Our family is in New York this week on vacation. We flew into NYC last Thursday night and rented a car Friday to drive to Lake Placid for the marathon JJ ran yesterday. We have never been to this area and it’s beautiful!!!
Today we’re relaxing and enjoying time together in the mountains while JJ’s legs recuperate. We had breakfast at little cafe down the road called Chair 6. We plan to go walking on a nature trail around Lake Placid this afternoon, and then rent some kayaks to row around Mirror Lake. I LOVE being with my three guys. We have laughed so much!!
Today is also the day we should hear back from the Dr. in Ethiopia about come information we wanted as we prayerfully decide about the adoption referral we got last week. I have to be honest, I am nervous (and sometimes downright overwhelmed) by the thought of being a mommy of an infant again. I want to be Godly and selfless but I’m not always in that place. This is such a huge change from a 4-6 yr old. But GOD!!!
I know this could be the very plan God has to bring our family that much closer together. This baby girl could be the very one we’ve been praying and waiting for. But I’d be lying if I wasn’t real with you about my fears.
Please pray for me. I need it. This is so different than the direction of adopting an older child we thought God was leading us for so long. One day I’m good. The next day I’m not so good when I insert a baby into the scenery of what we’re doing at that moment. I’ll see a baby crying and an exhausted mommy looking at her husband like she wants to run away and it just scares me.
The next minute I think of so many good things about a baby, and how much easier it may be for her to adjust emotionally and mentally. I remember the coos and the smiles and the joy a baby brings. I think about how our boys have never had a baby in their lives and how precious it could be.
Five minutes later I think about me being at home with a baby all day. I was kinda lonely when my boys were babies and my life revolved around nap times. I wonder what life will look like when I’ve had little sleep. And what about my job at P31? And the speaking ministry God called me to?
We have not sensed God telling us to cut back each time we prayed about upcoming events in 2009 and 2010. JJ’s says he wants to keep doing what we’re doing. Then I also remember how God has confirm again and again that it was time for me to write a book. I just completed the proposal. I wouldn’t have done that if I knew a baby was coming.
So what do you do when you can’t understand God’s plans or you’re not sure if they are His?
I cry. I talk to my husband. I call a friend. I journal my heart and my thoughts. I read my Bible and tell God I need help and hope. Yesterday a verse jumped out at me that reminds me of God being my help and my refuge.
I also remember the ways God came through last week when life turned upside down with the news of a baby girl possibly coming into our lives. I”ll share more about that tomorrow. Today, I just need to know that I know that I know if this is the daughter God has planned all along for our family. Because if it is, then every thing is going to be okay.
How will I know… if my hesitancy God’s way of leading us to say no…or it’s selfish yet normal fear…or if it’s the enemy trying to get me to miss God’s best? I’ll let you know when I find out.
In the meantime, I sure would treasure your thoughts on how you know, and your prayers as I muddle and pray through my own finding out.