Yesterday my heart was longing to talk with Jesus about the many thoughts and emotions that were tumbling through my mind, creating a few knots in my heart. I felt like I needed to write it all out so I asked mom to watch Aster, and I went to a friends house. She works so it’s just me and her dog, Cody.
Today as I prepared to post on my blog the results of my biopsy, I felt the Lord nudging me to share some of what I wrote in my journal before I got the call:
Lord, what will I do if I have cancer? How will I respond? What changes will it bring? What treatment will we be facing?
You know my mind is also wondering if the results are negative, will I trust You with that? Will I believe that You answered my prayer when I begged You to reveal ANY cancer if there was some, asking that You not let the Dr. miss anything.
Father, my heart is in wobbly place – teetering between hope and fear.
Please infuse my soul with faith to believe and confidence to trust Your ways and Your timing. Jesus, I don’t want cancer. I don’t want to settle for believing that it’s my destiny just because it’s in my history. The past doesn’t define my future – You do.
You are the One Who knows the plans YOU have for me: plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope. Oh, Jesus. This is my hope – that You are good. That You are loving. That You are ABLE and willing to heal and restore. To redeem and remake.
Father, I stand at the altar like Abraham, offering my body to You. I know I must lay it down before You and be willing to become a vessel that You can use for Your glory. Through whatever circumstances You allow. Like so many other times before, it’s in my suffering that I see and share in Your glory. Resurrection power only comes after life surrendered.
And isn’t that what I was made for? To lay down my life for You, like You laid down Your life for me. Jesus, make me a willing vessel to surrender and rest in YOU no matter what. Whether it be a yes or no – I pray that You will keep my heart in perfect peace because my mind is steadfast as I trust in You.
No matter what this biopsy brings, may You find me faithfully available to lay it all down before you as a sacrificial offering of PRAISE!
Then, as soon as I typed that exclamation point, my cell phone rang. I knew by the number on my caller ID it was the hospital. My heart stopped beating. And then I answered.
“How are you?” The Dr. asked.
“I’m good.” I said. (I’d just been to the altar with GOD, and I really meant it!)
“Yes, you are. You are really good, Renee – all of your results were negative. Your biopsy is benign!”
Tears filled my eyes. Thankfulness. Praise. Excitement. Peace and joy filled my heart. And then God gave me the gift of an already planned evening surrounded by family and new friends.
This morning I woke up with such a sense of RELIEF!! The weight of my world had been lifted off my shoulders. I laid in bed thanking God for all the decisions we don’t have to make now. All the plans we don’t have to rearrange and all the sadness we don’t have to endure.
Then I thought about those I know, and don’t know, who have prayed for another test or diagnosis and didn’t get results they hoped and prayed for. Those who are living with pain and wrestling with surrender.
That’s when I sensed that God wanted me to share this part of my heart’s journey, too. Yes, I am so thankful for the test results, but even more so I am forever grateful that God moved my heart to a place of trust before I knew what the answer would be. You see, if I hadn’t surrendered, I might still be afraid that cancer was still hidden that they didn’t find.
But I couldn’t get to this place of surrender on my own. I had to talk with my Father and my Savior about how I was feeling. He knew where my heart had to go first before it could get to the place of confident trust. He bent down to listen and then He took my hand and led my heart to the altar.
I don’t know why God wanted me to invite you to stand with me here in the place of sweet surrender. But I know He did, and I am praying that somehow it’s helps you trust Him more with all of your own doubts, fears, disapponitments, pain, hopes and dreams.
Happy New Year friend! The best is yet to be ~ I’m counting on it!!!