things in my life. The situation in my life have not changed but the way that I think about them has changed. God will help us but he also calls us to help ourselves. Please don’t give up. God bless you
Linda,
Please don’t cancel your next appointment. Actually, I think you might benefit from some medication. God provided doctors and medication for chemical imbalances. My thought would be to go to a psychiatrist who is able to diagnose and treat the problem rather than go to a therapist who isn’t a medical doctor. God bless.
Linda,
Carol is right! I was where you are now, thirty years ago. I was diagnosed with a mental illness. I thought I would never be able to do anything. But there in the hospital God spoke to my heart, and told me to be a Special Education teacher. There were so many reasons why I couldn’t – But I DID. With God’s help and medication, I finished college and taught for 15 years.
I am looking at Jeremiah 1:5, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart (for a special work).” God may have “set me apart” to encourage you as you struggle as I once did.
Rose Ann
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ,so also our comfort abounds through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5
🙂 !!!
Linda please go to your therapist. I have learned not to isolate. I have also learned that it is a chemical imbalance and that it is not my fault. My responsibility it to take care of me by asking God to lead me to where I can get help. I do take medication and it has helped tremendously in the past. Right now I am just going through another episode which was triggered by major stress. Please please see a psychiatrist for meds. I know that no matter how many times i would see a counselor nothing helped until the stability of inner being was stabilized with the proper medication. However on that same note do continue to reach out and share. There is hope, really. i know I don’t feel like it sometimes but I have also learned that feelings are not facts, they come and go so I have to remind myself of the facts. God does have a plan. I sometimes don’t like it.
I saw your name and thought “I did not remember posting”…..
Then I read your post…It could have been my post numerous times in the past. Thankfully, God has brought me thru those dark times. I will be praying for you.
God recently showed me that my sorrows have a lot to do with relationships I have allowed to clutter my heart and mind. Though sometimes it does mean I need to end a relationship, most of the time, I need to re-examine and change the role I am allowing that person to play in my life.
Thus really hits home with me since I am struggling with the pain of divorce. This was my secdond marriage, the one that I thought would last a lifetime. I had been hurt so mant times before & this was the man that I thought would not do that. Now I struggle with hurt, loss, loneliness, and fear of what lies ahead. When others ask how are you I give. Standard I am haning in answer. I hide behind that when I want to scream I just need a hug or a place to just cry. This journey we are taking is beginning to help me at least be open with my heavenly Father. Thanks so much.
I read some ot these stories and I know why this study is so important to have. The false mask of ” I’m fine” must come off and we all need to be in the word of God, there the answers lay. This is a wonderful study, thank you…Dawn
so true. i will generally spare strangers, lol, but if friends ask, i’m honest, now. unfortunately, many ask but few really want to allow you to feel what you feel without becoming all “Job’s Friends” about it and rebuking even your Godly sorrow, but i refuse to be inauthentic anymore.
You are so right about everyone going all “Job’s friends” on you! lol. A lot of times they are just trying to help, but then you immediately regret ever opening up…and then up come those walls. I was thinking about the wall of Jericho the other day, and how they all screamed at once and the walls came down. I was thinking of a different application with that…sometimes, I believe that when life, the world, and the enemy are so loud and it feels like the walls are caving in, that God allows it to scream all at once in order for our walls that we built can come crashing down so that we can regain that territory!
I can so relate. I am very open and honest… I have been blessed with very open and honest friends. But there are times I don’t share, because I just don’t need one more person telling me that what I said was wrong or I shouldn’t have done that, or….lol I know Iron Sharpens Iron…and I’m grateful for women who speak truth to me and are strong in the Lord…but sometimes…just sometimes, I want to tell you what happened without you telling me all the things I should or could have done instead. I AM working on me. But sometimes just let me be me. Sometimes I’ll start the conversation with..”Well, you probably won’t like this, but”…because I said something in anger to the husband I have who left us for his affair… I just cannot be perfect all the time and I am human and sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I say snarky things. Okay… I don’t ALWAYS have to hear about it from you. I already know. Kind of off the subject, but I needed to vent a bit. I wish someone was in HIS ear telling him how wrong he is!
