I remember the day I hit rock bottom as a mom. Tired of struggling with comparison, self-defeat, and my cruel inner critic, I desperately wanted and needed things to change. But I didn’t know what changes were needed until I got brave enough to ask Jesus to show me.
I started asking Him to help me turn my self-defeat into self-awareness when I found myself in a downward spiral and would often borrow King David’s vulnerable and courageous prayer:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test my thoughts. Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life” (Ps. 139:23–24 TLB).
Praying these words was my way of inviting God into the process of examining my thoughts, emotions, and actions to see if there were any patterns causing me to sabotage my joy and purpose, especially as a mom. And I discovered that God is gracious and willing to give us wisdom and clarity when we ask Him for it (Prov. 2:6; James 1:5).
Making Adjustments
In my book, A Confident Mom, I share how it became clear over time that I had to make changes but most importantly, be willing to change. One of the things I learned the hard way is that when I am having a super stressful day, I need to stop and evaluate what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.
Pausing my agenda long enough to ask myself if something needs to be adjusted in our schedule or if I need to pivot my plans to make things better—for myself and my kids—is always a good idea. I also need to ask myself what my children are capable of at their age and with their unique wiring and build in consideration for what will set them and me up for success. That comes from a place of love—a place of loving my kids and loving myself enough to want things to go well and to want our day to be a positive experience for us all.
This is a much better place than plowing through our day, fueled by my desire to knock out my to-do list and get errands run so I could enjoy my free time the next day. Now, I’m not saying that needing and enjoying free time is wrong. It is absolutely good and beautiful, but when it causes my kids and me to experience super high levels of stress that lead to me losing my temper and wanting to call it quits, something needs to be adjusted.
In Retrospect
I have good days and bad days when it comes to doing the wisest thing. On my good days, I’ve learned to take time to sit with Jesus and ask Him to help me do what my husband calls a “retrospective” to identify where things got off track so I can gain wisdom and self-awareness.
Here are some questions I ask myself.
Expectations
- What were my expectations?
- What did not go the way I hoped it would? What did?
- Did I leave margin for the unexpected? Was it enough?
- Did I communicate my expectations to my children (if age appropriate)?
- Were my expectations realistic or unrealistic based on my kids’ ages and eating and sleep schedule?
- Did anything happen to throw our schedule off that I didn’t make adjustments for because I didn’t want to change my plans?
Behavior Patterns
- What time of day was it?
- What happened right before things went downhill?
- Was I on my phone, ignoring my children, or pulled in multiple directions?
- Is there a pattern I can see when I compare today to other bad days?
- Were my children tired, hungry, not feeling great, bored, antsy, or craving attention?
- What about me? Was I hungry, tired, or not feeling great?
- Is there a behavior I need to change (e.g., calls, hurry, scheduling overload)?
- Is there something I could have done differently to set my kids and myself up for a better experience together? 36
With Jesus by Our Side
Healthy self-awareness is crucial to becoming a confident mom, but we need to recognize the risk of self-defeat and ask these questions with Jesus by our side.
I always ask the Lord to give me wisdom and clarity and to silence condemnation and confusion. Then I write down a condensed version of these questions in my journal with my answers. When we write things down, we are more likely to find out what is going on inside us by looking at our feelings and the facts.
It is also extremely helpful to see it all on paper instead of it being jumbled in our heads. Seeing it on paper is the only way I can look at what I’m doing and notice if there are things I need to change or factors I need to consider. Being able to compare hard days over a period of time helps me notice patterns in my behavior and in my kids’ behaviors.
Unrealistic expectations, mom-guilt, self-shaming, doubt, and comparisons all fuel my cruel inner critic and get the best of me. When that happens, my kids get the worst of me. But by God’s grace, I’ve discovered how to make the best of a bad situation by learning and growing from it.
Bad Days Don’t Make You a Bad Mom
You are going to have bad days, but they do not make you a bad mom. They can actually help make you a wise mom. When you start sinking in self-defeat, turn it into self-awareness by taking time to look at the facts and learn from them, without labeling yourself for them.
And on those days when your inner critic gets loud and mean, take that wisdom and self-awareness you are gaining to a whole new level by comparing what you are saying to yourself with what God’s Word says in response.
When You Say . . .
No matter how hard I try, it’s never enough.
God’s Word Says . . .
“The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.” Psalm 69:32 NLT
When You Say . . .
I’m such a bad mom.
God’s Word Says . . .
Your statutes are wonderful; therefore I obey them. The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple. Psalm 119:129–30
When You Say . . .
I can’t stop doubting my parenting decisions.
God’s Word Says . . .
For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught. Proverbs 3:26 NASB
This post is an excerpt from A Confident Mom by Renee Swope, copyright 2022, Baker Publishing Group.
