I’m trying hard to be brave this week and smile at the possibility of what each day may bring, although the past several days have not brought what I wanted. I have to admit, having a baby and having a mom who needs me so much has made me wonder about God’s timing of all that is going on.
I’ve wanted to be strong, although I am weary. I’ve wanted to be available although I’m pulled in so many directions. I’ve wanted mom to see me confident in God’s plans and trusting in His promises, although I’ve had my own set of questions and doubts. I’ve wanted to be gracious so she doesn’t ever feel like a burden. And I’ve wanted to be calm so she doesn’t worry about us worrying about her.
I thought it would be so much easier being out of the hospital. Physically it is, because we’re all at home. But emotionally it’s been a hard week for mom. She thought she’d be so much better by now.
On Wednesday mom did too much and ended up with a racing heart beat of 115. Even after resting for an hour it was 108 and she felt really sick! I ended up taking her to the ER that night. All they could find was a urinary tract infection so they put her on a new antibiotic and sent us home, at 3am.
This morning we’re heading to the hospital at 7:30 to get her prepared for her surgery at 9:30 to remove her kidney stone and stint. There are risks but it has to come out. We’re praying she won’t develop any clots in her legs (or anywhere) during surgery and she won’t have any problems with bleeding since she’s on Coumadin, a blood thinner.
The thought of it all makes my head spin a little. I know you probably have hard things going on, too, and may be wondering why God would give you so much to process at the same time. I’m praying for each of you that stops by, and those who shared requests in my last post.
This week God has taught me the power of trusting His plans that don’t make sense. You see, each day I look into the eyes of a baby girl I didn’t want at one point, because I didn’t think I could handle it. The thought of starting over as a mom at 43 with two teen/tween boys who occupy so much of my heart and my days was a bit overwhelming. But my heart rushes with gratefulness that God convinced me to trust Him.
He has helped me smile at the future – whatever it holds – by giving me the smile of a little girl who almost didn’t have a future. The sweetest, funniest, most happy little girl in the world.
As hard as it is to be a mommy of an infant while also taking care of my 73-year-old mom, I’m so glad that, in His wisdom, God knew there would be blessing in the burden when He gave us the joy Aster brings to our lives each day!
Aster reminds us all of the strength God provides for those who are weak, the dignity He offers for those who are low, and the assurance of His goodness and mercy to follow us, because we choose to trust and follow HIM!