The point of that was, that sometimes I now just say, “I’m Fine”.
Yes! Sometimes we do have to preface what we are about to say with a request to not rebuke…lol. Ugh. On the other end of that, I am really working personally on only giving advice and gently rebuking when the person ASKS me for it…or at least asking them if they want advice or are just needing someone to listen. I am going to school to become a Christian counselor, so finding a balance has been a challenge for me!
I can absolutely relate to this. I remember one Sunday as I was driving to church, I began to cry as I became overwhelmed with what I’d been dealing with. I was supposed to teach my new members class. The class I’d been teaching for the past ten years. As we approached the church I could not get myself together. I could not put the mask on. I remember thinking “get it together, put the mask on, & teach”. But I absolutely couldn’t. I sat in my car & cried the entire Sunday School hour. I cried the tears that I had held back for weeks & months. I cried the tears that the mask wouldn’t allow to flow.
I am so glad you said that. I have found that most don’t really want to know. It is hard to open up because of that. Not everyone has normal problems with normal answers. I have found that many are intolerant with what is beyond their own experience or don’t want to hear a repeat. It leaves a whole group of people in the dark, questioning their walk with God and these followers that teach but don’t do. It is a struggle for some to overcome. It is encouraging to hear you say you aren’t going to let others stop you though. Something I need to hear right now!
in fact, yesterday, a friend asked me how i was doing and i told her, not very well, but my Father knows and i’m choosing to worship Him. i’m hurting. and that’s fine. i’m hurting in the Master’s hands, suffering according to God’s will, as the Word says. So, i guess i AM fine, actually (lol).
I love your analogy! Thank you for sharing these words. This can be a new way to say “I’m fine!”
Thanks for your analogy, I love it . This is a great study and it always seems to fit perfectly with life.
I live your courage to stand up for what you believe. And knowing that Christ is the center of your life with this. He will never let you be “just fine”. Thanks for sharing with me. I am encouraged by your strength.
Great way to look at it Thanks
I can so relate to you dKnigh. I’m at a place right now where I’m totally relying on God for my healing. For me after a while I get tired of singing the same old song about feeling hurt & sometimes feelings of despair. Especially when I get that “Oh you’re still struggling with this huh?” Now it’s btwn me & God only He can heal me & He always listen’s. As a result I’m making strides & digging more into the Word to find my comfort & I never get the “Oh it’s you again feeling” Well maybe sometimes lol. I have to say that it’s also teaching me to be more sensitive to other peoples pain & struggle. I’m realizing that all people need is for someone to listen to them & encourage them. I mean let’s be realistic God is not gonna just zap the issue I’m going thru away. But in Him He’s carrying me thru.
Deborah, I am so thankful to have read this. I am currently struggling with this, except that I am not doing so well with it. I am basically isolated to God. I don’t want the judgement that you eventually get from others, so I have just shut down. I am not doing as well in the going to God department because honestly, I am just plain angry with Him in the moment. It feels as though he will never move. I feel as though I will be stuck here forever, being made to perfect my walk without any support. I feel drained and used and tired. I don’t feel like God has my back even though I know better. I am in this study with whatever little bit of faith I have at the moment, praying for some relief because I just don’t have anything left to give.
Didn’t realize I would go that far with my post. I think that some are just left behind in their “drama” when what they really need is an answer and some compassion. People think just because the problem is “STILL” around its because you are doing something wrong in your walk. This devastatingly LONG journey God has me on is not my choice. It is in His hands. I try to forgive those who see it any other way.
Thank you for your words. I want so much to be fine, but I am not fine. Your words helped because my Father knows too, and I am waiting patiently, praising him until I am really fine.
I love this Bonnie, thank you so much for sharing.
I find that sometimes the reason I don’t open up to friends or others is because I am so afraid that they will think I’m crazy or will think less of me because of my doubts and fears…I wish I had a strong godly woman in my life that I could turn to, but do realize that God’s Word is a place of refuge for me. This study is bringing me to a place where I want to be real with God and others! The enemy is still on my shoulders but I know that God is going to bring me through and give me the assurance that I need that can only be found in Him!
