Last week I wanted to be omniscient. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that in such a strong way, but I was seriously envying God’s ability to be in all places at all times. And to be fully present in each of them.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of Hope going to see Aster in Ethiopia and wanting to be there with her!
Thursday morning my mind was filled with non-stop thoughts about where I was going and the many places where I wanted to be. I was headed to out of town to see a friend who’s going through a horrific marriage break-up. She lives 6 hours away and I’d be driving with my other friend Marlo, picking up Glynnis at the airport in Atlanta and then spending the weekend together. This would be a long, hard trip and I was feeling very inadequate. Would I be able to be to say or be what she needed? I prayed for God to use me as His healing salve on her broken heart.
Then I started thinking about Hope emailing me and how I wouldn’t be home. I wouldn’t be near a computer all day and it was her last day before heading to a remote area in Ethiopia without email. I might miss my chance to talk with her.
Yet, I knew I was going exactly where God wanted me to be, and where I wanted to be. God had planned our trip with Divine details and timing. With all of my heart, I wanted to go yet I wanted to stay and be where I was.
I couldn’t, but I knew God could.
I kept reminding myself of His omniscience. Yet, my heart was tangled with emotions and desires. I kept thinking about all the places I wanted to be and people I wanted to be with. So many needs I wanted to meet. So many “sides” I wanted to sit by.
JJ’s parents were coming to see us and I wouldn’t be here. They only come twice a year and I love spending time with them and visiting. I wanted to stay but I needed to go.
My friend Kim called to say they’d found out her liver tumors had grown and new ones had appeared in new places. I wanted to drop everything and drive to her house to see her.
My kids were asking where I was going and why I was leaving. Hadn’t I promised I wouldn’t be traveling until She Speaks? They had things they wanted to do and places they wanted to go.
I found out the staff’s workload at the office had tripled with She Speaks nearing, and three of our staff were going on vacation. I wanted to fill in and help.
The list goes on and on. I wanted to be where I was headed, yet stay where I was. And every time I told God about my struggles, He’d whisper to my heart, “Just be where you are. Be fully where you are and look to see why I have you right there, right then.”
Well, if you’ve read Tuesday’s post, you know He exceeded my hopes of talking with Hope! That little chat was so much more wonderful than if I’d been at home. I did get to help Kim some this week. The boys survived and a had a great weekend with their grandparents, even though I’m still sad I didn’t get to see them.
Our trip to Alabama was truly incredible. I saw God. He came there to meet with me in ways I hadn’t anticipated. He showed up in amazing ways for my friend, and those of us with her. In the midst of tears and tearing away of what was and what will never be again, we cried, listened, laughed, watched chick flicks, floated on rafts in a lake, ate southern food, read God’s Word, prayed and drank sweet tea.
I was so glad to be where I was supposed to be. I couldn’t do all I wanted to do. I couldn’t be in all the places I wanted to be. But God could and I was right where He was and where He wanted me.
I watched my dear friend be where she was, although her soul longs to be somewhere so different than this dark pit of despair. She wants to be where she used to be more than words can describe.
I saw her letting go of what she’s lost while holding on to what she has left – Her faith, Her God, her children, her parents and her friends. Her past, even some of her present and much of what she thought was her future is gone. She can’t be there any more but God is there – in what was, in what is and in what is to come.
Knowing this in a whole new way just makes me love Him that much more for all that He is and all the places in which He dwells. It’s not easy accepting that I can’t be everywhere I want to be. But knowing I am where God wants me assures me that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.