I know, I disappeared again. I’ve been living in the land of the blahs and I didn’t want to lure you guys there. It’s hard to write when you have nothing encouraging to say!
I’ve felt a heaviness over me ever since we moved into our new house. I didn’t recognize what was going on until this week but I’ve been oppressed spiritually, physically and emotionally. We have been in survival mode and it’s not a good place. God moved us here for a bigger reason than we even know and there’s someone jumping on every opportunity to get us down. I am trying my best to pray through it, believe through it, fight through it and move through it; but let me tell ya, what I want to do is sleep through it!!!
There have been non-stop demands, unexpected needs and mini-crises every day that are exhausting me. I got sick last week with asthma which really wore me down until I got meds this week. Yesterday, Andrew got poison ivy all over his face and near his eyes which meant another trip to Urgent Care. The Dr. prescribed the wrong form of meds (he can’t do liquids b/c he gags) so I had to make two trips to the store after a long day of driving everywhere. I’ve been running back and forth to school and the drug store to get him, to get meds, to get year-end supplies for classroom parties, teacher gifts, etc.
JJ and I have both been battling doubts (mainly tied to his work/my speaking). We haven’t been taking time to talk about it and didn’t even know until this week that we’re both going through the same hard stuff spiritually and emotionally. We’d spent so much time together the past two months praying, planning and working together to get moved that we got used to just talking as we went. Now we’re in our new home and working separately to get different parts of the house set-up and guess what, you cannot communicate in different parts of the house.
Plus he’s had to work A LOT of late night, has been discouraged about some things and has been sick with a cold, too. Last week he slept upstairs two nights b/c we was coughing so badly. This week we realized that a wall was being erected between constructed by bricks of frustration, disconnection, unmet expectations, opposing opinions on kid stuff, etc. A perfect set-up for the blahs and impending doom. Finally, last night after a heated discussion we prayed and confessed to God that we are too small to handle all that is going on. Honestly, we’re slap worn out!
On top of all that, I found out that someone I love has been sentenced to 10 years in prison and it is breaking my heart. I’ve been a prisoner to depression and darkness in my past which only makes it harder to imagine a sentence of 10 years behind bars. I know God is God and in control, but my heart is still very heavy and sad.
Then I feel guilty as I think about how completely and indescribably blessed we are by all that God has done in our lives and provided for us – why can’t my thankfulness bring me out of the pit? Then I remember David and Solomon and I stop beating myself up, knowing that material blessings can’t rescue me from defeat and discouragement. So I wonder how I can do what God has called me to do in the coming weeks in the state I am in…
Then Jesus comes, and He rescues me. He draws me to Himself, He turns my eyes away from my circumstances and emotions, and reminds me of His promises that have been my light when the shadows of doubt threatened my hope in the past. And He whispers, “You are…” (read below to see what He whispered to my heart and what He whispers to you now…)