Laura, I will pray for you and pray that our Father will send someone to be that friend you need but you are right, God and His Word are all you really need. He knows you like no one else does and loves you so very much. Rest in His love, dear lady. God bless you.
Laura, Am with u and greatful that we are on this journey together. If u need to talk am here for u. Take care and Godbless
Hi Laura- I also struggle every day with what other people will think of me. Although it takes a lot of practice to overcome this fear, I try to think, “If the one and only God loves and cherishes me, why does it really matter what other people think? They are fallible humans, just as I am.”
Girls,
I have struggled with being a “people pleaser” since i was a child. Afraid that if I did something wrong or said something wrong people wouldn’t like me or love me. My mother told me when i was little that if I wasn’t a good girl, she would leave me and at the tender age of 8 years old, she left me and my younger brothers. Two were under the age of three. After that I tried to be the perfect daughter and in my mother’s eyes, I failed at that. I tried to be the perfect little mother to my brothers. After all, ours walked out on us. I tried to be the perfect sister, aunt, mother to my own children, wife to my ex-husband who left me for another woman, etc. The list goes on. Self esteem was nonexistance in my life. It has taken me a long time to get over that. No my mother did not leave because I was a “bad girl.” I know now that she and my dad were having problems. I was loved. I was loved by our heavenly Father all this time. This fact sustains me when I find myself searching for love or approval. I already have that. I only have to look deep within my soul/heart. I pray that we will all over come our fears, whatever they may be. I pray this study will make each one of us stronger and more confident within ourselves. I pray that each one of us will realize we have been loved all this time and we can stop searching and begin living our lives to the fullest.
Hi Jane,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I too am dealing with a situation very similar to yours. This is my 4th marriage and I too thought this was the one that would last a lifetime. We have been in a terrible fight for several days (very little talking, no physical contact, etc.). Last night divorce came up. I have been through this before several times and my husband has been divorced once before. He is not a Christian and that makes this struggle even harder. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go through the pain, loneliness, and fear of the unknown all over again. I’ve been telling everyone that I’m hanging in there too, but it just hurts so much. I will pray for you- just remember you are not alone.
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to take a moment to share the miracles that God has done in my family’s lives in the last year. About a year ago my husband fell off the wagon . It was a really hard time for my family and I didn’t think we were going to make it. We have seven kids between the two of us, so I started praying and praying, tithing, and reached out to everyone in my church letting them know we were not fine and needed help. Up until that point, he had never attended church with me that often, and he was also hiding a relationship with another woman behind my back. We were in shambles. I don’t even know how it happened, but I believe that God saved our family because I was not afraid to reach out for help and say that we were not fine, and we also started tithing 10% regardless of how poor we were.
My husband accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior and we had child dedications, baptisms, and got married all at the beginning of this year. We had been engaged for almost 8 years, but I did not want to marry an unbeliever who struggled with addiction. Since then, God has blessed our family tremendously. I cannot even think of an area of our lives that hasn’t been changed. Praise The Lord for taking over when we admitted we were not fine and handed the reins over to him!!
Thanks for sharing your testimony of how being real and letting others know the truth helped your situation. As the word says, the truth will set your free. Keep being real and giving your testimonies. Thanks.
Praise God! This post is so inspirational~thank you for sharing!
its good to be encouraged by other people’s testimonies, thanks.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am going through something very similar to your story. I am only being half honest to my family I answer with thte typical I am fine. Thankfully God has put the most amazing friend and neighbor into my life, and I can be perfectly transparent and honest with her. However, I still feel the pain, as I have not turned it over to God and I fear my families reactions to my still wanting to love and support a man that has addiction issues.
Hi everyone,
The topic of divorce is a sensitive topic. Those of you who have been married more than once and divorce twice need to examine yourselves. There is a pattern that is being repeated and needs to be corrected. It must start within our selves. If we dont look, we will be like the isrealite in the wilderness. I speak from experience. I have been married and divorce twice. I finally realized that i was the common denominator in these relationship. I choose men beneath me and who made me feel that i had no worth. If the lord has my next mate, i will wait until he presents him to me. I first had to admit that my choices were poor ones. As a christian, i will not be unequally yoke. I do trust the lord with this area of my life. For those that are married and are having difficulty in there marriage, ask God to change you first and he will take of your spouse in due time. I tell this to my daughter. I encourage my son inlaw as well.
Awesome
Hang in there Julie and Jane. God has a plan for each of you and we have to be patient and wait. Pray to him over your relationships. I am in the same position you are. I am on my second marriage, one that I thought would last forever. I thought this was THE one, my soul mate, etc./ But did I really know what love is? Did I really know who I was? I was lost for so long and like the line from Amazing Grace….”but now I am found…”
Don’t despair. I am sure things will become clearer as we dive into our readings a little bit more. My husband says I have changed. I think I have grown as a person. I am beginning to know my authentic self and I am beginning to like what I see. It feels like I am peeling back the layers of an onion. Layers of rejection, fear, abuse, etc to get to the REAL me. I think that is the reason I decided to do this study. I struggle daily but I know that is the devil trying to reach my heart and soul and I am fighting back. So you, too must fight back and not let fear, or whatever may be taking it’s hold on your hearts and minds. We are no longer VICTIMS, we are VICTORS. I like the sound of that. I am praying.
Jane – I’m so, so sorry because I am in EXACTLY the same spot: 2nd marriage, the one that was meant to be, the one that has brought me so much joy through our little girl and so much pain through his decision to leave, and to literally tell me that “You aren’t good enough. I deserve HER.”
I am NOT fine. I am so grateful. I have health and a supportive family and friends but its hard and I’m scared and I want to rest in faith but tere is so much stacked against me…
Anyway – you are not alone. I’m right there with you. And we can jut be not fine together!!
Hi Jane, Julie, Rachael and any other ladies…I was going through this myself six month ago…I am on my fourth marriage and really wanted it to work, I have felt like such a failure because my marriage was on the brink of divorce again. But wisdom through my pastors wife and staying so deeply into God’s Word on marriage, wives, my role, the fruit of the spirit. God spoke to my heart…PRAY FOR CHANGE IN YOU…to be who God wants YOU to be for Him!!! My marriage has done a 360 degree turnaround. All the Glory to God!…You can’t change him but you can change YOU.
So sorry for all that you precious ladies are going through. As I read your comments I thought of Waiting for His Heart (lessons from a wife who chose to stay) by Joy McClain. Maybe it would be another resource for you.
That is one of the things God has showed me in dealing with my separation from my husband, is that I can not change him. Only God can change him, but I stopped praying for a change in him and begin praying that God would change me. Even though we are not currently talking to one another and yes it does bother me, but I trust and believe that God has all things under control. Yes, I still do pray for my husband but my prayers for him are different now. I hear the hearts of each one of the ladies that has shared their hurts on divorce and martial issues. Even though it hurts and we fear the unknown, God knows and He wants to give you hope and a future. He is a loving God that is not trying to hurt or harm any of us. He just wants us to come to Him, believe Him, trust Him, give Him control. God wants to give us more then we can ever imagine for ourselves, but we must trust Him. “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. I will continue to pray for all of you…to God be the glory!
Thank you for sharing this Twana:
Even though it hurts and we fear the unknown, God knows and He wants to give you hope and a future. He is a loving God that is not trying to hurt or harm any of us. He just wants us to come to Him, believe Him, trust Him, give Him control. God wants to give us more then we can ever imagine for ourselves, but we must trust Him. “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.
So, so, so true. I know because I’ve been in both places. Thank you for your encouragement to us all.
oh amen- prayer always changes things!! From the inside out. 🙂 So excited for you Girl!
Im praying for you, too, Rachel and as I do, Isa 54:5-6 comes to mind for those who are hurting from the pain of broken marriages, relationship rejections, and deep disappointment in people’s conditional love:
For your Maker is your husband– the LORD Almighty is his name– the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. 6 The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit– a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God.
what a beautiful verse:)
Yes divorce is really a painful thing and a bad experience to go through especially when you are a believe. I went through this experience and thought I could never get over it and always keep telling friends I’m fine. But as I kept trusting in God and believinag in His words of encouragement promises, my life is now at ease and at peace. Christ was bruised, broken and shame for us, He took our hurt and dispair away so that we might have HOPE, ENCOURAGEMENT AND PEACE. Keep marching on like an army and never loose hope.
Thank you May for sharing the reality of your walk through the valley and also the hope of the green pastures and still waters Jesus can bring us too. Im praying for Him to shepherd each of us to those places today as we soak in His love and promises for us.
Jane, I understand. I am on my third marriage and so relate to the woman at the well. I was raised in a family that not only doesn’t divorce but are all happily married for 30, 40 and 65 years. My dearest and closest friends are all married for 35-45 years. I, like Sam, feel their disapproval of me. It is hard to love yourself when you struggle with the rejection of husbands and even some rejection of well meaning friends. I want so, to grasp Christ’s love for me, but it doesn’t happen, I feel so damaged.
I feel the ache in your words and Im praying for you too Lynn. Oh how I pray you would know today that you are not defined by your divorces, you are not defined by people’s labels, but you are defined by God’s unfailing love and grace and purpose for you. Im so grateful that following Jesus isn’t about being perfect or having a perfect story, but it’s about surrendering to His perfect love for us. 🙂
thank you Renee for those words – how we are not defined by our divorces, labels, etc. but by God’s unfailing love….they really hit me – I too am suffering 1 week after my 50th birthday, last november, my divorce was final….this was so not where I wanted to be at 50 – divorce mother of two (one with cerebral palsy) – but the devil got a hold of my husband and he is now suffering from mental illness, probably bipolar w/ psychosis and belives he is fine, therefore not treating – not working, speaking and acting crazy – I felt i had no choice for my boys sake and future but to divorce my husband, but as logical and sane that sounds, I am still riddled with guilt for “not being there” for him during “sickness and health”. I can’t even imagine setting myself and my boys up for another devastating relationship. I am SO glad you are doing this study and that I am blessed to be doing it with you and all these lovely women. Back to the subject – I too say “i’m fine” at work, but its because I feel like a broken record – nothing has really changed from day to day – I can’t really move forward because my ex is always at my house seeing the boys (I won’t let him have them due to his mental instability and living in a 20×20 foot room). I see that I need to get into the Word more and let God take care of me and my boys and not try to do it all myself. sorry so wordy…:)
Janet,
Thank you for sharing a piece of your story. I have been divorced three years now, and divorced my husband for very similar reasons. He had a breakdown, was put in an institution but refused to continue treatment, to admit what was really wrong. I didn’t let him come back home afterwards, his presence had been so dark for so long, and I couldn’t let that continue in our home. My daughter and I were shrinking, drying up without any l light. I so wish we had put Jesus at the center of our home back then, then maybe we would have found our way out of the darkness by a different path than divorce. But what you said about the gulit resonated with me. I still remember vividly how his hands shook from the medication when I told him he couldn’t stay with us, how I hated that I had not seen his psychosis, the ledge he was broaching sooner. I was a liscensed mental health therapist and I had no idea he was suffering from paranoid delusions, contemplating suicide, that he had kept a loaded gun downstairs to do the deed. I have battled with the choice I made so I understand that ache of wondering if there was something else you could have done, should have done. This study has been so good for me already, and I too am so thankful to be sharing it with other women who are imperfectly beautiful.
I “know” that I am not alone in being divorced and being a single mom, but the enemy holds that lie against me all the time. I do use the “I’m fine” to many, but I’ve found a core group of women that I am transparent with, but there are still times where I spiral out of control in sadness and loneliness in my fleshly weakness. I’m sad that there are others in this study that are dealing with this as well, but I am glad that so many of us sisters are going to be blessed that we can truly know the Lord’s promises are for each of us as well and that we can wk in them with His peace and joy in our hearts!!!
Goes back to the last chapter of our study…we move from believing in God to BELIEVING God – believing His Word – believing He means what He says about His love for us, our worth and having a new life, provided by, cherished by Him. I get very excited, thrillled when I think about trusting God’s word and it being my reality!!
Thank you for those words, Renee. It’s a beautiful prayer. Praying that for all of us!
Jane, Im so sorry for your pain and loss and the valley you are walking through. Jesus wants to be a safe place for you to run too. Im praying Psalm 23 for you right now.
I’m in pain & asking God to help heal me & my whole family. We lost my sister at the age of 53 for breast cancer that left her 2 children. Few months before that her husband died as well of liver cancer. A lot of questions played on my mind. Hearing Christian songs & receiving inspiring words from proverbs helped. We really asking everyone we met to help us pray. The trials did not last there my brother lost his 1st full term baby 2 months after we lost our sister. My sister in laws had 4 miscarriage at that supposed to be their first baby but baby did not survive. Who does not help after these trials. God works in mysterious ways thru people around us. Hoping for complete healing of our family. Please Lord help us.
There is so much on my mind as I read. I was saved after I was married and struggle with sharing and wanting to help others see God as Love and yet I still struggle as I am learning of His unconditional love. I get exhausted with my fears of my husband and family not being saved and the pressure of knowing others watching me yet I’m not whole and healed. Praying for families that are dealing with death and health issues as well as my family yet mad that I cannot give the answers or understand myself at times of what people need to hear when they see all the death and assaults towards children, etc while I’m struggling off and on as judgement, anger bitterness and jealousy continue to arise in me justwhen I think I’ve made progress and all the while not truly knowing how to hear from God or the worries I have for the husband I love that I want to believe yet my emotions are like a roller coaster and then after my roller coaster I think I’m supposed to be the example…and the root is always fear..fear of what next rather than being able to really see God and His great promises as some many go through life and wanting to be truly free in Christ and have peace and look and have victory and look at the blessings. I guess I get tired of the war yet I want to live a long happy life with my husband and loved ones. Wow, that was a lot of scattered venting.
I know exactly how you feel. I am on my third marriage and was sure I couldn’t possibly make the same mistakes for a third time~how stupid would I have to be? But I am once again finding myself in a relationship that continually pushes me to depend more on God for my emotional existence and not any man or other human being….not even my husband. God is teaching me through each relationship that he is the only one who can give me what I need. So, I guess, that makes each failed relationship worth it in the end!
Thank you for your honesty. I know where you are coming from as I am learning some of those same lessons myself. He’s still working on me to make me what I ought to be. God is so good and to Him be the glory!
Jane, I have been where you are. Second marriage, second divorce. I also thought this one would be the one to last and it broke my heart resoundingly when it didn’t. It has been three years now and the pain has lessened, but still present. I can tell you one thing that helped so much was going through the Divorce Care program at my church, letting my child go through the children’s version also. I shared a room each week with other broken women and men, each letting those masks slip, none of us pretending we were okay. We also shared that room with someone else who made the world of difference. Jesus. If you can find one of these programs in your area, go. It will help, God will help. I will be praying for you.
Cass
Jane, praying for you today. I, too, have experienced divorce and it is incredibly painful. If someone hasn’t gone through it, they really can’t relate. I went attended a ministry called DivorceCare that was very helpful. You can “google” it to find groups in your area. Still seeking healing, myself. But, it is better than it was. Hang in there!
Jane, I too am going through the pain of ending a 31 year marriage. I am trying to be patient and wait for God’s healing for me to recover fully from this season in my life. My prays go out to you
Hi Jane,
I feel your hurt and understand your longings for what is to come because your story is quite similar to mine having been married twice and both marriages failing. I think Renee hits the nail right on the head when she speaks of “looking to others to fill us up”, I know that has been my longing since a young girl and I’m so grateful for your post! It certainly spoke to my heart and all that you have been going through because it makes me feel like I’m not the only one who is heart broken over the loss and failures of my our marriages. I’m also so grateful that through “A Confident Heart” I can find that longing only through Christ and He is the love who will fill me and provide for my every need. May I encourage you as you walk your journey to find that peace within and dependance for Him to touch and heal your heart and soul.
God Bless and thank you for your post!
In Him,
Clarissa